I guess I didn't handle

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Aug 3, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    it too well. I called my Mom tonight. She had emailed and asked about difficult child and about this cookout she and her friends had invited me to. I told her that I didn't think I would be very comfortable because we didn't have a lot of extra time to fit in and mainly because we'd never met them. I told her that I felt it would be like going from 0 to 100 in one day. She said a few times that they are just good people and they offered and meant well. I said I understood and I had no problem meeting them. She just kept on, so finally I said "look, any time in the past when I am with you and someone else you know, trouble ensues- and I don't want it anymore- I cringe at the thought of it and I'm not willing to put myself in that position anymore". She got pretty quiet then said that she would handle it, that she'd just tell them we'd try to do it some other time. So, I said then that is just prolonging going from 0 to 100 some other time. I suggested that she tell them that I thought it would be too much for everyone to plan a dinner, given that we'd be tired and they have to work that day, and invite them over for a while to meet. Then, maybe next time we'd do something more.

    She was just quiet and said she'd handle it. Then, she asked if anything had come up or happened lately. That leaves the doubt in my mind that she is communicating with bro, still. You'd have to know her - but she's never gotten quiet like that before unless she knows she's getting caught up into something she's stirred in. I hope that isn't the case this time, but I wouldn't be shocked.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry.
    Family...........perhaps we would be better off without them.:mad:
    Of course, I am jaded tonight.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry for your family situation, Steely. It seems to me that there is only so much trust that can be broken so many times and then we just can't forgive and forget and bounce back as quickly as they take for granted that we will. Sometimes, the relationship is left permanently damaged, and the more that gets ignored or our feelings are not even acknowledged, the more damage there is.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry these things are happening to you, ladies. Sending many hugs.
  5. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Actually, klmno, it sounds to me like you handled it very well. You weren't intimidated into something you didn't feel comfortable doing. Saying "no" can be one of the hardest things to do. And you did it.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I totally agree with Sara. You did a wonderful job!!!:bravo: You were direct and honest without accusing her of doing anything. Simply stating how you felt in relation to what had taken place in the past. Way To Go!!

    I'm hoping those pauses were Mom thinking about how much she hurt you before, and not that she's up to something.

    I am so glad my family is several states away from me. A nice safe distance.

  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    hugs. family can be such a blessing at times and such a curse at others. hope you can enjoy your visit.

  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    K! You did a wonderful job! The "quiet patches" were the "laying of the guilt". If I act hurt, she'll still do a barbecue!

    If she's caught talking with bro, and that's the silence, good for you for catching her.

    If she's caught trying to stir things up by bringing the friends into the picture, good for you for catching her.

    If she's re-thinking stuff she's done in the past, good for you for making her.

    If she's planning the next step, good for you for being aware.

    Wow, quite a few "good for you's!"

    Well done!


    PS Can anyone tell I've had enough of Family Bullies lately?

  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I think you did an awesome job! You were direct but not accusatory. Do not feel guilty about how you handled it! You stood up for yourself and said no about something you did not feel comfortable with! Good job!
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm with the others. You handled it well.

    Maybe you feel you didn't handle it well, because in the past you've followed the *****-foot around method and as a result, never actually come out and forcefully said what had to be said, for fear of her working on you to make you feel guilty.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Soooooooooo.......i should tear up the banners I made?

    BUTT OUT OF MY LIFE.......

    all can be found on freecycle now for some other person that didn't handle her family like you did!!!!

    BRAVo! (not on a banner) lol
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, everyone! I didn't think I did so well- I have a feeling I'm either going to be hit with a guilt trip or a "fine, then just don't come at all" or "well, I feel like you bring me trouble" attitude real soon. Oh, well. Really, it just doesn't sound normal to me to plan a dinner to discuss things about what to do if something happens to someone the same day you introduce these people to each other. GEEZ!!

    I think she's given them my phone number and told them to call me in the event that they can't reach her for a while or she had a bad car wreck or was hospitalized or something. I have no problem with that, and I don't mind meeting them.
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    ...or if she was eaten by a bear in the dead of summer, or a swarm of bees attacked her at the mini-mart, or six muscle-bound robbers took her hostage on a plane to Mexico, or aliens abducted her to become the mother to their race...

    Wow! She's good! She probably thought of all those great ways to lay guilt on you while she was walking to school every day, in blizzards with no shoes, seven-miles, up-hill BOTH WAYS!!!

    I'm sorry for being a "smart-a" (as my difficult child 1 says), but I still think you did a great job. Don't let ANYONE lay guilt on you...it's yours to take or not. You need to get good at "not"!

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I didn't know that you knew my mother!!
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that you handled it well!