I have a school conference for....

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
kt on Thursday. We're combining her IEP in that meeting as well.

This year I'm just not pushing much academically. The reality is that kt needs to be a great deal more stable before learning can take place.

I've taken pretty much the same tack with wm - same issues, different kid & school/day treatment program.

In the long run, I'm pushing for stability. When/if that is achieved I'm going for the "book" learning.

Has anyone else been to the point where academics has taken, not only a back seat, but literally been kicked off the bus?



Active Member
Yes, with my brother in law who came to live with us when he was 15. Actually, mother in law kicked him out of the house and told father in law she would beat them both if he brought him back. brother in law therapist told us to just worry about the family issues. He was cutting class, refusing to work, sleeping through class, ect... We didn't do a thing about it. It didn't last though because he didn't like our family rules. A poor family with little kids is very different than a rich family where he is the only kid there.

Also, with some of the students I taught academics went out the window. Even with the kids I did work on academics with first I had to establish a safe environment where they could make mistakes without being laughed at before I could get some of them to work.


New Member
I teach and I have been in a conference with difficult child's high school and I have said, I just want him to be socially accepted and do not care if he learns one thing from the books. I'll teach him at home and you (the school) just help with the social aspect. I just want him to pass... I don't care if he squeaks by. My days are happier and his days are happier. I have to do lots of teaching at home but it is worth the time spent. I would homeschool but he needs to be with others.


I've been there with both easy child, when he was depressed, and with difficult child. Before the IEP was implemented early this year (while I was fighting with the school...whole other story), the guidance counselor called and was concerned cause difficult child was failing some classes. She didn't like it when I told her that it didn't surprise me and that I wasn't concerned about it. I was, and continue to be, more concerned with getting her to school and keeping her anxiety and panic under control. She is still learning. It just isn't reflected in the school environment and on on tests. Anxious kids plus tests doesn't equal good test grades. Further, until they "get it" and fully address difficult child's issues, they will continue to have a lot responsibility in how successful difficult child is in school.

In all honesty, the schools really don't worry about it either. They very rarely fail kids. My easy child "failed" 7th and 8th grade, but they kept moving him on even though at that point I was asking them not to because he was failing simply because he didn't want to do the work. He had failed English every year since 6th grade. So when he got to 9th grade English he really struggled. Fortunately, he had a teacher that really took an interest in him and made sure he did the work (she would pull his desk over by hers and make him do any missing assignments). This same teacher told me how frustrated she was that they continued to pass these kids - she had several - because she didn't have time to teach them what they should have learned in the years prior as well as teach them what was required of her.

This has been one of my more or less soap box issues for quite a while now. Suffice it to say, I have a hard time getting worked up over the school getting worked up. ~shrug~


Well-Known Member
Well, my difficult child insists that she is capable of fixing her academic issues on her own. So, Dex and I have decided to let her. It is not working. But, we are giving it to the end of the school year and while she is in summer school we will talk about our approach to 11th grade. It is truly unfortunate, but what else can you do. I think being stable is far more important.


New Member
Yep.....sigh...Im right here as well......
But dont know what else to do until he gets his behavior under control and the school gets it....sigh....


New Member
I've been to this point and I feel myself going there again. My difficult child's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was rampant in elementary school. His mood was unstable for a long time. He was hospitalized and then in a day program. I had gotten some of the assignments that he missed but I told the school flat out that there was no way he would have them all done when he returned. Yep, academics have to take a back seat to emmotional stability.


New Member
We did this when difficult child was in a pretty bad depression and more than one time. The therapist wrote a letter saying that he should not be expected to do a full schedule. We purposely cut back his classes during the day.

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
We were at the point with difficult child for a couple of years. Now we want them to push the academics as well. He is still not completely stable but is the most stable he has been. On top of that he has sever dyslexia along with the executive function issues and is in 4th grade and still only reading at a kindergarten level.

I can totally understand where you are right now.

house of cards

New Member
I think your success will have alot to do with your particular teacher. We have tried explaining that our difficult child wasn't stable enough to be pushed and we only wanted her to accept C work from a kid capable of A work. She couldn't stop pushing him. The results were many shut downs, a child who learned he can successfully tell his teacher he won't work, and two F's. I am homeschooling for the rest of the year trying to get some love of learning back into my son.


Active Member
I'm going through this too. Of course I want difficult child to do well academically. Now to reality, difficult child hates school. Loathes it. Always has. Is socially inept. For the first time since being a toddler, his behaviours are "pretty much" in check. A few incidents but nothing to freak out over, pretty much getting frustrated and responding inappropriatly but nothing that other students without a history of being a difficult child might also have trouble with. This is SUCCESS at this point for my difficult child. I never imagined the peace and calm in difficult child, I had very nearly sadly given up on difficult child changing. Pushing him academically is a issue. It will trigger past negative responses. I am at a point where I am so proud of difficult child's changes and maturity with his behaviours, his control over himself even when he finds it difficult. I am not ready to rock the boat. I am of the mind that as long as he is passing, for at least another year of positive behaviours and reactions, I am not rocking his boat. Period. The school doesn't support this. They figure he seems behaviourally close to other students in his class, therefore it is a "downright shame and neglectful parenting" to not push him hard academically "because he's wasting his brilliant mind". Well that's their opinion. This school hadn't ever seen difficult child at his worst. He was expelled in June, they got him at this school in Sept. by the school board FORCING them to take him against their will. Luckily he made changes, and they never dealt with the "old difficult child". Well good! Celebrate his accomplishments! Every incident this school year has been due to them pushing him and telling him basically he is wasting his life and intelligence, his low (passing, 60's) grades are unacceptable and they push push push for what they say he SHOULD be getting grade wise (they want high 90's from him!!!). I have tuned them out and told difficult child to do the same. I told him I am happy he has pulled up to 60's and is also maintaining his behaviours. For now. I told him expectations go up a bit next year since he is obviously capable. We made it "our deal" and it is working for us. I tried till blue in the face to help school understand. They refuse to. I no longer listen to their criticisms. They didn't have to raise difficult child at his worst. They didnt' have to watch their son move out and go through he#@ for a year and a half with other family before he reached his own limit and made changes on his own and came home. They haven't been there. They dont' know me, and haven't bothered to understand difficult child and where he's coming from.
I say do what you know is working for you and your difficult child. If the school is receptive, all the better. If not, well still do what is best for you and your difficult child.
Good luck!