I have neither the time nor the energy to be this man's therapist

[gcvmom]

husband is on a downward spiral today. The glass is half empty and he's pouring it out on the ground as he complains that he doesn't have anything!

Saturday and Sunday he was bouncing off the walls with energy. Today he's doing the litany of all the things that are wrong with his life. I just cannot engage him when he gets like this because, like the drowning person, he will just try to pull me under with him in his quagmire. Ugh.

I try offering some advice, like just taking things one day at a time. Or (wow, advanced concept here) a medication tweak. But it falls on deaf ears and all he seems interested in is complaining and seeking out more reasons to be miserable. It's almost a self-fulfilling exercise.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is another day. The boys see the psychiatrist on Friday and I'm going in with my own list of husband-related questions.

 

[Liahona]

I hope he does have his own therapist and psychiatrist. He has got a lot going on there. And of course if he starts the downward spiral others might follow.

 

[InsaneCdn]

OK, I know you can't make him do this. But... really, he needs to get that undiagnosed mood disorder, figured out.

This does NOT sound like depression. Not that I'm "the" expert, but do know some from experience, and from the research that goes with experience.
Bouncing off walls doesn't go with depression. Neither does the swing from bouncing, to falling off the cliff. These go with other stuff. No direct experience with "other stuff", but it could maybe be bi-polar, other mood-swing disorders (I don't remember the other diagnosis or two that has been floating around here lately). The things that help depression, don't work as well - or at all, or work against - the cyclical kinds of disorders...

 

[gcvmom]

I'm pretty sure it's bipolar, but he doesn't want to consider it (because that would mean that it's NOT the empty glass' fault or MY fault for his mental state, and he'd have to acknowledge yet one more flaw in himself which would lead to even more self-flagellation) and when he DOES go to his psychiatrist appointments he manages to avoid the topic. I base my opinion on his symptoms over the past 23 years that I've been with him, plus his positive mood response to the anti-seizure medications he's been on nearly four years now. I think he needs something more, though.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) The other "therapist" thing you can say to him is "Well, how can you fix/change/address that issue to get a better outcome? And leave it at that.

 

[AnnieO]

Just

I understand. Only too well.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear. I hear you.
I don't suppose someone could explain to husband that bipolar isn't "his" flaw, and that it's probably genetic and if he got on the right medications, he'd be happier?
Don't know where I learned "It's not my job to make you happy. That's your job,"
but I would use it for him. "I am sorry you feel this way but until you get help, nothing is going to change."
Okay, people hear that over and over again.
Arrrgh! He must be miserable. And so are you.
Many hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

Gcvmom, just noticed the chocolate fundraiser note again... I know that you mentioned your daughter to the people who came by your booth ... but I assume you are doing this awareness thing to help yourself and your husband, too. Weird, how we can be objective, and compartmentalize like that. I wish it could all change instantly. This reminds me of the work that my little sister is doing for Alzheimer's. She does walks, she's making a caregiving film ... and then she goes to Dad's apt and changes the sheets after he's had stomach issues because the nurses aren't fast enough ...

 

[DammitJanet]

Jean, I so get it. I really wonder if bipolar isnt contagious. I know I have had it for my whole life but then suddenly in the last year or two, I swear that Tony has started to exhibit mood disorder symptoms. Of course getting him to admit it is futile, he is perfectly normal and has no issues. I am the one who is crazy and cannot be dealt with at all. Ha.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs going out.

 

[gcvmom]

"It's not my job to make you happy. That's your job,"

This is EXACTLY what I started telling him about 10 years ago (before he started medications, and before his surgery) because he was placing ALL his expectations for happiness on ME. Everything I did or didn't do for him was directly tied to his happiness (in his mind) and I finally decided enough and cut that cord when I told him I was NOT responsible for his happiness -- HE was. Of course, he took that to be a rejection and he STILL doesn't really, truly get it. Doesn't see that his way of doing things makes for a very sticky co-dependent mess that leaves me feeling miserable and him feeling (as usual) dissatisfied. I think in his head he still tells himself "I would be truly happy if only she would _____________." Doesn't really matter what you fill in that blank because it's placing the responsibility and outcome external to himself, which is doomed to failure and disappointment.

Well, it's Tuesday and I'm just going to focus on Tuesday, and this particular moment of Tuesday, because I cannot do a thing about later on until it gets here.

 

[buddy]

thinking of you...

 

[Lothlorien]

For whatever reason, bipolar and seizure disorders seem to run hand in hand. The Trileptal should have helped him with that. Has he been on Lamictal? Lamictal seems to work on the mood disorder at the lower dose and the seizure at higher doses, opposite of Trileptal. We switched Missy and she's much less sleepy. I remember that the increase Trileptal was making your husband really tired.

I wonder if Abilify or something similar to his medications might work. Just a thought.

 

[Steely]

HUGS.....ugh.

 

[TerryJ2]

Sigh. Many hugs.

 

[gcvmom]

Yesterday the boys and I saw the psychiatrist and at the end of our session, the kids went out so I could talk privately about husband. I explained how he's been behaving lately. My own personal belief that he's bipolar, etc. psychiatrist actually concurred and said that in the past when he's suggested that husband needed to get off the Paxil and on something different, husband has been very resistant, and worried that it would result in him going back to having a really bad temper and having these mood meltdowns like he used to have.

I did not accept that as an answer from psychiatrist (and now I'm wondering if he's intimidated by husband). I asked him if he'd try a different approach when husband comes back in January. I asked if he'd try pointing out that IF the Paxil were truly working for husband, then he would not be feeling the way he is lately (depressed). Geez, you'd have thought I turned on a light switch. The psychiatrist agreed that he'd try a more logical approach with husband. DUH!!! I swear, some days it feels like I'm surrounded by idiots.

Whatever. Hopefully we can make it through the holidays without major drama ensuing and husband can muddle through until his January appointment...

On another note, we're scrapping the Intuniv for difficult child 2 and trying amantadine to see if that helps his ADHD problems without so much sedation. Apparently it was originally developed for the flu, failed miserably, but was discovered to be a 100% dopamine agonist with a very good side effect profile. And it's been around for. eh. ver. So fingers crossed this helps, cuz this kid can barely stay awake in class until about 10am every day.