I just need to vent


New Member
difficult child had in-school suspension yesterday and today. difficult child did not complete any work. I just got home from work got a letter that he is in danger of failing, (yet they told me he will be going on)and this started a screaming match between me and difficult child. MY patience is so thinned. Why doesn't he do his work. He has assignments that need to be done. He is now refusing to do it and doesn't care. Why is this such a struggle all the time? I'm so tired of caring, I'm tired of this fight and I want to strangle him. I tried to reason with him, I tried to talk, I have threatened.................it gets me nowhere. I don't think I am the best thing for him anymore. On a brighter note easy child gave him a pencil to do his work, (he again said he didn't have a pencil) and is trying to take up for his brother.


I have a 14-year-old difficult child with a mood disorder, too. Like your difficult child, he doesn't do his schoolwork or homework. He's just not motivated, largely due to depression. We're working on the medications, and they're not right yet (we hope to make some adjustments once school is out for the summer). I wasn't a very good match for him either. Sometimes husband works with him. Sometimes a male tutor works with him. We've made a whole lot more progress this way. Our psychiatrist says it's hard for male difficult children of this age to accept help from their moms. Just a thought . . .


Active Member
STRONG recommendation - don't buy into school problems. Leave school issues at school. If the school keeps telling you, say, "Thank you for keeping me informed. What do you intend to do about it?" Make it clear that education is between the school and difficult child. You are the parent, not the teacher.
Because, as you have just discovered, when you get conned into taking on board the school's headaches, you are getting nowhere; in fact, you end up in a fruitless, exhausting screaming match. difficult child expects it; he hunches his shoulders ahead of it; you both get nowhere. Resentment build up on both sides.

Look at what easy child is doing. He's sending difficult child a clear message - "I love you. I care about you. I want you to do well. I will help you, to the best of my ability. But this has to be you, nobody else can force you to do this." He gave difficult child a pencil, so he could do his work. He was trying to make it easier to get started. Nothing said. No recriminations. Just, "Here's a tool. Now you can use it, if you choose."

There can be many reasons why a kid won't work at school. A kid in suspension can be feeling resentful for all sorts of reasons. If it's a kid who has trouble anyway, getting started with work, they are going to be less motivated than usual. If the school is letting him advance anyway, then what's the point of even trying? He may feel so out of his depth with some of the subjects, that he just doesn't know where to start. But he needs to feel he can approach you and ask for help, rather than see you always taking the school's side.
Basically, he gets this at school, home needs to be a refuge so he can regain his energy and feel more confident next day.

If the worst comes to the worst and he fails, and keeps failing, what adult education options are open to him in a few years time? We have a system here where people can go, who have not succeeded in getting the proper qualifications in school. They can do the courses as adults and often do much better because they're treated better and are motivated.

I do understand the frustration, though.



New Member
I also can relate. My difficult child is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) now so I dont really have to deal with the school stuff anymore. (thank God) But I remember it all too well!!!! When my daughter was in regular school and the teachers would call - I often just wanted to say to them "And what the heck do you expect me to do?". Never did say that though, only parents like us understand how difficult it is just to get our kids to do basic things like, brush their teeth or take a shower. I'm sorry but algebra just isn't really a priority when your child is raging and carrying on. Although I did want to keep my daughter in a regular school, wanted her to have some normalcy in her life, I have to say when she was transitioned into The Boce Program it got so much easier. The teachers knew how to handle the kids and knew how hard it was for me. They're trained to deal with difficult children, I found the mainstream teachers just didn't get it.

Hang in there!!!! :smile: