I just want to say...how proud I am of everyone here

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by GuideMe, Dec 24, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Something not so good happened yesterday.

    I had to deal with a mother who is very much in denial, enables and blames everyone else for her difficult child problems. Never holds difficult child accountable deep down inside. She also has several other difficult child that are on drugs and feed drugs to the difficult child I just mentioned. Things came to a ugly head yesterday when she drug me and my daughter (and countless other people) into something that none of us had absolutely zero to do with. I have known this mother for the past five years and her difficult child. Her difficult child and my daughter were close. This is the same difficult child that I wrote about in a previous post who I took into my home two months ago off of the street (dirty, hungry and sad) that vandalized my property by damaging my window, taking my car and stealing a few items all under a 48 hour period, something my daughter would NEVER do to anyone else. This is the same difficult child that my daughter has not talked to since the event occurred which I also have proof of. I have numerous text messages from that girl begging and pleading for my daughter to speak with her again and my daughter flat out refused. My daughter wrote her off and this girl isn't even a blimp on our radar.

    So what this mother and her daughter have been doing is nothing short of atrocious. My anger got the best of me and I finally stood up to her, the argument got heated ,no threats or anything like that, but heated none the less. The whole situation traumatized me so badly, that guess what guys? I finally left town. I am currently in a hotel in another state and you all have no idea what I have been through the last 12 hours and still going through. With all the pressure of things I previously discussed and now this, I couldn't handle it anymore, there was no choice but for me to leave and try to decompress somewhat.

    My point is for right now, that I have to keep reminding myself that everybody is not like the parents on this board. We, on this board, are well aware of what our difficult child's do and we don't blame their friends and everyone else for their actions. I have to keep reminding myself, many parents are not like that and I am glad I confronted her because I got to see how she really thought and her thought process is not only skewed, arrogant, and delusional, it is down right dangerous. A part of me wishes I never called her because now I am sort of afraid of this woman. If I would never have called, then I wouldn't know what she was thinking. Now that I know what she is thinking, I don't know who to alert. I called the police last night and the cop was a total jerk to me which sent me into a tail spin. I finally convinced him to write a report after showing him proof , text messages and facebook messages, even then he was still a jerk. He refused to see it the evidence until I basically forced it upon him and then finally he pulled out his pen and paper. I had a complete nervous breakdown 12 hours ago.

    I won't go into anymore right now. All I can say is, the minute I cross that boarder, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I have to go back home eventually, at least I know that feeling of relief still can happen. I wasn't sure if I was beyond repair, so if there is any miracle that happened in all of this, it is I got to know that I can feel tons better again and that the place I am living in is not a good place at all.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am very concerned for your well being. Please consider getting help for yourself. From reading your recent posts it appears that you might very well be experiencing a manic episode. Please be very cautious about acting on any impulses that could lead to a catastrophic outcome.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Pasajes has given good advice, Guide Me. Think twice, take time, be very good to yourself, choose the healthy response. You have confronted many sadnesses and wrongnesses in the past weeks. You cannot fix it and yet, you can no longer accept it.

    As Seeking posts to us, stay close to the Board during this time.

    We are all right here.


  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank You pasajes. I won't act out on any impulses, that's one of the main reasons I left. I had to get out of there. All this stress and pressure, especially for the last five years has reeked havoc on my mental health. You'd be very surprise how well I kept it together under the duress I have been under. I don't think anyone could have gotten through what I have been through in the last five years, not to mention the last five years before then. I am very surprised I haven't completely lost it a long time ago. I truly understand your worry, I do and no doubt, a manic episode I am experiencing , except it's coming from the outside. Since I have left, I felt so much better, away from that nightmare, however, the feeling is dampened with knowing I have to go back, and one of the main reasons is because of my dog who is staying with my neighbor. My dog is putting me in quite a bad predicament, I can't help but to feel quite resentful at times that my dog is holding my entire life back right at this current time, especially when I desperately, desperately, desperately need to get out of here. If it wasn't for my dog, I would have had the courage to completely leave and never come back for the first time ever. It was the first time ever that I have left town. The very first time ever. but I love her very much and could never give her away. Giving her away is just not an option period.

    Tonight is my last night at the hotel and I hit the road in the morning after check out. I will be going back to my original home town, where I was born and raised, and staying with a friend who thank god i have right now. I will most likely be staying there for two weeks and praying to God , that even though I don't have the funds, that God lets me find a place up there so I don't have to come back. I could move in with my friend, but she don't like dogs, hence my predicament. Hopefully God throws me a bone and works something out for me and my dog.

    I'll be ok Pasajes, I promise I won't act out on any impulses. And I'm already ten steps ahead of you, I have scheduled an appointment with my old therapist while I am visiting, thanks to all of you guys for pushing me.
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2014
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you Cedar, and I know by my recent posts, you could very well think I sought this one out, but I promise you that I didn't. This one landed on my doorstep banging on my door. It was an issue that demanded my attention, hence why I say I was drug into this one. I wasn't even aware of any of it until 5:30 pm last night. This was a surprise for sure and something I did not need or even want to deal with in the least. However,it's kind of ironic that it helped me get out of going to Christmas family day. I can't help but to notice that. After this most recent incident happen, I was like THAT'S IT, I'm OUT! I need to get away and I don't care!!!!!!!!! I'm DONE! And yeah, that's how it went more or less.
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    As I stated numerous times in other posts, you can re-read them to refresh your memory, I've been wanting to leave for a LOOONNNGGG time. I've stated that over, and over and over again. This whole incident that happened last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Being sucked into dramas and nightmares, that I have absolutely nothing to do with at that, is just a little too much for me anymore.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Isn't your hometown and the people there part of your abusive past? If it is, that might make things worse PTSD wise.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Good point, good point. Yes, I know that better than anyone else. However, the place I am living at now with the people I'm living it with, makes my hometown look like an island vacation and its people look like saints. It's kind of picking the lesser of two evils. I'm staying with a friend while i'm up there, not any of my family members. However, you're right I have to keep that in mind. I just don't know what else to do. I don't know anyone anywhere else and what do I do, move to a state I don't know? No one I know and all by myself? I don't know what to do. But I'm glad you reminded me of that because I am sure I am being blind right now because of everything. However, there are two major things that I love about my old city that i can't get anywhere else, so that gives me more incentive to want to be there, or rather get out of here. I need to think hard about this.
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    what do you think I should do pasajess? Any suggestions? Should I stay where I live or go back to my hometown....I don't know what else to do.
  10. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh and I forgot to say, every person in my family except difficult child, even two of my friends said I was completely selfish for leaving for Christmas. They put me down and made me feel like worthless. However, it was so amazing, when I crossed that border, a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders, I didn't give a damn what they thought! Any care that I had, went right out the window and left behind. Haven't had that feeling in EONS. That state border signified freedom for me. However, I could only relish in the moment very momentarily, because......... I know....... I have to go back....but at least I know it can happen. At least I know I am not damaged beyond all repair to wear I would never feel peace again. You can't buy that feeling.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Until you get some real help, it will not matter where you live. You can not run away from yourself or the way you currently respond to other people. Believe it or not this is not about what other people have done or are doing to you. It is about your ability to handle your triggers and put your past truly behind you. There will always be button pushers. Right now the only place you could live without having to deal with other peoples behaviors would be on a desert island.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    It's half of what you just said and half of getting away from toxic people who truly cause me a lot of damage. Unfortunately I don't have all the funds in the world to get that best or consistent help and I don't have the funds to move wherever I like. I have to deal with reality here. And right now, I need to feel safe and away from the most toxic of people. You said you read my post passjess, than you would see what I have been dealing with down here, it's a very volitale situation. After thinking about it, back in my hometown, there were a lot of people who hurt me pretty bad, but nothing like it is down here. Trust me on that one. Up there, I can avoid the people who I don't want to be around much, much, MUCH easier than I can down here. I have more control. When I lived in my hometown, my daughter was a kid, now that she is grown, I will have more freedom than ever. All in all, while it's not the best of places for my PTSD, it's the best option I have available. So if an opportunity comes up while I'm up there, because my friend wants me to move up there so she will help me if she can and I will take it. If nothing comes up, I'm stuck back in the fifth circle of hell for a little while longer until I can figure something else out.

    P.S. also, if the stress of leaving alleviates some of the problems caused by my mental illness, I could start working again and there are amazing job opportunities up there in my hometown, where as down here are very bad. It's a very poor town. I made a lot of connections back in the day when I had my career and have great references as well. If I get a good job, that means I will get good health insurance which means I can get the help I need. So all in all, it's the best move for me.
  13. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thanks for initiating the thought process in that jess, I'm glad I got to resolve it now before I had a rude surprise.
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have a question just out of curiosity what does the title of your thread have to do with the contents of your post? Your thinking is very disjointed hence the concern I have for the decisions you are making right now.
  15. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    In my opinion getting away for a little bit might be enough to help you reset and get back to your center of gravity for a change. Once you are there you might be a little better at relieving your stress and disengaging from the issues. Honestly who cares what anyone else thinks you need some relief.

    On the other hand I agree with the others who are saying you should take some time to make some decisions. Slow down a little bit and look at things through different angles if you can. Use the therapist to help you do that. I'm not sure where you are at in your head and I remember the days after the trauma of my difficult child. I felt like I was spinning out of control. Thankfully I had easy child to take care of, a house to run, and a full time job to try and keep. Those things kept me from completely losing it.
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    First (((HUGS))) to you. You have been through too much lately. You really need to take time just for you. Let go of all the people who are not concerned about your well being, you do not need that in your life. I am praying for you that you will find some peace amid all the chaos that has been surrounding you. Wherever you decide to live it may be good to seek out some new friendships.
    We're here for you!!
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  17. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you Tanya. That means so much to me. I did need just time to get away. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas to you and yours. :snowman2:
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, call me blind (YOU'RE BLIND!!! ;)) but I didn't notice until a poster pointed it out that you have bipolar disorder. I hope you are taking your medication. That is absolutely mandatory to being ABLE to think and slow down your mood shifts so that you CAN make good choices for yourself. I have a mood disorder too. It isn't quite as extreme as having full manic episodes, but I do go up and way, way, way, way down. I have learned that I have absolutely no choice, if I want a healthy life, than to slow down my life and chill out. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist and are not on any medication that can be plain deadly for somebody with bipolar disorder. That, in of itself, is very dangerous. You can not control the moods alone as this is a biological condition, as much as if you had strep throat or epilepsy. Even thearpy alone will not control the ups and downs of a bonafide mood disorder.

    I would highly recommend moving somewhere peaceful where you don't know anybody. My husband and I did that and, while, yes, we knew each other, we had no family there. THAT WAS THE IDEA...lol. Being around your toxic relatives is NOT going to make your life more tolerable or any better. It will also probably trigger bad memories and, if you have PTSD, cause that to go ballistic. I do think the very best solution for somebody with a mood disorder, possibly not yet medicated and needing to be, and with a horrific family history is best off starting fresh, in maybe a place by the water where you can chill out and reflect when you feel anxious.

    If you are getting the proper care for your bipolar, then moving would require help from your doctor. He would be able to refer you to somebody else.

    GM, when you post, you sound sweet as sugar, but you are clearly always frazzled and confused and I can almost feel the tears on your posts, which makes me sad for you. Part of that is life, yes, it isn't the best. But nothing THAT bad is happening to you right now. Your daughter isn't there anymore or acting out right now. Your brother isn't a constant in your life and you can choose to leave him whenever you like. I do think a lot of your extreme emotions are from the mood disorder. Don't get angry, please, because I have some too...but it sounds as if you may have some borderline traits too. They often go together. That requires therapy galore in order to learn how to control our mood dysregulation. I am getting pretty good at it! There is so much help and hope out there for you, but, just like your difficult child, you have to be willing to get it. You MUST see a psychiatrist and take your bipolar medication. It's not an option, if you want to reach any sort of stability (no medications are 100% perfect). You MUST see a therapist, even at a free clinic, to help you regulate your moods so that you have coping ski lls when you feel your life is blowing up in your face. Yes, there are ways to stop it from getting to that point, but you have to want to help it.

    We are like our difficult children. If we dont' get help WE don't get better either. But I'm very proud of you for leaving and for posting here. We all care about you!!!!!! No matter where you live, WE ARE HERE! Enjoy your holiday. Please, please avoid any monsters from your past. Don't even tell them you're in town. (((Hugs!)))

    P.S.--Mid-Wisconsin is very cheap living for those on Disability, low crime, low stress and friendly people. Also our good hospital mental health clinic takes Medicaid. Just saying...we can't be the only place that way. I'm only paying $600 a month rent for a nice two bedroom apt. with two dogs and that includes all utilities except electric, which has been low. So there are places...there are.
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2014
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    by the way, you were so compassionate for leaving on Christmas...compassionate to you. Brother doesn't like you. He's mean to you. What does he care? What does his wife care? They have nobody to pick on? Breaks my heart.

    I get your daughter caring, but, hey, she has caused you so much grief, she'll be with people on Christmas. I don't think your nephews or niece should figure in as they are children and adults make decisions that children can not possibly understand.

    I get it about not being able to give away your dog. My dogs are important parts of my family who I cherish and love. So that resonates with me big time. I couldn't leave mine either. There are rental places that take dogs.

    This was the first kind and very courageous thing you have done since being on the board. MERRY PEACEFUL CHRISTMAS!!!!
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2014
  20. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ok, thank you MWM, I appreciate your input and advice. I hope your having a good Christmas as well. Words can't express the gratitude I have for you to help make me stronger and wiser.

    Well, might as well post here. I don't want to create a new thread for every subject since so much is going on. Might as well keep it under one "roof". So anyway, I arrived. I been here for about an hour or so. I decided to leave early as I had a major second wind of energy and wanted to take advantage of it. It was a very nice and peaceful drive. My daughter called me while on the road and we told each other what we got for one another. That was very nice, I really enjoyed that. We played 20 questions, she guessed her gift in 6 questions, and of course I guessed mine probably close to 20 lol. It was our way of spending Christmas together and it was much better than...well the other alternatives, especially what happened on Thanks Giving. She seemed very happy when we hung up so that made me happy. When I arrived, my friend (who is actually a relative of one of my ex's from a long time ago) she had everything set up for me which was really nice. I haven't seen her in a long time. I look forward to spending this time with her. It was a very rough trip, it took me a lot to get here. I felt like I fought wild Lions geez. But I'm here. I made it, just very, very tired right now and I'm thankful for a comfortable bed. I'm really glad I came. This is her first home and it is soooo nice.

    So I am thankful that my daughter is happy and I am thankful I have a neighbor that I can trust to watch my dog so this way I don't have to worry about anything. Very thankful.

    I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Thank you to everyone who has helped me since I been here. In all honesty I can not express the gratitude that I have. It truly mean a lot. I don't think I really could have left had it not been for you all telling me it's ok not to put up with mistreatment no matter what the occasion is. Really, and that's the truth. Thank you for making me feel it's ok to live for me. Again, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year if I don't get to talk to you before then.