I used to be an "old timer" but due to stress from difficult child - I'm now the proud owner of a brain with partheimerz.
Dancer -
I spent the better part of my childhood/early adult life being bullied, left out, whispered about. I'm the kid that you saw sitting alone at luch dying to be part of any group. At the time I would have eaten a bug to be someone's best friend. I survived high school and for a long time was the butt of jokes that had hurt in gradeschool and thanks to the cliques - quite never got rid of. It hurt - and I hate cliques.
I love this community. To me it's an extended family. It's actually the ONLY family I have that understands me when I say things like - Dude fingerpainted on the wall when he was 6 with poop, or My son is a convicted felon and people don't shy away from me. I don't know how many members there are here - I can go look, but we care.
Personally I missed your post. I did not read it, I did not see it, and I can't apologize for something I didn't do because I didn't see it. (I would have so many spiders to apologize to if that were true) and I also know for a fact that the give to get theory is very true. I wish I had the time to respond to all the posts. I have a head full of knowledge, a soul full of empathy and a heart that is as compassionate as I allow it to be.
There isn't a member here that I don't care about, wish well, hope the best for, or pray for. There are from time to time people I disagree with, things that are said that I think otherwise, posts that make me just sit and think WOW - I'm so blessed, and posts that leave me scratching my head, and comments that are posted that make me just roll over laughing. Other posts leave me sitting in my chair trying to not let anyone see me crying. Like yours here because of a misunderstanding. No one wants anyone here to leave feeling hurt. It happens, sometimes for a good reason or a dose of reality, sometimes a little too harsh, sometimes not harsh enough or in a way that someone could understand that will help. But no cliques - just respondants.
You really want to feel awful? Ask me how many of my posts have been totally deleted (chuckles to self) yeah.....I get a little out there on occasion. And it used to really hurt, now I understand that sometimes things are done for the good of the board.....and that's what this is about, this entire community -
I finally found your post - and here's what I think about that since I'm not going to respond to the other one now....here goes.
You trusted difficult child to take your car, pick up a friend and go where she said they were going. Church.
When you got a call from these sources telling you they had seen her in a car with a young man you have told HER not to be around. You got in your car and drove TO WM.
You found her and best friend/baby, and young man in what I am assuming is YOUR car. Then you told her to drive him home, and then take Bestfriend/baby home.
Then young man (I say that because I've said the word @$$ too much on another post) said you threatened to "pop a cap in his @$$ (there is just no getting away from that word) and was going to police, but you know for a fact there are warrants out for his arrest.
I have many questions about this entire scenario -
1.) What consequence does your daughter KNOW will happen if she leaves your house, in YOUR car, and does not do what she says she will do? OR in simpler terms WHAT punishment for lying? And not just one one count - there are several here -
a.) Take your car/gas
b.) I am going to church
c.) I am going to be with my best friend and her baby
Instead -
a.) she went to pick up best friend/baby - okay
b.) says best friend coerced her- disobeying & lie
c.) she went to pick up best friends boyfriend - disobeying & lie
c.) she knew she wasn't to be with or near him - disobeying
d.) she went to WM -disobey and lying
2.) Trying to parent on the "fly" and make it up as we go is lethal to a difficult child/parent relationship. With Dude we assumed if his lips were moving he was lying. We told him so. We had wiped his slate clean so many times the board had a hole in it. So we devised a better plan. EACH time he walked TOWARDS the door saying "Can I leave and go to Xhouse? I'll be back at 3?" We would say "YES YOU MAY GO. THE CONSEQUENCE FOR NOT BEING WHERE YOU TELL US YOU"LL BE AND NOT COMING HOME ON TIME IS 5 DAYS IN YOUR ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT A BOOK." This was said if he was even going to ride a bike around the block at 15, 16 and 17. You lie to me once I have no reason to belive you - and you will BE where you say you are going to be or there will be consequences. What do you say EACH and EVER time your lying daughter walks out of the house regarding her obeying the house rules on leaving, being and returning on time?
3.) You should never have to get in your car and hunt your kids down, but it happens. However - when we would go looking for Dude - the 1st place we went is where he TOLD us he would be. Two reasons. 1.) I want to believe my son over my sources that call and say my son is here or there and it could have been mistaken Identity. 2.) If I go there - and the kid says to me -"I was there" - you can say _"SO was I, I talked to this person - you were NO WHERE to be found - I caught you LYING." THEN level consquence you have already established. The fact that you went straight to WM and NOT the church tells me difficult child daughter has lied before.
4.) Is this girl with the baby REALLY her best friend if she can manipulate your Daughter into doing things that she KNOWS are wrong? Is this a friendship she should continue? I wonder what story the best friend gave HER parents - maybe you should call and compare notes?
5.) Who told you this boy said you were going to harm him and was going to the police? Him? Did he tell you that? If he did - I'd be at the police station in a snap and be filing slander charges, and asking for an order of protection to include myself, and my property. THEN I'd send a notarized written letter to him, registered and receipt requested with copy to the police, that as the mother of an underage girl you are requesting he stay away from your daughter. And at the VERY least - I'd file a police report to have on file of this entire incident citing his threat to go to the cops as my basis for fear of retribution.
6.) As far as standing there and having that boy refuse to get out of my car? Bravo to you because I'm telling you - I'd have gone to jail and HE would have been drug out of my car however I got him out. So KUDOS to you for not laying a hand on him. But should an incident like that ever happen again, and you KNOW there is a warrant out for someone? Say Fine - don't get out of mycar - and call 911. I bet his butt would have moved like a hot August prarie wildfire.
It sounds to me like your difficult child needs to know the consequences you and she can decide them together. No rules say a kid can't be part of their own punishment decision making.
but if today she still has car priveleges, and a phone, and she's going to best friends tonight and all that jazz? Then YOU Mom need to revamp the system of rules, rewards and consequences, write them out, post them and stick to them.
Personally - I am so glad I don't have girls.
Hugs -
Hope this helps - say where in SC are you
Oh yea - ps. Fix your PM so you can get PM. Sometimes people just want to say things but not in public view. Yet they may be so soft hearted they don't have the abilty to tell you.