I need help for my son!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by momofmany, Nov 18, 2017.

  1. leaving

    leaving New Member

    Him I'm new and don't know where to start. Please bear with me. I'm a mom of five kids - all have been homeschooled for most of their academic life, though they've all had the freedom to go to school if they wanted (some of them have for a couple of years). All the kids are involved in outside sports activities and youth group, etc. They all have friends. My son that I am worried about has even pulled away from his best friend lately. At any rate, my husband and I are extremely worried about our 15 YO son who we've come to find out has been progressively slipping into a deep depression, becoming very angry, lying. We've been periodically checking his phone and found very disturbing material he's been viewing on YouTube, mostly things like gay animation and some really crazy people he is "following" on YouTube. He's been watching clips about putting poop in weird places. He has slowly turned from simple video games to violent video games. He lies, constantly. I mean all. the. time. His grades have gone to hell - it's like he doesn't care about his academics the way he used to. He has told me he has thought about suicide (no plan).

    Most disturbing of all, I found his diary and I read it. I don't know if I can bring myself to even write this but he claims in his diary that he likes looking at pictures of little boys privates. He writes A LOT about ejaculating in different things and then washing with it (like a sock or towel). He writes about pooping in his underwear and pooping in different parts of the house.

    We haven't been able to see anything on his phone about the disturbing child issue. We are installing spy software today to go through ALL his online activity.

    Right away we got him into therapy twice a week. Not sure if it's helping. But I was able to get him into one of the best Hospital's psychiatric programs that will evaluate him thoroughly - that happens the first week of December. My concern is the child comments in his diary. I am beside myself with grief over this! Could this be a phase? What would cause this? Have I failed him?
    Thanks for listening.
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome MOM
    First I am glad you are here. Second I am so very sorry you have to be here and are in this state with your son.

    You have not failed anyone. You are a caring parent doing everything you can for your child.

    You have him in therapy and they will do testing. Weather it is a phase or a developing disorder, early treatment and management are the most critical steps you can take.

    Try to find a support group near you. I have one on one therapy and a support group. I find rhey help.

    I also find this forum has helped me more than anything. There are many wise parents here that can share their experience with you.

    You are not alone.
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  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! I am sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did find us. This is a serious issue, but you are on the road to finding help. That is a good thing. Please don't worry that anyone here will judge you. We won't. We all come here because our children are doing strange and difficult things that few, if any, people in our non-electronic lives have any concept of.

    I would say that you need to check every device that your son can use to go online. This means tablets, computers, game systems, even his siblings' electronics. Why his siblings? Because he may use their things so that when you check his things you won't find anything. If you have a family computer, also check that. Be aware that this is child pornography that he is viewing. You may need to speak to an attorney and the police about this if he is viewing this. Just looking at it or having it is a crime in most states. He may also hide data cards or thumb drives in his room. You should probably search his room very carefully while he is out, then search his backpack/bag of holding/whatever when he comes in. I know it is scary, but it is better to find it all in the beginning and deal with it rather than to keep finding little bits of it here and there.

    It sounds like you are on the right track with a thorough evaluation. I would also suggest including a neuropsychologist in the team evaluating him. They do very in depth evaluations that last 10-12 hours over several days. The neuropsychologist is a psychologist with special training in how the brain functions. It can take quite a while to get an appointment, but the hospital may have this set up as part of the evaluation. If not, they probably have one on staff. If they don't, check with a Children's Hospital.

    Until he is evaluated, you may want to limit his time online to times when you can sit with him. I mean sit right there and pay attention to what he is doing. He will HATE it, but it could keep him from more problems. I know it will be hard for you also.

    I do know how hard it is to have a depressed teen around. Especially one you are homeschooling. been there done that. I homeschooled my older 2 at various times for various reasons. It can be hard to get them to do schoolwork when they are depressed. Hopefully the doctors can help, but that will take time.

    What do you think started his slide into depression? What started the anger? Is there any history of abuse? I am NOT accusing you of abuse or implying that you abused him or allowed anyone to abuse him!!!!! I am saying that sometimes things happen that we don't know about because we cannot keep our eyes on them 24/7, not even when we only have one child. With 5 kids, it is even more of a challenge. You have coaches, time they are at friends' houses, and all sorts of other influences on their lives that provide opportunities for things to happen. Kids don't tell parents about things for many reasons. If you can figure out a trigger for his depression and anger, it might help. it might not be a magic fix for the problems, but it could help some.

    Is there any chance he is using drugs of any kind? Or drinking alcohol? Often that can cause real changes that parents cannot figure out. It might be worth buying a multi-panel drug test at the drugstore and testing him. Alcohol doesn't show up on those, but you can get tests that show a lot of other things. Most drugstores and places like Walmart carry them. It would eliminate one possible source of problems like depression and lying.

    Drugs won't generally cause someone to want to look at children in a sexual way. I am not sure what would cause that, but the doctors at the hospital would probably be able to help. I do know that many psychiatric hospitals have programs for teens who have acted inappropriately in a sexual way. Generally becoming a sex offender is described like being on a ladder. You don't just start out with the worst offense. You start out thinking about it, which would be the first rung. The second rung would be looking at pictures of little kids in a sexual way. Third rung would be pictures of naked little kids, and it would go from there. This is how it was explained to me. I hope the explanation helps a little.

    One thing that might help a lot is to write a Parent Report. There is a link in my signature at the bottom of this post. It will take you to a thread about the Parent Report. This is a report that you write about your child. It keeps all of the information about your son organized and in one place so that you can have it handy at appointments when you need it. You can also give copies of sections to doctors if you think it will help for them to read it. I found it to be one of the most powerful tools that I had when we were getting help for my son. It really is worth the time it takes to write the report and to keep it updated as things change.

    Keep posting here. It really does help. More people will be along soon, though weekends can be a little slow.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. You are brave for coming here. We wont judge you or your son.

    Your son is sick. Nobody can tell you why it happened and your son probably has no idea why he has these urges either. Sexual behavior like this is usually not a phase. It is good you are seeking help. I agree with most of Susie's post. I adopted a boy who turned out go be a sexual predator.

    Please keep your other kids and other kids in general away from him unless you are right there with him.

    Good luck. I know this is hard.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2017
  5. I want to say the most important part first: You did not cause this. You can't cure it. You can't control it. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. :( Please don't analyze how you have raised your children. Mental illness has a way of taking over and destroying the good things we have done. What you are describing may fall under 'paraphilia" Paraphilia - Wikipedia It has always fallen under the category of a mental disorder. You have done the right thing with getting him counseling and psychiatric help. Please make sure you continue this and get all the information you can. It is going to be his journey of recovery and if he truly does suffer from pedophilia or other disorder, he is going to have to manage it and he might be able to with a lot of professional therapy. Time is going to tell. It is horrible that you have to go through this. :( Please start learning to detach from his disorder. Not him, but his disorder. You can't fix anything. Again, so sorry for your situation.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2017
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i agree you are taking good steps. an evaluation, preferably a neuropsychiatic evaluation. will give lots of info. and a way to proceed.

    there is a silver lining here: you have a lot of control until he is 18. he can receive intensive treatment.

    have you spoken with him about what you have found? i might involve a professional for guidance on how to proceed.

    i agree that speaking with a family attorney makes sense. while nothing you have written reveals he has acted out, there is the potential he could.

    an attorney (and good child therapist) could help you make a plan.

    child protective services has people specially trained to speak with children. your son is a child. we would presume he would be protected. he needs protection.

    but i think i might seek out an excellent child therapist and attorney.

    there might be reasons to be proactive. but i would take no step with respect to cps without legal guidance.

    somebody here wrote that viewing child pornography is criminal in nature. that he is a child may be mitigating. but i cannot say as a fact because i am untrained and unfamilar with those laws.

    but this may be a reason that an attorney might advise transparency. a therapist might feel mandated to report to cps. this can be a subjective call to some extent.

    people here are sometimes ready to diagnose. but we are parents. we do not have the expertise to diagnose. and it can be unecessarily frightening. take what is written here with a grain of salt...if it is diagnostic in nature.

    at this point nobody can know. least of all strangers over the internet.

    it could be mental illness.

    it could be that he has been over-stimulated and exposed to stuff or behavior he could not handle.

    or other things.

    that is why you are taking him to professionals. we are here to support you and to share how we are navigating our own stories. getting stronger, kinder to ourselves and more accepting of what our lives are and our necessary limits. better able to stay present to our own needs and those of our family.

    i am sorry this hard thing is hapenning. to you. your son. your family.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    p.s. almost all of us have had to deal with facets of our children we did not know that emerged as they grew up. and sometimes quite young serious behaviors emerge.

    this does not mean we did not know them. things trigger us. external. internal. a combination. even for adults. older people even.

    something happens that we can't deal with, cope with and long dormant emotions or latent vulnerabilities come to the fore.

    there is no reason to believe son cannot be treated. there is hope.
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  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A child we adopted at 11 molested my very young other children (they are grown now, also adopted, and I have nothing against adopted kids...i love mine to the moon and would easily take a bullet for them!)

    I do not know if a child looking at pitures of young kids is a crime. However, when this 13 year old who hurt my littles was finally caught, the county I live in, without any prodding from us, took this 13 year old to court. He was found guilty of the felony of sexual assault of a minor. It was explained to me that an age discrepency of six years constitues sexual assault of a minor, although the 13 year old was techically also a minor.

    He was setenced to a residential lockdown specifically for young sexual predators. He tried to offend while there even with 24/7 surveillance and a boatload of help.

    He had to sign up as a sexual predator.

    I have no idea if all unusual sexual behavior in teens is treated harshly. But be prepared. I personally feel it is premature to go to an attorney. Your son isnt charged with anything. You need your moey for therapy in my opinion, unless you can afford both therapy and a lawyer. Not all of us can.

    Mandated reporters, of which I was one as a foster parent, must report any child abuse to CPS even if anothet child did the abuse. I truly dont know if only looking at little kids or talking about desires counts as dangerous enough for reporting to CPS and am glad I never had to ponder this. I would have had to have sought direction.

    The child we had was taken out of the home and we felt he was too dangerous to be in a family. We did not want him back and feared he would always terrify the littles, so the adoption eventually was severed by the state. So I dont know if this boy ever got better. He has four kids now. I pray so, but my only contact with him is what I saw on Facebook.

    Professionals can assess what is wrong with your son and tell you his prognosis. I am thinking that unless he did touch a young child and a victim comes forward, things will not be as rough on him as on our boy. One child I know, his parents our friends, was adopted young and very disturbed and at 12 admitted he was attracted to young girls. He had an eight year old sister and was removed from the family. He was never allowed back home that I knew of except for short visits, but never was in legal trouble. They moved and I dont know the outcome.

    Still....your son must be perceived as a risk to your other kids.

    Keep up the good work and help him as well as all of your children. Dont be us. Please.

    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  9. leaving

    leaving New Member

    We have no evidence at all that he ever looked at anything child-related on the internet. He's looked at some pretty weird stuff, but no evidence of children and I checked his phone and computer thoroughly. So I am not calling an attorney and definitely not calling CPS! I am starting to feel like everyone is reading to lock him up and throw away the damn key.
  10. Sorry you feel like that. I think people are just sharing their experiences based on your first post. That's great that there were no child viewing involved. My link about paraphillia was more based on the pooping in different places. There is an entire list of fetishes (which I randomly just discovered). I hope you have restricted his Internet access. There's too much influence from youtube and other social media sites. Maybe with help this will all pass. I hope so.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sorry. My answer was based on his saying he wants to look at little boy parts. You are right to hold back, but I would watch him around other kids. I stand by that until you know more. You cant be too careful in protecting your childrdn
    If it turns out it was not needed, then you still did your best because, honestly, this sexual stuff can get everyone in trouble if you arent careful. Not meaning to be harsh, but better to be safe than sorry. Protect your son but the four others need protection from him until you are sure he is safe. You cant be yet.

    The fact is your son is straying way out of normal territory in his thinking. Your other four do need to be watched with him as you take this difficult journey. It doesnt hurt anyone to keep him in your sight with other kids. You are getting help...you will know more later. If you had no other kids it would be much easier! But you do and some are younger than him. That he SAYS he likes to look at LITTLE boys privates is a definite sign to watch him...whether he acts or acted on this yet doesnt matter. Play it safe. Help him control himself.

    Much love!! Sincerely!
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i am sorry you feel a lack of support.

    i can only speak for myself. the last thing i would want is that anything happen to your son. that he be judged or punished. i want him safe and protected and treated.you are doing all of these things.

    but you are talking with professionals who have a mandate to evaluate potential risk to the other kids.

    i want you to know that.

    that your son has an advocate is not a bad thing. my own son had a legal advocate. whose only responsibility was his welfare. that did not mean that either my son or i had done anything wrong. your situation is more complicated due to the other kids in the home. this is not to judge your son. it is to protect everybody.

    nor do i want you to suffer.

    i reread your post. you are doing everything right. therapy twice a week. a comprehensive exam.

    i know you are afraid. i was quite vulnerable when i came here. that was about 2.5 years ago. i think we each of us has gone through so much and heard so many stories...what you read as blaming or hurtful was an attempt to protect.

    this is a public forum. people post here with all kinds of backgrounds and motivations. i know i felt hurt and judged at first. we can be insensitive without meaning to be. but i felt support too. i learned to stick up for myself and to discern what was helpful. i still get hurt sometimes. but on balance i feel support.

    i hope you give us another chance. again
    i am very sorry if i wrote anything that hurt or upset you. it was never my intent.

    you might find it helpful to do a search and read others' stories that might be similar. just put in key words.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Leaving

    I see in the posts suggestions from experience. Ther is a lot of empathy and support. Many comments indicate support and encouragement that a path for our son can be positive.
    My focus on this support group is to take what we need and leave the rest. I do not feel any one in this forum has any ill intent.
    I wish you the best with the plan and Suppodt you chose for your child we all know this is not easy.