I need HELP!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jeru, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. Jeru

    Jeru Determined

    I have no idea what's going on with my 5yr old son. I'm new to this site and hopefully I can find a place to talk to ppl who understand and maybe even get some advice...we've been having a lot of trouble with him and it seems to be getting worse. It started, noticeably, in Preschool and now he's in K. In preschool the teacher would always send home reports about how he's constantly aggrivating the other students and not listening. I became defensive because it seemed the only word she'd use to describe my son was aggrivating and honestly it just made me mad. So after a couple of parent-teacher conferences, eventually we took him out. By that time it was summer so he went to a summer school where they didn't send home too many complaints, BUT come to find out all they really did there was go on a few field trips and sit in a room and watch t.v. or video games all day...and his camp counselor was a high school kid. So of course the complaints weren't given. So here we are, now, mid-way through grade K and the complaints have been rolling in day after day. He's not bothering the other students like the previous teacher reported he was doing, but he's beginning to have problems with being quiet during class and, quite simply, just following the everyday routine/directions/class rules. He isn't having problems on his report card except for the behavior. In fact, he pretty much has all of his class work mastered (with the exception of his handwriting...but he's 5 so...) Recently he was SUSPENDED for (and this is the suspension notice) not following directions, hiding behind a shelf and playing, and lifting up a students shirt. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seemed down right absurd to suspend a 5 yr old for the above mentioned! For one, he claims he was calling the students name over & over & she didn't listen so he pulled her shirt to get her attention... That was about a week ago, then I get a call from the teacher today telling me that he just won't listen to what he's being told. He also gets very panicky when you tell him that he has to stop playing a game or anything for that matter, even down to either washing his hair or bathing his body first...it all seems to be a difficult task for me to do anything peacefully with him. The other day I saw him run up to his 18 month old sister who was innocently standing by the door looking outside and out of nowhere punched her in the crotch...it's the things like this that baffle me. right now it's 5:17 and he's been in his room, sitting on a chair in the middle of his room, since he's been home from school. And pretty much peacefully too might I add. So, I wonder, is he just acting out every now and then just to get a rise out of us? I've had ppl suggest ADD/ADHD, but how can a child with that disorder do so well with work, or like right now sit in a chair for a couple of hrs, or watch a whole 2 hr movie all the way through without getting up, and things of the like? Is he testing his limits? Is this normal? Oh, and sometimes, like today, he'll say disturbing things when he's getting a punishment. I told him to go to his room for the way that he behaved in class today and he began to say that he was going to rip everything off of himself, even his hair, and that then he'd rip his brain out so he'd be dumb. Then other times he'll say things like, nobody wants to hear me talk, I'm stupid and things like this too. Should I get him to a doctor? Or would that increase the behavior because he's getting all of this attention for it? He loves to get attention and will do tricks all day long to get it, so I'm wondering if him saying stuff like that is so I'll say "oh baby, now you know that that isn't true...everyone loves you and we all think you are a very intelligent boy, please don't say those things..." then other times when his dad is giving him a spanking, he'll turn around and just start slapping himself across the face out of rage or anger or whatever...I need some input. I don't know where to go from here. And like I said earlier, with the punishments, after the initial blow is over and done with and he's accepted that he's punished, he'll obey and not act out and he'll do whatever it is that he's supposed to do. He's been punished for the entire afternoon/evening, didn't get to do anything but sit in his room, and he did it with grace...what's wrong with this picture. Maybe anger management and self control issues...but he's 5, doesn't every 5 y o have that to some degree and maybe mine just has the extreme version? Maybe Karate could help with the outlet of energy & at the same time teach principals of self control? Any suggestions?:anxious:
  2. JulienSam

    JulienSam New Member

    Jeru --

    First, a big ((HUG)) for you. Have you talked to your pediatrician about his behavior? Or a school psychologist?

    Seems to me that the school should be able to provide some more supports for him -- even if he's not specifically qualified -- or at least the teacher would be more willing to see what you could work out together re: your son's behavior.

    I'm just in the beginning of this journey with my soon to be 5 yr old son, and don't really have any other suggestions or advice other than keep checking back here -- there are many parents who have been where you are who have already given me some great advice on starting points.

  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hi Jeru--sorry you had to find us. I think we can give you some help but could you give us some more information first to help us decide which direction might be best for you? It sounds like there are transition issues going for starters.

    1) Have there been any major changes in your son's life recently--a move, changes in living situations such as divorce, or anything else?
    2) Are there any mental health or substance abuse problems in the biological family? Depression, bipolar,
    3) Going back to birth, has your son had any developmental issues such as speech?
    4) Is he overly sensitive to sensory stimuli--fussy about clothing, picky eater, bothered by lights or loud sounds, avoid going into loud places, etc?
    5) What are your son's interests?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm an oldee here, been through the mill, and I'd have him see a neuropsychologist. From what you said, I don't think it's as simple as ADHD. I don't want to take guesses, but I'd definitely take him to a neuropsychologist. Did he have any developmental delays in speech, socialization? Can he make good eye contact with strangers? Does he freak out during transitions? Does he seem to have an averstion to loud noises, certain textures or foods? Welcome!
  5. Lulu

    Lulu New Member

    I'm pretty new here, but can empathize with your frustration and confusion. The long-time members have so many great ideas and have already helped me considerably. Just wanted to say that I understand where you are at. :)
  6. Jeru

    Jeru Determined

    Okay...so answers to questions-
    (1)There have been no major changes in our life. Isaac is going to the same school, his baby sister is 18mo old, his dad is about to deploy overseas (which he hasn't shown much emotion except when we first told him which was at least 3 months ago-he crawled behind the couch and hid and cried), but now he's of the mind that "when daddy leaves it's gonna be mommy and Issac time all the time"...according to him. But no, my husband hasn't left yet, he will be gone in about a week though which I'm NOT looking forward to, but especially not looking forward to the hardship on the children. We really don't do anything differently...it's the same day in and day out.
    (2)My father is said to be manic depressive, but I see no symptoms and he's not on medications for it. Alcoholism runs all throughout my side of the family, to include brothers mother father. My family is extremely dysfunctional though as far as me & my mother/father/brothers/sister...no wonderful relation there...my husband & I have a beautiful marriage though and are very close with each other and our bb's
    (3)Developmental Problems...no. Separation Anxiety that went on for God at least a yr-yes. So we switched him from place to place, for not only that reason, but also because you know great childcare is hard to find. I wouldn't stop until I could find a place where he wouldn't lose it when I dropped him off. We finally found it ...4 childcare facilities later...Isaac does seem to have a problem with interaction. He'll become over bearing to where the other children are not wanting to play with him, he constantly asks the other children to watch him as if he's got to be the cntr of attn. and I mean out of the ordinary constantly. He does become somewhat physical every now and then but this is not too often. He picks in mean ways. It's almost as if he's trying to be hateful in a sneaky way BUT the really weird thing is that he is extremely loving! He lies a lot too. But I do want to add something here-Isaac was 2 weeks old when his dad deployed the first time. I was a new wife, new mom, new at all of it. I was horrible. I expected Isaac to know a lot more than he did, but I didn't realize this until much later. I didn't have patience, I would yell...when he was 2 & throwing tantrums I would lock him in his room thinking that's what I should do until he calmed down hrs later. I didn't know I should have been working with him, not ignoring him until he was just exhausted from crying & screaming. I was also raised by an extremely angry mother. Anger was very apparent in all of the discipline. So do you think that this has something to do with his panicky/anxiety type behavior? I can't help but think that this has got to have something to do with it. I mean now, patience, calm conversations, listening to what he's got to say are all a major priority because we realize we screwed up big time...we just didn't know what we were doing, and now, we still don't...but now I realize I have to turn outward to seek support & advice, not just assume things like before. So I'm thinking maybe I'm part of his problems...just a little more background to go on...
    (4)Isaac is very panicky when it comes to transition. It could be from going from waking up to the bathtub, from the video games to bed, from playing to dinner time. When something changes and it's time to do somethng else, it's a battle a lot of the times. If I wash his hair first he wanted to bathe first, if I bathe him first he wanted to do his hair first. He wakes up upset constantly. He goes to bed pretty happy because we have a cool routine for him. But just when it comes to everyday things, from one thing to another, he's just constantly not wanting to and get panicky and whiny. As far as going into loud places, he hasn't shown any objection to going anywhere, besides the fact that he just doesn't feel like leaving the house, as if it were a chore. Loud sounds, bright lights do not bother him. Nothing strikes me besides his defiance, his inability to control himself even after he's told to be quiet mommy's talking, he's still rambling about what it is he wants and uncontrollable sometimes... like in the first pediatricians visit about 3 weeks ago, we weren't even there with her for 10 min's before she commented about "wow, he's umm, active...isn't he mom" and began asking me questions on his attn span....she said maybe not ADD/ADHD, but "controllably active". She did say to not be suprised when the reports from school come rolling in...Huh...I'll have to dig more when we go back next week...
    (5)Isaac likes art. He loves to draw-color-build-make-create...he loves to play imaginative things like hunting/camping/pirates...he likes to read, he loves leggos, he likes doing workbook stuff (like school-work books), he loves playdough, he's not feeling the sports thing. We tried to get him into soccer, and he just wasn't into it. I think competition on that level intimidates him, so that's why I was thinking Karate because it's more of a one-on-one thing (plus it teaches self-control techniques). He loves playing /visiting with all of his cousins and he has a bunch of 'em. He adores his baby sister and it's the very first thing he'll ask about as soon as he wakes up is if he can go play with Hannah...then after about 10 mins he's making her cry...he loves playing with friends, he's not a hermit at all when it comes to family/friends.
    I adore him & I want to do what I can to help him understand and deal with being him. I also want to play with him with-o becoming so frustrated that I'd rather run away from him.
    You guys have no idea how grateful I am to have found such a supportive place to go. I hate that I had to seek you out, but I'm happy that you're here.
  7. Lulu

    Lulu New Member

    In so many respects he's like my 4.5yo boy. Sigh. I also didn't know how to deal with such a child, and we went through every galldarn discipline method on the face of this earth. NOTHING WORKED! I also eventually had to shut my boy in his room (and he promptly destroyed everything not nailed down). I know that feeling of self-doubt. I can't imagine how anxious you must be feeling about your husband's deployment. (((HUGS))) Keep in touch.
  8. Jeru

    Jeru Determined

    Sorry Lu about your son too. It's so frustrating to try and live basic everyday life in a peaceful manner. The stress that my son is bringing to the family is just unbelievable. Take just this morning for instance. Isaac runs in our room at 5:30am and wants everyone to wake up. I tell him no it's not time but he can cuddle with me if he'd like. He says no, so I tell him to go back to his room and lay down. I make sure to tell him to be quiet so he doesn't wake up Hannah. So he goes DIRECTLY into Hannahs room and wakes her up! I just couldn't believe it. So I sit him down and make him write lines and I make sure he writes from left to right and not one word all the way down like I-I-I-I-WILL-WILL-WILL-WILL-....so he's at his desk in his room and I go to check and sure enough, he's doing it just like I said not to! Yesterday he got a note sent home, again, and this time he was sitting at the silent table at lunch and turned around and wiped food on another students back. I looked up ODD and it's funny because the post I did before this one, described that behavior so well...I found myself saying this morning to myself that I just didn't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of trying with no results. I'm taking him to our pediatrician asap to get a referral to someone who may be able to help before this gets any worse. by the way, your son destroying everything nailed down...yeah, we thought our son was like an animal! We had to take everything out that he could possible destroy or hurt himself with.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i just wanted to offer my support it can be incredibly hard on a family i know from my own experience.

    i also wanted to say follow your gut, bring him to the doctor to get checked out. everyone here has suggested the neuropysch evaluation. that is what i am in the process of doing.

    quite honestly never would of thought of it had they not suggested it.


    p.s. welcome :)