I really don't like her

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Apr 29, 2010.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Here I thought difficult child was doing so much better - more grounded in reality. She's back to herself, telling therapist that I'm abusive and neglectful. You should hear her list of reasons. If I wasn't so frustrated and angry with it all, I would laugh.

    Things like:

    She has to feed the cats and scoop the litter boxes (the litter boxes she *never ever* does and feeding the cats consists of scooping dry food out of the bin and putting it into the bowls - whoever notices the bowls are empty does it and it takes 10 seconds tops)

    I took a vacation from parenting and I'm not allowed to do that because I have kids (when I went to my mom's last weekend and then I brought her down with me on Saturday night - by the way, the only respite I've had in over a year and a half)

    I only do her laundry when she has nothing else to wear and then I make her bring in my clothes to, and she has to fold all the clothes (notice that I *do* her laundry, I don't keep track of when she needs it done; that's her job. I ask her to bring mine in, too, while I'm sorting hers. And she has folded laundry maybe 6 times in the last 3 years.)

    She has to make my bed and turn off my light (I have had her *help* me change the sheets on my bed maybe 3 times in the last 3 years because it is one of the most painful things I can do. And turning off the light? That's when she's been in my room for several hours in the wee hours of the morning doing her angst thing and she finally goes back to her room. I'm in bed. She can get the light on the way out as it is RIGHT NEXT to the door.)

    There isn't food she likes in the house (I spend at least 75% of my grocery money on food specifically for her to accommodate her semi-vegetarian diet. Her freaking organic milk is $6.00 a gallon and she goes through at least a gallon a week. Usually more. And that's just one item.)

    Etc, ad nauseum.

    And I think about all of the things I have done for her. All of the accommodations *I* have made for her, all of the advocating I have done, all of the defending. And I want to throw up. I don't even want to look at her.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I hate the selfishness and ungratefullness, they can be so hard to deal with. FWIW, the things you have her do are not out of line at all, she is completely and totally out of line.

    I know you "know" that, but sometimes it helps to have had someone else say it too.

    And there is no way in Hades anyone in my house is gonna get milk that is $6/gallon unless they go get a job! She needs a reality check, because she is not living in any reality that I know of.

    I would just be polite, but give her some space. Does she do this type of thing to get to you?

    One last thought, at least she still apparently trusts therapist enough to complain about you to her.
  3. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    It may be time for young miss difficult child to become more grounded in reality ~ your reality. I know her utter selfishness is part typical teen & part GFGdom however she needs to start becoming aware of your physical & financial situation. No one is about to cater to difficult children whims once she becomes an adult.

    I expect therapist blew off difficult children ideas of abuse. therapist needs to be working on reality based thinking; where in you give to get. No one is going to rescue Miss difficult child once she becomes an adult - doesn't work that way even if you have a mental/emotional illness. It's time for difficult child to get off her young behind & start pitching in like family.

    by the way, there have been many times I haven't liked my children - heck I struggled to find the love I have for them. I protected myself in so many ways. Still do.

    Start doing the same, Heather. You can protect your heart, yourself, without being an uncaring parent.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Yep...I can relate. We had similar BS going on last week. Since I'm so calm, quiet, and tactful, I finally yelled, "Will you just DO what I ask you to do and stop arguing with me?" Ever since she found out I'm most likely having knee surgery again, she's been fairly cooperative. Long may it last.

    Personally, I wouldn't be spending my limited budget on $6 milk. Especially when it isn't appreciated. When I learned Miss KT was throwing out her lunch on the way to school, that was it. I made no more lunches. I bought no more goodies that were specifically for her.

    Hugs. I know it's so hard on you.
  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Yes, the therapist does redirect her to reality. difficult child just isn't biting.

    Thing is, difficult child is dead serious about this stuff. She writes in her journal, that she shares with therapist, that she's basically a slave in this house....that she has to take care of me...that she does *everything*. And I'm pretty sure she actually believes it.

    The reality is difficult child does nothing unless asked and then under duress.

    She says I never help her with her homework. I've been trying all week to help her with a project; she doesn't want to do it. Her grade, not mine. And after today's revelation? Not offering.

    She made the comment that she wants to try out for track next year. She knows she has to work on building her stamina. She told therapist that she's been exercising. Ummmmm....Nope. Not at all.

    therapist said difficult child doesn't want to grow up; she wants to be a baby and have someone take care of her. therapist also doesn't think difficult child has much of a conscience if she has one at all.
  6. midnight

    midnight Guest

    I totally get where your coming from right now ! Whats sad is that when you tell people that you dont like your child most of them look at you like your a horrible person...but you didnt raise her to be this way and it sounds like you have done everything that you can to help her.Im beginning to learn that sometimes we can do our very best as parents and still somehow go through hell with our children...its not fair that shes treating you this way and its ok to say that you dont like the person that she is right now,its not saying that you dont love her and we all know that you do..otherwise you wouldnt be going through this with her. This group is a blessing because unless you have other parents going through the same situation you feel alone.
  7. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    Maybe it is time to get her to do more around the house. My difficult child does her own laundry now because she acted like I was demanding too much when I asked her to move all of our clothes from the washer to the dryer. I have also gone on mini-strikes in the past when she said I never did anything for her.

    If she is going to complain anyway, she might as well do more. At least then she is learning how to take care of herself and helping you to a certain extent. I never really realized how much one person's laundry adds until I didn't have to do difficult child's any more.

    You could also consider giving her a budget for her vegetarian foods and let her see how much extra that costs and how far the budget goes.

    I know she is difficult and it might not be that easy. Did she start taking her medicine again?
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Would therapist go along with you actually doing very little for her, and then STOP?

    I dunno...just thinking. With difficult child 1, silence was acceptance. If he griped to someone about me (which he did...and it sounded much like hers) and that person just listened, he took that as acceptance and agreement of his complaints. When I pointed that out to people he spoke to, and they started countering him, his underlying attitude didn't change, but how he expressed that attitude around me did. Just thoughts.

    I'm sorry, cause it stinks to live with a kiddo like that.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    $6 a gallon for milk? WOW. I consider $1.49 a gallon expensive.

    I love my kids. Some days, I do not like them at all... But I do love them.

    And yeah, been there done that. It hoovers. But - she is old enough to take charge of herself. So you won't do her laundry unless she has nothing to wear? Hmmmmm... Just have her do her own. Jett is learning that if he doesn't bring his clothes down on Friday night, I don't do it. He complained today he didn't have enough pants to wear to school. Well, between the fact that TUESDAY EVENING he was asked to put away his laundry from the week before, (so that's TWO DAYS) and he keeps wearing 3-4 changes of clothes a day... Told him Tuesday when I showed him his basket, versus mine and husband's - two adults had less than half the clothes of one child - that I was only washing one outfit per day from now on. (Not to mention him wearing good school clothes to BM's and coming home in short shorts, cutoff sweats, etc... He's old enough to know better. If he can remember his Nintendo DS... he can remember clothes.)

    Buy her her own bottle/box of laundry detergent and tell her - here you go. This should last you X months. Then don't do her laundry.

    Quit with the semi-vegetarian organic fancy stuff - you're not rich!!!!! I like the idea of giving her a budget. It's easy to get healthy food without going bonkers over organic. in my opinion - and according to many studies (not all of course) - it's not all that much better than the normal stuff. PLUS - you're the parent. YOU get to decide what she eats. If she throws a fit about it? Let her go hungry. She'll figure it out. She is not an infant who cannot fend for herself.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    First gentle ((((hugs))))

    Second--I can tell how hurt you are feeling by the way you felt the need to defend yourself by explaining away difficult child's accusations. But trust me, even without your explanations--difficult child is way out of line.

    She is complaining about having to take care of her pets???? (O poor me! My cats need to eat! boo hoo....then I have to clean up after them....whaa...) Give me a break!

    She had to carry a laundry basket containing comebody else's clothes? The horror!!!

    And she must turn off lights when she leaves a room? O say it ain't so! that's abuse at it's finest!!!

    And you, on your limited income, do not provide enough specialty foods for her? Well, why should you?

    That girl needs to gain some perspective. Any chance she could go volunteer at a soup kitchen or a food pantry this summer? It could count toward "work experience" and give her a look at what other families have to go through every day.

    Meanwhile, you need to start prioritizing yourself for a change!
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    PS - difficult child 1 discovered brand name clothing and fashion at the rope old age of 7. Money, so much, wasn't the issue at that point 'cause we just plain couldn't afford the brand names unless it came from Goodwill or garage sales...But the "fashion"??? Oh yeah...THAT was an issue. Because he layered. And layered. And layered. It was not uncommon for him to wear 8-10 articles of clothing to school a day. In layers.

    And he didn't have tons of clothes, so it created a lot of repeated laundry for me to keep him in clothing. So at the ripe old age of 8, he had a choice. Wear normal amounts of clothing, or wash it yourself. He chose wash it yourself. And he did the bulk of his own laundry from then on.

    When he got a little older, and name brand stuff NEW became an issue, I made a list of clothes he needed and then took him to JC Penney's, which we both agreed was a good "middle of the road" store - not Wally World, but also not The Buckle. We priced Levi's jeans, and decent shirts, etc. So if he needed 4 pairs of jeans for school, and Levi's were $30 a pair, I handed him $120. He could buy 4 pairs of Levi's at Penneys, or 4 pairs of Faded Glory jeans at Walmart and have leftover money, or a pair and a half of "Buckle" jeans. I didn't care. His choice. And one year, he did buy Buckle jeans. And he washed them. EVERY day. And they fell apart. And he had to spend birthday money to buy more jeans.

    You maybe could do something similar with the groceries. Here's your "budget"...how you gonna spend it? Cause that year that difficult child had one pair of jeans was a lesson learned for him...He found new ways to get his "high fashion". lol
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2010
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe she SHOULD do EVERYTHING for a week. That might flip the light switch of how much she really does.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I was thinking the same thing- it sounds like you've been doing TOO much for her, not too little and I'd be so tic'd I'd be tempted to start being the way she's accusing you of.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And maybe keep a "secret journal" for her to stumble onto...stating "if she wants to see what a do nothing mom is like...I'll be a do-nothing mom!" lol

    Ok, maybe not. But sometimes its fun to just plot.
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I don't know that you have been but I definately have been not expecting much work out of mine. When I look at how little she does around the house and then doesn't even do that well, compared to what we used to do. we used to work all day out in the yard gardening, mowing, pulling weeds, we cleaned the house (all of us). I have to say that I don't much like mine either. She has put me through so much, it's hard to. Plus she's still doing it and there is more to come, I am sure. I used to feel bad, I don't anymore. I feed, clothe, educate and keep a roof over her head. It is hard to do that sometimes because of her behavior. When I go to the grocery store, I do not buy her any goodies like I used to. I buy what I like, want and what we need with no demands, begging, or pleas she's not getting anything from me. i would like to do something nice for her, but as soon as I do, SHE'S Baaaaacccckkkk in full force. Not going there. It's easier to not do things than I thought, it took a long, long time for me to get here. Sometimes she doesn't even ask now, because she knows the answer is NO, NO, NO. Not doing it. I told her no, I am not going to do that for you, I am going to take that money and go get my nails done, or a hairstyle for me. She absolutely hates to hear that my money is being spent on me and not her. WOW. She doesn't want to hear it so she has opted to shut-up at times.

    I also, I know probably bad parenting, but she has got it for the time being. She always likes to tear up my things and my house. Well I warned her at the therapists office, if you break something of mine then I break something of yours. Guess what she broke something, and it killed me to waste the money but I picked up her stereo and broke it right on the floor. She could not believe it. It figuritevely hit her in the gut and though she has wanted to break something she has not. I thought well I could have given that to another kid or taken it away, but then you get the begging and the pleading and the whining, and they don't really care because they think they can drive you crazy enough to get it back. Not happening. hang in there. I bet there are a lot of us hear that don't like our kids, but still love them. :D
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jody - I wish I had the nerve to break something of Onyxx's I had paid for. I just can't seem to do it. Besides, she will break it herself soon enough.

    Since last fall she has killed 3 mp3 players, and had her $250 camera (bought by mother in law) and husband's old GPS (satellite wouldn't connect but it worked for music) stolen at school. She wants them replaced but I flat refused... And told her to save her money. Kid cannot save. Too bad.

    We had a clothing allowance for a while. I gave her $100 and told her - whatever you get - you need jeans and tops. She came home with $60 in g-strings (!!!!!) and $45 in koi from Hot Topic - makeup, buttons, etc. She borrowed $5 from a friend. Then a week later she wanted new jeans... I reminded her of the money I had given her for jeans and tops. She whined, complained, and punched a hole in her bedroom wall. I wouldn't cave... But I did go to Wal-Mart, and bought 6 pairs of pants and 8 shirts, socks, underwear and shoes for Jett - on clearance - for $85. He was thrilled. Onyxx was not.

    Tried a different tactic - told her - you have $150 - spend it where you want. BUT - I had the money. So she got 2 pairs of jeans from Pac Sun, 4 shirts from JC Penney and some new underwear. No shoes... Because she spent $110 on jeans.

    Somehow in all of this she decided she likes Goodwill. (WHEW!)
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Heather,
    I hate when they are like this-difficult child and easy child/difficult child 1 get like this (they don't keep journals though). Many gentle hugs.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's not easy.

    Heather, I also agree, I think you;ve been doing too much. But also, you're doing it with a sense of, "This is my job. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to work hard to be a good mother."

    I think you're driving yourself into the ground, especially given your health problems. But more than that - you're doing it with an attitude of combined resentment, and desperation. You feel you have to do this or be seen as an unfit mother (possibly you are concerned because your health problems make it difficult and you feel guilty - don't) and then it doesn't get valued or appreciated. So your eventual aim, to have her independent and contributing, looks like zero progress infinitely into the future.

    Very disheartening.

    We trained our kids to pitch in and to a certain extent we had success. husband is unhappy at the moment because he feels difficult child 3 is not pulling his weight and I think he is right - but I also think we have to move him along slowly, at his pace, or he won't "get it".

    Each of our kids has been different, in how they took this independence stuff on board and in how they pitched in. We did have a bonus on the "child as carer for disabled parent" stuff - there is a mob in Sydney called Carers NSW. They have a branch called Young Carers. In fact, easy child was involved from the very beginning. They sent the kids on camps where they got the chance to do fun stuff they would normally have missed out on; they met other kids who were also carers for different reasons, they had counselling at these cams as well. They talked to one another, they compared notes. It was marvellous. Of course this didn't mean that all these kids were model citizens working selflessly, constantly, to support a disabled family member. A lot of them were also difficult children and a few went off the rails, ran away from home and became street kids on drugs. I met some of the families and while most of them were genuinely needy, there were some who I felt were just not trying (and interestingly, it was mostly these who later had problems with their kids). [An aside - our two girls have now married guys they met at Young Carers camps]

    The networking helped. That's why this site is so good - we support one another, we kick ideas around.

    Now, you haven't got that. A pity. But I'm telling you - these kids DO feel resentment for the slightest thing, which they will blame on you and your health, when in any other household they would be expected to do as much just to learn independence, and NOT feel resentful for helping.

    What I'm saying - DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING UNWELL and needing help.

    Help is what we all do in a family. husband needs someone to hold the end of a board he's sawing - he calls for someone to help. I need help raking leaves and carrying what I rake to the compost - I call for help. We need help running fallen timber through the woodchipper - difficult child 3 is there like a shot, to help (his favourite job).difficult child 3 needs help with something - we have to be there for him too, just as we expect him to be there for us. But we make it clear - in this family, we help one another. We work as a team. Ask them - what position do you play on the family team?

    Now, each member of the team is different. In the same way, our kids are all different.
    I did my utmost to teach ALL my kids to cook, to sew, to do laundry. OK, easy child can do laundry. That's about it. She's been fairly useless at everything else. She's hamfisted, she would force something (and break it) rather than find a better, safer way. She's changed more now since she left home, but I despaired of her. She got around the cooking problems by marrying a guy who is a great cook. After all, SIL1 was sole carer for his partial quadriplegic mother from the age of 5, he's had to cope. But he also has taught easy child a lot about cooking and NOW she will ask me for recipes occasionally.

    difficult child 1 - a boy. But he learned to use the sewing machine too. He still does occasionally bring stuff to mend and will go repair it on my machine. Or sew up some leather for his current favourite hobby, medieval warfare. He unpicked the stitching on an old pair of my sheepskin boots I gave him, to make a lining for his helmet.

    Now, to how we cope at home - what has worked best (and appears to be what you are doing to a certain extent when asking for help with your bed) is, I would get them to work alongside me. This works best especially for difficult child 3. He needs to see how it is helping NOW, directly, when he gets actively involved. For example he hates doing the washing up but the other night he desperately needed husband's help with something on the computer. I said to difficult child 3, "Dad is really tired and has a very limited amount of time and energy tonight. He has to make a choice - do the washing up, or help you. he can't do both, and the wash-up has to be done."
    difficult child 3 then VOLUNTEERED to do the washing up, in order to give his dad a chance to help him with the computer. So while husband worked on the computer, difficult child 3 got the washing up dealt with.

    This also requires baby steps. If a kid has been really stubborn and 'helpless' about doing anything, it's easy for us to either throw in the towel completely and let the kid know what it's REALLY like to have to look after yourself completely; or otherwise, we tend to step in and take over with an impatient, "For pete's sake, I'll do it!" I know husband especially has to fight this, because he knows he can do the job perfectly and exactly how he wants it; after the kid has done it, husband will probably have to do it over, PLUS clean up the mistakes. And when your energy is limited, you don't want to waste it on fighting the kids.

    So what we've found in our household - we have certain patterns of family behaviour. I cook the dinner, husband washes up. Or gets someone else to take a turn. Once a week (Sunday night at the moment) I get some washing on. I get home help on a Monday morning and she hangs out the washing for me. So Sunday night, I get all my ducks in a row and get the washing started. First to go in - all the washing that has made it to the laundry. I then go check the usual deposition places - usually outside bedroom doors. I then announce, "I am now doing the washing. Anything not in the laundry will miss out."
    This gives people the chance to do a mad scramble and get their laundry together.

    Often the first load is on and running and people come to me and whine, "You started before i was ready!"
    The moral is - BE ready. The laundry tub is there all week, a waiting receptacle.

    A big problem with laundry and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids - they don't like changing clothes. So I often have had to chase the boys for underwear. difficult child 1 would often quote a favourite book character (a very old barbarian hero who only wore a leather loincloth in all weathers) "Why change? Good leather don't rot for years!"
    Often by the time difficult child 1's underwear made it to the laundry it was only fit for the compost heap. Same with socks.

    If what I was presented with in the laundry was too objectionable, it wouldn't get washed with everything else and I would call the owner to the laundry for a lesson in decontamination. All the raw materials are in the laundry, labelled. The same technique is always the starting point - vinegar. Spray smelly clothing liberally with white vinegar. It doesn't matter if it dries again.
    If the clothing is really bad, then they had to get a bucket and half-fill it with warm water. Then toss in, and stir, some enzyme soaker or pre-wash soaker. Add the vinegared clothing and agitate with a plunger thingie we have (turns the bucket into a giant coffee plunger). Leave to soak. Rinse the next day. Remark on the ghastly colour of the water (that really is something the grotty boys love to do - I've had them take photos of it).
    Never hot wash. It only cooks in the stains and smells. Warm wash only if you must, to shift bad oil stains.

    I would involve the kids in this. If it was their precious clothing, they had their own investment to make in it.

    With the clothing allowance - we did this also. For us the limit was $200 a kid, but that was in Aussie dollars. And we never gave them the money and let them go spend - easy child did this once when she had her suitcase stolen with her sleeping bag, best clothing etc from a Young Carers camp; her stuff was in a parked car when the group stopped off at a cafe in the city. She had been collected late to camp, everyone else's stuff was already at the camp site. Their insurance paid up but sent the cheque to easy child in her name. She chased it then went on a shopping spree at an expensive boutique. She overspent and did not reimburse us for the lost sleeping bag or the lost camera or the lost suitcase. So we went back to the store, explained the situation, they took back most of the clothing (still in the bags with tags) and we took easy child shopping more carefully.

    We found we had to take the kids shopping and supervise or they would want unsuitable clothing, or not buy carefully. We took the approach you do when dishing out food on plates for a large group - you allocate a sponful at a time all round, rather than dishing up "Here's your serve" and finding you've run out and have to call someone back to scoop some off their plate. You can't generally do that with clothes shopping.

    So we would allow ONE pair of jeans IF they could show they had NO jeans that fit. Underwear - 10 pairs. They had to have at least 7 days' supply, since we only wash once a week. And only one G-string, for the girls to wear with their dance costumes only. One shirt/blouse/ One sweater. Then we see what they still want and how much money is left. And as you said, Step - op-shops and hand-me-downs suddenly became very popular because the kids realised they could pad their wardrobe enormously for the same dollars. Plus you can acquire some gems that way, as well as adapt something and personalise it.
    easy child 2/difficult child 2 bought a coat on sale. It was on sale because it had a sort of bubble hem which nobody liked. It really looked awful. But easy child 2/difficult child 2 painstakingly unpicked the hem and flattened it out. She then stitched it back together and now it flared beautifully; but the lining didn't fit. So she carefully cut a small swatch and took it shopping, found a remnant of lining taffeta the right colour and brought it home. She made gussets from the remnant and fitted it into the lining so it now sat neatly against the new, flared, coat. And all her friends asked where she got that cool coat from!

    Something else I have done - whenever jeans get too ripped or the girls turn them into sawn-offs, I keep the scraps and use them to patch other jeans. Again, I would involve the kids in this so they learn how to patch clothing. We use a three-step zig-zag stitch to hold a patch in place. if the kid wants the tear to be a fashion addition to the clothing, we patch from inside. In which case, if the patch is to be fashionable, we sometimes use a contrasting fabric. When difficult child 1 was younger and wearing through the knees in his grey school uniform trousers WITHIN A DAY I patched them with leather. I taught the kids to do this for themselves but would generally supervise - there are tricks they need to know. And easy child was always useless at this, worse by far than either of her brothers.

    We have taught our kids various skills not just in chores, but in hobbies. husband & easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often sit side by side in the evening knitting - CHAIN MAIL! This required winding fencing wire around a long nail, using either a hacksaw or tin snips to cut the loops free then using forceps to clamp the rings closed in a pattern.
    I've been doing more conventional knitting and offered to teach the kids, the boys especially. easy child 2/difficult child 2 knitted a scarf, she began knitting it when we were on holiday in Tasmania, five years ago. A couple of weeks ago I dropped in and was sitting there casting off my own knitting, and easy child 2/difficult child 2 said to me, "Mum, will you teach me again to cast off? I think my scarf is long enough now!"
    She'd kept on knitting because she didn't know how to cast off!

    But we have to remember - baby steps. And working together.

    Ignore the whining, the whinging and "My mother is abusive" crud.

    A story that holds me together at times is one form my childhood, one told at Sunday School.

    A boy was asked by his mother to rake the leaves and mow the lawn. He did the job but felt a bit resentful; his friend would do this chore for the neighbour and the neighbour would pay him. He felt his mother should pay him to do this too. So when he had finished and put the tools away, he sat down and wrote out an invoice.
    "RAKING - $2
    MOWING - $5
    TOTAL - $12"

    He folded the note and put it by his mother's plate on the dinner table.

    His mother found the note, opened it, read it and put it in her pocket. She didn't say a word.

    Next morning at breakfast the boy found a note by his plate.
    "WASHING YOUR CLOTHES - $5 a week
    MENDING YOUR CLOTHES - $5 a week
    COOKING YOUR MEALS - $15 a day
    WASHING UP - $5 a day
    NURSING YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK - $10 each time
    TAXI SERVICE - $1 a mile
    GROCERY SHOPPING - $10 a week

    TOTAL - more than you can ever repay

    Son - I do this because I am your mother and I love you."

    And there is another moral to this story - never try to bluff your mother with a low pair, when she has a full house.

  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know it hurts to hear her tell you that you are abusive. It seems that most difficult children throw this out as an excuse for whatever. You know you are not abusive. Not in the least.

    She will NOT die if she doesn't get her organic whatevers and special foods. Buy what fits into the budget and tell her to eat it or starve. As much is possible ignore her. Insist that she take her medications. Maybe tell her you will keep her fancy milk in the house IF she takes her medications for the entire week.If that will motivate her.

    Get a therapist of your own. PLEASE. You need more than us telling you that these problems are HERS and not your. Regardless of the garbage her mouth spews, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Period. It just is what it is.

    You are only required to provide a bed, blankets, clothing (NOT stuff she likes, just clothing), and food. If you cut down to the bare minimum and only give her the extras if she has earned them you will be on the road to teaching her a valuable life lesson.

    Your therapist will be able to reassure you that she is not believable and it is NOT your fault. She may be able to help you figure out ways to keep your sanity.

    In the meantime, with all her conflama, verbal diarrhea, and angst, I strongly suggest you invest in some earplugs. If you cannot hear her it won't bother you.

    My Gma (I) wore hearing aids. she and my Gpa even took sign language and lip reading classes, and let gfgbro and I go with them when we were visiting. She was great at lip reading. My Gpa could go on tears and get really verbally unpleasant. So she would reach up and "scratch her ear". In reality she turned her hearing aid off. She would sit there and nod, say "uh uh" and other little things, while hearing NONE of it.

    I have often been envious of that, esp with my gfgbro around.

    Earplugs are pretty cheap. Usually they are with the contact lens solution stuff at the store.

    difficult child NEEDS to do some chores, but I know that it is often harder to get her to do it than to do it yourself. Just relax on doing her stuff. Do yours and let her figure her own out.

    I am so sorry that things are so rough. I understand not liking your child. It is ok.
  20. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Heather, I have been thinking. While everyone says difficult child needs to do more and I am sure you agree, it would sure take a monumental effort on your part to get that done. It may take energy and strength that you just might not have right now, given your physical and emotional state. It is hard when you see your child taking advantage of you instead of helping you. Not fun at all.

    For now, maybe change one thing at a time, it will create less waves and be a little easier on you, and my concern is YOU, not difficult child. She is being a selfish turkey, and I am glad that therapist does not buy into her line of cr*p. It is also a shocker when you think she is doing better, but you find out that she really is not.

    You know what? Hands down you are a good mom, a great mom who has gone to battle for her daughter many many times and you do not deserve to be treated that way from her. I hope that you can just ignore her for awhile, and not take her comments to heart.