I think I may have reached my breaking point...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Oct 18, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    or really close to it.

    Talked to super today...of course, after they have the meeting of the Shari Communication Committee there at school. I asked her what, exactly, makes her think they will be able to handle Wee for a full day of exclusion from the other kids when they couldn't handle him to keep him out of 15 minutes of recess. She said since the sped teacher will be dealing with him, exclusively, it won't be a problem. Really? You think you can take a kid like Wee, that craves social interaction, and thrives on routine, and deny him all interaction while simultaneously completely uprooting his day, without an issue? And further expect him to "get" something productive from this??? What ever. He wont be serving in school suspension, if I just have to keep him home. They can call it out of school, i don't give a rat's patoot, but I'm not putting him in a doomed situation.

    We have 4 days til the new person starts. I don't know what her qualifications are. She supposedly has certification and training and isn't just another "$10 an hour employee" but they are hiring her as just another "$10 an hour employee".

    But, in talking to the super, I told her if the paras had been doing their job, Friday wouldn't have happened in the first place, she said I don't know that, that Wee will have meltdowns. I pointed out that last year, he was not restrained ONE TIME, and again, she said he will have meltdowns.

    We live in a very small town. I am certain half the town knows who the cops were called to school for. I went out for groceries and just felt the stares. It was all I coudl do not to cry.

    My son spent the weekend wishing he were dead. Today he told me he wished he were with grandpa, cause grandpa liked him. He just came in here and hugged me and told me he loved me and that he had just wished to God to be a better boy (his version of praying - he wishes to God).

    And I'm supposed to send him back to that place...that place that will escalate him, then blame him, and call the cops some more.

    And something good is to come from this??? What?

    I don't cry often, but I am absolutely defeated tonight.
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2010
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Shari}}} {{{Wee}}}

    I'll cry alongside you. Being a warrior mom is one thing but watching someone hurt your child is just plain painful. :crying:
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    (((Hugs))) tears dont' compromise your strength a good cry is def. needed sometimes. helps empty the cup and fill it back up again :)

    thinking of u and wee tonight.

    by the way i see your point on the suspension thing.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Shari...I am so, so sorry.

    I just hate it when our kids are hurting. Hugs to you both.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Shari - it is incredibly hard to advocate for our kids with special needs - not the advocating itself, but the carelessness and disregard of others for the well-being of your son. It is trial by fire, and it is draining.

    Sometimes the most important part of advocating is knowing when the focus needs to shift from "them" to "us". Self-care for you and Wee is most definitely in order.

    It is breaking my heart that Wee is wishing for God to make him a better boy. I just ache for him, and for you.

    Your rhino skin is thin right now. It will toughen back up, until the next time. It's a merry-go-round, hon.

    I wish I could tell you something that will fix it all. I can't. I can only say that I know that you will do the very best you can for Wee, you will find the right answer for this dilemma.

    Many many gentle hugs to you, and to Wee.
  6. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Something that helps me and on the rare occassion helps my difficult child:

    The real definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

    Might I suggest that the stress is more from school being difficult child-ish rather than the real difficulty of handling your actual difficult child? I don't pretend to have a solution for you because at this point it seems like no matter what you do in the short term it will disrupt difficult child. I find the fact that he is talking about Grandpa and God a little frightening. This school and it's admin is damaging his self esteem, he has problems but he is not a bad kid. It seems like you are in a battle of wills with a very stubborn, calloused school.

    You and difficult child have rights. Clearly, being civilized has gotten you nowhere. Will their handling of difficult child or their attitudes in general change after the new employee starts in 4 days?

    Sorry for forgetting but wasn't your sweet wee the one who got put in a closet last year? I would still be looking for blood and revenge after that...forget about everything else since then.:mad:
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Shari, my heart is aching for your Wee!!!! I would be raising holy heck with the school. Ugh, I am so so sorry.

    Are there any other schooling options? I have never been a big fan of homeschooling but maybe it is the best solution in certain situations? I assume you work full time, too, though. Wish I had some help I could offer. :(
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* We're in a small town, too, and I wish your town was a little more like this one. School is trying all kinds of ways to help kiddo, the difference being that mine both does and does not want to be around other kids. She wants to feel accepted (even though she alienates herself with her actions) but she would also rather work alone and in or out of school suspensions is what she wants, and leaves everyone at a loss of how to handle her. She craves daddy-like attention so calling police is also a rewarding thing for her because they'll sit and talk to her, giving her that attention, and I now have a list of at least one officer on every shift that I pretty much know on a first name basis that can deal with her. Luckily half the dept is already trained for C.I.D. (child intervention or some such) and the chief wants the entire dept trained. The unfortunate thing about small town life here is a general lack of doctors for her that are helpful. I've also just sat down and cried because I don't know how to help her, and she won't open up about things or help us help her.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    I'd be seriously looking at homeschooling at this point. Winning the war with the school sounds like it could cost Wee way too much.
  10. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Shari, I'm sorry. Hugs to you and Wee.
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm sorry that the school is being this way. I'm hoping that when the new para starts things will be a little better for both Wee and you.

  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, Shari. You're one of the strongest moms I know, but all of us have days when we feel like we just can't go on. Yet somehow, we do. I hope today is a better day for you.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Shari...I just feel so ...I cant even think of a good word...when I think of your situation with Wee and this school. They are ruining him. Its almost like it is what they set out to do. You hate to think that anyone would have that agenda but it almost feels like that is what it was from the beginning.

    I do know how you feel when Wee talks about wishing to God to go be with his Grandpa though. One day when Cory was about 11, he looked up at me when I was driving him to school and told me that if I could find a way that wouldnt hurt, I could kill him because he knew he was so much trouble with the school. It just broke my heart. How do you deal with that?
  14. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I'm sorry.

    I kind of hate to suggest this, because it is a huge undertaking but if there's any way you can do it, I think homeschooling might be a good option. Even if you can eventually make the school do what they need to do, I'm not sure you will ever be able to change their real attitude and that will show itself in other ways. Meanwhile, all the time spent trying to get them to do what they need to do is hurting Wee.

    I homeschool my younger daughter. I never wanted to be a homeschooling mom but it is what I have to do for her. I have always been a stay at home mom, though, so I did not have the complication of needing a job.
  15. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Poor Wee. Poor Mommy. I can't remember - there is no other school he could go to? Or private schools? That school and principal suck!
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    This is how we sort of fell into home schooling. Or correspondence, in our case. difficult child 3 was spending so much time at home, because at first he seemed to be really ill with something undefinable that gave him low-grade fevers and vomiting, plus I knew when he was unwell it made it a lot harder for him to hold it together and also every time I had my own medical appointments they were getting interrupted by phone calls from the school to come get him AGAIN. So increasingly, difficult child 3 was missing school. I was concerned by two main things:

    1) difficult child 3 needed to keep up academically, so I begged work off his teachers (it was never enough) and bought some cheap books and computer programs, plus educational DVDs, to keep difficult child 3 occupied with learning during school hours. I found he did a lot more in a day at home than he ever managed to do in a week of school.

    2) I didn't want difficult child 3 to associate being home during the day, with a holiday from school. I didn't want him 'rewarded' with a holiday. So we brought in the rule "School work during school hours."

    All of this of course was while we were fighting similar battles to you, and I was trying to keep difficult child 3 in mainstream school. We changed schools and the new school was so much better. But despite being as good as they were (they were everything you would want for Wee, Shari) we realised there was still a great deal missing that not even the best school could provide. By that stage difficult child 3 had spent so much time at home for various reasons, each time having some sort of material to work with because I was increasingly supplementing what the school gave me for him to work on, that to jump to a correspondence enrolment was a simple phone call and made very little difference to our lifestyle. In the end, it made my life easier, not more difficult. We were about to go away for two weeks' holiday and had already arranged it with the school - difficult child 3 would take photos and together we would help him record a daily diary of the places we went to and what it as about. All we had to do in the couple of days before we left, was organise for the diary to be sent to a different school (the correspondence school) for marking. The added bonus for us was the correspondence school had sent us some Maths worksheets for the two weeks, which kept difficult child 3 busy each morning over breakfast. As we drove around on that holiday, I realised that I was no longer stressing about school or what it would mean when we got back from holiday and we had to once more try to get difficult child 3 to class and stay there, without incident. I found life became a whole lot easier, but also difficult child 3 began to do a whole lot better socially as well as academically. School and the problems (plus watching other kids misbehave - as you said, Shari, other kids are throwing stones too) were no longer difficult child 3's world. I was on the spot and I was the one there to tell him, "I know that boy just threw a stone, but you know it was not a good thing to do, don't you?" and help him walk away. And as he realised he was safe, he relaxed and became a lot easier to handle.

    I know you have to work, but there are other options out there, is what I'm saying. And circumstances are forcing you in directions you should be free to choose and not be forced into.

    Time to lawyer up, hon. That advocate who wants to go for the jugular - I'm sorry, but I think it's time to let her have her head. The only concern I have there, is that she MUST follow through on what she starts. You do not want someone who starts a fight then walks away just as she's got their attention and hostility aim in your direction. You need a lawyer who will take this pro bono, because this is such a vital issue of basic human rights violation.

  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I just send a very long email to an outisde ed attorney.

    He was recommended by a guy that used to work for the same company that the advocates come from. I think he will be able to tell me what my best bet is.

    I don't want to homeschool, but its getting to the point that I need to seriously consider that, or allow myself to fail Wee in a drastic sort of way. Allowing this to continue, I believe, will ensure Wee's future will be filled with problems.

    We also just left Wee's BT. Wee also feels rejection from husband. She says its not a primary concern she has, but she has mentioned it before. Its time for husband to step up to the plate, also. He's in or he's out, but the position he's playing right now must be elminated.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good! The battle is the sd. The war is getting wee educated and as much help as possible for him to reach his potential and adjust as much as he possibly can to the real world. in my humble opinion, growing up year after year with the sd and his mother in a constant hostile battle will contribute to the problem a lot more than it helps it. (Remember, I'm only saying this with the benefit of hindsight about where I went wrong.)
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You are exactly right, and until this year, that battle was minimal. This year, there is blatant finger pointing coming from the principal. She's not even leaving it to the imagination, she brings it up frequently.

    In previous years, there has been a joint effort in at least coming up with solutions. This year, that is not the case.

    ANd yes, NOTHING good cam come of that.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That is so sad, about wishing to God. He does want to be good.
    This school has some serious issues.
    I'm glad you contacted an outside atty.
    Many hugs for you and Wee.