I think my entire life is insane

[DammitJanet]

Yesterday I had an early doctor's appointment for me. Well what I consider early. 10 am. Because of my really odd sleeping issues lately I ended up not even sleeping more than 2 hours Sunday night. The Super Bowl was on later of course and then I wanted to watch The Voice but I managed to actually fall asleep but something woke me up about 2 hours later and then I was up for the rest of the night. Just like now I am up. I think it was either dogs barking or my leg hurting. Anyway, I couldnt go back to sleep then I was afraid if I did, I would miss my appointment so I stayed awake. So I get home yesterday at about 11:30 or so and tell Buck and Billy that I havent had any sleep at all and I am going to take a nap. Deal with it.

Billy didnt have to work yesterday. Well at some point around noon, the power goes out. I have just fallen asleep and Billy comes in and wakes me up to inform me the power is out! Asks me what the number is to the electric company so he can call to inform them. I dont know. Im asleep! I tell him to look it up on his phone. Thats what we have smart phones for...lol. He tells me it must have knocked out the cell towers too because he cant get signal that way either. Oh well...I dont know then. Im sleeping...it will probably come back on.

Then later, about 3 pm, he comes in and asks me whats for dinner. Okay people...I have had what, 2 and a half hours of sleep here? Please...leave me alone! I just bought over a $180 of food on Saturday. We have food. He decides he is going to make this dish we make using leftover ham with pasta. Problem is he doesnt know how to make it. He asked me what the ingredients where but never came in to ask me how to make it. I barely remember him asking me the ingredients. If he had come in to ask me how to make it I would have told him. He didnt. I probably would have told him to let Buck make it.

He ruined the dish. It was awful. No one could eat it. You are supposed to take butter and saute chopped onions in the butter, then add a large box of chicken broth. Heat that up. Add two tablespoons of corn starch to that to thicken it. Then add ham. Heat. Boil bow tie pasta till done. When pasta is just about ready, add frozen baby peas so they are just cooked through.

I think billy just heated the ham and the baby peas together in chicken broth and poured it over the pasta. It was so nasty no one could even eat it. The pasta was all stuck together. No sauce whatsoever. Then Tony gets home and I get reamed out for the whole mess.

If Billy had actually simply asked me what we could have for dinner last night I would have told him hot dogs, baked beans and french fries. I actually wanted the ham to make lima beans.

I think I am going to have to make a cook book for these people. The other day, Buck ruined a meatloaf. How do you do that? He forgot the bread crumbs and the eggs.

And yesterday at my ortho, it didnt go well. I think I need a new one. I woke up this morning and I think they put a shot in one of my knees in the wrong place. I have never had it hurt this badly before. Its stiff and very painful. I was crying and had to have Tony help me up from the bed just to go to the bathroom. Lovely. I cant wait for this to be over. Nothing is going right in my life right now. Im waiting to hear back about the new therapist. From what I can tell, I would probably get in and just get started good and then get told my number of visits would have to be cut off. If that is what is going to go on, I can see no point.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

I am sorry it was such a rotten day. I think a cookbook would be an excellent idea. List the things that are pretty much foolproof and let them know that NOTHING else is to be prepared by Billy or Buck with-o your approval and direction. Let them know that if they make something and do NOT follow the directions, they THEY have to pony up the cash to replace the ingredients. And make them stick to it.

Why is Tony blaming you for what Billy and Buck do? Have you asked him in a calm time how he thinks you are supposed to control them? I am so sorry that you are so miserable.

It really sounds like you need to write out a list of house rules and then sit everyone down and tell them how it is going to be. You have to include the consequences too. Otherwise this is just going to keep getting worse.

What does the ortho tell you about your knee? Is a replacement possible? What can be done about the amt of pain you are in? Do you feel that you can keep your medications safe from Buck? I know you have the safe that is bolted down, but if Tony can get in, would Tony give him some of your medications? Buck seems to have a HUGE influence over Tony and I am worried about you.

Know that I am thinking of you, and hoping that things settle down soon. It sounds like an awful day. Maybe you should keep waking Billy up for a few nights (you are up anyway, aren't you?) so that he can get a clue that when you say "I need to sleep. Leave me alone.", he needs to leave you alone.

I KNOW you worked so hard to get over the old patterns of behavior that you used to have. But you are going to have to be creative to keep these men from running you ragged, being stupid and then blaming you for everything. Sadly, it always falls to us to make them behave halfway decently. I know Billy has diagnosis's, but he is fully capable of cooking and in my opinion did that because he doesn't want you to ever ask him to cook. He wants you to do all the work and is using creative incompetence to make having him do something be more of a problem for you than doing it for him. Do what you have to in order to get some sleep, then sit and amke a list of what you are able to do - that is what you can co with-o hurting yourself!! Then sit and make a list of consequences for doing it wrong. Paying for the wasted food and having to remake it is one. If you get a list of what you want the men to do, I am sure some of us can figure out ways to make doing these things wrong be more of a chore FOR THEM than they could make it for you.

I hope you can find a therapist to help you through this. You have so much on your plate. Have you started taking the pain medications the way they are prescribed? If nothing else those should help you sleep for a while.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Hound dog]

I dunno how Tony can justify reaming you over a meal that Billy ruined. That makes no sense.

If you have a lock on the bedroom door use it. If not, slide a butter knife in the door jam, works wonders for "locking" a door with no lock. Then no one can come in an kill a nap for ya.

Sorry about the knee. OUCH!

My week has stated off pretty crummy too. I got property tax papers saying I owe about a grand, only I'm paying it each month on the house payment so I have NO clue what I'm supposed to do with this bill, but I'll be damned if I'm paying it twice! I *think* it's sort of like a statement, as I vaguely recall going off on husband last year when one arrived and I was the one to open it. I hope that is the case, I can't afford to pay the darn thing. A bunch of other little things going on that are annoying as well. ugh

((hugs))

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh jeez Janet. Big hugs. I love the idea of a meal planner or cook book with a few simple meals made from ingredients you usually have in the house so that any one can throw a meal together. Excellent idea, something to do when sleep eludes you.

To me, it sounded like Billy realized he was bugging you so he went for it and it simply failed. It happens, I don't know that he was deliberately trying to squelch any plans you may have for him cooking in the future. The cookbook may help with that...and a family meeting to go over it and other simple rules of respect and consideration.

Have Tony install a locking doorknob on your bedroom if you don't already have one and make a 'Do Not Disturb' sign you can hang when you're napping. It may at least make them pause before waking you. Write something about emergencies only!

As you know, I can certainly relate to the knee pain. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Is it cortisone they're injecting or is the hyuraulic acid (sp)? I wish you could just get the new knees!

As always, you're in my daily thoughts.

 

[klmno]

I like the idea, too. You could even write it a bit at a time- plan the meals for the next few days for ingredients you already have, list the meals planned for each day and stick it on the fridge, write the recipe for those then next week do it again with a few different meals.

Sorry to hear about the ortho and lack of sleep- being without sleep and in pain doesn't make for a good day in the best of situations.

 

[muttmeister]

#1 - Buy a deadbold lock for your bedroom door and install it.
#2 These guys are all adults. If they want to eat, they can cook. If they don't want to cook, they don't need to eat. You are not their servant. Stand up and make that clear in no uncertain terms and if they don't like it, tough cookies.
#3 Your husband has no business yelling at you for something somebody else did. You need to make that clear and back it up.
#4 Don't give up on finding some decent doctors. It is sometimes hard but it is worth the effort.
#5 Do something nice for yourself and to he!! with the whole bunch of them. You deserve a good sleep and then a treat.

 

[susiestar]

Sleep idea - do you ever drink herbal tea? Celestial Seasonings makes a tea called Tension Tamer that we like. When I have a lot of insomnia I have found that this helps. It is relaxing and the herbs in it do seem to help me get better quality sleep. I don't let it steep for the whole 3 min, but it hasn't made a difference. You can add honey or sugar or sweetener to it. It is good hot or cold though I find hot more soothing at bedtime. We started using it with thank you when he was little and it made a real difference for him and still does.

One of the fibro boards I used to belong to had a LOT of people who recommended it. They also recommended Tazo's Calm tea. This one tastes like you are drinking boiled hay to me, but it also helps me get better quality sleep and it helps when I have one of those days where any/every thing stomps on my last nerve. Starbucks sells this in individual bags and by the box. So if you wanted to try it you could just get a cup at Starbucks to see if you like/can stand the taste. Just don't buy a box of it at Starbucks until you check the grocery store to see if they sell it. Here the same box costs more than double the price if you get it at Starbucks instead of the grocery or online.

I am well aware this won't solve all your sleep problems. Trying a few things that might help a little could be enough to help get you to a point where you could get decent sleep. That is the reason I am suggesting these things. When my insomnia is really bad I have often been able to use several small things to get to the point where my body can sleep - or where the sleep medications can work. If I am overloading you with ideas, just let me know and I will scale it back. Or ignore them.

(((((hugs))))) and gentle lullabies

 

[KTMom91]

What Mutt said. And adding more hugs.

 

[trinityroyal]

Janet, the others have already given great advice. I can't think of anything else to add except hugs. I'm sorry that your men are continuing to be insufferable. Please be good to yourself, and I think Lisa's advice about the butter knife in the door jamb is excellent. Without decent sleep, you can't possibly be expected to deal with any of this.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Trinity

 

[susiestar]

I saw a combination flashlight/stun gun online for pretty cheap yesterday. Maybe if you used that to enlighten your menfolk then you would be able to get a better night's sleep?

(I know, off to the corner again. At least now I know what kind of flashlight to keep in the corner....)

 

[DDD]

Most importantly I am sending caring hugs your way...this really has been a hard year for you, I know.
If you've never done so before I strongly second klmno's suggestions. Posting the menu on the refrig. door eliminates questions, prevents people from misappropriating food that is earmarked for a meal and limits family flak.

On days when you feel well (sadly I know they are limited) you might fix dinner in the morning like I now have to do. Once you get the hang of it (not easy for me, lol) it makes it possible to feed the troups quickly and easily. I often precook dinner while I drink coffee and read the paper before work. Billy or either of the guys can put it in the oven or on the stove and finish it off. Sending hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

I do think Billy is using somewhat Passive Aggressive techniques at this point with us. There is no way a person that has lived with us as long as he has could be so inept. We have actually given him a learning curve to make the allowances for figuring out that my mother basically never taught him anything but how to microwave stuff but he is 30 now..almost 31. My other two boys are pretty good cooks. Cory is an excellent cook. Tony is an excellent cook and Cory learned at his daddy's knee along with being in all those group homes where the kids were expected to rotate cooking chores.

So we have been working with Billy slowly since he really came back to us at age 20. He couldnt even follow the directions on Hamburger Helper. He would end up with mush. It is still a 50/50 chance with him on any pasta because he doesnt watch to see if he is over cooking or under cooking the pasta. Half the time it is a mushy mess. He will follow me around to figure out if it is cooked right. He cant simply taste a piece to see if it is the right consistency. I have no clue why. Seems a simple thing to me.

Billy can cook hot dogs...by boiling them in water or grilling them on the grill. If you tell him to put chicken in the oven all he does is take plain chicken breasts and stick them in the oven with no seasoning. Its horrible. He does the absolute least thing he can to get by with what you say.

We are really irritated right now with him too. He had told us for the past 6 months that when he got his taxes that he was going to look for a place to move out. Well, he found out that he wasnt going to get very much back so that ended that. Instead he bought a pretty nice camera and has decided he wants to learn to be a photographer. Sigh. He has also bought a magnetic sign for his car and business cards to advertise a computer repair business. So far I havent seen any customers. Billy is still waiting for this girl in Colorado to get divorced and move out here so they can be together. I am beginning to wonder if that is ever going to happen. The job I told him about, he never even attempted to get though supposedly he has applied with the hospital here in town. I think I am going to have Tony take him to apply for section 8 and housing here in town the next time he isnt working on a week day. Tony has been the one who has kept him pretty much tied to us all these years saying he is just not ready to leave so I think he needs to be the one who takes him to apply for these things. Billy is so proud of his credit scores and all that but he can have those things because he has no bills he has to pay.

As far as Buck goes, Billy did take him down to social services to apply for food stamps and medicaid. He will probably get food stamps for three months if he can actually get the paperwork turned in but I doubt he will. He is perfectly able to read and write but he is not filling anything out. I have no idea if someone is waiting for me to say "Oh Buck, I should fill out all those forms for you!" but if they are waiting on that, they are going to be waiting a long time because I am not doing anything for someone who is perfectly capable of doing something for themselves. Hell, Tony can read and write and he brought him here. He can fill them out for that matter. Buck already made a stupid move on going to the agency on the date that he went down there so he has messed up that. No one listened to me. I have suggested that I do the application for unemployment online in SC and that was met with dead silence so I am not suggesting it again. But Buck wants to go out and cut down tree limbs and make "indian crafts" and find a store that he can get beads so he can make "real indian jewelry" to sell. I pointed out that this isnt exactly real but I was met with just rolled eyes. He intends to attempt to find real bones and such to make all sorts of ****. Its hogwash. He doesnt need a hobby, he needs a real job. A hobby can wait until he has a real job and a place of his own.

In the meantime, Tony is falling apart physically almost before my eyes. I dont know how much longer he is going to last working. It scares the living heck out of both of us I think. Him most of all. Almost every week something else starts to hurt worse. His right arm is going numb constantly from the shoulder down. At first it hurt really bad but the pain pretty much is only bad when he has to lift something or he lays on it. Now it is numb if he keeps it in one position for more than a few minutes. That is pretty scary considering what he does. His back is going out now and he had a pretty bad back injury when he was younger on the job. His heels are killing him so I imagine he has heel spurs too now. I have no idea how he can get help for this because we dont have local clinics that can help him and he isnt eligible for medicaid at all. I dont think he will get disability either because he doesnt have any doctors to show his medical records because he has no insurance.

Sigh...this is just so much to go through right now. Tony and I just need to be us right now. We could probably handle our issues but having to support 2 more people on top of us just makes it more than we can do. Our jobs should be over now.

 

[cubsgirl]

Oh Janet, I don't know what to say but sending all the good juju I can to you.

 

[tiredmommy]

Too bad Billy and Buck couldn't be roommates together somewhere else.

 

[AnnieO]

Janet, I've been thinking about you a lot lately... I do think your life's nuts. No way should you get yelled at for something someone else messed up.

Unfortunately, locking the bedroom door doesn't help unless you can sleep through someone banging on it repeatedly - been there done that. A sign on it would be good. "I'm asleep. If the house isn't on fire, GO AWAY."

I wish I had better answers... I do have lots of

 

[DammitJanet]

Shutting my door keeps Buck out but has no effect on Billy and locking it doesnt work. I live in a mobile home and the door jam has been broken for a long time. It wasnt much even when new. It wouldnt have supported a deadbolt ever.

And now I just checked my cell phone bill and find out that Cory and Mandy have been doing 411 calls to get phone numbers. Those calls cost $1.99 per pop. I have told them they have google and all they need to do is google the the name and it will pull up the number and you can then just press that on the screen and it doesnt cost a dime. DONT USE 411. I am gonna have to get them to pay the amount they went over. I told them I will pay their regular amount but not this junk. They used $22 worth of 411 calls. Maybe that will make them think about calling 411.

 

[trinityroyal]

Goodness Janet, the cellphone bill alone would be enough to make my head explode, but on top of what you're already dealing with?

And I understand the passive-aggressive aspie thing. My difficult child does it too. Just the bare minimum that he's expected to do, or slightly less, hoping that he won't be asked to do it again, or someone will get tired of watching him make a mess of it and will do it for him. The only thing I've ever found that works with him when he's like that is to only answer questions with questions.

difficult child: "Mom, how do I cook pasta?"
Trinity: "Where's the cookbook I got you for your birthday. Isn't there a pasta recipe in there?"
difficult child: "I don't know mom, is there?"
Trinity: "I don't know difficult child. What do you need to do to find out?"
difficult child: "I guess I can check the cookbook. Where do I find the pasta recipes?"
Trinity: "I don't know difficult child. Where do you think you should look?"

And on and on and on. It's tedious as anything, but eventually he gets tired of asking me and will figure it out for himself rather than going through that rigmarole every single time. I'm not sure if that'll work with Billy, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh, I am so sorry about the ortho visit and the knee pain and bad shot. Owieee!

Sleep will help that. IF you can sleep.

Once you're well-rested, give Billy a cooking lesson. He'll have to learn sometime.

In the meantime, you get to sleep. And sleep.

Oh, just saw the 411 thing. I typed that 1-800 # into my cell phone but have forgotten to use it all wk. I had no idea 411 was so expensive!

The kids need to pay you back. Grrr.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Cooking lessons.
Per my Dad: (way back in the 19XXs)
Every young man, by the age of 18, must know how to:

- make coffee and tea
- cook eggs three ways (take your pick: fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, omlettes, pickled)
- make pancakes from scratch (not from a mix)
- cook ground beef 2 ways (take your pick: plain crumbled ground, meatballs, hamburgers, spaghetti sauce, etc.)
- steam veggies
- make a salad
- bake "something" - cookies, or a cake, or brownies, or... something "snack" or "desert".
- set a table
- wash dishes
- clean a stove
- clean an oven
- wash the floor

He was a first-class chauvinist. Really. But his reasoning was:
1) you'll be on your own for a few years before you get married, so you better be able to look after yourself, and
2) if you're lucky enough to get a wife who does all this FOR you, at least you'll have some clue as to the effort it takes, and appreciate it.

 

[Signorina]

Oh Janet - I am so so sorry that things are so rough right now. Seems to come in droves - for all of us. {{{hugs}}}

You know, I really like the idea of Billy and Buck getting a place together. Seems to make sense.

I think you need a meal calendar. I used to do that when my kids were young. I was so sick of making the same 8 or so dinners that I knew everyone would eat. And if I made something 1 of the kids didn't like, they would get all bent out of shape. So I set out the cookbooks and the sale flyer the night before I went to the grocery store, we sat down and everyone picked a entree for "their" night of the week. And one person had to pick something brand new from the cookbook. It worked pretty well - no one got bent out of shape because they knew that their own turn was coming up.

I think you could do that with the cooking. Decide as a group or you decide (or you and Tony) what you are making for the week. Write it on the calendar and divide up the cooking depending on your schedule. Hot dogs with fries and salad on Wed - Billy. Ground CHUCK hamburgers with cole slaw on Thursday - Buck. Venison Stew on Saturday - Tony. Etc. Then go to the store and get the ingredients. And if Billy or someone doesn't have a clue how to make it- write down the instructions.

Billy sounds like a lot of husbands I know. Including my own those first few years we were married. He'd offer to cook and then it was "where's this, do we have that, what's the difference between chop and dice? etc..." and he'd still manage to do something dumb like substitute horseradish sauce in water instead of chicken broth because he thought it would work - BARF

MEN