idea's on rules and punishments and chores

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Aliciav78, Jan 19, 2009.

  1. Aliciav78

    Aliciav78 New Member

    Idea's on rules
    I have a 10yo. I need to make him a list of rules and punishments and chores. I guess I have never had to do this before because I always thought he knew. Wow I am having a hard time with this.. my 10yo has a nasty temper and is VERY difiant. He does as he wishes most days or so he thinks.. So any idea;s for me???
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Alicia,
    I do not know your son's developmental age, but let's assume he's a lot like our kids, say, 2-3 yrs younger than his chronological age.
    Break chores down into bite-sized pieces.
    Don't just say, "Clean your room." It will overwhelm him and ensure a rage.
    Say, "Today we're going to clean your room. I will help you. That means I supervise."
    (For yrs, I told my son I'd supervise and he had no idea what I meant!)
    Pick up all dirty socks and put in laundry basket in your room (give him a basket)
    Pick up all dirty underwear and put in laundry basket in your room
    Pick up all dirty shirts (tshirts and collared shirts) " " "
    Pick up all dirty pants and shorts " "
    Take basket to laundry room

    Get the idea?

    I like to put my son's list in the kitchen and tape it to the cupboard. I used to put it on the microwave but he doesn't use it early in the day any more.

    Also, do not expect your son to do this willingly. You're going to have to reward him. Give him M&Ms or a magazine as a reward.

    We had to strip my son's room of everything but a mattress in order to get him to respect us. Not that he really does, but that he knows we mean business.
    I would suggest stripping your son's room when he's not home.

    Put everything in the garage under lock and key. He has to earn back everything.
    It will make it a heck of a lot easier for him to clean him room!

    Then you sit down and in a calm voice, explain that he is part of the family and must do family chores. Just like you cook his dinner, he can wash the dishes.

    Show him how, one by one. Don't be too picky or he will explode. Just a nice, "Thank you, I like it that you put the utensils in the dishwasher. I like it when the prongs are down rather than up. Could you do that next time?"

    Don't expect him to get it on the first run. Or the second. Good luck!
  3. lillians

    lillians lillians

    i agree ,, dont over whelm him,,and instant gratifcation as yu are working together..dont be picky just the motions,,are good at firsthave a bag of smarties in your pocket,, use them to your advantage,,
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is a thread in the archives about should read it. It is priceless
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good idea, Janet! No sense in reinventing the wheel. Wish I had thought of that.
  7. Janna

    Janna New Member

    We started out here with charts and rewards, too. I know alot of kids are resistant to that, but ours have always done well with them. All 3, not just the difficult child's of the house.

    The thing to remember about behavior modification, no matter what type you are getting into, is this - the behaviors didn't change to negative in a week, so you're not going to see miraculous positive changes in a week. If you have, say, a 10 year old that's been defiant for 5 years, you're not going to put a chart up and get perfection in 3 days. It may not take 5 years, but it may take 5 months. It's a work in progress, that's how I see it. It all boils down to consistency, sticking to the rules, and always giving the reward if it's earned.

    We started out (way back when) with the smaller things. Hygiene (brush teeth, shower) and the most problematic areas (i.e. homework, being kind, no disrespect). I would go to The Dollar Store and load up on toys, put them in a bucket, and hang a Dry Erase board on the wall, in clear view, in the busiest area of the house. They would earn a check or a + for fullfilling the expectation or an X or a - for not. If they earned so many checks or +'s, they were entitled to something out of the bucket.

    I tried to do this over a 5 day or week span, but honestly, a week is too long for a difficult child to wait for a reward when you first start this. So, we narrowed it down to every 2 or 3 days. Then, as they were getting into the jist of it, we could expand it to every 4 days or once a week. But, again - expanding it, it took time. So, I'd do every 2 or 3 days for a month, maybe, then go longer. If I noticed it was too hard for them to make it a week, I'd cut it back down.

    I've also had them, in the past, help me make charts with construction paper, stickers, markers, glitter glue whatever (all at The Dollar Store). They really enjoyed helping out and making decision as to what they could earn and what they thought was fair.

    But, you have to be prepared for if they don't make the expectations. With D, this initially caused rages and frustration. Have to stick to your guns, though. Over time, again, it got easier.

    Now we do a point system. I sort of stole it from the Partial D attends. They do it there - on an every 30 minute basis. I changed it around a bit to accomodate our household, and it works pretty good. Basically, they wake up with a certain amount of points, and earn points throughout the day. There is one list of household expectations, written on the Dry Erase board that must be followed. If you don't follow one of the expectations, you lose points. If you follow - you automatically earn so many points per 30 minutes. It's very, VERY difficult to keep up every 30 minutes, BUT - it keeps them earning if they do what they're supposed to. I can give you more info on this if you'd like it.

    The biggest thing about rules, rewards, consequences - consistency. This is always the hardest part. I know there were times D would do pretty well, but not make his target, and I'd feel bad and want to give in. But, you just cannot do that. The consequence for the action should be the same every time (i.e. you call your brother a bad name you lose XYZ, and it's always "you lose XYZ"). If you give in one time, just one, they know they've got ya. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say and be consistent.

    I'm at the point now with this new system of ours that I don't even speak. These kids know when they've done something wrong. I keep their point sheet on the dining room table where they can clearly see where they're at. If you're not at the right points, you can forget video games, you can forget watching TV, and no, you can't have this or that. If you can't follow expectations here, you don't have fun here. If you can't be respectful - you can sit in your room. If I have to drag you there, so be it. I don't get angry. I don't yell (I used to be a HUGE screamer). It is what it is. You follow the rules, or you don't, and you earn or you don't.

    I've decided I'm not going to put stress on my own heart, mind and body with the decisions my children make. I'll tell ya, I have two kids that have put me through the wringer, that are mentally unbalanced - call it whatever you want, Autism, Bipolar, ADHD, whatever. That doesn't make them retarded. I can understand and believe, to an extent, that some children don't "get it". But, I'm telling you that I have a child with every diagnosis under the sun, including Non Verbal Learning Disorder and Borderline Intellectual Functioning and Autism and ADHD and Mood Disorders and is very, very Asperger thinking that follows along. And, I believe that's because of the heavy behavioral modifications we have done here for the past 6 or 7 years of his life. And, although he has issues, and there are accomodations for that - he can listen. And, telling your parents off, not doing what you're told or being a jerk to everyone in the household isn't part of a disorder. That's not to say he doesn't "get it" sometimes. But we take the time to sit and explain, over and over and overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr LOL - until he does. If it takes 4 months, then so be it. But, he *will* learn. And when they're 18, they can get their own place and do whatever the heck they want.