My son is 26. He is adopted and I met him when he was 22 months old. He was the love of my life. He had been removed from the care of his birth parents at 2 weeks old...estranged from my family....I needed someone to love. Yes we had problems along the way, but it was mainly us against the world: to me, it was always the school's fault, not enough support. I did too much for him, I know, and didn't spend enough time insisting that he do chores or do them correctly. As a single mother I was too tired. There was always an excuse. But there was always so much love and that seemed to be enough until he hit 15 or 16. He became defiant and more moody and withdrawn. There was no serious trouble. But we were no longer pals. By 18 I was having to push him to do everything: go to college, work, job training. If I didn't push, he pretty much did not leave the house. So, I pushed. He completed a nurse's aid training and worked for a year. By that time we had learned he had been born with chronic hepatitis that had been undiagnosed and our struggles became especially intense because I cared so deeply that he follow through with treatment. Along the way, he had a brain injury. I hired a nurse to watch him after his discharge from the hospital, and within a few days he was riding a bike without a helmet. He left his job he says because he could not adjust to the graveyard shift he had volunteered to do. That was 3 and a half years ago. He had started gossiping about me to the neighbors and I was devastated by his disloyalty. We had little positive interaction between us. When he quit the job, I would not allow him to lay around the house. Eventually I kicked him out...and he went to a homeless shelter. For more than two years friends of ours in another city gave him a free place to stay, asking for nothing. He worked a little bit, but after he qualified for SSI for mental illness, he did not work at all. He sometimes says he is Bipolar, and other times denies having a mental illness at all. He goes from town to town, looking for places to live cheaply or free. He has been with us off and on the past few months. I kick him out when it gets too bad: he is disrespectful, filthy, lazy. He occupies his time reading about conspiracy theories on the internet or playing his drum. When I kicked him out last month, he slept under a bridge near my house. I cannot disengage. I say this because when I do not know where and how he is I am depressed to the point where I do not leave my bed. I feel as if all of my life has been lived poorly, and that any success I have had, and I have had a great deal of success, means nothing. I have lived with a very nice boyfriend for 5 plus years. I am happy with him. He is good to me and wants to help my son. I have a very gratifying career, when I work. But I cannot be happy unless my son is safe, secure and functioning. My son is not safe, secure or functioning. Clearly I cannot control what he chooses to do or how he chooses to live. So I am depressed to the point of not allowing myself to live at all. Last week I decided to enroll in online community college classes so that I could support him to study, to do something productive. He went through the motions but it took me 12 hours a day of pushing him to get him to write a one paragraph entry on the internet. I realized he was using "college" to hang out at my house where it is more comfortable, he can eat all through the night, use the computer, and con me. I blew up and he left the house. He cannot understand why I do not allow him to slough off for 3 days in my house and to just catch up and do all the work in an hour. I quit. I know he is a man. But, I cannot accept that he live as he does. I know he can choose to live as he wishes. But that he does not live as I need him to live causes me untold grief. That he does not protect his health grieves me to the point of illness. That he does not want more, feels unbearable. I do not know how to live, to go on living....with this situation. Thank you.