I'm a gramma!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Jan 4, 2008.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member


    Jess' boyfriend just called...she is two months along. He asked if I was angry...I said no, just needed some time to let it sink in and that I would call back on the weekend.

    I am so sad right now....she knew when she was here at xmas, when she had a drink before leaving, when she had a new year's party and was messed up on booze and pot....

    He said they were trying for the last two months, that they are adults now and will raise this child better than I did my own... :sad:

    I am stunned...honestly....stunned.....and fighting the urge to eat my way through the pantry.... :spaghetti: :spaghetti:

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yikes, Carolanne. What a jerk to say that! :grrr:

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so sorry. It will be hard to bite your tongue. But...try to. It's early yet. Maybe things won't be too bad. Sometimes having a baby can help a difficult child grow up---sometimes not but that is what cps is for. Be a grandma. At this point that is all you can do.
  4. jmama45

    jmama45 New Member

    Sorry I do not know who Jess' is, your daughter?

    I am a new GM at 41!! I had mine at 18 and my difficult child had his 14 weeks ago, at 22. Not married and the girlfriend already has a 6 yr old, she had him at 16! I was VERY sad because I knew difficult child was heading to a bad place and was no where near ready for a baby. I also had only met the girlfriend 2 times and didnt know anything about her except that she had a son, lived in housing and didnt work. I was a mess! Since difficult child kept his distance because he was at the time, hiding his addiction (we just found out about it in Dec)... it felt like I would never get to know the baby. I was so sad and cried for 9 months!!

    The good news is, since the baby was born, I got right in there. I would visit the most could. Came armed with formula, diapers and anything I thought they needed. His girlfriend saw I wanted to be around and also welcomed the help. I have to say, she has let me in and nutures my gm status :smile: I would call and check in and just formed a relationship of support for her. I told her this " my children had, still has, a gm that is the best women in the world. She spends one day a week at each grandchildrens house. That day us parents can go out, shop or sleep, whatever we want. Each family of parents LOVED this and so needed the day, once a week, to get things done or rest. I want to offer that to you, one day a week I will take, (in my case I said take, her place is small and not too ummm, clean) :frown: the baby and give you a day to yourself." So at 4 weeks old, I have her every Friday night overnight. Like right now she is here :smile: It has been wonderful for all of us. It is now a solid thing, Friday's are my days with the baby. I have everything here she needs. It's babyville here once again LOL!

    Everyone told me I would love the baby and forget the pain of those 9 months of worry. It was true. I had angonized over not being able to be the gm I wanted to be. But I am able to! I still have the worry of difficult child and his role as her dad. He loves this baby and he cant stand to be away from her. But he is in recovery and we can hope for the best. He is heart broken over missing a month of her life, her 1st xmas and new years. He misses her to death and I think he is really seeing the seriousness of his addiction. Maybe the baby will get the ball rolling in is recovery, starting for her, then for him... so far it looks like it will.

    I feel your pain and I so know where you are at. There are no words because we cant tell the future. BUt maybe you can make an offer like I did and then you'll be able to love her more!

    I too have a 14 yr old! It is so goof for her to see the reality of what it takes to have a baby. Right now she loves her here, but she sees wow it is soooo much work! I also work full time and worried about how I would have time to help them the way I wanted to, when I am still working and rasing my own family. It works out!

    Best wishes!

    p.s. regarding that comment. YIKES! I know my son is determined to not split with his girlfriend like I did his dad. But he is immature. I wonder if he would think that if he knew his dad abused me ONCE and that is when I left. They always think they know it all! Ha, they'll see won't they! he he he
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Don't worry too much about the drink at xmas or even the NY party. I did both with easy child and well, obviously it wasn't enough to hurt her. It's the constant habitual drinking that causes problems.
    I didn't necessarily take this as a jibe at you. Although I do see how it could be taken that way.

    Each generation normally tries to improve on the following generation. A parent normally strives for life to be better for their child than it was for them, and with the first child usually believes their parents didn't have a clue about what they were doing.

    This is fairly typical thinking. However, one doesn't usually speak it aloud.

    Parenting itself will ajust this attitude. Trust me. :smile:

    I'm sorry you're sad, although I do understand. But a baby is a blessing. And sometimes it's enough to turn a life around and head it down the right path.

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and support your way. DDD
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Gentle hugs.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending some more hugs and support.

    As a small consolation...I think I did most everything right based on what I didn't have growing up. My easy child informed me that I didn't push her enough and that when she has kiddos she plans on making them do EVERYthing I didn't. I asked what she meant and she said, "you know, ballet, dance, sports, gymnastics, piano, all that!" I laughed. BOTH my girls tried all sports available for girls, gymnastics, dance, piano, flute, guitar, voice, you name it - we tried it.

    Don't take his comment to heart - his perception is different from yours. hugs~
  9. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    Yikes, Carolanne. What a jerk to say that! :grrr:


    Not only a jerky thing to say but proof that they are NOT the adults they claim to be....

    {{{HUGS}}}} I know this is a shock but try to see the good in a beautiful little life that is a part of you and your family. This may be a blessing in disguise!
  10. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    I didn't even flinch when boyfriend took a jab at me verbally....I knew he was looking for a negative response and didn't even feel the urge to grab the bait.

    I'm not really angry, just disappointed that they see a child as a way of not having to graduate school or get a job....his email this morning left me scratching my head...he wrote they are adults and feel they can make it...the next paragraph he asked exactly what a baby needed.... :rofl: This from two adults who have it all figured out!

    I bit my tongue and sent back a list of basics that they should get over the next seven months....crib, carseat, buggy, sleepers...etc.etc.etc....

    Hubby won't allow me to aid in anyway which is good in a way as I would most likely dash out next week and max out the credit cards...

    But the suggestion of one day a week once baby is established in their home is a good one. I will help a little but not to the extent they seem to be hinting already....

    Thanks everyone...

    ps on top of the babytobe, they've adopted two cats...one male/one female and neither are fixed....ah joy....a new baby, several kittens and a dingy hole in the wall...what a way to start life
  11. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi carolanne~

    I must say you're taking this very well.

    My difficult child got herself pregnant at 17 - just after she graduated high school. I was absolutely undone with disappointment, anger, fear, etc.

    Ya know what? It turned out to be the best thing for her - ever. She grew up in a hurry. She is a wonderful, tender mother. As hard as it it - sometimes it turns out well.

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Even PCs tend to criticize parents before they have kids. I have taken lumps--don't take it personally. I wouldn't worry about the drinking because you can't undo it, but even one drink CAN cause fetal alcohol problems (learned about all that at a Fetal Alcohol Clinic in Chicago where I took my son for an evaluation). Try hard to encourage both her and boyfriend to cut out substance abuse until the baby is born--you may want to scare her by stressing how many problems the child can bring to her doorstep if she keeps playing the party game while pregnant. I'd scare her anyway I could.
    I'm sad for you. Obviously neither are prepared to be parents at all. But it's not YOUR problem. You can help the baby once she/he is born, but you can't stop your adult daughter and her boyfriend from making goofy decisions so let it rest. This wasn't your idea, you did nothing wrong.
    Hugs to you and I hope for a happy, healthy grandchild. The birth of a baby is a gift from God :wink:
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    So whaddaya got in the pantry? Anything chocolate? I'm out of moose poop and could use a good blast of carbs - this dieting is awful...

    I'll bring kleenex - and you get out the triscuits -

    Hugs and congratulations - I think you'll make a fantastic grandma.

    Don't worry about what the kids said - they're scared and at this point, just plain dumb and looking for something to say to make it right or justify their being scared. You know you were a good Mom.

    At least if your daughter has her head up her kiester she can say hello to the baby for you.

    Breath Grammy it will be okay!