imsotired77
New Member
I have a 13 (almost 14) year old son, who has left me completely exhausted. My son was in foster care from ages 4 1/2 to age 8. He was born to a 15 year old mother, and lived with her for the first several years of his life. She gave birth to another child at age 19 and that child tested positive for meth at birth and both my son and his brother were placed into family foster care (biological grandparents). At this time both a hair folical test and urine test came back positive for meth in my son as well. There was physical abuse and continued drug exposure in that home, and after a year the two boys were sent to live with the youngest's biological father. In that home my son was sexually abused by a babysitter, and he was placed into a nonfamilial foster home after a year. While there was no physical or sexual abuse in that home, I feel that there was some emotional abuse, as food was very restricted, and simple things like going to a movie were almost unattainable rewards. I met my son while he was in this home, and he came to me shortly after his eighth birthday.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD before coming to live with me. It took about 8/9 months to find a medication combination that allowed him to "behave" in school well enough to not get kicked out, yet didn't make him a zombie. During the search for the right medication he was also diagnosed with BiPolar (BP). Since the age of 4 he has been in counseling, and at age 10 the counselor diagnosed him with CD as well.
Things have continued to deteriorate. I am a single mother and have already raised one child, who was a straight A student (taking all honors courses), was extremely popular in school, and is attending college on an athletic/academic scholarship. I have tried all the same parenting methods with my son. When those didn't work, I researched, spoke to counselors, etc and tried new methods. I explain to him very honestly why I make the decisions I do, and what the consequences for not following the rules will be.
While my son has always had trouble making friends, and staying out of fights at school, the past two years have gotten progressively worse. He is considered gifted in the intelligence aspect, and seems to use that intelligence to see what he can get away with. He has been in fights at school (that normally result in him getting beat up because he's small for his age). He has become what I consider hypersexual... he was suspended for hacking the school computer system to view pornography, and had begun masturbating in front of people and in inappropriate settings (examples: during one family evening watching television I look over and he was masturbating in the livingroom, and on another occassion I came home from work early to find him naked and in my bedroom). I have explained time and time again that while masturbation is a normal/healthy thing you need to do it in the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom, and not at inappropriate times (he would excuse himself from the dinner table to go to his room, masturbate, and then come back to the table to finish dinner).
He is also abusive towards animals. We had to rehome one of our dogs because my son had started tossing it at his bedroom door (he said he liked the sound). I have seen him attempt to drop things on our cat, and attempt to hurt other animals when he thinks no one is looking. He has taken this beyond animals and my daughter had to have plastic surgery after he took a glass and smashed it on her mouth while she was lying down and it took a chunk out of her lip.
He has also begun stealing, basically all the time. He has stolen money, electronics, toys, etc from my parents and friends. Many of the people in our support system will no longer allow him in their homes unless I'm present and within 10 feet of him at all times. Last year he began sneaking additional video game time, had crashed two laptops (not his)viewing pornography. I locked all of his electronics (video games, ipod, etc) in a lockbox and he was supposed to ask permission for his 1 hour of electronics a day, and I'd unlock the box. He stole another PSP, and then stole my debit card and charged several downloads. I didn't realize it was him, and reported the card as being stolen, changed all my banking passwords and got another debit card. Within two weeks that one also had several unauthorized transactions. I repeated the process and this time had to cancel a vacation because the money I had saved for that was frozen in my account while the bank and I tried to figure out how I was being "hacked". He overheard me telling someone that the bank was pressing charges and that each transaction would be a felony forgery. At that point he fessed up that he had used my debit card once or twice. I got his username and password and found that he was actually responsible for both series of incidents and the thefts totalled over $500. Since then he has also stolen over $300 in cash from my hospitalized father, two ipads from my mother, a ring from my sister, and an unknown amount of cash and heirlooms from his sister and I. He also has started shoplifting, although he has never been caught by store security. I took him to the police department to try and press charges for the thefts and hopefully "scare him straight", but the police seemed to find it funny, and said he was too young to do anything. I have taken my purse everywhere with me since the debit card incident, and locked up everything I can think of, but he continues to find ways around that, hence the stealing of the heirloom coins.
I am simply exhausted. My son is a very smart, sweet kid when he wants to be. I can't begin to tell you the number of times a stranger has complimented me on his manners, or for him holding the door. Yet he doesn't have an ounce of empathy. When my dad was first hospitalized they said he may not live through the day. I was crying and my son asked "what's that have to do with me?" I have tried every type of punishment possible... He has been grounded, he has written sentences, he has written essays, he has had extra chores, I've had him read books about similar issues as what he is in trouble for and write a report, I've taken away his privliges, I've spanked him, I've given him rewards for the smallest positive behavior, I've put him in activities (Boy Scouts, self-defense, basketball, soccer, baseball, tennis, dance, theatre, science enrichment) that he's expressed interest in, hoping that if he's busy he can't get in trouble or won't want to. Nothing has worked, and I'm so exhausted trying to help him be a successful, productive member of society. People have told me to "give him back" and that just makes it worse. He's my son, not a defective item of clothing I can return to the store because it didn't work out. I just don't know what to do. I no longer feel safe in my own home and I know that we can't continue to live like this, but if I just "give up" and let him do whatever he wants and let the law handle it when he's caught that he'll be hurt or killed, or that he'll be in prison for the rest of his life.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD before coming to live with me. It took about 8/9 months to find a medication combination that allowed him to "behave" in school well enough to not get kicked out, yet didn't make him a zombie. During the search for the right medication he was also diagnosed with BiPolar (BP). Since the age of 4 he has been in counseling, and at age 10 the counselor diagnosed him with CD as well.
Things have continued to deteriorate. I am a single mother and have already raised one child, who was a straight A student (taking all honors courses), was extremely popular in school, and is attending college on an athletic/academic scholarship. I have tried all the same parenting methods with my son. When those didn't work, I researched, spoke to counselors, etc and tried new methods. I explain to him very honestly why I make the decisions I do, and what the consequences for not following the rules will be.
While my son has always had trouble making friends, and staying out of fights at school, the past two years have gotten progressively worse. He is considered gifted in the intelligence aspect, and seems to use that intelligence to see what he can get away with. He has been in fights at school (that normally result in him getting beat up because he's small for his age). He has become what I consider hypersexual... he was suspended for hacking the school computer system to view pornography, and had begun masturbating in front of people and in inappropriate settings (examples: during one family evening watching television I look over and he was masturbating in the livingroom, and on another occassion I came home from work early to find him naked and in my bedroom). I have explained time and time again that while masturbation is a normal/healthy thing you need to do it in the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom, and not at inappropriate times (he would excuse himself from the dinner table to go to his room, masturbate, and then come back to the table to finish dinner).
He is also abusive towards animals. We had to rehome one of our dogs because my son had started tossing it at his bedroom door (he said he liked the sound). I have seen him attempt to drop things on our cat, and attempt to hurt other animals when he thinks no one is looking. He has taken this beyond animals and my daughter had to have plastic surgery after he took a glass and smashed it on her mouth while she was lying down and it took a chunk out of her lip.
He has also begun stealing, basically all the time. He has stolen money, electronics, toys, etc from my parents and friends. Many of the people in our support system will no longer allow him in their homes unless I'm present and within 10 feet of him at all times. Last year he began sneaking additional video game time, had crashed two laptops (not his)viewing pornography. I locked all of his electronics (video games, ipod, etc) in a lockbox and he was supposed to ask permission for his 1 hour of electronics a day, and I'd unlock the box. He stole another PSP, and then stole my debit card and charged several downloads. I didn't realize it was him, and reported the card as being stolen, changed all my banking passwords and got another debit card. Within two weeks that one also had several unauthorized transactions. I repeated the process and this time had to cancel a vacation because the money I had saved for that was frozen in my account while the bank and I tried to figure out how I was being "hacked". He overheard me telling someone that the bank was pressing charges and that each transaction would be a felony forgery. At that point he fessed up that he had used my debit card once or twice. I got his username and password and found that he was actually responsible for both series of incidents and the thefts totalled over $500. Since then he has also stolen over $300 in cash from my hospitalized father, two ipads from my mother, a ring from my sister, and an unknown amount of cash and heirlooms from his sister and I. He also has started shoplifting, although he has never been caught by store security. I took him to the police department to try and press charges for the thefts and hopefully "scare him straight", but the police seemed to find it funny, and said he was too young to do anything. I have taken my purse everywhere with me since the debit card incident, and locked up everything I can think of, but he continues to find ways around that, hence the stealing of the heirloom coins.
I am simply exhausted. My son is a very smart, sweet kid when he wants to be. I can't begin to tell you the number of times a stranger has complimented me on his manners, or for him holding the door. Yet he doesn't have an ounce of empathy. When my dad was first hospitalized they said he may not live through the day. I was crying and my son asked "what's that have to do with me?" I have tried every type of punishment possible... He has been grounded, he has written sentences, he has written essays, he has had extra chores, I've had him read books about similar issues as what he is in trouble for and write a report, I've taken away his privliges, I've spanked him, I've given him rewards for the smallest positive behavior, I've put him in activities (Boy Scouts, self-defense, basketball, soccer, baseball, tennis, dance, theatre, science enrichment) that he's expressed interest in, hoping that if he's busy he can't get in trouble or won't want to. Nothing has worked, and I'm so exhausted trying to help him be a successful, productive member of society. People have told me to "give him back" and that just makes it worse. He's my son, not a defective item of clothing I can return to the store because it didn't work out. I just don't know what to do. I no longer feel safe in my own home and I know that we can't continue to live like this, but if I just "give up" and let him do whatever he wants and let the law handle it when he's caught that he'll be hurt or killed, or that he'll be in prison for the rest of his life.
