Shari, and others - long before i knew I had difficult children I was a working mum. I was very fortunate to have my kids in a child care centre literally five minutes' walk from my job. I would use my break time (morning tea and lunch) to breastfeed them when infants, after a few months it was only lunchtimes. I made a careful note of any time I took and also noted my co-workers' times (they were all male). I made sure I was doing above and beyond my male colleagues as far as possible and made myself as useful as possible, well above and beyond my male colleagues. This became a problem, because it turned out that one of my co-workers was a sociopath. He did his best to undermine my and damage my reputation. he nearly succeeded. I stayed the course only by being too useful.
But yes, there were often times when my boss (who played golf on the weekends with the sociopath) would tackle me for taking too much time out of the working day. I politely stood up to him and showed him my private check-in/check-out time sheet I'd been keeping in a locked drawer.
When my child had rubella, I had to stay home with him. I tried to take the time off as sick leave but my boss said, "No, you're not the one who's sick." I knew of many times that Sociopath had taken a 'sickie' to watch a golf tournament, but because he has NOT given advance notice (to help us plan for his absence) he got away with it. I HAD told my boss I would not be in so he could organise the staff, and was being penalised for this consideration. The boss wanted me to take annual leave ("recreation" leave) but I objected, because it most definitely was not recreation.
So I went over his head. I took a risk, but rang staff admin, who told me that there WAS provision for parents taking leave for a sick child - it was called "compassionate leave" and there were a certain number of days and conditions for the entitlement, They thanked me for my honesty and approved the leave. I was only off for one day; husband took the day off from HIS work the next day then we had the weekend.
My boss was sarcastic about how I was determined to take every kind of leave possible on the leave sheet, but I had won. I had to constantly watch my back, but I had to do that anyway, thanks to sociopath.
But the few times they tried to downrate my efforts because I was a working mother - I did not stand for it. I was always polite about it and backed it up with hard evidence, but they learned to stop that nonsense and let me get on with my job. It was darned hard at times and the sexual harassment and other harassment was constant. We had a ridiculously high level of turnover of female staff. Sociopath would try to bed any female young enough. Even me. When he got rebuffed by me I was labelled round the department as a lesbian. I didn't care - it meant the men left me alone. They sure got a shock when I fell pregnant! (and yes, I WAS married, but somehow that had explained all that).
I had survived by becoming an honorary male, which is difficult to do when you're breastfeeding.
But the point is - you politely stand your ground if you're being treated extremely unjustly. Ask for things in writing (including statements such as "you're taking too much time off for your children" when you know you're not; statements alleging your productivity is down, when you know it isn't). If you can't get what you want in writing, you reply in writing, in your defence, gently. List dates, times, places, facts. No emotion. Point out your loyalty and your usefulness, your skills and your value to the company.
Then if you cannot agree, leave. Keep copies of all your letters and if your past boss 'nobbles' your future chances, use these letters to justify yourself.
At the risk of sounding sexist, you have to behave like an efficient, male, Managing Director. DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE A MOTHER. Or, like THEIR perception of a mother - weak, malleable, adaptable and all-forgiving. That's how they get away with this appalling behaviour.
Despite his rampant sexism, I quite liked my boss. I know he valued me, once he saw past Sociopath.
Interestingly, Sociopath went on to annoy one too many important people. He forgot himself and got into a lot of hot water, was discovered and put in an impossible situation. I almost felt sorry for him as he walked out the door for the last time.
Marg
. Hang in there.
