im i wrong

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, May 13, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    My son called and complained how scared he was in this new prison, and i say well the people you robbed were scared. And complains about guards not getting his paperwirk or his phone call that was scheduled, and i say well, there not your assistants and he says i called to talk and you say that stuff. So im guessing he wants me to comfort him but i cant. Am i wrong to say that stuff, cuz if i keep saying things to get it in his head we will prolly argue alot. Or i will say, well you knew what prison was like from the first time. After i say those things i feel bad , that im kicking a dog when hes down. and then think he needs to hear it.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Im up because I just got home from work.

    This is my take.

    Your son is not down. He robbed somebody. I dont know the details...pointing a gun, assaulting them, etc, but they are the victims, not your son. And he isnt down because of bad luck or ill health, which he has no control over. He is in prison for his own behavior. Has he cried real tears for his victims?

    in my opinion you talk to your son too often and expect too much from him. I dont think you said anything wrong, however i think its a waste of time. If he were listening to your wise words, he wouldnt have done things that landed him in prison twice. My advice, which can be taken or left, is not to talk to him so often and not to believe you can affect his behavior or thinking by what you say. When you talk to him just agreeing and saying "thats tough" etc. and getting off fast would probably frustrate you less. You also dont need to talk to him so often. By constantly acceptng his calls, you keep this man child in your head 24/7. There is more to your life than your son who cant seem to chose to be a law abiding adult. You have other people, your hobbies, the things you love to do etc.

    If you feel guilty, he is a prime time manipulator. Nobody brought him down but himself and his indefensible victimization of strangers who never harmed him. And he wants sympathy?

    Look, i know you still love him, and of course you do, but right now he is not a good man and you dont owe him comfort. Comfort hasnt helped him. Time in my opinion to think about what Teri needs and stop letting ypur son rent a free room in your mind. There is nothing you can do for your son, only for yourself.

    Have a nice night. You did nothing wrong.
     
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  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I totally agree with SWOT. Time to get some space between yourself and your son. It will help you to move on and living the life you need. His actions are the reasons why he is in jail and nothing more and nothing less. You have done nothing wrong, but you do need to make some changes in how you view him and get out of the FOG! Hugs!
     
  4. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Try practicing detachment. Instead of saying "you're victims were scared" say "that must be tough but I'm sure you'll get through it. Oh time for my Tai Chi class, gotta run. Talk to you again next week, same time. Have a great week. Click."

    Then go on and live your well earned, non-incarcerated life. You're not going to get him to reform or do anything else by making snarky comments, and it makes you feel bad, so why do it? Like SWOT said, limit his calls and if he gets negative or tries to manipulate you, end the call. He's the one in jail because of his wrong-doings, not you. You shouldn't be the one feeling guilty.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    FOG is fear, obligation and guilt.

    Look, we make choices too :) We choose to wallow in misery or be happy. If we absolutely can not be happy it could be because we have slipped into clinical depression and, in the spirit of taking care of ourselves, should in my opinion seek treatment. If we are not suffering from depression, then, like our adult sons amd daughters, we are choosing sadness and despair. Yes, sometimes its hard not to remember that we are not them and that being happy is not betraying them. Some may think its impossible to be happy. This is how our adult kids think. Do we want to send them the message that because something is hard it cant be done?

    Some people suffer their whole lives over another person and we all know here that we cant control or change another person. You know this.

    Let go. Love him, but let go. This is his problem, his path, not yours. Talk to him once a week. Its costly, collect calls. If he wanted free access to you he could have made other life choices. It is your choice or not to let him take you with him as he slides down the abyss. We have choices too.

    With many blessings, I send this.
     
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    Last edited: May 14, 2017
  6. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    You are not wrong at all to say what you do. The days of bottle-feeding him, changing his diapers, and babying him are over. Sugar-coating your responses to meet his needs isn't healthy in my opinion. You say it like it is and it's time he accepted it.
     
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  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Teriobe

    I agree one million percent with the other wise words here.

    Back way way off. Limit calls. Limit contact. Limit thoughts.

    Be good to yourself. Focus on your OWN happiness.

    You deserve it. Life is short. He is responsible for his own life, not you.
     
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  8. Well, there you have it....the general consensus is that you are not wrong. I take comfort in reading the replies myself as I have been there, done that and realize that my son did this to me similarly when in jail....he failed to accept responsibility for his actions. He blamed and complained and I anguished and worried and feared for him. Bottom line....there was nothing I could do whether I chose to side with him or not. Jail is not a very nice place....anywhere. Based on what I know, it was horrible. But.....he was there, Not ME. He's out now and on the street and I am still anguishing but.....differently. I actually would rather him on the street than in jail. The magic word here is DETACH as I thanked SWOT for earlier. The more you do so, the better your life will be. You will always be their mom and love them as such but....let them be adults and let them make their lives what they want even if that means....living them as they have made them. The best you can hope for is that he will be better for it all during the rest of his life :) Hugs and Prayers for you!
     
  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I agree with all of the opinions on here. It is so hard to detach, i understand, I am struggling myself. I make massive text 'goodbyes' and 'come back when you are ready to change' statements but yet get drawn into his replies every time! I feel the need to remind him why he is in this situation and what he needs to do to change it, yet two years on we are still here! Maybe, step back a little and try to enjoy the peace that at least he has a roof over his head and you know where he is for a while. Maybe if he hates it that much he won't be in such a hurry to go back next time. xx
     
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  10. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    My son was in jail for one lousy night last night and came back saying how horrible it was and some woman died and was sent off in a body bag. I can't find anything to prove that. I don't know what he wanted me to say, he's the one that put himself in that position. I guess luckily for me, I can never get a word in edgewise between my son and my husband, so I get to keep all my thoughts to myself. But I think I would say the same kinds of things if I was the one conversing with him. I guess that's why I'm not.
    I did write him one of those big long texts. I was trying to explain how we were so worried about him when he disappeared but he just wanted to know how I found out and where his mugshot was on the internet, etc etc. He's still caught up in the business and trying to cover his tracks.
    Well, I don't have any advice but hugs and I know how you feel!
     
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  11. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Thanks everyone. Im going on 2wk vacation to ohio to hang out with my bff. Cant wait for all the jibber jabber nights!
     
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