(I'm New) and I don't want to be around my child anymore
- Thread starter vmc123
- Start date
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Oh dear. Rookie mistake. You never give everything back all at once. been there done that.
You give one thing back that is easy to take away again and if possible you give it back for a set amount of time. And you tie it to something that the kid is at least 50-75% likely to be able to do. Otherwise you end up with just what you've got - he figures it's impossible so why bother to fight his impulse to do something he is pretty sure you won't want him to do and that will lose him the priviledge.
Absolutely. I agree.
You give one thing back that is easy to take away again and if possible you give it back for a set amount of time. And you tie it to something that the kid is at least 50-75% likely to be able to do. Otherwise you end up with just what you've got - he figures it's impossible so why bother to fight his impulse to do something he is pretty sure you won't want him to do and that will lose him the priviledge.
Absolutely. I agree.
formysparkles
New Member
Im also new here. Im trying to get the signature down but not sure what a difficult child or easy child is? any help and Ill get mine set up.thx
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
I agree with the not giving everything back at once.
I've also started really working on natural consequences. This weekend was great for that. Jett was told that if he continued to leave the light on when he left the computer room, he would lose electricity privileges for that room (vague). Next time, he was told "the next time you leave the light on"... And what do you know, an hour later? I turned off the computer, turned off the light, and locked the computer room door. He runs down there - and WHAM. No entrance. I told him he had lost his electricity privileges. (Snicker... It worked!)
Onyxx, yesterday - got nasty with husband when he asked her what kind of soda she wanted. He warned her about her attitude. Then she threw a FIT in public because we were leaving. husband calmly relieved her of cell phone and mp3 player and told her when she began listening, she would get the mp3 player, and when she learned to talk to people respectfully, she would get the cell phone. (If I had tried that? I'd be black and blue.)
I mention these two incidents because I've learned that if the consequences follow the infractions - they work better AND are easier to enforce. But, that being said - your son needs to earn things back, but at the beginning, you have to find a way to reward - an hour of good behavior. A day. A week. because 3 days just might be too long for him, to begin with.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know how you feel...
Oh yeah - homework? Is busy work. Almost all of the time, it's just another way to promote rote repetition. I'd discuss this with the school - at least temporarily declaring a moratorium.
I've also started really working on natural consequences. This weekend was great for that. Jett was told that if he continued to leave the light on when he left the computer room, he would lose electricity privileges for that room (vague). Next time, he was told "the next time you leave the light on"... And what do you know, an hour later? I turned off the computer, turned off the light, and locked the computer room door. He runs down there - and WHAM. No entrance. I told him he had lost his electricity privileges. (Snicker... It worked!)
Onyxx, yesterday - got nasty with husband when he asked her what kind of soda she wanted. He warned her about her attitude. Then she threw a FIT in public because we were leaving. husband calmly relieved her of cell phone and mp3 player and told her when she began listening, she would get the mp3 player, and when she learned to talk to people respectfully, she would get the cell phone. (If I had tried that? I'd be black and blue.)
I mention these two incidents because I've learned that if the consequences follow the infractions - they work better AND are easier to enforce. But, that being said - your son needs to earn things back, but at the beginning, you have to find a way to reward - an hour of good behavior. A day. A week. because 3 days just might be too long for him, to begin with.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know how you feel...
Oh yeah - homework? Is busy work. Almost all of the time, it's just another way to promote rote repetition. I'd discuss this with the school - at least temporarily declaring a moratorium.
Star*
call 911........call 911
Well -
First of all let me start by saying - my son is 20 - and not arguably has one of the worst recorded behavior records anywhere. We had him in therapy for 15 years. FIFTEEN. Once a week - EVERY week - whether he WANTED to go, whether he PARTICIPATED or not, WHETHER he thought he was getting something out of it or whether the shrink MAYBE was just a little bit smarter than my 8,9,10,11,12 year old child.
See for us? What a LOT of people fail to realize is - your child is diagnosed with what? Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Conduct Disorder? Yeah - so WHAT is/are a few of those symptoms? (laughing a bit here) ABILITY TO SIT IN THERAPY AND PARTICIPATE? WILLINGNESS TO GET ALONG WITH A PERSON OF AUTHORITY (psychiatrist) WHO IS TELLING HIM WHAT? HOW TO BEHAVE? OMG - you may as well sit in him a jail cell once a week for 10 years @45 minutes and let a cop tell him how to behave or maybe a teacher/principal or some other AUTHORATIVE figure - that they DEFY?! So once you realize that therapy even for NORMAL behaved children isn't always 100% seemingly practical - it makes a little bit better sense to YOU when you realize that what you are doing now is basically downloading the Ipod - and waiting for your kid to go "Ohhhhh I think that's stored in my data bank, I shall use this information for good, not evil....." and eventually? You see them starting to use some of the skills they learned - but (AND THIS WAS MY OMG MOMENT) -it has to be THEIR idea. (how ridiculous and self-centered is THAT?) -sounds just like a difficult child isn't it - damned near self-diagnoses. (slaps head over and over because my 20 year old is JUST now putting things into motion that he learned all those years ago in STUPID STUPID, waste of my time, I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU DR. H..EVER." therapy.
(Yeah gotta let Dr. H know about "Muhamad Ali" walking away from a confrontation the other night because he remembered something about wasn't it better that HE was free and that idiot walked around angry? (therapy technique but still - nearly a boomerang effect)
So somedays our therapist played checkers with him - somedays he just talked and Dude pretended to sleep. At some point we hit a wall and if your therapist is worth a salt? He'll KNOW if he's helping your son or not - NOT just "Well I can't do anything with this kid. I'm clueless." Ours suggested several alternatives - one being this VERY old, VERY (OMG I wouldn't have even been comfy talking to this dinosaur) man and we went to see him as the NEW therapist - and well whattya know - bingo bango - there was a little chatter next week. lol (wink nod) I'm not too sure it wasn't a set up with both PhD's. (for both of us) lol
If it's absolutely not working? FIND SOMEONE ELSE - but keep going. Get him in the habit of knowing he needs something - to talk to someone - that this is NORMAL to be okay to get out some emotions...and that you don't mind going too. I loved it.
As far as the reading and communicating? Talk to a therapist about courses in effective communication, do a google search - there's a good book out called How to talk to your teen so he will listen and how to listen so your teen will talk. DO NOT let the kid know you are reading this. Just get it - do the workbook pages inthe book and do a chapter a week.
Find ANY parenting classes you can - find a local chapter of NAMI - and GO....they have resources.
Don't assume that it's just the kid...don't think you are broken either. It's just new mechanics - and you have to catch up. It's like I tell my Mom - Well - If YOU gave birth to a Bengal Tiger would you know how to raise it? Noooooooo So you'd have to go to classes and read and talk to others that raised one? See what they like, need etc? Right - Not much different. You can't raise a difficult child like every other kid. You can't raise every other kid like every other kid - but you know that - they're all different. difficult child's are unique and quirky - and you are lucky enough and tough enough to do this. You just have to find out how to parent him in a unique way - and stop thinking that the way YOU were raised is going to transcend to this kid. If you don't? You are both going to continue to be miserable and you WILL continue to not like each other at all. Not like will grow to hate and that will grow to be something worse. No one really wants that. If you did? You wouldn't be seeking answers here.
They may not be the answers you hoped to find. God knows I figured I'd come here 10 years ago and for all the medications we tried I was SURE our docs just hadn't heard of the RIGHT one - the people here would just laugh and say OH star ------you should be trying VITAMETAVEGAMIN - and *POOF* I'd go back to my doctor ask for that, get a prescription, give it to my son, he'd take it? He'd turn back into a normal child, I'd parent him just like I was parented by my mom and dad - and life would be heaven.
And then ------life happened - and it wasn't anything like that a'tall. And I stay here - trying to help and offer a bit of advice for those that will take it - and hope. Because we're no where near done with our story. Our amusement park just keeps buying property......wheeeee.
Hugs!
Star
Oh and as far as him saying "I'm not going?" You get a therapist too - One for you, one for the family and one for him - and ask YOUR therapist how he thinks is best. We picked our kid up and put him in the car until he was too big, and then we just started stripping his room and privledges and when I say strip? I mean - ZIP.
And .....our "secret" reward was just us - me, him and DF and he got to pick the restaurant we went to before we hit the shrink - every week. His choice if he had participated and got in the car - didn't have to talk - just had to go.
First of all let me start by saying - my son is 20 - and not arguably has one of the worst recorded behavior records anywhere. We had him in therapy for 15 years. FIFTEEN. Once a week - EVERY week - whether he WANTED to go, whether he PARTICIPATED or not, WHETHER he thought he was getting something out of it or whether the shrink MAYBE was just a little bit smarter than my 8,9,10,11,12 year old child.
See for us? What a LOT of people fail to realize is - your child is diagnosed with what? Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Conduct Disorder? Yeah - so WHAT is/are a few of those symptoms? (laughing a bit here) ABILITY TO SIT IN THERAPY AND PARTICIPATE? WILLINGNESS TO GET ALONG WITH A PERSON OF AUTHORITY (psychiatrist) WHO IS TELLING HIM WHAT? HOW TO BEHAVE? OMG - you may as well sit in him a jail cell once a week for 10 years @45 minutes and let a cop tell him how to behave or maybe a teacher/principal or some other AUTHORATIVE figure - that they DEFY?! So once you realize that therapy even for NORMAL behaved children isn't always 100% seemingly practical - it makes a little bit better sense to YOU when you realize that what you are doing now is basically downloading the Ipod - and waiting for your kid to go "Ohhhhh I think that's stored in my data bank, I shall use this information for good, not evil....." and eventually? You see them starting to use some of the skills they learned - but (AND THIS WAS MY OMG MOMENT) -it has to be THEIR idea. (how ridiculous and self-centered is THAT?) -sounds just like a difficult child isn't it - damned near self-diagnoses. (slaps head over and over because my 20 year old is JUST now putting things into motion that he learned all those years ago in STUPID STUPID, waste of my time, I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU DR. H..EVER." therapy.
(Yeah gotta let Dr. H know about "Muhamad Ali" walking away from a confrontation the other night because he remembered something about wasn't it better that HE was free and that idiot walked around angry? (therapy technique but still - nearly a boomerang effect)
So somedays our therapist played checkers with him - somedays he just talked and Dude pretended to sleep. At some point we hit a wall and if your therapist is worth a salt? He'll KNOW if he's helping your son or not - NOT just "Well I can't do anything with this kid. I'm clueless." Ours suggested several alternatives - one being this VERY old, VERY (OMG I wouldn't have even been comfy talking to this dinosaur) man and we went to see him as the NEW therapist - and well whattya know - bingo bango - there was a little chatter next week. lol (wink nod) I'm not too sure it wasn't a set up with both PhD's. (for both of us) lol
If it's absolutely not working? FIND SOMEONE ELSE - but keep going. Get him in the habit of knowing he needs something - to talk to someone - that this is NORMAL to be okay to get out some emotions...and that you don't mind going too. I loved it.
As far as the reading and communicating? Talk to a therapist about courses in effective communication, do a google search - there's a good book out called How to talk to your teen so he will listen and how to listen so your teen will talk. DO NOT let the kid know you are reading this. Just get it - do the workbook pages inthe book and do a chapter a week.
Find ANY parenting classes you can - find a local chapter of NAMI - and GO....they have resources.
Don't assume that it's just the kid...don't think you are broken either. It's just new mechanics - and you have to catch up. It's like I tell my Mom - Well - If YOU gave birth to a Bengal Tiger would you know how to raise it? Noooooooo So you'd have to go to classes and read and talk to others that raised one? See what they like, need etc? Right - Not much different. You can't raise a difficult child like every other kid. You can't raise every other kid like every other kid - but you know that - they're all different. difficult child's are unique and quirky - and you are lucky enough and tough enough to do this. You just have to find out how to parent him in a unique way - and stop thinking that the way YOU were raised is going to transcend to this kid. If you don't? You are both going to continue to be miserable and you WILL continue to not like each other at all. Not like will grow to hate and that will grow to be something worse. No one really wants that. If you did? You wouldn't be seeking answers here.
They may not be the answers you hoped to find. God knows I figured I'd come here 10 years ago and for all the medications we tried I was SURE our docs just hadn't heard of the RIGHT one - the people here would just laugh and say OH star ------you should be trying VITAMETAVEGAMIN - and *POOF* I'd go back to my doctor ask for that, get a prescription, give it to my son, he'd take it? He'd turn back into a normal child, I'd parent him just like I was parented by my mom and dad - and life would be heaven.
And then ------life happened - and it wasn't anything like that a'tall. And I stay here - trying to help and offer a bit of advice for those that will take it - and hope. Because we're no where near done with our story. Our amusement park just keeps buying property......wheeeee.
Hugs!
Star
Oh and as far as him saying "I'm not going?" You get a therapist too - One for you, one for the family and one for him - and ask YOUR therapist how he thinks is best. We picked our kid up and put him in the car until he was too big, and then we just started stripping his room and privledges and when I say strip? I mean - ZIP.
And .....our "secret" reward was just us - me, him and DF and he got to pick the restaurant we went to before we hit the shrink - every week. His choice if he had participated and got in the car - didn't have to talk - just had to go.
Star*
call 911........call 911
Also -
If you have an IEP at your sons school and MOST of his problems are due to HOMEWORK?
Two suggestions because these were our exact problems in the class -
1.) Call an IEP meeting immediately -
2.) Petition the school for a shadow (their cost) and either have him put into Self-contained classes part time and main streamed classes part time where he can have a shadow to help him with the homework BEFORE he comes home so that there IS NONE - or have him put into self-contained classes all the time, keep the shadow and do all the homework in class period.
3.) If there is any homework? And you don't want him to go into self-contained classes and regular classes are stressing him out? Talk to your school about him attending 1/2 days on Tuesday and Thursday and have a Student Aid or Shadow stay with him at school that will help him with his assignments OR come to your house. If that's not agreeable, Then perhaps 1/2 days all week for class and a shadow that helps him in school with his classwork before he goes home.
Solutions CAN be made. You just have to know what options are available and THESE are ALL options we tried BEFORE my son was suspended.
What worked ultimately? Having a SPED teacher come to the house 4 days a week from 8-4 = paid for by the district. ALL YEAR LONG.
If you have an IEP at your sons school and MOST of his problems are due to HOMEWORK?
Two suggestions because these were our exact problems in the class -
1.) Call an IEP meeting immediately -
2.) Petition the school for a shadow (their cost) and either have him put into Self-contained classes part time and main streamed classes part time where he can have a shadow to help him with the homework BEFORE he comes home so that there IS NONE - or have him put into self-contained classes all the time, keep the shadow and do all the homework in class period.
3.) If there is any homework? And you don't want him to go into self-contained classes and regular classes are stressing him out? Talk to your school about him attending 1/2 days on Tuesday and Thursday and have a Student Aid or Shadow stay with him at school that will help him with his assignments OR come to your house. If that's not agreeable, Then perhaps 1/2 days all week for class and a shadow that helps him in school with his classwork before he goes home.
Solutions CAN be made. You just have to know what options are available and THESE are ALL options we tried BEFORE my son was suspended.
What worked ultimately? Having a SPED teacher come to the house 4 days a week from 8-4 = paid for by the district. ALL YEAR LONG.
Star*
call 911........call 911
There are drawbacks to this -----FYI -
We never had homework because school was TOO stressful for Dude - this is true, and he's no dummy. Very intelligent and high IQ - but due to family problems he missed a lot of school in 3rd grade so he missed core classes and thus core and elementary problem solving.
He also dropped out of high school and wants to but has NOT gone to get his GED.
Thought I should add that - because while we DID give up the homework battle - we lost the war.
Our district was NOT the greatest. They basically just wanted our son gone, and due to so much time in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s without an accredited school? He lost a lot of his education.
We never had homework because school was TOO stressful for Dude - this is true, and he's no dummy. Very intelligent and high IQ - but due to family problems he missed a lot of school in 3rd grade so he missed core classes and thus core and elementary problem solving.
He also dropped out of high school and wants to but has NOT gone to get his GED.
Thought I should add that - because while we DID give up the homework battle - we lost the war.
Our district was NOT the greatest. They basically just wanted our son gone, and due to so much time in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s without an accredited school? He lost a lot of his education.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
About the homework... I don't even bother anymore.
Jett has a last-period-of-the-day class similar to study hall, with a tutor (10 kids), so he rarely has any. Onyxx? Hahahahahahaha just TRY to get her to do homework!!! She says she's doing great in her classes. We shall see next week when grades come out...
About the electricity. Jett occasionally will say something to us - but you know what? WE pay for it. When he starts paying for electricity, he will be allowed to leave the lights on. Simple.
Jett has a last-period-of-the-day class similar to study hall, with a tutor (10 kids), so he rarely has any. Onyxx? Hahahahahahaha just TRY to get her to do homework!!! She says she's doing great in her classes. We shall see next week when grades come out...
About the electricity. Jett occasionally will say something to us - but you know what? WE pay for it. When he starts paying for electricity, he will be allowed to leave the lights on. Simple.
