New here...coping for years :-(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mbirdwell75801, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. mbirdwell75801

    mbirdwell75801 New Member

    My difficult child is a wonderfully softhearted child who seems to cycle about every 6 weeks. Normally his mean, behavior last for about two weeks then we are OK for a while. He can get violent when confronted but with age the violence has lessened. When he gets in his moods if I say white its black, if I say sit he stands. He will verbally attack his siblings, he will push shove antagonize and its never his fault. For years family has tried to push us to medicate, but it's always been manageable. He does not do well with change and has always been a straight A student with no discipline problems. At home, with family and friends is where his issues present thee worst. He knows he has a problem and will tell you after an outburst how sorry he is and that his anger got the best of him. It is just exhausting. I feel like Ihave to give him 98% of my attention while the others get very little....just have a really bad few weeks. Its not always bad but when it is I feel like I'm back in the army in combat mode....venting is what I'm doing I guess....
  2. mbirdwell75801

    mbirdwell75801 New Member

    After reading other post I feel bad for letting my problems get the best of me. When he was younger he would resort to extreme violence, I have scars on my arms hands and chest from trying to restrain him. He was hospitalized at age 4 for aweek for what doctors equated to the adult equivelant of a nervous break down. At times we have no problems what so ever, and then a switch flips and baby pyscho appears. He ttells me that I'm a horrible mom, that I don't love him, and onand on. I tell him nothing can change my love for him repeadatly. When he gets angry he will shove, hit, bite, kick and even choke. His brother is sporting claw marks on his hand and wrist currently that he inflicted, over not wanting to play a game with him. Usually seperating him will help but lately its not as effective and we are on the back side of a three week binge.
  3. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    So sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. I don't have any advice but wanted to say welcome and we are glad you are here. Others will be along shortly... take good care of yourself. It is definitely tough parenting a difficult child. Hang in there.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you taken him for an intensive evaluation? If not, why not? in my opinion that's what he needs to set you and him on the right track. I like neuropsychs best...

    Our difficult child kids tend to eat up all of our attention if we don't get outside help and the rest of our family needs us too. Also, it is impossible to know what you are dealing with unless you have him officially diagnosed. medications are a choice. It's not your mom, your aunt, your cousin, your kissin' cousin or good friend Cindy who make the decisions about how you raise your child. It is really up to you. This issue with your son is NOT about whether you are tough enough to do this, but rather why is he acting differently than other kids do and how can you help him? It's all bout him and helping him. You don't have to be tough, just proactive in getting him help. If he attacks you now, he is young. If he physically lashes out when he is a head taller than you, then it will become domestic abuse. It really is important to help him now. The earlier the interventions, usually the better the prognosis.

    Glad you found us, but so sorry you had to.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  5. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Welcome to the site, MWM gave you good advise I once spent almost a month in a neck brace from Angel swinging her full body weight from my hair (she was around your son's age at the time)

    I hope leaving bruises & scratches on siblings is not a regular thing because school teachers are obligated by law to report to children's protective services if they suspect a child is being abused and from what you described if under investigation you could lose your other 2 kids for failure to protect.

    Not scolding it just doesn't sound like you have a paper trail of evaluations or therapists to help cover your a** if CPS becomes involved. Having kids who explode at the slightest frustration (all 3 of mine) is a toxic situation that impacts everyone exposed to it. Please seek assistance in your area to help you get this under control before he gets any bigger.

    Angel was 8yo first time I called the cops on her, sometimes they would assist with ambulance to get her to crisis center but usually they would help diffuse the situation, give her a pep talk and leave. Her siblings had to feel some sense of safety and when I (mom) couldn't get control of her wouldn't hesitate to call 911 and get backup when needed.

    My insurance company was clueless when asked for a neuropsychologist doctor, actually the developmental pediatricians they referred were of no use (only did in-uturo or preemies) my girls were 9&11 yo at the time. I got the name of a good developmental pediatrician from the place that does services for autistic kids in this area; then because insurance didn't have anyone with that doctors qualifications, authorized for that out of network doctor. Don't be surprised if have to wait a couple months to get in to start, initial evaluation will be about 6 hours done in 2-3 appointments.

  6. mbirdwell75801

    mbirdwell75801 New Member

    I am crying after reading your responses. It is so frustrating. Having him diagnosed ODD was hard enough. The idea it's something more scares me to death. Every time we get to thepoint we think its something more it all just stops. HHe'll be great for weeks. Him hurting his siblings isn't a regular occurrence,but it does happen occasionally. His aggression issues are documented home, schhol, Dr, and with play therapist. We are trying to find the right help. I just feel like I've failed him....we will get through this...
  7. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    in my opinion ODD is a symptom not a diagnosis - Angel was 6yo when diagnosis with bipolar, ODD & adHd if look at my signature the ODD & adHd didn't get cured they never really existed. They were symptoms of unmedicated bipolar.

    I understand the frustration and tears, I was right there for many years... wishing for that crystal ball to tell me how to fix it, because I knew something was horribly wrong. When you get to the route of the problem then you can work on fixing it.

    It does get better when you aren't flying blind. Knock wood Angel hasn't had cops here or needed psychiatric hospital in past 2 years. We know what medications help and which to avoid, what foods to avoid, also how to interact with her without making her so angry.

    I've worked in children's mental health for years and its rare for a diagnosis that was given to a 5yo to be the same exact diagnosis when they are 20yo. I think the worst misdiagnoses I ever heard of was a 7yo who was diagnosis as having schizophrenia his parents got him off milk and he was fine - no diagnosis nothing mental health ... it would have been laughable if not for all the years and medications and the fact those parents were considering institutionalizing him at one point.

    That's why MWM and I said neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician to get a full evaluation. A psychiatrist looks at mental issues a regular pediatrician looks at medical issues. The type doctors MWM and I suggest are going to look at the whole child for their whole life (actually before birth, pregnancy ?s) Not just mental, medical, food related, developmental milestones etc but they take into account ethnic background, religion, family composition, birth order.... they look at the whole child instead of knee jerk a diagnosis that is within their specialty and miss something major.

    Your afraid it's something more then ODD, more less I just hope it's something other then ODD alone because that is true conduct disorder and it doesn't sound to me like you described a junior sociopath it sounds more like a frustrated kid who has an issue that is not being dealt with properly.

    You might want to start a calendar (I never had time for true charting) I used red/anger, blue/sad, green/food, purple/sexual stuff, & orange for stealing, get a multicolor pack of pens and what you think needs documenting. When sleeps and wakes is valuable info too.

    Hope some of this helps and please try to stop worrying, worry is like day dreaming about what you don't want - it taps your joy and wastes lots of time accomplishing nothing. We are here for you when have ?s or need to vent.