G'day, Becklit. You have my son. I suspect you have my other kids as well.
We can't diagnose on this site. Even if we could, I can't see your kids, I can only go by your one post. But all that aside, there are a few things screaming at me -
1) ODD rarely turns up without some underlying condition. I am also very firmly of the opinion that there is something out there which LOOKS like ODD, probably gets diagnosed as ODD a lot, but which is primarily the result of TRADITIONAL parenting styles (note: NOT bad parenting) which simply are incompatible with that particular child and especially that child's underlying disorder. You can rapidly bring about change and reduction in this semblance to ODD, by doing an almost 180 degree change form that position. The alternative methods which for the majority of us bring that improvement can be found in the book already recommended, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you look on the Early Childhood forum you will see dome discussion on this book and how to apply it to younger children.
2) The early/good reading is definitely screaming at me. I think SRL is thinking along similar lines - possible hyperlexia. Again, this is a label with varying viewpoints connected to it. At the very least, there is a group of children observed who read at a high capability level at an extraordinarily young age, but generally do not have the same degree of understanding of the content of what they read. That's not to say that they don't understand at all, just that they don't understand AS WELL as someone of a more appropriate age. For example, you say he is reading at a Grade 3 level - but is he also able to discuss it at a Grade 3 level? difficult child 3 could pick up a Gideon's Bible and read it aloud when he was 2, but he was not able to understand what it was all about. However, he had an extreme and very early fascination for numbers and letters, to the extent that they distracted him from just about anything else in his environment.
3) Some people believe hyperlexia is a subset of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (Pervasive Developmental Disorder). Certainly this seems so in the case of our family. But this is not the disastrous news some people would have considered it, in years gone by. High-functioning autism and similar are really much more hopeful in outcomes than many people realise. The understanding of autism and the diagnostic parameters have changed a great deal in recent years. People are being diagnosed these days who, in years past, would simply have been considered eccentric or difficult, or quirky geniuses. We're talking about high-functioning here.
All of these are reasons for getting your children assessed, preferably by a neuropsychologist. The earlier you get answers, the sooner you can begin to get the correct support in place for your kids. A big part of that support is changing your mind-set towards the kids and their motivation, and in changing your discipline methods.
Think about discipline - what is its purpose? Now think about how it works in your household - do you achieve that purpose? What is the outcome, for you?
We discipline our children to teach them the right way to behave. The way we discipline will vary because we each have our own methods, but traditional parenting (what many of us grew up with) is generally punishment-based. "Do that again and I will smack!"
(Some kids would interpret that last statement as just that - a statement announcing what is about to happen, almost an instruction to do it again.)
We have found with our kids that we need to turn it around to positive motivation - reward-based. Part of that also avoids "don't" and "no" and replaces it with directed alternatives. Example - Johnny is tapping his pencil on the desk repeatedly. Instead of saying, "Johnny, stop it," the teacher instead says, "Johnny, will you come over here please? Bring your worksheet with you, I want to talk to you about what answers you think you should write."
There are other options, but the teacher has just removed Johnny from the problem. She could also have said, "Johnny, please put your pencil down and pick up the eraser." But whatever she said, it involved helping Johnny change tasks and removed the pencil from his hands and/or proximity to the desk. The underlying problem - Johnny unable to write down his answers - also needs to be addressed.
Some things to remember -
1) Kids generally are not bad by nature. Kids like to please you. Their first choice generally is NOT to upset you. However, long-term problems in their ability to comply with a number of things difficult for them, can change this. But given half a chance, kids will quickly revert back to wanting to please you again, as soon as they realise it's back on the table AND within their grasp.
2) Some kids find life tougher than you think. Especially the really bright kids - if they have a hidden learning difficulty, they are very good at hiding it. It's almost subconscious, this is not deliberate deception.
3) It is not only possible, it's unfortunately too common, for kids to be both gifted and learning disabled. It's also very hard for schools to diagnose because it's easier to assume that the giftedness can compensate for the learning problems. Unfortunately, the opposite is more likely.
4) When identified and appropriate help made available, a kid who is both gifted and learning disabled CAN improve.
5) It has been said (NSW Association for Gifted & Talented Children) that members of a family are generally within 10 IQ points of one another. So if you know that one of your kids is definitely in the superior range for IQ, assume the others are in the same ballpark, no matter what you are told the tests show. Unless there have been other external factors, such as acquired brain injury, for example. And even then...
If you treat a child as intelligent, you often can improve their performance. If you treat a child as unintelligent, that can have a corresponding effect.
YOu and your husband need to be on the same page with discipline. YOu also each need to be consistent in yourselves.
If, by some chance, any of your children are remotely Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and/or much brighter than average, they are likely to have a keenly developed sense of justice. This means they are likely to be REALLY resentful of any discipline which resembles (in their eyes) injustice. Some classic punishments, such as grounding, loss of TV priivileges, loss of computer game privileges (especially that one) seem really unfair to these kids especially if the punishment is for something totally unrelated, such as answering back. The punishments that work best (if you absolutely must punish - there are better ways) are the "natural consequences" ones. For example, your child steals money from your wallet: the natural consequences are - the money must be paid back, and it will be a long time before you trust that child again.
Or your child is slow to come to the dinner table: the natural consequences is - his dinner is cold, plus he has to eat it alone because everyone else has finished.
There is so much more, but I don't want to overload you. I strongly recommend you talk to your husband about us. Try to get him to read the posts, talk about them together and maybe even get him to lurk here too. My husband does this and finally joined in his own right. It has made a huge difference in how we parent the kids now. Much more cooperatively, much more consistent between us.
Sometimes he will come home from work, having read stuff I've written during the day and he will say, "I never realised you felt like that; why didn't you tell me?" and I guess it was one of the many little things we had just never got around to sharing.
Or maybe he will come home and continue a discussion I had earlier in one of my posts, perhaps raising a point I hadn't thought of.
We thought we were good communicators before - so if WE have found improvement, then anybody will.
Marg
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