I'm new here and I'm mad at my mom!

[TrishaBC]

I've beeen lurking for a while and this seems like a great board

A little history about our family. My brother is the bio father of my difficult child, he walked out on difficult child and the bio mom when difficult child was only three. Not long after the bio mom nosedived into drugs ect really bad and I got custody of difficult child when he was four. My brother has never tried to contact us and has conviently "forgot" he even has a son. We have never recieved any child support, and do not get any government support in any way. My brother has apparently cleaned his act up, remarried, got a job, and now has 2 daughters. Still he has never bothered to contact us.

My issue is with my parents. My husband and I struggle every day with difficult child. We love him so much, but sometimes it's so draining. The finacial burden has been boggling. My husband and I both work full-time, and we seem to be trapped in a vicious cycle of never getting ahead. We can't just get a normal daycare for difficult child, he needs one on one care and supervision, this is VERY expensive. difficult child got kicked out of school and therefore we have him in a private school that costs $650 a month. difficult child is 12 so he is not eligible for any daycare subsidies. We have tried every possible agency and ministry to get a little help with him but he is not eligible for any help or services. His IQ is to high for any community living services.

As a couple husband and I are running on fumes most times. We never get a break at all. There is no time for us, we have no one that helps us out. I just think my parents should be helping me out. They have time in their lives, they just don't want to help. They live about a half hour away, but they come up at least twice a week to go to the casino that is 10 minutes away from my house, yet they can't stop in and give their very tired daughter a break. Even if they just came over and watched a movie with difficult child so we could get out of the house for a couple hours. I've suggested this, but they just haven't got around to it. I can't force them to want to help us out, and yes I have made it very clear that we could use a break.

My mom calls me about once a week, and I'm seriously considering to just start avoiding her. It feels like our relationship is one sided. She doesn't want to hear about how crappy it's going, if I start to vent she cuts the call short. She's not supportive at all. I know I sound selfish but unless she's willing to help us out (I do not mean financially just a break here and there), why should I always have to put on a "peachy farce" for her.

 

[guest3]

<<<HUGS>>>

I am sorry I don't know anything about Canada's services, just don't move to NJ, they kinda sound = in that they s&ck

 

[brite_eyes01]

Hello Trisha and welcome. I don't respond very often, but I can understand. My difficult child is 11 and he has to have constant supervision because he just does not understand. I am a single mom and I work as little as I can (enough to pay the bills), so I can be there for him. My parents aren't around (2 1/2 hours away)so I get no relief from them. I don't have time to maintain many relationships and my son has VERY few what you could call friends because of his "issues". That is why this site is so superb. It helps me know that there are others out there who can understand and are going through many of the same issues. Fortunately my son has not been kicked out of school. I also do not get any help from his Bio father (financially or otherwise). I know how hard it can be. Please know that you will find many friends here and that we will keep you in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers.

 

[Wiped Out]

Trisha,
Welcome! I'm sorry things are so hard right now. It is so important to get some respite time. We don't have any family in our area. Have you tried googling respite and your city? We don't get to use it a lot but do get to utilize it about once a month.

 

[TrishaBC]

Thanks for your responses

We've tried getting respite but we don't qualify. We are really tapped out and can't afford to pay for it.

 

[nvts]

I wish I knew about the resourses in Canada. Here in NYC there are people called "Parent Advocates". These people have experience on helping families of kids with difficulties find the appropriate resources to deal with different situations (in the US, we're supposed to have the right to a free education - when the public school system can't handle the diagnosed child, the advocates help you fight to have the tuition paid by the Public School system). They help with respite, youth groups, etc. I hopped onto the web and found the Ministry of Children and Family Development website and poked around. There was stuff there about mental illness. You might also want to look into having your brothers wages garnished for child support.

I'm still new on this site, but I feel such a kinship with so many of these people - they actually feel your pain and speak so candidly that you KNOW they understand you!

B

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I'm not familiar with the programs available for your difficult child in Canada.

I did want to welcome you to this board and let you know that you have my admiration and respect. Your difficult child is being provided a home and love and it is the greatest gift you can give.

Sharon

 

[BusynMember]

You can't force your parents to help you. Mine never did either, and that's just how it is. What would be helpful to you is to look in every little corner to see if there is any help at all, somebody or some service that can give you a break. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about Canada. Hugs, and I hope you find that needed break.

 

[Alisonlg]

I wish I knew more about Canada and could help point you in the right direction. But, I did want to pop in and offer you some hugs and welcome you to the board.

 

[wakeupcall]

The first thing you have to do is try to get rid of the anger at your parents. Sometimes parents just are not interested in doing for anyone other than themselves. We have parents who think it was OUR choice to adopt, so they'll not help. You are in that boat with me, I think. Let it go. Ask for nothing and then you won't expect it. With practice, that gets easier, trust me. Then find things to do that will give you some SEMI time together. Sometimes my husband and I take difficult child to the pool....at least while he's swimming and acting like a total jerk, we can sit and have iced tea and talk without huge ears listening in. You have to be creative.....

 

[mattsmom27]

I'm sorry to hear you are falling through the cracks for services. Seems in Canada (probably the US too) that it happens often, you earn "too much" to qualify for subsidies or respite care, but not enough to pay the bills and also pay the costs for some time alone to have a break. I think most of us here understand the demands of having a difficult child, and not having a break has got to be difficult. I wish I had great advice .
Someone mentioned getting your bro's wages garnished for child support. If he is now married, supporting a wife and 2 more children, he certainly can contribute financially! Perhaps you just really don't want the hassle of court or concerns he's suddenly decide if petitioned for support that he wants to get involved with your difficult child which could mess your difficult child up worse. I still say, even if that's the case, that you petition for support. Support does NOT mean he would get visitation. If he did file back asking for visits, if it isn't in your difficult child's interests at this time, the court will figure that out right quick. You could use the child support payments to pay for some much deserved time away from home with your husband!
In the meantime, this is less than ideal, but how about you and husband "swap" time off? Not the same as having a break TOGETHER, but perhaps you'll both have a little more patience and sanity preserved with some time off, even if it is less than ideal since you couldn't go out together.

Best of luck to you. It is never easy with a difficult child! (((hugs)))

 

[dreamer]

I just wanted to send hugs. I can relate. I have no ideas or answers, tho. My husband came to our marriage with 2 teen nephews to suppport, and ageing ailing parents. (in different states) and then we got my brothers stepson and we have 3 kids of our own. My husband became disabled but prior to that we worked opposite work hours becuz our money did not strecth very well, financially supporting so many households and people-
My husband parents were already gone, and his "sister" "disappeared" and my parents and my 4 siblings have never even once babysat or helped with anything like a hospital visit or ride anywhere or anything. and when my mom got sick, and needed intensive in home care, my siblings vanished.......leaving me to juggle my husband in ICU, my difficult child home suicidal and my son undergoing major eye repair surgeries 5 hours from home. Like I said, I can relate.I just do not have any good answers. HUGS

 

[TrishaBC]

Thanks for all the support everyone. This is really a great group, I appreciate all the hugs.