I'm not a social worker... but I play one on TV!!! (I'm losing my mind)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Sorry guys. Here I am again.

    Quick rundown: (almost) 19yo daughter. In and out of jail, tx, etc. Couldn't come home (we would not let her). Lived with-enabler parents, got kicked out. Lived with boyfriend... didn't work out. Moved back in (because we are crazy). Couldn't follow rules. Decided that moving to the Big City was the answer.

    After we refused her to come to our house (she was using and not following the rules), she broke into my parent's house.

    As much as I agonized and thought it was a bad idea to take 2 rubbermaid tubs full of her clothes, hop in a car with some guy to get dropped off at some other guy's house in the Big City and "try to make her way" I resigned to it. Didn't give into the drama of it. Let her leave and remained pretty emotionless.

    Long walks with the husband, trying to work out the worries. Thankfully she checked in by phone and we thought maybe, maybe this would be the thing that worked.

    Two days later she calls asking for a ride home.

    What? Huh?!

    I offered her a bus ticket. I wasn't going to drive 2 hours to pick her up, drive 2 hours to bring her back.

    So here she is back at our house and I'm nearly losing my mind.

    Social life and partying are the #1 priority.

    We put down these rules:

    M-F she needs to be in by 11pm, sleep in her bed. Get up in the morning and GET OUT. Go to the library, go to the GED place, go somewhere just get out and be productive. (We still don't really trust her at home, esp. not with the sibs -- besides, this isn't a flop house)

    I also told her she needed to figure out a place to volunteer a couple times a week, or I'd figure it out for her, but until she had a job, she needed to be putting in volunteer hours.

    It didn't go over well, as you can imagine. She swore, she bucked, she put on a display. And this morning is all drama. She can't walk, she doesn't know what she will do out of the house all day long (even though she can figure that out pretty easy when she's out hanging with the buddies... but now that we're putting her out it's like child abuse to her).

    I feel like it's a full-time job trying to manage her. I say nothing, and watch her flop around like a slug, use, abuse the household rules, and flare up any time someone opposes her. I can't do that. I can't live like that.

    But I can't live like this, either.

    I have a job. I have other children. A husband. My own mental and physical health. It's too much.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending a caring hug your way. DDD
  3. Tezzie

    Tezzie Member

    Bean, you could be describing my son for the most part. He's out all day with friends (all younger than he is by 2-4 years), feels we should pay him when he does chores around the house & can't understand why we won't let him use the car...."after all, he has his license now". husband & I sat down with him on a rare evening he was home for dinner & walked through our timeline with him. I've been looking, sort of, for group homes or supervised living for him outside of our town. I've started SSI applications & looked into the homeless shelters in the area. He's working with a DVR job counselor to try to find him a job & there might be one possibility for that. husband & I told him, bottom line, he will be living elsewhere on or before September 1, with the homeless shelter being an option. If he gets a job, husband & I will assist with rent if needed. We may even help with food for a bit, but no job, no help. He had no serious reactions to that but is also relatively clueless about what it will be like in a homeless shelter ( so are we for that matter).

    We, husband, his brother & I have dealt with him for long enough & I don't think he will "get it" until he is literally forced to be on his own. My heart aches for him but as with baby birds, he needs to be helped out of the nest or he will likely be a lump forever.

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, Bean. Does she have a key to your house? I would make sure she is on the doorstep and locked out to enforce that "be out of the house all day" rule. quite honestly, though, I think she may end up breaking in, since she didn't hesitate to do so at your parents' house.

    If she's already, day 1, making zero effort to comply with the rules you laid down, I think you may have some tough decisions on your future. I feel for you, I really do. I know it's not easy, in fact, it feels impossible, but she's an adult. I've said it before, but I believe that many of these kids are remarkably resilient and resourceful once they are forced to be responsible for themselves. It's not pretty to watch, but it's possible.

    You need to take your life and your household back. You, and your husband and your other kids, deserve that.

  5. Bean

    Bean Member

    She does not have the keys to our house. We changed the combination on the garage, too. She can't be trusted with it, needs to earn that back. But right now she's basically proving that she's not ready for it and she does not seem interested in earning it back. I don't know what rock bottom will be for her, but she sure doesn't seem to be hitting it. She's had the same reaction from everyone she's stayed with. All is fine and dandy until any questions how she uses her time, and then she blows up. Which is just another excuse to use, because everyone is so mean to her.

    I'm so worn out.