Hang in there, ML.
About the gaming - as per TEC, I think you need to let difficult child feel some measure of control here (ie you don't step in and order him off the games NOW) but also discuss with him the amount of time he spends on his games. We have (had) the same issues and we found that despite everyone saying how bad it is, how addictive gaming is (and there could be some truth in this) there is also a lot of benefit for these kids in a lot of subtle ways as well as more obvious ways.
So we have our own parental ground rules:
1) I will give my child notice, as much as possible, of the need to change task, especially the need to stop gaming.
2) I will not shut off the game; that is disrespectful and the only way this kid can learn respect, is if we show him respect first (even when he's being a snot).
3) I will try to spend some time gaming with him, so I at least know what he is doing.
4) I will keep in touch with what he is playing and what it is teaching him, in order to ensure that the values he is really taking on board are the values we want him to learn.
That last rule is one we always followed in the days before computer games. I would always read the same books the kids were reading, so I could discuss the books with the kids. For example when the girls were into Babysitters Club etc, I read them all. And Christopher Pike. I would then discuss the message of the book with the kids. What did you understand the moral of the story to be? What did you think about Karen's behaviour?
And now - difficult child 3 is playing games like Grand Theft Auto, at a fairly sophisticated programming level. It is very violent, gang-related, has drug and sexual references and involves, among other things, shooting people, stealing cars and driving wildly. He was banned from having this game or playing it, until he was able to legally acquire it himself. When difficult child 1 had a copy of the game he was forbidden to play it when difficult child 3 was in the room. Perhaps that was a mistake - it made the game more attractive for difficult child 3. However, difficult child 3's extreme law-abidingness meant that he was nervous about being in the room with any game rated above his age.
So now he plays GTA. A lot. So he & I talk. He also talks to husband about it. There are a lot of references in the game that he doesn't get (cultural differences, plus his lack of social skills) and he will come and ask me about a 'conversation' in the game with a pimp or a drug dealer. "What did he mean by that remark?" difficult child 3 will ask. So we still talk about it. He knows I don't like the darkness in the game, the nastiness. But he has said to me, "It's OK, Mum, I know the difference between right and wrong. I know a lot of this stuff is illegal, what they do in the game, and I do know what is real and what is game."
The interesting thing - difficult child 3 has had his Learner's Permit (driving a car) for a few months now (in Australia you can't get your Ls until you're at least 16). And his previous experience 'driving' was playing GTA! And ya know? When difficult child 3 is behind the wheel, he's a darn good driver. Sometimes he will say to me, "That situation with the side street and giving way was like a scenario in GTA, and I had to remember how to look carefully in case someone hurtled out of where he shouldn't."
What we have found with gaming - for some kids (and in our family, this happens with the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids especially) gaming seems to act as a calming effect. difficult child 1 voluntarily stopped gaming for a period of time now and then, especially at exam time, and I found he was a lot more stressed. Gaming helped calm him down.
And we're seeing the same things with difficult child 3 - gaming is a safety valve.
Some games can be a problem. Sometimes the problem games are not the ones you expect. When difficult child 3 was younger, the better games for him were the educational ones, the strategy ones and the problem-solving ones. The problem games for him, surprisingly, were ones which pushed his imagination in the wrong direction. We have a basic strategy game called Mission Thunderbolt, which is not time-based (while you plan your move, the game patiently waits). difficult child 3 used to have nightmares from playing it, but when he felt he was able to handle playing it he begged for the right to have another go and we let him play (first banning him from playing it after dark) and since then we've seen him discover some novel strategies and become the most skilled player of this game in the entire family.
It has been shown that kids who game get a lot of mental stimulation, and when bright kids game it gives their brains a regular workout and can boost their performances in other areas. As long as it doesn't take over to such an extent that they aren't getting their academic workload met.
So what do you do to keep it under control? The best way, is to have the child take personal responsibility for his own gaming. This is a tall order, but following TEC methods, it is still the best one to aim for.
What has worked for us, is to talk to the child. We discuss the workload, we discuss family responsibilities. We compare with our own activities. We had a battle with difficult child 3 last night, when husband wanted help with the washing up and this involved calling difficult child 3 away from a game where he was talking to other players online. difficult child 3 hated being called away from online real-time conversation and his rage was perhaps boosted by his concern over what his internet playmates would think about this. But we resolved it, we talked calmly and we also pointed out that we, his parents, will stop any recreational activity to come help with domestic issues. It's what we do, when we are in a family. difficult child 3 did calm down and stayed to help. When we were done, he went back to his gaming. That was a success in my book, because a positive lesson was learned and we didn't have to get nasty. It means that next time we are likely to get easier compliance.
A trick you can use, that worked with both boys for us - I asked the lad to tell me how much game time he wanted each day. That is the question you ask first. "You have certain daily responsibilities which need to be met before you game. You also have responsibilities to yourself, which include getting out into the fresh air and daylight, so you get your daily dose of Vitamin D and melatonin. So given that you can't game 24/7, how much game time do you believe is reasonable for you to have each day?"
Let the lad answer you. It's almost certain that he is unaware of just how much he is gaming. What happened with both our boys was they stated a number of hours that they anted, almost tentatively, that was actually far less than they actually game. And if you have an especially astute lad who names a figure closer to the (unacceptable) reality, you can fairly easily point out how unhealthy such a large number of ours really is, and negotiate back to a compromise.
The next step is to get the boy to monitor his game time. Get a notebook and pen in front of him and get him to sign on and off, when he is gaming. This is something he needs to want to do, to prove a point to you. His curiosity needs to be piqued so he wants to know the real answer. If you need to, you may need to keep the log. No hassling over it, no value judgements. Just facts. "You logged on at 10.15 am and then took a break at 1 pm to come have lunch."
Your next defence is something built in to difficult child 3's current IT course at school - OH&S. You can start to insist that difficult child develop good OH&S habits for computer use. If you can work with the school on this, maybe get them to set an assignment for the kids, on safe computer use (in terms of RSI, regular breaks from the screen, the correct arrangement of the elements of the computer hardware, etc).
We found that when challenged, our boys grossly underestimated the amount of time a day they spent gaming. The truth (as revealed by the log) horrified them. Not that it stopped it, but it has made it easier for us to suggest, "How about you take a break when you finish that level? I need someone to go to the shop for me anyway, to buy milk. Or perhaps you could drop in and see if your friend is home."
The type of gaming can also help - getting onto something more physically challenging, such as the Wii, is great for the whole family. You can set aside say, Saturday afternoon, for a family gaming session where you all get up and get exercising. Playing tennis, or ski slalom, is a lot of fun when everyone gets a turn trying to beat one another's scores!
If you can't beat 'em - join 'em! And make it healthier.
Marg