I'm reading many threads with spousal.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    issues of one thing or another. I read some of your threads & I get very very sad.

    I'd like to share my take on marriage; the infatuation & romance of early love, the wedding day & honeymoon. Then there comes the early childless years, then the kids. During all those periods you are a different person in your marriage as is your spouse.

    husband used to call me at work & be amazed at that professional side of me when I was in the middle of something; I'd have the same reaction when I'd touch base with husband at work. Once we got home & had changed into our "real" clothes I saw the man I married.

    That early love, romance & infatuation was just that - early love, romance, & infatuation. The honeymoon period was still the "discomfort" of not shaving my legs every day or putting on makeup even if I was sicker than a dog.

    Our years with-o children were at times wild; a time of exploration, fun - goofiness. Also those early DINK years were planning years. There was a bit of the romance & infatuation of our early love left, however, it had grown to a deeper understanding of one another.

    Our years as parents have been rife with stress, anger - when respite was to be had we took it & did our best to reconnect. For the most part, we tag teamed our way through the early tweedle years. We backed each other no matter what when dealing with the kids. If we disagreed we did it behind closed doors & either saw the other's point or compromised. Never in front of kt or wm. These were the imperfect, loss of romance & the fun DINK years. These were the years full of doubt whether we could survive as a couple. Yet we made it.

    Over the years the deep love & commitment came to be. The young love matured, became complete. We lived through many many happy times, many indifferent times & some incredibly ugly times.

    My spouse is gone - has been for over a year. I never again once he was hospitalized heard him say I love you; he was so hooked to machines that I never again got to lay with my husband in the same bed. I never again heard a goofy husband joke nor a good argument out of him. I miss him greatly today. Can't say why.

    I don't know why I'm posting this other than I've seen so many dissatisfied people posting of late. AND it makes me incredibly sad - so very very sad. It can & does get better my friends.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree that it gets better, and I hope that no one would think that I feel differently. I am the one who also posted that a favorite line from a movie thread response I thought of was from "The "Princess Bride" - "As you wish" which I pointed out I hear often from my husband. A very romantic sentiment.

    We've been married 24 years, and I do not disillusion myself that he is all good or all bad, or that I am one or the other, either. I know you miss your husband dearly, and I'm sorry for your pain and your loss. I imagine that one day you will again feel comfortable speaking of the times he was a PITA. That doesn't mean that you didn't love or appreciate him, it just means that there was better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health, and you wanted to share it with someone.

    We all need to reach out from time to time. There are an awful lot of things we say about our kids here that are pretty unattractive. It doesn't mean that we don't love or appreciate them. Just that sometimes we need to vent.
  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Your post just brought me to tears.

    He was your partner....your split-apart.

    Big Hugs tonight, Linda.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Well said, Witz.

    Linda, I understand where you are coming from. You have a perspective that most of us cannot imagine and the past year has probably been the hardest in your life in more ways than one.

    Your points are well taken, too. My husband frequently reminds me that what I take for granted today could be tragically gone tomorrow. He's even said that to me when things between us were ugly and my thoughts towards him were less than humane. Sometimes in our pain it's hard to see clearly. Thank you for reminding me to try to keep things in perspective.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I understand what you are saying. I didnt ever have the DINK side of things. I jumped straight into parenthood. Kind of stupid on our part but so it goes.

    Gosh those early years were tough but looking back they were great! The middle years were just plain hard. I think we just trudged along because we were too stubborn to quit. Or too stupid...lol. Im sure there were many times we both couldnt stand the sight of each other. Other times we never wanted to be apart.

    These last few years have been much better. Since my illness, we really dont take for granted what we are to each other. Not that we dont bicker and fight. We do. Just ask Heather! I get so mad at him sometimes but I know what I have and he means the world to me. I know he adores me...warts and all. He would give me the moon if he could. Just not in deer season...lol.
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm a guilty griper. And I understand your pain. I always cringe at my posts because I know what you have lost.

    I love my husband as I do my children. And barring any actions of infidelity or such, I will likely stick to my vows and stay.

    However, that doesn't lessen the burden.

    We had 4 children when we married. We were a team. We were a partnership. There was very little romance in the beginning. We were friends, we worked together, we made a good team.

    That is gone. And I don't know if it is coming back.

    I would miss husband if he were gone.

    Heck, I miss him now and he's in the next room.
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    Ah Linda, I'm so sorry for your pain. After reading your post I'm inspired to lighten up a little and focus on and appreciate what I have.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Linda I think it is a wonderful post. From the heart and honest.
    You are wise and have been through a lot without becoming bitter- or at least seeing the good and beauty through it all.

    I count my blessings quite frequently. I had so many horrible relationships prior to husband. I truly feel I have found my perfect match. After 10 years and the ups and downs so far we still don't have many problems considering what our lives are like.
    Even after not having a date in who knows how long we still make each other laugh!

    These kids of ours are hard on on the best of relationships. It takes all most of us have on a good day.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thank you for the reminder...
  10. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Good input. Thanks.

    Hugs for you
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Witz, the PITA times are frequently on my mind; the last 2 months were so confusing - everything was a turmoil. The illness had taken over his brain. His 2 years of unemployment after the Y2K debacle. The seemingly endless ongoing education (only 18 months) that landed his dream job - the position that now gives me medical at employee cost for the rest of my life. It was all askew during the last few years because of my illness. My husband's stress must have been sky high & he chose self medication to deal with it. I am so angry at husband at times.

    AND I was not being critical nor asking people to stop venting here about their lives. It was just a gentle reminder to be a bit forgiving as your marriage matures - as life changes.

    This was more thinking out loud & a very gentle reminder that life can change in a moment.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I appreciate your wisdom, Linda.

    As one who is about to take the journey of marriage on for the first time, for both of us, it is scary to say the least. I see so much unhappiness and disappointment. I hope as we take the roller coaster of marriage on we can weather the ups and downs.

    Thank you for sharing.

    And I am sorry you had to learn that wisdom so early.
  13. Linda,

    I'm sending many hugs your way today. I'm one of the crowd that knows how life can take a u-turn in a second; and I also know that it can take years to make peace with that fact. I don't think that grief ever really goes away, it just changes and becomes more acceptable with time. Please know that you have others walking behind you in your journey.

  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You know, it's interesting for me to read about the frustrations and joys of other people's marriages. I know that each of us have our breaking point, and difficult children make it that much harder.

    I've never stopped loving husband. Not through all of this. That's what made the last few months so agonizing for me. If I didn't care... it would have been easy to walk away. But it wasn't ever easy. When he was in jail for 3 days last summer I was literally crazy. The day he got out, we were an hour early to pick him up, and I didn't let him out of my sight for hours. And then... things collapsed around me. There is more to the story than I've posted, because it's too painful for me.

    I'm glad I have him though, no matter what, because I've learned how to be a Mom... And I don't think that would have happened. As annoying as BM can be, as frustrating as Onyxx can be, as patient as I need to be with Jett... I love my kids, too. I would not trade them for anyone else's. Well... Not permanently anyway.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you Linda for taking the time to share so openly your reflections on your marriage.

    Sending gentle hugs your way~
  16. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I love my husband more than works can say, he tells me I'm gorgeous every day and I never believe him- I even get mad at him for saying that. I love him to pieces and I do need to show him more, we can't change one another. I wouldn't trade him for anyone. We met in HS and have grown old together (43, and 44). But he's the one for me forever, sometimes I complain here though, but just here.
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    As someone who has lived with an addict, I totally understand what you are saying. I've never thought about not being husband's wife. Despite his issues, he is truly a great husband and father. He adores me and lets me know every single day. The years when he was struggling with his addiction were tough---and I thought more than once about leaving---not because I don't love him, but because I was fearful of what all of the stress was doing to the kids. I even consulted a divorce attorney when I sent him to rehab the first time. But, I got myself to Alanon---I read everything I could about addiction and educated myself. I am by no means perfect---I recognize that marriage is hard work. I have fallen in and out of love with husband many times over the years---but I have always loved him. He is my soulmate---and I am fortunate that he continues to choose me over the addiction. I also know that it is a fine line. Once an addict, always an addict. I know that I tend to guard my heart a little more now that I did before. I still have a small piece of me that will never trust him totally and completely. But he is human. As am I. And that means that we will both make mistakes, we will hurt each other (unintentionally), and we will forgive and move one.
  18. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My husband and I have at times had a very turbulent relationship. Many times were very hard, and I try not to dwell there.

    That being said, I am happier in our relationship now than I have ever been before. With all the recent trials and tribulations we have had with his mental and physical health I have a better understanding and acceptance of what and who he is. I am becoming better at discerning when the BiPolar (BP) or the pain is talking and when he is. He is so vulnerable, more so than I ever knew and more than he will ever admit.

    For some reason his psychiatric hospital, for me, strengthened our relationship. The fact that he went and stayed, and did so for his family, means more than to me than he will ever know. Awhile back we were talking about his medications and all the nasty side effects he has had from them. I told him I did not know how he could keep trying them, I did not nor do I right now know if I could keep on trying. How did he do it? He said he did it for the kids and I. When the medications were/are good things are so much better for us. I was left speechless. I still almost tear up thinking about that.

    There are sometimes he tries my patience beyond what I think I can take. Times when I am so scared I am going to lose him, scared that he will not be able to take the pain anymore, or that the mental anguish will win out. Sometimes I have to refocus my thoughts as they are just too painful, I just cannot think about the what if's.

    As much as he drives me crazy and irritates me to no end, I love him. I love the way he cuddles with his kitties and begs me to get him a glass of water so he does not disturb them. How he goes to the gym and takes difficult child with him, sometimes he does not even do anything himself. How he is willing to go to the humane society and volunteer so easy child can. How he spurs me on when I want to quit. I smile when I think of how he sings in the shower, complete nonsense songs that god only knows how he makes up. His little mannerisms when someone says something that gets to him, he squeezes up his face and wrings his hands. How he cares so much for his friends, and tries to get them to stay on the right track when the stray.

    Linda, I cannot even imagine how much you must miss your husband. Remeber the good times, I imagine there were plenty.

    Gentle hugs
  19. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Timerlady, I want to send you a hug. It is my moms & her last husbands anniversary, both are now gone, & were when my younmgest brother was rather young. my anniversary was last week. I posted earlier today about issues RELATED to my husband.but HE was not my dissatisfaction. Not at all. My husband & I never got to have the early infatuation time.....we met in crisis (his) and crisis upon crisis, him as the only child hit hard & fast. I myself had been alone & had been on my own away from security & struggling for several years already. We tried in vain for children, as my husband is older than I am. It took quite awhile for us to stop haveing miscarriages and have children, but by that time, my dear precious best friend already began to slip away from me. Not physically, not thenm....but mentally, emotionally & cognitively. Not to alcohol or drugs but to combat PTSD delayed onset with catatonic fugues...lasting several years. A couple doctors diagnosed him early onset alzheimers. My sweet best friend was mostly gone. our kids were preschool. I was on my own, no family help- no education, no resources. Wed already buried his parents. To say Life was extremely difficult is an understatement. As doctors tried to help my husband, he became quite combative, angry, ugly. As such most everyone I did have in my life deserted me becuz I chose to stay with my dear man that I knew was inside this shell. But my husband was not really in that shell exactly, & it was 20 long hard years of seeing his physical presence in appearance & often just a bump on a chair or sometimes an angry babbling drooling peeeing idiot on a chair. Meanwhile I struggled with my difficult child and my easy child and my tiny son........and the schools, & working 12- 18, even 20 hours a day to financially provide our shelter food & sometimes medications. sometimes extremely expensive medications. juggling my work around behavior mod doctors for difficult child and husband.....and psychiatrist appts and therapist and wrap and sass appts.....
    there were times I hated the man I also loved so dearly. I was always exhausted. I was totally alone in my personal life. we were so .hungry. we fell thru the cracks just barely above the limits for help. Sometimes I blamed my husband. I was overstressed. Then MY health failed massively, as you know. my dr felt the stress contributed to my condition. Our life here was SO out of control, SO difficult. Everytime I turned around people told me to dump my husband and things would be easier. Others who did not understand construed my husband behaviors as abuse. I considered it majjor illness, brain cancer was found from Agent Orange from his time in Military.......combined with the extreme PTSD. I just could not walk away from this man. He did not become how he was by his choice. But I can tell you, the VA is not very helpful with these types of diagnosis'es.

    OK shift forward - in august my husband had his 2nd heart attack (the first was very mild and MANY years ago) I was extremely blown away. Every once in awhile MY man peeks out of the fog & hell helives in inside his head......and for a short time, he can converse with me for a few minutes.
    I have difficult child here, with all her drama & issues and difficulties andpeculiarities. I struggle to educate my son on my own. I now take care of my new (almost 1 yr old) grandson. & I flare, some days so very very bad & some days I myself have to cry at my husband and my kids and tell them well, today I cannot move at all, so YOU need to bring ME water and hold it to my mouth. HA!

    Last nite.................

    Last nite my precious best friend my dear husband - had another heart attack. All I could think was OH NO, un un no way.NO! You cannot go yet. I havent really had my dear husband now in 20 years. I did bury a previous husband when I was 25 yrs old. I buried my mom & most fav aunt & also my best friend ? 3 ? years ago? Nope. I. AM. NOT. READY.

    Yes, I vent. It is extremely difficult to be as alone as I have been..........for so very long. BUT my husband is MINE. and my difficult child is MINE. and my goofy erratic easy child is MINE. and my son is MINE. I spend every minute almost of every single day taking care of them, no matter how hard it can be sometimes. BUT my husband is still my BEST friend, somewhere in there. He hasnt even held my hand in over 15 years. Doesnt matter.

    BUT when Im down & in the trenches, sometimes I have to vent. Life is hard. I have to let the steam out somewhere. to do so here at my husband or difficult child would only escalate them. That backfires.

    & my post & my issues were not becuz of my husband but rather by people who have the wonderful good luck to have not had to cope with mental illness or physical disabilities in themselves or close intimate loved ones or children. I so so so hate being told "theres a medication for that" theres a place to put people like that. Theres laws about that. I get so tired of hearing other people refer to my husband or my difficult child or my son or grandson as if they are inanimate objects just becuz they are not mentally or physically conforming and traditional and common. or becuz they mite be difficult or cause me work.

    I just wanted to let ya know..........I get frustrated. & I get "down" but oh oh oh. NOONE messes with MY loved ones.......becuz I TREASURE them dearly. & I treasuire every day, every minute. Last nite I held my breathe all nite. BEGGING that hospital to just give me my husband back.........imperfect as they mite think he is. Hes mine & I love him, I love him dearly.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs, Linda.}}}}}}}}}}}