I'm very scared

[Wiped Out]

and worried right now about easy child/difficult child.

She has been blowing up at the drop of a hat lately and not doing much of anything even with her alternative school where they have many less assignments.

In regards to her major disrespect at home we just found out she failed a course for not turning in assignments on time.

We aren't sure she will graduate. Right now husband is upstairs talking with her. She is crying and saying she hates herself and just wants to die. She said she is tired of feeling like a disappointment. We have always told her how much we love her, been there for her, offered our help, tried to set good guidelines. We have been far from perfect as parents. I feel like a failure right now.

I love her so much and am really scared. She doesn't cry easily. I just want to hold her but she is so angry with me.

I'm so scared right now.

 

[klmno]

Oh boy, do I understand this feeling- both hers and yours but in this case, I KNOW you didn't contribute to this. I am sorry you are all going thru it- I'd suggest not worrying so much about school grades right now. Focus on trying to get her good therapy, in my humble opinion. If it takes another year to get thru high school, it's not the end of the world.

 

[Fran]

I'm sorry for you Sharon. Having two difficult child's is just too much. Try to not take it personally even though I know it's hard to do. You have to wonder what is at the root of her displeasure with herself. Being a teenage girl is brutal from what I remember. I hope she listens to husband and starts to find her way out of the fog she seems to be in these last few years.
She is a bit of a mystery isn't she?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Sharon,

hugs from one mother to another for your pain.

We have to wear that rhino skin from time to time with these difficult children because we can do and say everything right, but when it boils down to it they are in charge of what they do and what they say. Her feelings are just that, her feelings. They don't represent what you present. The sadness here is not that you haven't done everything you could, but that she feels you haven't. That she believes you feel she is a disappointment is not on you. Remember that she is angry with you because you won't walk away, you haven't given up. I think a call for some intensive, like a couple days a week, talk therapy is in order. It's what really helped pull my difficult child out of this kind of darkness.

Question - I'm not sure I understand how she could have failed a course already? Are you talking midterm? Does she have time to recommit herself? Since this is an alternative program, I surprised this is a surprise. I would have thought there would have been communication were she in danger of failing.

As Fran said, your easy child/difficult child is a mystery - she's a complicated young woman. I hope husband is able to breach the barrier she seems to have up this evening. Sharon, non of us are perfect parents. I would be surprised if any of us wouldn't go back and do some things different. Goodness knows I wish I could. But I have known you for six years now and I know how hard you have worked with your children. I have seen how devoted that you and husband have been to not only providing them with the medical and academic supports they need, but also providing a loving home with "normal" activities and lots of family togetherness.

This is not you failing Sharon, this is your daughter struggling. I pray you find some answers/solutions very soon. Hug difficult child, hug difficult child, and give it a tad bit of time and easy child/difficult child will welcome your arms as well.

Hugs,
Sharon

 

[hearts and roses]

(((Sharon))) I can recall so many nights sitting up with difficult child when she was this age - and she also had just begun at the charter school, out of district and a very new environment/kids. Even though she felt comfortable there, she also felt like she was now part of a group of misfits - all the kids seemed to be 'different' than her local HS. It was a lot for her to take in without feeling as if she wasn't a good enough student. I remember her asking me why we didn't tell her she was retarded. It really took me back, she was so down on herself. It took repeated talks to help her feel at ease with the move...and reminders that she was part of the decision process as well. It didn't end there, but it did eventually get better.

I hope that talking with your easy child helps her along to feeling better about herself and her placement at the alternative school. And maybe a call to the school director is in order just to keep an eye on her for you as well. Hugs, I totally know how it feels to feel like a failure - I think we all do.

 

[whatamess]

((Sharon)) Thinking of you and your family~

 

[tiredmommy]

Sending {{{hugs}}}. Have you put in a call to her therapist? It sounds like she may be at the point where she needs more intensive support right now. by the way, you are a great mom.

 

[smallworld]

Hi Sharon, I'm so sorry. I understand why you're worried.

Last week I heard Dr. Kenneth Towbin, a psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health in Bethesda, MD, speak about childhood mood disorders. He said that only 50 percent of depressed children respond positively to SSRI antidepressants (it's actually higher for anxious children). That number really surprised me. So in spite of all the medical treatment your easy child/difficult child is receiving, it may really not be working. It's something to consider.

I also agree with Jo that there may be an element of feeling different or giving up now that she's at the alternative school. When my son was placed in a self-contained program for socially and emotionally fragile high schoolers at age 15, he completely shut down because he felt like a fish out of water. I wonder if that might be going on with your easy child/difficult child as well.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I hope you can figure out a way to reach her.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs for you and easy child/difficult child. I also wondered how she could fail a course this early in the semester. Can she make it up somehow?

 

[flutterby]

Sharon,

Having lived with depression myself, and having raised (and raising) 2 children with depression the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to lower your expectations for easy child/difficult child right now. When you're depressed *everything* is overwhelming, and you're already beating yourself up for everything to begin with. So, when you're overwhelmed and can't do what is expected of you, you have even more reason to beat yourself up.

One of my worst episodes was when I was 16. I had major suicidal ideation and dissociation going on. I missed an average of one day of school a week - sometimes more. I didn't do homework because I just couldn't cope. And I really didn't care. About anything. The only reason I didn't fail is because homework didn't count for that much of your grade at my school, and I always did well on tests - and you can make those up if you miss them.

But, if she fails this class right now it's only one quarter and she can still pass it by the end of the school year. If she doesn't graduate on time, it's not the end of the world. It's not what we think of when we are raising our kids, but in my opinion health comes before education. There is always time to make up classes and graduate. Trying to harm herself, or even thinking about wanting to, is much more devastating.

I'm not saying to just let school go completely; just to realize that right now it's not the most important issue. I know we look to our kids' futures and want them to be successful in school in order to have a successful future. Some of our kids just have to get there on a different timeline.

FWIW, I was very angry at my mom, too. We had screaming matches like you wouldn't believe. Now? I talk to her almost every day.

(((hugs)))

 

[Wiped Out]

Thank you everyone-I'll respond more later but have to get ready for work in a bit (would love to respond individually-I really do appreciate all of your comments and support). husband did get easy child/difficult child to calm down some last night. He is going to contact school today and I will call therapist and psychiatrist.

Her alternative school doesn't run on semesters so I think that is why she can already fail the course. I was a bit surprised since we had not received any notice and I thought the counselor we talked to last year said that we would know if something wasn't going well because the teachers do a really good job of letting parents know. All of her courses are pass/fail-no letter grades.

She says she loves this school and feels like she really fits in so I'm not sure what is going on. .

We are still very worried and hope today will shed more light on things.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Hope husband is able to get some insight.

It's good that easy child/difficult child says she loves the school and feels she fits in. That's in the plus column.

Have fun with your associates tonight - you need it.

Sharon

 

[timer lady]

Sweetie, lots of wisdom has been shared here.

As the mom of the tweedles I understand your fears. Your easy child/difficult child has tried so hard to prove herself - to be the good one, unattached from difficult child. I expect she's been fearful that if difficult child pushes to hard not only will he be removed but she'll go as well.

Adopted kids have this fear very deep down & rarely share it. kt insisted that wm wasn't her twin; that she had no clue who he was for the first year after we adopted them. kt, in no way, wanted to be part of wm's "antics". In the meantime, kt did her best to hold it together - "be the good girl". In the end, she couldn't hold it in any better than wm.

I expect that easy child/difficult child is having some of those same fears. Now that she's struggling academically her fears have grown. AND her ability to maintain & keep herself separate from difficult child has lessened. The end result being an incredibly difficult transition into womanhood with a difficult child brother, her fear of disappointing mom & dad.

Sharon, honey, I've been thru this ad nauseum with the tweedles. They've switched roles time & again. You & husband are wonderful parents. easy child/difficult child will come into her own. She may not achieve in the normal time frame her peers do ~ she will be her own person.

 

[TerryJ2]

Just wanted to send hugs. Let us know what happens today.

 

[ML]

I'm coming in late but wanted to add my support. You are a wonderul mom, please don't blame yourself and know in your heart you are doing the best you can.

 

[Wiped Out]

Not much more to update. I did put a call in to therapist today but missed her call when I was at dinner tonight. She spoke briefly with husband and wants me to call her again tomorrow. When I did get home tonight (late because of dinner) she was very moody. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday (however, she asked if I was going to keep my free gift from Sephora because it was eyeliner-hmmmm).

I'll update more tomorrow. Going to bed soon, tomorrow is another day!

 

[Shari]

Just adding a hug. I think you're a wonderful mom.

 

[Wiped Out]

Quick update-I did talk to her therapist yesterday and she saw easy child/difficult child last night. easy child/difficult child was very angry that we set up the appointment. I'm hoping to hear from the therapist today.

 

[barneysmom]

Sharon,

Coming in late. I feel such a soft heart for your easy child/difficult child. Adolescence is so hard for our kids, I read that the adolescent brain is very busy re-pruning itself in preparation for adulthood. Especially hard if there is a mood disorder on board, plus adoption issues hit with a bang in adolescents, at least they did in our house. Plus kids with "issues" can be behind in maturity because of all the other stuff they have had to deal with.

Regarding feeling like a failure -- I never felt like a failure because I knew for sure that I had done everything for my kids. Then I figured out that this was what was truly horrifying -- I did everything right, often at quite a cost to my person-hood and my health, and things still went down the toilet in a big way. And that any control I thought I had, over the years, was simply an illusion. This was the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. My brain would only allow me to absorb this information a little bit at a time until I finally understood that my diligence wasn't guaranteed to influence the outcome all that much.

So --- you are right to be scared. It is terrifying isn't it? It's reality though. And it's nothing you could have controlled.

I'm still getting used to reality and I'm still pretty much terrified on a regular basis. I haven't posted for awhile (too terrified :~))

Some of what your easy child/difficult child is saying, is typical teen but so intensified by the other stuff -- major disrespect, anger are so typical teen but become hugely fueled by the other issues. Also some depression is typical teen and feeling like a disappointment if not living up to the cultural "standard" of what a teen is supposed to be like.

If she doesn't graduate -- maybe that will be OK. I think she would have done the work if she could have. Maybe she just cannot do it right now. Maybe you will have to let go of thinking of her as a easy child (maybe she knows she used to be a easy child and can't do it anymore). I did this with gfg13 -- he used to be a easy child, now he is a huge difficult child.

Having two difficult child's is really terrifying :~) but it will get easier as you wrap your mind around it -- as the denial slowly wears off . . . . :~)

You will be able to guide your daughter through this, doing the thing you do best, which is loving her, the same as you've been doing all along.

HTH some.

Jo

 

[busywend]

Just curious....where is she in her monthly cycle? I know with my difficult child EVERYTHING was heightened during that time.