In the same boat as many of you....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, May 24, 2010.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Warning: I am tired just finished 20 hours of a class..will graduate in a month (long/positive story :D)

    Anyway, a difficult child update of sorts. difficult child has moved a zillion times. We have discussed with- her the idea of going to a group home. She refuses and it gets ugly.

    She is on disability, so by and large, she has money to stay in efficiencies. Not too long ago, since she has moved so much, she ran out of money and for 4-5 weeks, stayed with "friends." This was basically a disaster and she lost everything (TV, etc.) All she has left are her cats and a small amount of clothing.

    difficult child landed on her feet in a HUGE/MAJOR WAY. It is unreal. This has happened to her a few times. I ALWAYS say the girl has a guardian angel...there is no doubt.

    Her old boyfriend's parents who live in a HUGE wonderful home (but are currently having their own money problems themselves) asked her to stay with- them. She is in their former maid's quarters. difficult child keeps her cat in their garage. They give her dinner 5 nights a week. difficult child has repeatedly had difficulties with food, etc. They let her use the laundry there. We were going to buy her a refrigerator, cause they were not letting her use theirs. She CAN use their pool.

    HOWEVER, they have rules and are rather strict. The rules are that she can't have anyone over and the other rule is that she has to be in by 11 p.m.

    Well, WE have been thrilled for her. Silly us. She is in basically a mansion. This place is relatively near us. It is walled in. She has a/c, is safe, extra food, the people are nice to her, a place for her cats, is near the bus, her doctors, the food store, us, etc.

    Guess what? difficult child called yesterday hysterical and said she is moving PRONTO. She does not have enough money to move this second, but I suppose will at the beginning of next month is she can convince the next place to let her move with-o a security deposit.

    She is thinking of moving in with- the son of the people she is living with- now. They want nothing to do with- their son. He has many many problems and has caused difficult child many many problems in the past. He is an abusive alcoholic. Thoughts?

    We are stepping back. WE told difficult child if she makes this decision, just for the sake of our own sanity, we are pulling back even further, which is pretty far back as it is. Not sure if this was the right move or not, but it is what it is. Retreating into survival mode. Can't be dragged down (energy drain).

    Her psychiatrist has abandoned her, we got a new one, difficult child missed an apt. and now the woman will NOT call her back! husband even called and she wont call HIM back. All of this is actually illegal....but again, I am drained. THIS,h owever, I might do something about. She has a right to her medication. Thoughts?

    I'm wondering about a dual diagnosis: Bipolar (already diagnosis'd) and Borderline. Just thinking "out loud." It's very hard to say.

    Forlorn and hurting this moment...but as per usual...I will regroup shortly. I have so much to do and a great desire to keep moving forward.
    Lasted edited by : May 24, 2010
  2. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    Nomad, congrats on the upcoming graduation. Nice job.

    Through her hysteria, did you find out why she is moving "pronto"?
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you...I am excited re: the degree. :)

    Nope. Drama, to be sure. To create an urgency...likely. She did NOT say anything specific, yet there is this weird "urgency" in her speech.
    Trying to read between the lines a bit. It's exhausting sometimes.
    I think it is a combination of things. A little bit because of the rules. A lot more because she is hopeful to get back with- the boyfriend and this is the house owner's son. They do not want anything to do with him and WILL get upset if they find out she is associating with him. AND perhaps she is hoping to move IN with the old boyfriend.
    Correction: She could get an efficiency and he could/would move in with her.
    There is a decent chance he is homeless. She might even feel guily living in his former house. It's a $#@! soap opera.
    Problem is...she's done this before and it was a disaster.
    So #$@! draining.
  4. Bean

    Bean Member

    Yikes. It doesn't really sound like there is too much you can do in the situation besides the standard detachment (which you're doing), and watching the trainwreck unfold. The psychiatrist thing though might be worth calling the office manager there and finding out what the deal is. (Like the rules, and if the psychiatric's no-contact thing is the standard procedure or what -- especially if it is disrupting your kid's regular drug schedule.)
  5. First, CONGRATULATIONS for all your hard work toward your degree here's a bunch of hugs for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Second. I'm sorry your difficult child is going through this and dragging your heart through the mess with her.

    Detachment... easier said than done.

    I'm noticing I've been going through seasons... where I want to know what's up with my legally adult difficult children and seasons where I seriously cannot bear to hear a speck of what they are doing in their lives.

    I'm still looking for the "off" switch as far as love and caring go... because it seems that is where most of our pain and suffering comes in.

    I'm encouraged by the parable of the prodigal son... His Father doesn't go chasing after him... he prays, watches and waits.

    That's what we've been doing... praying and waiting. We hope our two will not need to have rebellious adult-children of their own to understand all that is going on!!!!!

    Healthy people don't keep making these horrible decisions. It has been helpful for me to better understand the nuances of our difficult children' mental illness. When my anger/frustration arises, I do my best to direct it away from my mentally ill children and focus it with purpose towards making a difference with other families who are enduring their type of mental illness.

    I've been reaching out to other adoptive parents with younger kids and trying to share with them what techniques we've had success with. We had 10 beautiful years! I've been reaching out to encourage those parenting pre-adolescents with Reactive Attachment Disorder to seek help from counselors that understand Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and will support the parents in their role before the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-kids reach an age where parental rights fly out the window.


    I'm so glad to see you moving on with your life, finishing your degree and building a beautiful future!!!!

    I pray you'd have wisdom on how to best deal with your difficult child's struggles.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Congratulations on the degree! 20 hours is a LOT to be finishing up!! YOU deserve a nice bubble bath with a good book or some soothing music and a nice snack and favorite HMJ!

    My mind boggles at your difficult child's decisions. I have no words of wisdom, just some gentle hugs.
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Your daughter does sound like she could be Borderline (BPD). I have been researching it a lot and have become firmly convinced that is the root of my difficult child's problems, also. I found a wonderful site with a very active message board and lots of great information. I will PM you the website since I am not sure I can post it here.

    I don't have any answers for you but it does sound like you may have to pull back even further. It's so, so sad to watch them self-destruct.


  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    TALAN: I have similar sentiments...going back and forth, etc. Detachment has helped me. We do hope to help her with- getting to a psychiatrist, but might limit it to that. Also, I have been told that all adopted children have issues with attachment. However, sometimes the issues are more severe. Our daughter's issues with- attachment always seemed rather minor, but lately they are more prominent.

    Kathy: The borderline thing has crossed my mine for the past year or two. Thank you for mentioning it.

    Susie/Bean/Cakewalk: It is interesting to look at the potential motives here. All disturbing. The more I detach, the easier it is. I really don't feel I have much choice. I do hope she can get to a doctor and will do my best (as long as it doesn't hurt me) to provide some assistance with that. I feel she needs her medication and is entitled to receive medical treatment.

    Thank you everyone...doing better today.
    Lasted edited by : May 25, 2010
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I don't think there is anything you can do except state the obvious "why would you leave safe, clean, secure for unstable lifestyle?" and just not listen to the drama. If this were the first year she was on her own, I might be more open to help but she has survived tons of drama and stupid mistakes before. She is street saavy and knows how to figure things out.
    Just shrug your shoulders and focus on your own accomplishments. She always finds shelter, food and friends(sort of).