Interesting Developments

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 28, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Travis called me tonight. He asked me if I thought it was a good idea for him to take classes at the community college that will transfer to Wright State next year instead of living on campus. Real life has taught him some valuable lessons. 1. Budgeting money for a whole year is hard. 2. the real world is expensive.

    He's out of living money. He's waiting on his W2 to file his taxes for his refund to live off that. He put in an application at Meijers for a job. The kid is broke and running out of food.

    He said he discovered he can't live on his own. I object to that. I think he's done an awesome job of doing just that. Maybe not perfect. But that's the way life is. What looked to him to be alot of money to live on......turned out to be not nearly enough. Big lesson learned. He didn't really do anything just ran out because it really wasn't enough to begin with. (which is what I was so worried about back in sept)

    I can't do much about it right now. I've got no spare cash. I may call easy child and see if she could go up this weekend and let him shop at aldi's for enough to hold him until his tax return. But I don't know how she is for spare cash at the moment either. So we'll just have to see about that.

    I no more than got off the phone with Travis then Nichole had called. During the course of our talking we wound up discussing her relationship with boyfriend......such as it is. She is about done with boyfriend I believe. Fed up with his spoiled childish ways and his blaming everything on her while he does nothing to contribute or to "work together as a team" as he likes to call it. Gag me.:tongue:

    The girl is definately feeling trapped. She's regretting not getting her own apartment without boyfriend. She confessed she's tried to get him to leave several times and he refuses to go. Police won't make him go because she didn't listen and put him on the lease.

    I told her she needs to start putting back money for her own place then. But if it gets bad.......and she's certain she's done, finished, kiput.......and just can't be there anymore that she is not ever trapped. She is to come here. And if she has to sleep in a sleeping bag on the living room floor we will make it work until we can get her into her own place. A one time offer. I'm no one's revolving door. But no daughter of mine will ever be "trapped" into a relationship with a man simply because she has nowhere to go.:surprise:

    I know, I know. Maybe that makes me the biggest svcker on the block. But that is the way I am and I'm not going to change now.

    Nichole didn't commit one way or the other. I didn't expect her to. We talked about a lot of stuff. We talked about how hard she's worked to grow up and mature and be responsible, while boyfriend has not moved forward in any of those areas in all the years they've been together. I explained to her that it is possible to care very much for someone and still not be able to be in a relationship with them or live with them. How if she walks away it doesn't mean she's failed because everyone knows she gave it 100 percent.

    She has a lot to think about. And now she can do that thinking knowing that she is not without a place to go if that is what she must do.

    If I'm wrong I guess it will be on my head. But God help me I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't let her think she had no where to go. Not with knowing the manipulative games boyfriend plays with her head. Nope. Couldn't do it.

    She may never take me up on the offer. But sometimes just knowing the offer is there makes you brave enough to make the right decisions.

    And with a voice choked with tears she told me I'm the best Mom ever. That spoke volumes.

    I knew what I was opening myself up for when I made the offer. So sling it at me. Detachment went right out the window. husband is furious with me. I haven't seen him turn that many shades of red in years. I didn't argue the point. It's not up for debate. But my daughter will never be made to feel that she has to stay in a relationship with an abusive manipulative *astard simply because she has no where else to turn. Told husband if he doesn't like it to not let the door hit him in the :censored2: on the way out.

    It's been a loooong day. whew
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Lisa, if my mom hadn't let me come home, I don't know how long it would have taken me to leave easy child's dad. I didn't have the money to live on my own. When I left him, I had just lost my job, and I came home with a fat lip and red marks around my neck.

    There is a difference between detaching and allowing your child to be safe. Huge difference.

    I hope that Travis can find a way to make ends meet. It's hard times for everyone.

  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I don't think you did the wrong thing by Nichole at all. And I think you gave her good advice.

    Sounds like Travis is growing up and gaining some valuable perspective :)

    It may be a bumpy time right now for those two, but they'll get through these growing pains eventually. How YOU fare on the other side of it, well, I hope you can just take it one day at a time.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Lisa... you did the right thing with Nichole. Absolutely.

    Can Travis receive emergency assistance (food stamps) from social services?
  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I agree - I think giving Nichole a safe place to go if she needs to leave an abusive relationship is the right thing. You can put whatever rules and boundaries on it you like, but the bottom line is what you said - it's most important for her to not feel trapped and like she has nowhere else to go when the relationship is abusive. Good for you.

    I sympathize about Travis. difficult child is finding the same thing. He's learned the value of a dollar but he's stretching the heck out of too few of them. He's waiting for SSI but that won't be a wonderful solution - as you say, it's also not enough. :(
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks guys. :) It will be what it will be. But at least she knows the door is open.

    Travis spoke about food I don't know if he'll end up trying to get them or not. I'm not sure how that would work with him and the room mates/ campus housing and all that. Never done it under those circumstances. But he is open to disability this time. :)

    He should get back everything he paid in for taxes. And that should come to quite a bit of money. Enough to hold him for a while if he's careful. And when I get my FASFA refund I may treat him to a shopping trip to aldi's as well, which would help.

    I had to smile when he told me he now realizes he pays more to live on campus than he does for the classes he takes. lol Yup. That's how it works. But I still think he's done well and it's been a huge learning experience for him.

    I've got to make myself go to bed. tomorrow is clinical day and I have to get up at 4 am. ugh
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and strength to Nichole.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    No one should feel like they are trapped in a relationship with no place to go. You did the right thing. -RM
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, I dont blame you one bit for telling Nichole she could come home. No one should feel they have no where to go if they are in an absolutely horrible position. Wouldnt you do it at the drop of the hat if she was injured badly? Of course! No difference to me.
  10. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You know, some of us just need a hand sometimes. If my mom had not let my whole family move into her house, we would be homeless. I have always worked, but with treatment for difficult child and husband I could not make ends meet. I did not want to choose bills over treatment, as that would be horrible for my family as a whole. husband and I would end up divorced, difficult child would be failing in school and probably in juvey, and I would be very very angry and bitter.

    Life is very very hard and unfair.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Not only is there an Aldi's close but also a Save A Lot just up the road the other direction. So there are a couple of choices.

    Tell Travis not to shop at Meijer too much. They tend to be even more expensive than Kroger for the stuff he'll be looking at. I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not buying the same kind of thing I do - I have a house, he has a dorm room.

    And worst comes to worst? Give him my phone number - I PM'd it to you a while back. I'll be happy to help. :D