Is it just me?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Sep 7, 2008.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am going crazy. I try to ignore it but every once in a while I just blow!

    I hate working nights. I hate being awake all night and alone all day. I hate the weight of everything on my shoulders. I hate trying to find a way to pay the bills, clean the house, make appointments...and FIX things. The house is falling apart.

    husband does NOTHING. He comes home and either gives difficult child rides to friends, baseball (I do go there). husband pays no bills, FIXES NOTHING. I nag for years to fix one stupid thing. Took 1.5 years for him to finally glue the tub surround back on the wall. There are so many things falling apart that he is able to fix, but he doesn't. He is waiting for ME to call someone to do it. WE don't have the money. Doesn't he GET IT.

    IF difficult child is at a friends, he calls him. I understand it is ok to check in. But husband will walk outside if I am there. Won't talk infront of me.
    husband calls difficult child at school twice a day. His 30 minute break and his lunch break. (they ARE allowed to use there phones during this time) difficult child Has been going outside at break times. He said the school is really cold (air conditioned) so he goes out to warm up. That will change soon as the weather is cooling down rapidly. But husband NEVER calls me.

    Last night I lost it. I leave for work at 11pm 3/4 days a week. I get home at 1pm the next day. When I leave husband is usually in bed sleeping with the TV on. When I go to sleep he cooks dinner, does dishes, watches TV, vaccuums. I often complain that I cannot sleep during the day because neighbors are out doing yard work, kids playing, etc.
    Yesterday he cuts the grass. He could of waited until today when I am off. I only slept 2 or 3 hours and got up. Then asked when he was going to bed. I wait for him. Go in bed with him, put on the TV and he covers his ears. I ignore it, then he takes the pillow and puts it over his head. I LOST it. He and difficult child can lay there and watch movies and sleep when I go to work, Or he can fall asleep with the TV on when I am leaving, but god forbid I put the TV on when he goes in there. Most of the time when I am off he sleeps on the couch. Has for 14 years.

    So, I get up. It is 1am. (I am off for 4 days) I put on the TV. Oh...don't make any noise, it might wake him or difficult child. Don't talk to the dogs, don't make anything to eat.

    Yet I don't expect them to whisper and not do anything when I sleep. And they wouldn't THINK of being quiet.

    I HATE being alone. I HATE having to fix everything. I HATE working nights. I do it to survive. I HATE seeing him ignore me. I HATE seeing him do anything difficult child asks. I HATE seeing the house fall apart. I HATE paying the bills. I HATE sleeping alone. WE go nowhere. Not even movies. I hate being alone and not having a life. Never ever go anywhere. Unless it is for difficult child. I can't take it.

    Is it just ME? Am I just losing it? I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore.

    Ok. Thanks for listening. Think I'll go to a restaurant, drink coffee, read the paper. Maybe even find someone to talk to.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Kjs, {{hugs}}
    You need to put a plan in place for you and your husband. Put it in writing. Tell him you want to meet with-him for a pow wow. I would have been in counseling way b4 this. Maybe you have been?
    In the plan I would work out an agreement about the TV. My husband and I agreed b4 we were even married that there would be no TV in the bedroom. Period. He tends to bring the laptop in there but if I want to go to sleep, it will be turned off. We have similar hrs, so that helps.
    Your schedules are difficult under any circumstances. with-a difficult child it only gets worse.
    Have you asked husband why he leaves the rm to talk to difficult child? Does he think you're going to interrupt the conversation?
    My husband doesn't fix anything, either. Every now and then I can get him to help me if I'm in the middle of something and I shout because I'm going to drop it. Literally. :)
    We pay for a handyman. Then husband complains about the price. I tune him out. I'd rather have the work done. (We can put it on a credit card.)
    Can you leave your difficult child home alone for 2 hrs while you and husband go to a movie? Or can you find a movie that all 3 of you want to see, and will difficult child behave?
    Personally, I love going out alone. I go to B&N for a chai and to read, or I'll go to a local restaurant and have lunch and a glass of wine. Most of the time I call a friend, but not always.
    It makes a big difference. Wish I lived closer. *I'd* see a movie with-you. :)
  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Well, you could have a husband that tries to fix everything and either makes it worse or leaves his 20 projects half done.:angry-very:

    No, you're not losing it. You have a right to feel like you do. Sometimes for me it's very helpful for me to vent in the form of a letter. You don't forget things like you would if you're in the midst of a meltdown.

    I can't sleep with ANY noise or light in the room hence me sleeping in the other bedroom. husband has the TV (both livingroom and bedroom) on, lights on in every room in the house and gets up several times during the night. I used to get upset. Now, I have my own room. :)

    BUT, the BIGGEST thing that arritates me is when I have the luxury to sleep past 6am, he gets up and gets the birds up. THEY MAKE LOTS OF NOISE!! This is following by him cussing and yelling at them to shut up. Yeah...that works. If I'm up before him, I literally tip toe around the house so the birds don't know I'm up.

    I usually go outside to talk on my cell simply because it's so noisy I can't hear.

    Good luck to you. I think you have a lot of company on these issues.

  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    No, I don't think your crazy, just in a disconnected pattern because of working a grave yard shift maybe. Doesn't your husband work at all or is he a house husband? I can't recall.

    Its easy to fall into a rut in a relationship - one gets so busy doing what they need to do and you don't realize stuff is bothering you until the little stuff that bothers or irritates starts piling up.

    Something needs to change, and you are going to have to be the one who initiates it (yeah, I know, one more thing thats fallen to YOU, but men seem in general to be a little "clueless" at times when it comes to figuring out there is a relationship problem and what should a do about it)

    I can only imagine how difficult it is when your pattern is being awake all night and everyone elses pattern is sleeping - 4 days off in a row isn't going to change that one easily. I have no ideas - I HATE just lying in bed awake- a few hours of sleep will do just fine for me and I am up and outta there, wandering around the house doing stuff or playing on the computer. And I really hate having a TV in the bedroom-SO if he can't sleep won't get up and go to another room, he turns the darn thing on and then "I" have to get up and go into another room cause once I am awake, I'm awake. If I don't I find myself grinding ing my teeth to the sounds of NASCAR racing and my irritable factor raises sharply.

    Maybe you need to set down some parameters and insist that you and husband spend some quality time together and reconnect. I always have a hard time with that as SO and myself have almost nothing in common when it comes to doing what he considers "fun" and I consider "fun" stuff together.

  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<<hugs>>> sweetie, I remember feeling that way, although I was not working nites. My X worked and that was just about it, unless he came home hungry then he'd normally fix himself dinner even if I already had something planned. He was not very involved in difficult child's lives at all, so i can't relate there about all the phone calls. I realize now, I am not a new single Mom, I was kinda living the life of one for the 16 years I was married.

    Do talk to your husband, do let him know how you feel, do do this while you're out having dinner or brunch and you're both relaxed, it will be a neutral place and you'll both be less stressed! and how old is difficult child? Can he be recruited to help out around the house? Easier said then done I know. I am so jealous of my friend who has a 16 y/o easy child son that cooks dinner every nite and does 1/2 of the laundry and house keeping.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Are we married to the same man???? It really stinks.

    Now, for the past 2 years I've been practicing acting like husband and the kids. I cook when I feel like it, and what I want to cook. I clean when I feel like it and what I want to clean. I do laundry when I want, and usually it's just MY stuff.

    husband flips on the bedroom light every morning at 3 am when he dresses for work. Now I turn it on at 11pm when I'm dressing for bed. This doesn't count the times I come into the room to put things away. lol

    It's taken 2 years for husband and the kids to get the idea Mom is no longer going to be taken for granted. Nichole has been voluntarily helping with the big cleaning the past 2 weeks. husband was so grateful for supper last night he did the dishes without a word.

    Oh, and now at 3 am he can miraculously dress in the dark. :faint:

    It's happening in spurts, but it's happening. Personally I never expected it to. I was just fed up with being treated like dung in my own house.

    Like my gramma says : Don't get mad, get even. lol

    Sorry they're too stupid to appreciate you.

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I found myself reading your post and thinking back to my first marriage. It was awful. So when I decided to finally start dating again and met DF, I was just amazed at his abilities to "fix" things (NOW) and go to dinner and take time off to come see ME, talk, help me around the house, with difficult child. It was amazing and short lived.

    DF had a work related injury and had back surgery. We moved into the house we live in now shortly after. About a year later the landlords were loosing the house even though we paid on time, and foreclosure was at hand. DF had drug so much junk and "Projects" home that he literally went into tears when I mentioned moving. (It was the drugs).

    Nine years later - nothing is still done, the house is falling apart, and I'm capable of doing the repairs but he gets very upset with feelings of being worthless. So I've let it go, and let it go to the point where now I am having to figure out HOW to barter to get the work done and do some/most of it myself.

    I want to move out of here, SC. I want to be with my Mom in OH. But I can't get him to move his arse, and when he can? He does in dribs and drabs and yeah - it makes me angry. My Mom says I've settled. I said I 'adjusted', to life with someone on pain medication so much so that we hardly talk. When he's not taking all the medication - things DO get done, but his memory is so shot like swiss cheese he gets frustrated and then that's the end of the attempt.

    I have an old car 19 years now, that I've kept going despite everyone screaming get a new one - and while I would love to get a new one - I want to scream at the government and SSI - because it took them 5 years to determine and award his disability. So by now? My credit is shot. I don't feel well, I have lousy insurance,I hate my job, I have a kid that is probably looking at 15 years tomorrow in court.....and for 10 cents I'd pray that lightning would strike the house just so I could get out of it and move.

    So I know how you feel........and it stinks,,,,,,and I don't have any solutions for you or I would use them myself. But maybe just knowing that you aren't alone helps - because up until this post I figured our numbers were small.......

    Yet - somehow I manage to paste a smile on my face, get up and go to work every day and I'm currently looking for job #2 because with the cost of gas and food I'm scared.....and maybe if I get job #2 - I can hire someone to fix the house, get out of here......put a little cash back for a new car.......and things will be better. As far as housework?

    I was part of a post here a while back that was "cleaning' house. Throwing out things - and simplifying. I did that in 2 rooms - I got rid of EVERYTHING but the bare essentials......and now? Cleaning in those 2 rooms are a snap........Knickknacks be dammed. - I'm a swiffer house cleaner now.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    KJS -

    I'm going to be blunt. Nothing has changed with your husband since you joined and you're still miserable. How much longer do you want to live like that?

    You can't change him. You can only change yourself and how you react to him.

  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I hate to state the obvious, but you are living alone......sounds like your husband moved out (mentally) from the marriage a long time ago........ You need to decide if there is ANY value is staying married, cause if you are paying for everything, arranging for maintenance and most other things, sounds like you could do without the extra baggage...... I know I'm being blunt here, but sounds to me that you wouldn't have a problem living on your own....... The other thing you might do is join some kind of group, book club, fishing club, drag racing, take a class .......anything you may have an interest in......for the company of others........doesn't have to cost $$$$$, but just give you a little companionship with the outside world. Sounds like you have to make some hard decisions..... is it better to stay or go? Hoping you can find some peace in the coming days.....
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2008
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any great advice. I'm sorry you are hurting so. It isn't you and you are not losing it. husband should not be treating you this way. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to agree with heather on this one. You have been posting about this for quite awhile and I dont see much chance of this changing. I get irritated my spouse on a regular basis but we do give and take and work things out. Its not all completely one sided. If one of us did all the work and the other took all the wouldnt work.
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    No it is not just you.

    Truth is, you are in a very bad spot. Serenity prayer 1. Can you change it? If so, 2. May God grant you the courage.

    Some things are too big for us to change and we have to figure out a way to accept them and live with them. Number 1 Remove all Expectations. He will not change. You must create a life for yourself either with him or without. I know that dumping a guy isn't ez and it could bring along an entire new reality that is just as bad or even worse. Join clubs or take classes. Keep up working out and taking care of you. Because you are so worth it. Love ML
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No, it isn't just you. That was pretty much my life with Useless Boy. We've been divorced for about 15 years, when I realized I was too young to be raising a child that was three years older that I, and that I was basically doing it all anyway. I know I would never have been able to buy this house if we'd stayed together, or go back to school, or do any of the other things that have enriched my life. Instead, I'd still be hauling his skinny butt around behind me.

    It's not easy, but you need to decide what you want for you. It might be staying together, it might not be. Relationships don't work if only one person is working on them.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I found a lot of help for dealing with my DEX, who was much like this, in the Self Matters book by Dr Phil (normally not a fan of his, but this was a really good book).
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are hurting. You really have been posting about feeling this way since you came here. I hope you can find some way to bring about changes that you are happy with. I think working with a therapist might be very good. Either a marriage therapist for you and husband or just a therapist for you if he won't go - that iwll help you figure out what you need to be happy and how to get it.


  16. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I don't mean to keep this post going, but there were some questions and I hadn't had the time to answer.

    Yes I know I have posted about this before. I have gone to counseling many times and more disgusted when I leave that I don't go back. Plus the money is a big deal.

    Yes I have insurance, but when you live pay day to pay day and you get $1000 bills from tests, and other things it just adds up. husband's tests were well over 10K prior to insurance. difficult child's tests over 5K. Dentist for me over 500. Not to mention the radiolists bills, ER doctor bills...etc. Then the gas, car repairs, insurance....more and more.

    husband makes about half of what I do, but I could NOT survive without that money. He does put it in the bank but I pay the bills. And just the basic bills are being paid at this time.

    husband is now home in the mornings since difficult child has to get up. Hahaha...I have to laugh to myself. He goes in and bends down and says "honey, time to wake up" Like he did when he was TWO. I saw him do this twice. Then I got up, flipped on the light and said "UP - NOW". The kid is in HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!

    husband is never wrong. Yelling at me this morning about a baseball game difficult child went to. Telling me it was Saturday. (there was a bigger issue to this). He went on and on about how I know nothing, he knows it was Saturday..blah, blah. I walked over to the counter. Picked up his ticket stub and handed it to him. Then he saw it was not Satuday, and went on to yell about something else. AGGGHHHH. But, no - I cannot make it without the money he contributes. Just need him to get off his lazy butt and do something. ANYTHING.