Isolating son I am weak but strong

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My son had completed a three month inpatient treatment program. Boy was I proud of him. He came back a new man. He had goals he went to meetings. He is my beautiful son. So I let him come back home. The agreement was only until after the holidays a short three months. He went to meetings reconciled with old friends . All is good. He met their wives and kids. He tries to get hired with one of the old friends, hes excited. Until his background full of processing of drugs and control dangerous substances the company is not interested now. Damn!

    So goodluck on his side he ran into his old boss and she agreed to rehire him but only if he stays clean. Great! All is good again! Hes has a routine hes working saving money...

    Were getting ready for Thanksgiving and college football...than out of all the excitement I have a heart attack BOOM. Praise God I'm doing great now! Thankfully, I was rushed to the ED without any damage and one stent placed to right coronary artery. My son showed very little emotion or empathy towards me. He refused to see me in the hospital. When I came home he said very little to me. He began to isolate in his room. I was weak on new medications not working and scared for my future. PTSD became my new diagnosis. I felt noticed every little pain, rumbling, heart beat I had. I also was diagnosed with rheumatoid disease. More medications more side effects.
    Needless to say, I was not focused on my son. I turned the cheek or had a blind eye for a few months. I was focused on regaining my strength excepting my new diagnosis and cocktail of medications at the age of 48. I'm making lifestyle changes and feeling better! I'm getting stronger now. I returned to work only partime but I'm there. I'm working on my diet and exercise. All while my son is isolating in his room. Why is he not going to work? Why is he refusing to go to Thanksgiving? When before he was so thrilled about seeing all the family?
    When I asked about the job he simply said that his position was closed until after the holidays. Okay so I wanted more details but my energy level just couldn't go ther . So I turned the cheek. I honestly believe my son was going through a depression. Shoot I was going through a depression myself. I get it. So I did nothing.

    Christmas is approaching I am feeling the need to be thankful that I am alive! The fog from my eyes the dizziness the weakness has lifted from my soul. I want to live again. I'm feeling like me but better again. My son is still isolating in his room. I cant take this crap anymore!
    He slept during the festivities at Christmas. He said he was sick. I accepted it. Now it's new year and he's still saying he's sick. Bullshit!

    My husband and I started to notice hes not sick he is high! We began to notice hes up all night and day. Hes not eating. Hes not coming out of the room. He has locked us out if the room! What do we do? Do I have the strength to tackle this? I have to do something!
    I confronted him and he denied. I kept on until he finally admitted he had relapsed. Damn, damn, damn! I said let's work out the steps go to detox, go to a meeting . He refused! He said he will detox at home. Few weeks went by and I noticed he is still doing dope!

    I have had it. I am debating do I call the cops and have him committed back to a mental hospital or kick him out? But the issue with the police is if he's calm and not a danger to others or self they wont take him. Unfortunately he has been calm. Ugh!
    Finally, I was home and he left. So I locked the doors. He knocked I didn't answer until my husband was home. We packed him a bag and told him to go to rehab and detox. He said he didn't want to. I explained to him hes not welcome here on drugs. Weird thing is ges so calm about it when before it was a fight to get him to leave. Back to my boundaries.

  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh my!

    I'm so glad that you are doing better health wise. Sometimes we need a wake up call!!

    I'm so sorry about your son. You and hubby are absolutely doing the RIGHT thing, by him and FOR him.

    Sometimes it takes MANY times at rehab before they get it. I'm not sure how old your son is but based on your age I am thinking early 20's?

    As many say, the first time plants the seed. Maybe even the second, third or fourth time!

    My son was in many rehabs and many therapies etc. etc. but he didn't want to change until we sent him away for a few years which was supposed to be sober living and college but he kept relapsing. At least I didn't have to SEE it. It hurt me each and every time of course.

    There is no black and white here. These stories are all different. Nothing is the same from family to family, person to person. We each have to find our own sweet spot of what works with our family and our loved one that is addicted.

    If you believe, turn him over to God. Let him know that you always love him and you will support him when he is doing the right thing and getting healthy.

  3. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I agree that you did the right thing. He has got to come to the end of himself. I am so glad you are recovering well from your medical emergency, and have taken the time to take care of yourself.

    Luckily, your son does know about recovery now having been to meetings. He knows where to go for help when he is ready. You were very clear with your expectations of him.
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Joysheph, I am so sorry for your health issues and troubles with your son.
    In my experience with my two, they just don’t do well living at home. It’s too easy, or too hard, or too well, anything. When their father battled with illness (three years or so) then passed, rather than that being a catalyst for change, they sunk deeper into their addiction.
    I don’t think addicts deal well at all with loved ones illness, especially if they are dependent on them. Instead of invoking empathy and a call to action, my two became more entrenched in their bad choices.
    I had to make the same decision you are, no drugs in my home. While I do love my two and pray for them, I cannot and will not house them. Too much water under the bridge. Stress level is way too high, and, they don’t care in their using state how that effects others.
    My two have not been to rehab. One is going next week straight from jail. We will see how that works out.
    Your son has had a taste of what that is. Hopefully he will choose to be sober. It is good you have set this boundary for him and for you. Although it is hard making him leave, living with the anxiety of his isolating, the attitude and disrespect, the drug use, all of that is unacceptable.
    A well adult child would see the need to help in your recovery, not add to stress. Unfortunately our waywards when using do not have the wherewithal to have that kind of compassion. I am sorry for the heartache of what you endured in your time of need. I will never quite be able to wrap my head around the pain of seeing my twos’ selfishness in their addiction during an awful time for our family. Drugs are mind and soul stealers.
    Much love to to you and prayers for health.
    Your son will have to figure out his path.
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  6. always worried mom

    always worried mom New Member

    I just joined this site - all of this sounds all too familiar - my son has been living in his car for approx. past 8 months. I am pretty sure he is still using, and still doesn't think he has any problem (that his issues are my fault), but he also is mentally ill, it's a double whammy. I read someone else's post too - how she worries about her son being cold because he's homeless...……..I so get it. It is very hard for other "normal" parents to understand what we go thru, you would think I would be use to that by now, my son has had issues since he was 3 yrs old. I remember kicking him out of our home many years ago, not easy. So much guilt, sadness (I have a daughter on the other end of the spectrum - graduated college, works F/T ). She is the one who pushed me to stop being Co dependent with him - Boundaries, that was your last word in your post...…..I've kept mine for 2 years now, but every day its a struggle - I can't even imagine the struggle he is going thru, even if he doesn't know it...…….so much life lost.
  7. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Oh hon. I'm sorry. I'm glad you are doing better. Keep good care of yourself.
    Did you end up letting him back in the house? Is he out on his own now?
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am not making excuses for him but he must have been very afraid.

    I am so glad you are better and recovering. Of course you had to attend to your own dire situation.
    I believe you are doing the exact right thing.

    He has to deal with himself, just as you have to focus on and take responsibility for your own healing.

    I agree with the others that relapse seems to be part of recovery. He has to rededicate himself to recovery. He will. He's gotten the tools and education while in treatment. He knows what to do. You have supported him to do the right thing. I believe he will.

    Take care and be well.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Welcome always worried mom!
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello AWM and welcome.
    I am sorry for your loss and struggles with the worry and heartache with your sons illness and addiction. It is a hard road we travel. You have landed in a place where folks understand the pain of it. I am glad you have set boundaries, that is half the battle, the other half is processing the grief of having an adult child living out there somewhere as they do, and learning to find our own meaning and joy.
    Much love and understanding sent your way. Sorry for your need to be here, but glad you have found us.
  11. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    You sound like a strong warrior of "the battle" so many of us are living through. I marvel that you were able to stay strong and not allow him back in. Unfortunately, that, in my personal opinion is the only way you will get stronger. You need to take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Don't feel selfish about setting boundaries for yourself. It hurts like heck, we will all agree. But it is a hurt that leads to some changes for us. We cannot let ourselves spiral down the black hole with them. Watching them stay in their rooms and isolate, hibernate and do drugs cannot be tolerated.

    I did that for so long with younger son. I was not strong, had a lot of other issues at home. All I could do was survive each day. He literally had the run of the house smoking pot constantly and selling it. INSANITY! We begin to feel like prisoners in our own homes.

    Stay strong and take care of yourself..sending prayers.

    always worried Mom...Welcome. You will find encouragement, strength and support here. My youngest has been homeless off and on for the last 3 yrs. Sometimes, living in his car (mostly) other times couch surfing. My older son, almost 31 lived in his car last yr. and "I believe" has finally found a place to live, probably not permanent but it gives me some comfort. Keep Posting.
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I am so glad you are okay. It was definitely time to put your needs first. I am sending wishes for a good outcome and applaud you for setting the boundaries. Maybe your son will find it's easier to get back on the horse of recovery. In healing
  13. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you all for the kind words. It really helps to be reminded that I deserve my boundaries and my sanity.
    I have not heard from him since. I have put it in Gods hands.
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  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi joy,

    Just saw this, and glad to hear that you are getting better.

    Just more reasons to guard your health and put yourself first!
  15. always worried mom

    always worried mom New Member

  16. always worried mom

    always worried mom New Member

    Thank you. Not so good on my boundaries today and my daughter was very angry with me. It just makes the grief part of it so much harder
  17. always worried mom

    always worried mom New Member

  18. always worried mom

    always worried mom New Member

    I don’t feel strong, was not a good nite. I have a warm bed , food when I want. He called his sister to say he hadn’t eaten in 2 days. Why doesn’t he utilize any of the info/ resources we have sent multiple times
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  19. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    Take care always worried mom. I wonder if it is helpful that your daughter passes on this information to you about his not eating if you are trying to make a boundary to protect you from the stress of the situation which you cannot control. I wonder how it might be if you asked her to only relay certain information helpful to you.
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2020
  20. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I have lived this a long time now. I am sure our kids eat. These wayward kids know where and how to get food, even if we didn't cook it for them. They can go to food kitchens or Salvation Army's. My Kay bragged about panhandling, which is common and easy, and stealing food. Lee, her husband, and her have done dumpster diving, which is learning where restaurants and grocery stores dump their food each night. Kay told me they and others would get hot pizzas in boxes. Is this what we want to hear or know? No!!!!
    But street smart, unemployed kids learn how and where to eat. There is enough food. I was mortified when Kay shared this with one of the few relatives she talks to. But she actually took some pictures on her phone showing her and Lee at dumpsters with food. She lives to "brag." I also believe many homeless kids panhandle. Kay has certain spots she goes to and told the relative she can get $50 or more a night. I really hope that it's not true but I know her. I fear it is. Our kids do not live life worrying about comfort and sanitation. But they do like us to feel guilty. The "I am hungry" hurts every mothers heart.

    I no longer believe it.

    At any rate, Kay and Lee are now in California living on a street in an old camper. I am sure they still eat. I am not sure of anything else except that they know how to get what their basic needs are. That includes a boat load of pot.

    I am sorry for you and for the rest of us. We did not raise them this way but here we are. Blessings to everyone.