It Doesn't End With Adulthood

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by maddadkeith, Sep 12, 2010.

  1. maddadkeith

    maddadkeith Guest

    I am trying to find out where or how to help my son. I'll make this as short as I can.

    When my son was in grade school he was diagnosed with a low i.q., (below 80, and in my opinion his maturity is several years behind his actual age.), ADHD, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I was a single parent to him and his older brother. He received S.S.I. as a child. When he was fourteen I called the police to take him from my home. They refused until I told them I would beat the child to death (No, there was no prior child abuse) if they did not get him out of my site. Before, during and after his four years in DHS custody I did everything the doctors and the government told me to do to try to help my son. I failed, and DHS failed. DHS seemed more at a loss of what to do than I was. They had no control of him, and no place to put him. When he turned 18 DHS released him. He stayed with me for awhile, told me to eat #$%$ and die, and left my home. He was with his mom (she had never contacted her sons in the time he was in DHS custody.) for a few years. Neither of them would even look for work. And, I did not learn to say no to both of them until about 2 years ago. He is now living in Phoenix with a girlfriend and her sister. I have never met them. But, they both receive SSI, and the three of them are living off of the girls income. Now, as an adult my 23 year old son has never been able to hold a job for more than a couple of days. He says he is looking for work. Not only do I doubt it, but I believe he is mentally incapable of looking for, finding and holding a job without total and unrelenting supervision. When he left my home he was physically fit. I suppose he still is. And, that is about all of the background I know to give.

    Now, my son is finally one step from homelessness. The good thing about it is that his predicament seems to be dawning on him. The rest of the outlook is not good. I am retired for medical reasons, and will be in a single bedroom, section 8 housing sometime in November, 2010. He will not be allowed there, and I have no will to live like that again anyway. And, my health would not take the stress. Except for the time that he spent in DHS custody I was never sure that when I woke up each day I would not have a knife in my chest. But, I am his father, and I want my son to live and prosper. However, it has amazed me that he is not already in prison or dead.

    Now, with all of this this said, I am receiving calls from him again. He has asked if the three of them could move in with me. My answer was no. Although I know his calls are still for that same reason he is telling me that he is trying to find work. I am trying to make it clear to him to contact SSI to get back on SSI, and continue to look for work. But, I cannot control what he does while he is in Phoenix. And, as usual, I truly doubt that he will do anything I have said. History shows that what I advise him to do will be discarded in favor of doing nothing but asking everyone to do everthing for him.

    Now, does anyone here know where I can at least tell him to go to ask for help? I have told him to try to find help for training of any kind. I told him to start at DHS and Social Security. Any suggestions would be appreciated. And, yes, I will relay all of them to my son. But, I have to leave it up to him to act on the suggestions.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi madadkeith. My son is 26 and we are still trying to help him find his way in life.
    If he qualifies for ssi, then he can get services through Dept. of Vocational Rehab. Now, I don't know what it is like in Arizona but there isn't much funding for new clients.
    The problem with my difficult child is he struggles with his executive functioning. He knows exactly what to do but can not make Step 1, step 2, step 3 type plan. I still can't say to him "clean up your room". I have to tell him "trash in trash can, laundry in hamper, scrub toilet, vacuum, change sheets etc, etc."
    If your son wants to improve his life, you may have to tell him to read wants ads, go to XYZ store/fast food and fill out application(ask him if he knows how) . If he is able to use a computer, he can go to the library and look for jobs on craig's list locally.
    If he has any construction type skills, there are usually places around the big box hardware type stores where day workers congregate. Contractors will go to hire a few guys to help out on a job for a few days. It might be something for him to try.

    As far as housing goes, you may have to suggest he go to a shelter until he gets a job and dig himself out of the hole he is in.
    I agree, that he shouldn't move in with you. Once you go that way, you aren't going to get him out. Protect yourself and make suggestions that he can understand.
    It's a heart break isn't it? We want so much more for our difficult child's and it seems so hard for them to want it for themselves.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    my difficult child is still a teen so I can't recommend where you/he seek help next. But I do have an opinion. Please don't let him move back in with you.

    Do what you feel you are able to do from a distance.

    Glad you found your way here, Keith.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Some states are better than other to help fund the disabled (and he sounds truly disabled). Wisconsin is good...I live here and my son is on the autism spectrum. He will be able to start planning for adulthood later this year, when he is 17 and nine months. If you live in a more friendly state for disabled young adults than AZ (I could be wrong, but I hear that they are hurting down there), I would encourage him to move back there so he can improve on his services, but I don't recommend letting him live with you and ruining your health. Plus his girlfriends? Hahaha. Never, if it was me.
    If you want to talk to parents of grown kids who still have problems, we have a Parent Emitrius (I'm sure this is spelled wrong) forum. All the kids there are over 18. The moms/dads can tell you of services their adult children have received.
    Good luck!!!