It's Not Even 8:30 am...

[Bunny]

and the first issue of the day has been going on for an hour already.

difficult child was in easy child's room, I don't know what was going on, but I could hear easy child saying quite forcefully, "I don't want you in here, Get out!" Of course, he does not, so I tell him to leave easy child's room. difficult child goes, but now he's bent out of shape because he's been removed from his favorite punching bag. I jump in the shower and I hear difficult child yelling at easy child. I call to difficult child and ask what's going on. He says that he wants to say he's sorry to easy child, but easy child won't open the door. We have talked about this many times. Alot of times easy child does not want to open his door to difficult child after they've had an issue because easy child is afraid of difficult child, so I have told difficult child to come and get me and I will help him. Does he do that? No. So now he's even more bent out of shape because difficult child won't listen to him. I get out of the shower and get dressed and try to talk to both of them. easy child is not ready to talk to difficult child yet and difficult child is getting angrier by the minute about it.

About 15 minutes later easy child comes out and I ask him if he wants to talk to difficult child. He says okay. We go looking for difficult child, who is hiding in his closet and now refuses to talk to easy child because "if easy child really cared he would have come when I called him!" I tried to explain to him that easy child is not a dog and he does not have to come when he calls him, plus easy child was trying to calm down. Nope. In difficult child mind easy child not coming at the exact moment difficult child wants him means that easy child hates him and could care less about him.

So now, difficult child says that he's not going bowling this morning and that if easy child really cares about him he would not go either. husband (who has spent this whole episode lying in bed telling difficult child to leave easy child alone. I know very helpful, right?) says that we won't go then. I tell him why should the rest of us not have any fun because of difficult child and his tantrum? This happens all the time and it needs to stop. So I tell difficult child not to be upset if the rest of us decide that we want to go. We want him to go with us, I'm not going to force him. I think he's stunned that we said we'll still go without him.

Part of me is not sure if I should go. I don't trust leaving difficult child here alone. Maybe I should just let easy child and husband go? I'm not sure what to do, but I think that it's important for easy child to be able to go.

 

[crazymama30]

I agree that it is important for easy child to go bowling. easy child should not be punished for difficult children actions.


As for leaving difficult child alone? Will he be safe and not destructive? If so then maybe you could leave him home. I think it depends on how difficult child has acted in the past.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Bunny, one of the best things I have done for my difficult child was "calling her bluff" We followed through with what we said, and she was amazed. I have learned in just a few short weeks how much damage I have caused by bowing down to difficult child. easy child has suffered, difficult child has suffered by not learning she doesn't rule the place, and I have suffered. I would go, leave difficult child at home, and if he does damage anything or destroy something, call the police. I know it is a very very hard thing to do, but we did it. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

 

[fightingthetide]

Im new here. But my difficult child is already at it, too! How about your difficult child stays home with husband. You and easy child go bowling? Maybe it's husband's turn to deal with difficult child? He stayed in bed for the first round. And easy child shouldn't get the privelege removed. Don't know this is my rudimentary logic, and it's probably all screwed up....

 

[fightingthetide]

Bunny, one of the best things I have done for my difficult child was "calling her bluff" We followed through with what we said, and she was amazed. I have learned in just a few short weeks how much damage I have caused by bowing down to difficult child. easy child has suffered, difficult child has suffered by not learning she doesn't rule the place, and I have suffered. I would go, leave difficult child at home, and if he does damage anything or destroy something, call the police. I know it is a very very hard thing to do, but we did it. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I'd love to hear your experiences on following through with what you said. This is a big issue around here. Our son is only seven, so there is a bit of a difference. However the concept is the same.

 

[Bunny]

Hahahahaha!!! Score one for the warrior mom!!!

difficult child came down a little while ago to tell me that easy child is upset because difficult child told him that he was not going. I asked what he expected me to do? We're going with or without you and it's your choice. You don't want to go? Don't go. The rest of us are going.

Guess what happened? He got dressed, brushed his teeth, and decided that he wants to come after all. Surprise, surprise, surprise!!

 

[StressedM0mma]

That is great Bunny. I have learned so much from this board about following through with what I say, and not backing down. I waited way way too long to do that. We let difficult child run the show for too long. She is slowly starting to realize we mean what we say, and will do what we say we will do. My husband is the one that is tougher than I am. I always want to run in and fix the problem for her. And, I have come to realize I have done her a huge disservice. At 14 almost 15 she is not emotionally where her peers are. And I do blame myself for that. We are working on it along with everything else, but it is going to take a long time to fix all of this.

I hope you guys have a great time bowling and that difficult child behaves and enjoys himself.

 

[TeDo]

I think it is equally important to show easy child that both parents stick by him and show difficult child that he CAN be left out of fun FAMILY activities. As for not trusting him home alone, think NATURAL consequences for anything that happens while you are gone OR come up with a written list of do's & don'Tourette's Syndrome along with an explanation of consequences that can be imposed for violations. He thinks he's got you so you need to show him that he can and will be left out of things. This will make it real to him and hopefully after a while he'll remember these times.

 

[liz]

I'd love to hear your experiences on following through with what you said. This is a big issue around here. Our son is only seven, so there is a bit of a difference. However the concept is the same.

Same here except my difficult child is 8. We left my son home with my hubby while easy child and I went skating; because of his refusal to do his homework in the allotted time. He had 3 hours in which to do it and refused to buckle down and get it done. Today we are going skating again and guess who is quickly finishing his corrections on his weekly schoolwork? SCORE!!!

I am also hoping for some good ideas on following through on consequences.

HUGS to Bunny!

 

[Bunny]

He went and was (surprisingly) REALLY good. He even tried to teach easy child how to hold a bowling ball the right way and how to throw it down the lane gently. All in all, it was a good family outing and I'm glad that we went.

 

[pasajes4]

It must be a Sunday thing. My difficult child was at it early this morning. I don't even remember how it started,but it always ends being about " I want to live my own life..you don't have to call the cops when I don't come home... so what if I smolke weed, skip out of school, cuss out adults, allow my friends to cuss you out... you should still give me money when I want it and buy me a cell phone ... Then came the throwing things,threats,"I need to go to the hospital....."

I held my ground. I would have called the cops but they would only lecture him or ED him to yet another facility and I would be many thousands of dollars MORE indebt. He uses the hospital to escape feeling the pain of his poor choices.

I too tried to smooth things over when we started this journey. I believe as care takers, that's what we do. Was it to his benefit or mine? NO. Like you I realize the errors of my ways. Does it hurt to see him struggle and at times appear to not get it?.....yep. Does it hurt me? ...Yep. Is it necessary?....Yep. Will it work?... Nothing else has.

Major kuddos to you on standing your ground and having a good day!!!!!!

 

[buddy]

Im new here. But my difficult child is already at it, too! How about your difficult child stays home with husband. You and easy child go bowling? Maybe it's husband's turn to deal with difficult child? He stayed in bed for the first round. And easy child shouldn't get the privelege removed. Don't know this is my rudimentary logic, and it's probably all screwed up....

I was thinking this too... NO WAY you should stay home. It is husband's idea to lose fun then let him. Or leave difficult child home and make it clear what the expectations are and which rooms he can/can't go into and let him know if he doesn't follow the rules what will happen. Sometimes it works to be specific about consequences and other times it works to say something serious is going to happen and you will NOT like it.

And it is nearly 11 here and we have been at it since 9. He is now finally with a garbage bag going around and emptying trash cans, picking up his junk he threw all over and has no samsung galaxy player or TV for quite a while. uggg... I hate ugly mornings.

 

[Bunny]

I hate ugly mornings.

Me, too, Buddy. I'm not sure what's worse: an ugly school morning where he's screaming that he's not going and we tell him that he's going if husband has to put him in the car and carry him into school so that all of the teachers and other kids can see what he is really like, or an ugly weekend morning where I don't have to worry about getting him anywhere, but I have no where to send him.

 

[buddy]

Well, in the end I am glad you got to go. Is he like that often? Just gets over it? sometimes that is Q...really most of the time. He will blow and then he will just later be like nothing happened. But I am still learning that.

 

[Bunny]

Sometimes he gets over things really quickly, sometimes he can go on for hours about how he's been wronged by whoever he feels wronged him at that moment (usually easy child or me). Last year we had family over for mother in law's birthday and something triggered him and he went on for hours. He finally fell asleep on my bed, but not before leaving my mother in law in tears and saying that he didn't care that he ruined her birthday party because he didn't care about her. Not true, but it still hurt her to hear. Then there are mornings like today. It's over quick and we can get on with our day.

I think it has alot to do with whether or not he feels he's being heard or whether or not he thinks that he's being treated fairly. If he thinks that either one of those is not the case it makes the tantrum worse. Of course, "fair" is in the eye of the beholder and he does not seem to understand that just because he perceives that something in not fair does mean that that is the case.

 

[zaftigmama]

We're having one of those days too--throwing things, being deliberately annoying, disruptive, destructive. Brownie stabbed me in the leg with a pencil!

 

[susiestar]

First off, KUDOS for realizing that you shouldn't all stay home because difficult child had a tantrum. My reaction when I read your post was that since your husband said that you would stay home if difficult child didn't want to go, then husband could stay home and you and easy child should take whatever $$ you would spend on the whole family bowling and go bowl, go out to eat, maybe see a movie, make a fun day for you and easy child and let BOTH husband and difficult child see what they missed out on. ANd be SURE to let difficult child know that since he didn't go, you spent the $$ that would have been spent on his and dads bowling/snacks ALL on you and easy child. Since there is no more $$ for that activity, he missed out until the family has enough saved to do it again.

Often our kids are concrete thinkers. So letting them know that the $$ for the activity was not saved for when they want to do it is very very powerful. It might trigger another tantrum, but is another very logical consequence and one that WILL make an impact.

Having a great family outing was AWESOME and the best outcome possible, in my opinion. I am sure he was shocked that you would go with-o him. He NEEDS to see that he does not control things and your "rudimentary" logic was excellent. I would urge you to get your husband up and involved or tell him to stay silent. One of the WORST things we can do is just yell at our kids from another room when we have NO intention of actually enforcing anything. Your husband probably thought he was somehow helping you, but all he did was show difficult child that it wasn't a big deal to Dad and that Dad is NOT going to get involved. I know this will likely shock your husband, but it is what it is.

Do you have a copy of Parenting wiht Love and Logic? It is an excellent book that many of us have found super helpful. I liked it for a few specific reasons. First, it made sense to my husband. NO other parenting book or book about Aspergers was read by him. He promised to read them, he listened when I spoon fed sections to him (which really ****** me off - if I was going to read them and do the hard work to understand them, why wasn't he??? But he did other things and we worked through that issue.) but he never used the techniques for more than a day or two. Inconsistency is worse than nothing at all wth our kids, Know what I mean?? L&L was different. I found it very logical and I guess it had enough "guy speak" that it appealed to husband - he read it all and USED the techniques consistently. We still do but it is very different with no difficult child in the house.

Love and Logic works to use natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. One thing I found supremely wonderful was that it does NOT say you have to have the punishment happen right when the problem happens. I always HATED that. I do better when I have a little time between the problem and the consequence. Even as a kid I thought it was idiotic to think that kids "cannot" remember what they have done to earn a consequence. How stupid do people think kids are? SOO many books and 'experts' say that if the punishment doesn't happen right away then it means nothing to kids. Kids are not dogs. By 3 or 4 they can remember things and they can tell everyone at church that you said "Sh$$" on Tuesday, so even if they dont' want to tell you that they colored on the wall, they know they did it and they know they don't get their markers for a week because they did it.

L&L USES the time you take to think of the best consequence as PART of the consequence. They have you tell the child not to worry about it, you will tell them later what the consequence is. What happens if you tell someone not to think about something? They can't stop thinking about it. IT WORKS. OF course there is more to it, and you need to read the book to use the technique most effectively, but it is an amazing book, esp if used iwth The Explosive child.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm glad in the end he went. You handled it very well!

I'm sorry about the ugly start to your morning. Sadly ours is like that most day (except on the days I go to work before he is awake).

 

[TerryJ2]

Way To Go, Bunny! Congrats.

 

[Bunny]

Susie, who is the author of that book?