I've posted this before...

[flutterbee]

and I have to say that I'm disappointed that I feel like I have to post it again. I'm not picking on any one person.

It really bothers me when members use derogatory terms to describe their difficult child's friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. I've heard loser, hoochie, Goth girl, pothead, etc.

You know, other parents out there are saying the exact same thing about OUR kids. And we wouldn't like it. So why is it ok to say that about someone else's kid? We of all people should be better than that.

I think it's safe to say that if we feel compelled to use those terms, we should probably realize that they are difficult child's in their own right.

And to be honest, I find it incredulous when someone is talking about their kid lying, stealing, doing drugs, won't get a job, dropping out of school, talk about their kid's loser boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, really. Who is the pot and who is the kettle?

Anyway, that's what I have to say. You can get mad if you want. Or not. I just felt compelled to say it.

 

[DaisyFace]

Hi there!

I am new to this Forum...and one of the things that I found disconcerting here was the abbreviation "easy child", as in "Perfect Child". Frankly, I didn't know there WAS such a thing. (And if there is--where do I get one?)

I feel like I cannot really characterize one child as "Perfect". Perhaps it would be more fair to use the term "Easier Child"...or "Non-Troubled Child"? After all, trying to compare a troubled kid to one that is "Perfect" is only making things worse and setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Same goes with spreading negative attitudes (which, admittedly, is easier some days than others...)

Just my two cents....

 

[flutterbee]

Daisy,

Some people prefer to use the abbreviation NT for neuro-typical child or typical teen for typical teen. Or you could refer to the other child as daughter (Dear Daughter) or DS (Dear Son).

Cause I know my 'easy child' is far from it.

 

[gcvmom]

I know my easy child is NOT perfect, but compared to her brothers and their issues, she looks like a easy child. That's why I choose to use that abbreviation. You are free to use whatever terminology you want here.

 

[DaisyFace]

Some people prefer to use the abbreviation NT for neuro-typical child or typical teen for typical teen. Or you could refer to the other child as daughter (Dear Daughter) or DS (Dear Son).

Cause I know my 'easy child' is far from it.

Thanks for the tip! I will probably use those instead of "easy child"...

One of the things that I am trying to work on is looking at my difficult child in a more positive light. It is very easy to get in the habit of thinking about her in a negative way.

Maybe if I really concentrate on the positive--it will help make the difficult issues a little easier to bear?

--Daisy

 

[Suz]

Heather, I agree with you 100%. It's one thing to use some of those terms as an adjective/adverb to describe a behavior but it's a whole other thing to use it as a noun and wrap up the whole person with the same words as a label.

Even in his darkest days, Rob did some really stupid things but he was never a loser or a pothead. There's a difference.

Suz

 

[meowbunny]

I'm with you, Heather. My daughter's boyfriend back home was many things, few of them positive and I honestly didn't like him but she did. I did my best to find whatever good there was in him. I did call him a slacker a time or two but it was not meant meanly and it was something he called himself.

It is sometimes hard to accept the people in our children's lives. They are rarely good enough for our kids even the best of them. That seems to be part of being a parent. However, our kids do seem to frequently pick ones that make themselves look good or ones that they think they can save. Either way, they do seem to frequently be a notch or two below what our kids are. Rarely are they ones we want to use as role models. Even so, it does no good to call these B/GFs names. It only demeans our kids. As you said, our kids frequently have some pretty bad habits that most parents would die if their kids did them. So, we really should be the last to judge.

 

[Wiped Out]

I agree Heather-well put.

 

[klmno]

You are very right. I hope that I haven't done this, but I am sure that there are times when I'm thinking about trying to keep difficult child on the right track, and of course being his mother and living with him I see both bad and good, but when it comes to his friends, I might only see a bad side. I think it is easy to say then, without thinking, that the "other kid" was really bad, but my difficult child is trying and just slipped. In reality, all people probably have moments of differing intentions.

But you bring up a good reminder- we shouldn't always fault the "other kid" and certainly should not label the others....

 

[Fran]

I'm not sure what we should say if a child lies, steals or cheats? Is there a more correct way to describe behavior? Or is the term loser the offending issue here?
easy child was always board slang for a non difficult child kid. No one really believes there is such a thing as a perfect kid or a perfect parent.

I always felt that talking in such a negative way about a person vs. a behavior isn't giving a person his proper dignity but some people vent.

Probably the appropriate thing is to PM the offending person privately than a general board hand smack from one member to all other members.

 

[flutterbee]

Fran,

I thought my post was pretty clear. I did not address the easy child abbreviation issue in my original post. I responded to Daisy, as she is new, to explain other alternatives that we would understand and that she could live with.

I also think Suz summarized it very nicely.

My issue is with the derogatory terminology used to name our difficult child's friends or boyfriend/girlfriend's.

Yes, there is something wrong with referring your difficult child's boyfriend/girlfriend - someone else's child, by the way - as a loser or insert word of choice. It's done a lot.

Would you want someone referring to your child as a 'loser' every time he is discussed? What does that say about the person saying it? As we are the ones bearing the brunt of so much stigma in society because of our kids, shouldn't we know better than to turn around and do the exact same thing to another?

Like I said, I wasn't picking on any one person. But, it's become pretty prevalent across the board and I felt compelled to say something.

 

[Fran]

Heather, I think I'm clear that I find talking in a negative ugly way about my son is not something I would do. I do not refer to friends or enemies in that sort of terminology.
A private PM may be a better way to address an issue that is not used by the majority of members.
I also was addressing the new member about why easy child was used as part of the board abbreviations and lingo.

 

[smallworld]

Heather, you can also feel free to contact a moderator with any concerns you might have about board etiquette.

 

[meowbunny]

I understand that PMs can be a good thing sometimes, but I also think there are times when it is good to have reminders and this was a good reminder to all of us. We do forget and call other kids names that would devastate us if they were used against our own. Yet, the reality is that frequently these same words are applied to our kids by others on an almost daily basis. So, a reminder of how hurtful those words are can be a good thing and, in this instance, I think it was a very good thing.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Heather,

Thanks for sharing. For me it is a raises the philosophical question of how we view others and children in particular. Ross Greene says that ' children do well if they can ' . The vast majority of kids want to succeed in life and their maladaptive behavior is a reflection of bad coping skills and distorted thinking , these are kids with challenges . I prefer not to say ' I have a difficult kid but rather I have a kid with difficulties or challenges. If we say a child does well if he wants to , in my humble opinion we are open to be judgmental about him. As Heather says we don't like hearing people talk about our kids in a disrespectful way so we too even when we are being stressed out by them , it is so easy to forget that they are struggling too , and even if we don't say it out aloud feel pretty negative to them.

Allan

 

[Rotsne]

and I have to say that I'm disappointed that I feel like I have to post it again. I'm not picking on any one person.

It really bothers me when members use derogatory terms to describe their difficult child's friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. I've heard loser, hoochie, Goth girl, pothead, etc.

You know, other parents out there are saying the exact same thing about OUR kids. And we wouldn't like it. So why is it ok to say that about someone else's kid? We of all people should be better than that.

I think it's safe to say that if we feel compelled to use those terms, we should probably realize that they are difficult child's in their own right.

And to be honest, I find it incredulous when someone is talking about their kid lying, stealing, doing drugs, won't get a job, dropping out of school, talk about their kid's loser boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, really. Who is the pot and who is the kettle?

Anyway, that's what I have to say. You can get mad if you want. Or not. I just felt compelled to say it.

I agree.

While I of course wouldn't be happy if my children would be led to change their religious fate by their friends, I would rather have to keep my enemies close rather than taking the risk of sending both them and my children away.

Of course we would treat the first boy/girl-friend with some kind of suspicion. It is after all our my dearest item in our lives, this individual are taking away from us. It is difficult to let our children leave the nest. Especially it they make choices we don't agree upon. But it is in the nature that they have to go at some point.

We also would like to believe that the difficulties are brought upon us from the outside - that we did not leave the door open through which they could enter our household. But sometime we make mistakes and while it is hard to acknowledge we are only humans and humans makes mistake.

We had a huge turmoil in our household when the family coach forced us to let our daughter enter the partylife aged 15, but now where we are there thinks are not so bad as we saw them. We can survive and we have to accept that our daughter sees peers without our supervision. Even peers we don't like, but it is her choice and we accept it.

 

[everywoman]

I am one who has used the term loser before---both to describe my own son and also to describe his friends. difficult child was for a long time an unemployed, thieving, liar, abusive, drug user. Most of his acquaintances--I don't call them his friends---are the same. They have nothing of any substance---unless you're talking about illegal substances-- in their lives. They don't work, they don't go to school. difficult child is the only one with a high school diploma and a job, and that is because of my hard work and diligence. Most have at least one illegitimate child; many have more than one. They rob, steal, assault, and deal drugs. Most have spent time in jail. Many will spend the rest of their lives locked up. These are not 15/16 year olds. These are 20-25 year olds. They infect my community. The students at my high school view them as cool. What would you call them

 

[slsh]

My apologies, Heather. Frustration and fear got the better of me. Point taken and thank you for the reminder.

 

[Rotsne]

Everywoman: I would call them movie star or the next rock star.

The media industry are making ex-drug users stars. They make our children believe that you have to have done at least one stint in rehab to make it.

An UN-report attacks that they are getting off lightly:

UN attacks celebrity drug use, The Guardian

I have not purchased music for several years and I believe that the copyright laws should be abandoned until they clean the industry up and remove people from being idols for our children if their lifestyle is illegal.

These 20-year-olds are only doing what are working for others as they can see it on TV and Internet. How can we change that?

 

[bran155]

Good topic. I am probably guilty of using the term "loser" to describe some of the people my daughter has chosen to hang out with. One in particular stands out, the boyfriend who was beating on her, and yes I do think he is a loser!!! He was beating her up for pete's sake!!! But I do understand what you mean. Since all of this craziness started with my daughter way back when I have learned a lot and one of my true life lessons is not to judge other kids who, to the eye just look like "bad kids" or kids of a not so nice home as that is not always the case. Now when I see a child who's behavior resembles my daughter's I no longer assume that they are just "losers" or that their parents don't care about them. Because that is exactly what people think about my daughter when she is out and about spewing her illness all over the place. Truthfully, we as a society do not know what is causing these kids to act out or do drugs or commit crimes. How do we know that they aren't also mentally ill? We don't. How can we expect the world to view our children with empathy in their hearts if we aren't doing the same of others?

I will absolutely be more careful in my word choices from here on out.

Rotsne makes a good point!!! The media doesn't help!!!