J's amazing response to our help

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Abbey, Nov 22, 2007.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    J is back with girlfriend and they got a new apartment. Well, they are facing eviction within days. Surprise, surprise. He's called several times asking for money. husband did send him $100 a few weeks ago. I said no, but he did it anyway.

    We got a call from him two days ago whining about getting evicted, especially over the holiday. He wants money. No. But, I did go online and order them everything you'd need for a Thanksgiving dinner, plus another $100 of just plain groceries. They got the groceries last night. He calls at 6am this morning nearly screaming into the phone of WHY we sent them groceries when they need money. Mid way into his rant, I just hung up. :grrr:

    He never ceases to amaze me.

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm so glad you hung up, Abbey.


  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Oh Abbey. You can only do what you know if right. sorry he was such a jerk! Hope the rest of your day is better. Hugs.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    That has me steaming just thinking about it for you!
    Really, the self absorption level with these kids never ceases to amaze me!

    So sorry you are having to deal with that, but I am glad you hung up.
    I hope you have a peaceful, you-filled, rest of the day!
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am so sorry that you had to deal with that.

    How kind of you to have sent them food! How wrong of them not to have realized that.

    Deep breaths. Have a blessed holiday.

  6. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member


    You handled the situation in a firm, loving manner.

    Jay has to take on some accountability to move forward. You've taught him all you can, now it's time for him to do some learning, even if it is the hard way.

    from a mom who has been there done that Putting a stop to the disrespect by hanging up the phone sends a message, perhaps even louder than words. Keep putting the ball back in his court....no matter how many times you have to do it.
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    What a good mom you are for ordering a Thanksgiving feast, plus extra food. He has to figure this out for himself, my difficult child was exactly the same. The more we gave, the less reason he had to anything. There were a million BS "reasons" why he needed us to give him money. Tell husband not to do that anymore. He can get a job,and a second job, he's young. I'm glad you hung up. Let him go to homeless shelter, he needs some motivation. Maybe that will do it. ((hugs))-Alyssa
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry he is such a jerk and a fool. I'm glad you did get him food, though. At least you know in your heart that you did what you could for him. I hope you had a good day despite J.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sorry he was such a jerk, but what a wonderful thoughtful thing you did, even if they didn't appreciate it.
  10. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You did the right thing, Abbey.

    For me, the worst thing about not helping is the way I would feel about myself.

    Those feelings are the enemy, not J.

    It helps me to remember that I made the decision not to help in a rational frame of mind, knowing there would be consequences.

    But there are consequences either way.

    Tell yourself now, if you can, that you refuse to suffer, that you refuse to be guilty or regretful ~ or to feel resent.

    None of thse feelings are healthy for us. Suffering in that way does J no good, either.

    So, you are free, if you choose to be.

    Sunny Florida posted something about young soldiers in Iraq awhile back, comparing their situations and goals to those of our addicted or problem children.

    That was so helpful to me.

    I found a picture of young soldiers in Iraq, and taped it to the wall near the phone, to give me something to hang onto when difficult child would call wanting money.

    It didn't make it much easier, but it did help me to do that.

    I am sorry this is happening, Abbey ~ but it is something we all have to face when our kids are troubled. If you can refuse to let those feelings take hold, it will help you get through this time. (Sometimes, when I can't seem to let go of it, I remind myself that I just thought that same thought yesterday, or earlier this morning. Then, the feelings are easier to put away for a time.

    Maybe only a minute ~ but that is a minute I got to have all for myself.

  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I guess some part of me has a smithering of hope that he is trying to be on the right track. That is a first for YEARS. I won't send money (bad husband) but I'll help like you'd help any child who are in those early years of establishing adult life.

    We talked two weeks ago about work. One job is not enough. Is two too much? Heck yeah...but it is what you do when you are trying to get something going. I worked two jobs and had a baby and was going to college full time. Was it fun? No, but those are some of the best memories of my life. Hard work brings gratitude. I can remember going to the grocery store with $20 and a calculator, then having to put back an item or two because I was slightly over.

    Life can be hard when you're young, and especially hard when you're a young difficult child. Time to step up to the plate.

  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Abbey, not only when you're young. Life can throw some cruel curve balls and you can suddenly find yourself right back in that same position. Better he learn this lesson the hard way now rather than later.

    I'm sorry he was too blind to appreciate that you provided tday dinner and food.

  13. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I would be interested in reading that particular post, if anyone can pull up the link for me :)
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Abbey. It's been a long road with J, and I guess it is going to be longer yet. Any chance the $$'s were needed to feed
    an addiction again? Lordy, I hope not.

    Choices. Making choices seems to be the main issue for our difficult children.
    I worked three jobs to support my three children in my 20's. I
    learned alot about myself in those times that I might never have
    learned if my life had stayed centered on easy street.

    I prefer to believe that all our difficult child's will eventually "get it".
    Yep, even J. DDD
  15. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Jeez Abbey.... what a super thing you did, ordering a wonderful holiday dinner and filling their fridge with groceries. How wonderful is that?

    sorry J is being a putz. There's no excuse for it other than "he can". He chooses too and he'll keep on choosing too as long as he's given an opportunity. So very glad that you hung the phone up.

    I too believe that one day all of our difficult child's will get it...not sure when, but I'll be waiting for the day.

    Until then....I think you get the Holiday award for the most ingenious and selflessness.