Jumper is crabby and I found out why. What to do?

[BusynMember]

Jumper is usually really compatible with me. Lately she's been snappy and snarky. I know it's partly the age...16. But I am starting to worry about her. She doesn't laugh so much anymore. So after she kept contradicting everything I said tonight and acted like a general grump and was mildly disrespectful, I told her that something is wrong and that I wanted to see her cell phone. She gave it to me and went off to play basketball (thank goodness she has her sports).

I found out what the problem is.

She told me she still texts with J. sometimes, but she didn't tell me that she begs him back. I read t heir conversation, feeling guilty about doing it (but worried about Jumper) and I was mortified. The entire conversation was her telling him she loved him and still wanted to be with him and would he please give them a chance? In the meantime, he was both saying that it isn't realistic since he's going to Indiana and that he couldn't trust her and that their breakup was her fault because she talked to other boys or some such stuff...he was always overly jealous. She never even looked at another boy. The scary part is, she still doesn't.

She was trying to pin him down as to when she could see him again. She asked him to come to one of her games and he said it's too hard, he works 60 hours a week. (I wish he'd just be honest and say he didn't want to go). He did make a vague suggestion: "I don't know maybe thanksgiving." She said "Thanksgiving?" He said "I don't know." Yada, yada. Whatever is in J's disturbed mind, he doesn't trust her (which is dumb), but he's right about college. Meanwhile Jumper is not only pining over him still, and not moving on, but she's begging him back, something I thought she had too much dignity to do. Never underestimate the lack of respect for oneself a teen in love may have! :/ She kept saying "I love you. I only want you. I pretend everything is okay, but it's not. I wait for you every night to text me." Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Ok, I want to know what to do and I need suggestions fast. I am going to be honest and tell her that I saw the messaging between her and J. and the fact that I now know that this is why she has been so sad and angry (which is why I wanted her phone in the first place), I want to say a lot of things, but don't know if even one of them is appropriate.

I want to say:

1/I think you need to go for counseling. This is dragging on too long and I think you need to talk to somebody. (She won't agree or like it, but she'll still go if I set up an appointment.)

2/I REALLY want to say "I don't want you to ever talk to J. again. It is holding you back." (I don't see how I could either say that or make it stick, which is the sad part. I wish he'd stop answering her texts and never text her at all. And sometimes he says he still loves her.That doesn't help either. He is also making it clear that they are not together anyhow, whether he still loves her or not.)

3/Tell her that I'm glad I now know why she is upset, but that it is not ok to take it out on the rest of the family. And leave it at that?

4/Lecture her about moving on, but I tried that and it did no good. She said, "I don't want to."

I'm really sorry I let her go out with him. I never thought it would turn out like this. She isn't like other teenage girls who flit from guy to guy. I mean, I wish she were. She is totally obsessed with him, and he's older than her and is continuing to lead her on by texting her. I feel like writing him a letter telling him it's best not to contact her anymore, but I feel like that is going way too far in the meddling department. But that is really what would be best for Jumper.

Now on the good side, Jumper still sees her friends and plays sports, but she definitely stays away from other guys (and guys used to be her best friends) because she is sort of waiting for J. And J. isn't coming. He isn't even that nice in his texts nor was he always that nice to her while they were dating. In fact, reading his texts about how she couldn't be trusted was getting me angry. This girl sat and waited for him and only him. She had no interest in other boys...and J. never did believe that.

What's a mother to do?

For anyone who wants to tell me I shouldn't have checked her cell phone, please don't answer.When my kids are in trouble, and they won't tell me what's wrong, I feel it's ok to look. She knew I was going to do it. I didn't sneak and I don't need a lecture. I need some advice. Jumper just isn't Jumper anymore, yet I don't know if it's bad enough for counseling, which she doesn't want?

I'll put the question this way: If this had happened to your child and you knew it was continuing like this, what would you do? Thanks to all in advance.

 

[welcometowitsend]

OK - First of all I totally agree with you about checking her cell phone. Something was going on and you needed to find out what that was.

It is awful that she is pining away for this boy. She hasn't given up hope that this can work out yet. First love is so hard to get over.

I would suggest counselling to her again and talk to her about how it can help her work through her feelings and start to feel better about moving forward with her life. I'm not sure I would insist on it at this point. I think insisting on it might put you on the other side of the ring instead of in her corner, at least in her eyes.

I really like #3. Maybe when she is being very crabby with the family you can call a time out and talk to her about her feelings around J. Making her aware of how she is letting that hurt and anger flow over onto other people. Maybe once she realizes how much it is spilling over into her life she will be more open to the option of counselling.

I remember being 17 and totally in love with a boy who broke my heart. I called him for quite a while - almost obsessively. It was so hard to stop doing it but I did it. Mostly because I was tired of humiliating myself. I finally cut off all communication with him. I remember picking up the phone and dialling his number with my finger holding the 'hang-up' button down. It was awful and it took me about 3 months to finally feel like I was ok again.

The good news is she is still spending time with friends and still participating in her sports. That is a good sign. I would be much more worried if she was withdrawing from everything.

I really feel for Jumper. She is lucky to have a mom like you. My mom was oblivious to my pain and we didn't have a relationship where we could talk anyway.

 

[DDD]

Option three. She needs your support and since she still has the innocence to "share" her phone I strongly believe that you need to be there for her. I truly am sorry that she is obviously still traumatized by their breakup. on the other hand there are tons of teens who mourn a breakup like it was a death. It is not limited to young girls and their first loves. (I broke up with my first love and he literally spent two years mourning and in isolation. He hooked up with a far better young woman and ended up having an outstanding career and life with her.)

You have done a great job of keeping the connection with her. Hang in there. You're doing fine and she is going through a painful growth process...with her Mom at her side. Hugs DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Well, she didn't volunteer the phone. I told her to give it to me and to unlock it. So she wasn't sharing with me and has not been sharing lately. She is cranky and sarcastic and not much fun to be around.

TWO YEARS OF MOURNING?

Is this kind of obsession normal? I can't relate. When I broke up with a guy in high school, I was in love with somebody else a few weeks later. I didn't linger on what I couldn't have like she is doing.

And I wish he'd STOP texting her. He's clearly done with her. I'd like him to just cut it off. Because she won't.

 

[TeDo]

I don't blame you for checking the texts. Something was going on and she wasn't telling you. My kids have known since before they even got phones that I WILL be checking their texts and call logs on occasion. I pay the bill and I WILL know what they are up to and who they are in contact with until they turn 18. I don't blame you one bit.

As for what to say, we have #3 reminders all the time. I am constantly telling both my kids that I realize they are mad, sad, tired, whatever but that does not give them the right to take it out on other people, especially people that have nothing to do with what's going on.

I would sympathize with her and validate her feelings of losing a first love but that you are concerned about her. He's making it very clear that they are done and that you are worried about how she's obsessing over something that is only a fantasy. It's not healthy and that his blaming her for things she didn't do is a sign of a very unhealthy mind and will only drag her down in the long run. She is a better person than that and deserves someone that will treat her the way she treats them. Not someone that is paranoid and controlling.

Sorry she is going through this......and the effect it is having on both of you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[witzend]

Ugh, summer break-up. I'm sure that Jumper is pining away, and without school for socializing and busying up the day, it makes it all the worse. I'm with the others - the right thing to do is #3. I don't know that you can make her go to counseling, so seems like a lost cause unless she asks for it for now.

I would say something along the lines of, "I know that you are sad, and that's how everyone feels when they are in this situation. (Somehow knowing that everyone gets sad sometimes and in situations that everyone experiences can be a real help.) I would ask her what - other than getting back together with J - she could do that would help her to feel better. There must be something. No one is happy all of the time but it is easier to be happy when doing something that makes you feel good. Even something small. If she answers that there is nothing that makes her feel better, then it is probably time to tell her that she needs to either find something that she enjoys and get back to you within a short period of time to execute it, or she will need to talk to a counselor to figure out a way to get back on track to enjoying life. I'd leave J out of it as much as possible.

Good luck with her. I hope that she will be well and stop taking it out on the family!

 

[AnnieO]

I agree with #3. You can't forbid her... If you do, it'll go behind your back. The kid I caught Onyxx with in Feb 09? Is the one she got banned from the mall with that July. It took months and months. Now, he annoys the snot out of her. He "likes" every single facebook picture she posts. I told her to block him but she says she would "feel bad". He's 20. UGH.

She WILL get over J. However she CANNOT take her moods out on the family... That's hardly fair.

Let her know you love her and are willing to help her, but she has to be willing to accept the help... To help herself.

 

[Nancy]

This did happen to mine, both easy child and difficult child. They both did obsess over the guy and difficult child begged and pleaded and manipulated and threatened to try to get boyfriend back. easy child didn't do that but she cried the entire summer and was despondant.

I vote for #1 but I would tell her it's gone on too long yadda yadda. I would tell her you understand now how upset she is and you want her to know you understand that young love can be very difficult to make sense of and breakups can be terribly hurtful and you decided as her mother that she should talk to someone that can help her sort out her feelings and put things into perspective. And then make the appointment and take her. Obsessing over a guy can lead to a lot of problem of self worth and may make her vulnerable to some other guy who may not be so admirable.

Nancy

 

[Tiapet]

Let me preface this with this, I have rules in my house and it applies to ALL including my 20 yo! My rules are that it's my house and I WILL go through your things if I think there is something that is causing trouble or you are in danger and that includes your room or personal things and with the oldest, her cell phone because I pay for it. Generally with her I've never had too as she is very open with me on everything.

HOWEVER, just recently she has not been and things have not been well. She accidently left her cell phone home when she went one late evening. Something she never leaves home with out. I happen to pick it up because it was displaying something rather disturbing and I knew that (thank God) if I didn't take it the younger ones would have gotten a hold of it and it was in no way something they should have seen. From that I decided I really needed to see what else she was "hiding" from me. I ended up finding out a lot of information. Some things I could have guessed others I would not have but none the less it did upset me but certainly now made sense of why she was acting the way she was. In the end, it alerted me to what actions I needed to be taking to protect her and ourselves from possible MUCH bigger problems in the future.

Where am I going with this, I will not say you were wrong (as you can see from what I said above). What I will say is maybe you can borrow a page from how I handled my situation in that I told difficult child that one of her "friends" was concerned for her as she was doing things that were not good for herself and cared enough to tell me. Yes, a lie but if I had totally confronted her at this point in time it would have caused a very horrible scene and NON compliance with her getting help, which she did end up doing. I also let her therapist and doctor in on what was going on since she has allowed me to discuss things with them (all I have to do is call them). I honestly did not like hiding from her what I did this time as I've always been upfront with her in the past but this time the issues were a bit more serious and I knew that the plan of action called for an intervention that would actually work, and it did!

Don't know if it would help you any or not. Oh and yes, difficult child did post to her facebook and such ranting that "whoever did this was ......" but of course there was no one. The point was her getting help.

 

[klmno]

Option 3 but with elaboration instead of leaving it at that. She needs to hear some support in getting over her first 'love', in my humble opinion. I don't think she needs counseling from a prof over this but I think she needs to hear from you or a supportive person who's close to her that first loves are extremely hard to get over. They are painful but usually necessary in typical lives in order to have our learning experiences. I don't know the right words or words that can help relieve her pain but please remember, this wasn't her or J's fault- this was a "first love" and they rarely work out to end in a marriage forever. You knew that when she started seeing him. Who knows how much either party played into it lasting or ending. It doesn't matter. She needs to learn HOW to move on but also understand that it's a normal process. To me, he's done his best to let her down easily, regardless of who's 'fault' it was. Yes, she slao needs to learn how not to take it out on others. She also needs to be reminded that her entire identity is not wrapped up in this guy and there will be another somewhere down the road, but she has to get over this one to rid herself of the access baggage. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Nancy]

Am I incorrect that parental understanding and support hasn't worked so far?

Nancy

 

[Methuselah]

If only she could watch "Sooner or Later", the great After School Special about first love starring Rex Smith! In all seriousness, two years is a long time to pine. It's not healthy. Does she say what she misses about him?

I'm all for checking phones. Our difficult children don't have them. difficult child 1 likes to take and share videos and pictures of herself doing things she shouldn't. :-( It's for your daughter's good that you check. To not check would be irresponsible.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, this is what happened.

Jumper came home and we sat down to talk and I told her that we both knew what the problem was and that I felt it was interfering with every part of her life. To my surprise (she is no crybaby), she teared up and then as we talked about the texting conversation she had had with J., she cried harder and came up to me, sat on my lap and hugged me and cried more and we talked more. I told her she needed to talk to her friends about it and she said no, they didn't understand. I brought up counseling and this time she said ok (now to find a good counselor). We talked about how much easier it would have been if he had just walked away and never contacted her again and I asked her if she felt she could not answer if he texted her. She said she didn't know. She did promise to try to move on and to have a good time tomorrow.We are going to Illinois to see Julie (PastryChef) and we're going to Mid-evil Times if anyone lives in the Chicago area.

So, Jumper is still a very sad young woman, but I feel a little bit better and am going to make sure she has a counselor she can relate to.

 

[TeDo]

Good for you MWM. That sounds awesome. It is sooooo nice for both of you that you have this kind of relationship. I am so very jealous.

 

[Nancy]

My suggestion is to look for a counselor that specializes in adolescent issues.

Nancy

 

[witzend]

Ask friends and/or coworkers if they can refer a good counselor. A good counselor is WONDERFUL, but a bad counselor makes things worse. I have never gone wrong when I've gotten a recommendation from someone I trust.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks all.

Nancy, I sure will. Thanks.

 

[DDD]

Once again you have chosen the "right" way to approach Jumper. You make me smile because you often seem so very very unsure of what to do or what to say......then......VOILA! you make the perfect choice. Hugs. DDD

 

[welcometowitsend]

Way to go MWM! It sounds like Jumper is on the right track to getting through this and with your help she will do just fine!

 

[DammitJanet]

Mid-evil Times is wonderful if you have never been there before. I took my boys there for Thanksgiving one year...well not the same on you are going to but the one in Myrtle Beach but the acts are all the same. I think you will love it.