Hazoi, that's pretty much. Detach my emotions from his actions right now. Don't take it personal.
We know he comes from a family that has no respect for anyone or anything beyond themselves. It would seem he's learned that. (I also know, fwiw, he has learning disabilities that his mom not only ignored, but swept under the rug to avoid - HER kid doesn't have problems...) (and no, we didn't talk about him...only about things he himself said in our previous session in relation so what's going on it my own head and how to deal with both...) So basically, if he'll listen to the counselor, we hold the "what to do" conversations there. A piece at a time, the bar of expectations gets raised, and we discuss how actions demonstrate respect for someone else, and hopefully, eventually, we bring in how not doing this or that impacts other people.
For now, it is "I need you to do this" and uber praise when he does.
I have to decide where to start at our next session...and I haven't gotten that done yet. I can't decide if I want to address the accident, or continue with things that need to be done at home. In my mind, the things at home are an extension of the underlying problem and what took place during and after the accident...but it may be too soon to make that leap with him.
As long as he's willing to work towards what they're saying is a healthier level of "being" together (which we work together to agree upon with the counselors), then I operate a whole lot like we do with the difficult child's...its not that they choose to be bad, they just haven't learned any other skills. Once he gets that life isn't a free ride courtesy of your spouse, if he chooses to continue the same way...well, that's another matter and I'll be single. But for now, I treat it as a skill he is lacking until he demonstrates otherwise.
Also, I should not engage with him. Ever. Detach. Last night, on the way to dinner for cgfg's birthday, he was driving down the road in a residential area, a half mile from the restaraunt. Cgfg was in the back seat, and she was talking about shooting a bow in gym class. husband was trying to demonstrate a draw, and had let go of the steering wheel, turned around to look at her, and had his hands in a position like he were drawing a bow and arrow back. While we are traveling down the road. I told him to turn around and drive, there was nothing about her gym class that wouldn't wait 800 yards. He snapped at me, told me its no different than me dialing my cell phone, and he started swerving all over the road deliberately, mocking me. I bit, and engaged (this is supposed to be my spouse, why wouldn't I?) I said I can dial my phone without looking at it, and I don't let go of the wheel to do it ever. Oh, he was mad! What she told me to do today was to say 'I understand that is your perception, but it does not impact that fact that right now you need to put your hands on the steering wheel and drive, or let me drive." Basically, he's a teenager. When he's "attacked", he's going to "attack back" to get the heat off himself. Detach. Don't engage.
She has kept and will keep a male counselor in the room when he's there, also. She feels he needs to hear a mans perspective, too. She does not think we will get this done without a male input to begin with. Turns out, this particular man also has a son with severe autism. He gets it.
I have no idea if it will work, but quite frankly, what do I have to lose at this point? in my humble opinion, not a dang thing. As it is, I have no marriage.
how far away are you again lol
