Just left the counselor's office...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Apr 21, 2011.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Armed with some new tools and strategies. Hopefully enough to keep my sanity and buy some time to find out if husband is really invested in fixing this or not.

    She said again that he didn't grow uP in a family that taught him respect, so when the going got tough, he has fallen into a pattern of known behavior, and that I am going to have to essentially parent him and teach him these things. Build the house brick by brick.

    But she, too, sees that conflicting 'thing', whatever it is, that suggests he does care despite every action screaming otherwise...

    It's kinda like I have to detach from him in order to have a prayer of saving this marriage. Ugh. I can do this, right?
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Well, you've got a lot of practice in parenting difficult kids already, so some of it is just variations on a theme, right? Except for having to de-program him first (I guess that's the detachment part?).
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Shari you can literally do anything you put your mind too! I'm always behind you. so I gotta grasp this, how do you teach him without him knowing your teaching him?? share some tools LOL........ this is a new concept unlike any counselor's ever told me. :) how far away are you again lol
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hazoi, that's pretty much. Detach my emotions from his actions right now. Don't take it personal.

    We know he comes from a family that has no respect for anyone or anything beyond themselves. It would seem he's learned that. (I also know, fwiw, he has learning disabilities that his mom not only ignored, but swept under the rug to avoid - HER kid doesn't have problems...) (and no, we didn't talk about him...only about things he himself said in our previous session in relation so what's going on it my own head and how to deal with both...) So basically, if he'll listen to the counselor, we hold the "what to do" conversations there. A piece at a time, the bar of expectations gets raised, and we discuss how actions demonstrate respect for someone else, and hopefully, eventually, we bring in how not doing this or that impacts other people.

    For now, it is "I need you to do this" and uber praise when he does.

    I have to decide where to start at our next session...and I haven't gotten that done yet. I can't decide if I want to address the accident, or continue with things that need to be done at home. In my mind, the things at home are an extension of the underlying problem and what took place during and after the accident...but it may be too soon to make that leap with him.

    As long as he's willing to work towards what they're saying is a healthier level of "being" together (which we work together to agree upon with the counselors), then I operate a whole lot like we do with the difficult child's...its not that they choose to be bad, they just haven't learned any other skills. Once he gets that life isn't a free ride courtesy of your spouse, if he chooses to continue the same way...well, that's another matter and I'll be single. But for now, I treat it as a skill he is lacking until he demonstrates otherwise.

    Also, I should not engage with him. Ever. Detach. Last night, on the way to dinner for cgfg's birthday, he was driving down the road in a residential area, a half mile from the restaraunt. Cgfg was in the back seat, and she was talking about shooting a bow in gym class. husband was trying to demonstrate a draw, and had let go of the steering wheel, turned around to look at her, and had his hands in a position like he were drawing a bow and arrow back. While we are traveling down the road. I told him to turn around and drive, there was nothing about her gym class that wouldn't wait 800 yards. He snapped at me, told me its no different than me dialing my cell phone, and he started swerving all over the road deliberately, mocking me. I bit, and engaged (this is supposed to be my spouse, why wouldn't I?) I said I can dial my phone without looking at it, and I don't let go of the wheel to do it ever. Oh, he was mad! What she told me to do today was to say 'I understand that is your perception, but it does not impact that fact that right now you need to put your hands on the steering wheel and drive, or let me drive." Basically, he's a teenager. When he's "attacked", he's going to "attack back" to get the heat off himself. Detach. Don't engage.

    She has kept and will keep a male counselor in the room when he's there, also. She feels he needs to hear a mans perspective, too. She does not think we will get this done without a male input to begin with. Turns out, this particular man also has a son with severe autism. He gets it.

    I have no idea if it will work, but quite frankly, what do I have to lose at this point? in my humble opinion, not a dang thing. As it is, I have no marriage.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2011
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Would something as simple as "What didn't occur at the time of and directly after my accident brought this into focus" work to connect it for him?
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't know.

    We used to lease a hayfield and got a really good rate because the owners knew my situation with DEX and Wee. I knew that, and I was very thankful for it. Well, when his parents kept putting cows on it, these people figured we didn't need that hayfield anymore (they were giving us something to help us out, and obviously, we didn't need it cause we were giving it away) and leased it to someone else for much more money.

    I get it. Makes perfect sense to me. I am not angry. He and his parents? Very angry about it. How dare they....those cows are eating GRASS not HAY.

    So can he make that leap? I really do not know.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    So like training a pup you may have to rub his nose in it and are worried it's too early?
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yeah. Pretty much.

    But I gotta get to a point that I can live with him and what's happened, too. He can't change the past, and I don't care as long as we get to a point that it stops repeating itself. But to get to that point, he's gotta get that I'm mad about this and WHY. And I just don't know if he's there. Liek I said, the hayfield makes perfect sense to me. They completely do not understand. His mother could not understand why telling the entire family to lie to me about cgfg having that video game was in any way disrespectful to me or undermining us as her parents. Could not grasp that.

    I have no idea if it will work. Its making sense in my mind. Might not make sense anywhere else in the universe, tho. But like I said, what's really at stake here?
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And he really does not get that his actions are disrespectful to me. Not at all. Counselor saw that, too. I'm not sure what his definition of respect is, but it seems to have nothing to do with how you behave towards another person. So I don't know if "what happened during the accident made me realize this" is a leap he can make. I'm leaning towards probably not....