Just needing some moral support


Well-Known Member
I think a lot of you may relate to some of this. I think I doing the right thing but it's hard.

difficult child 2 got a DUI a year ago last January. He did end up with probation but in this state, if you're in a rural area, probation is almost impossible. They want you to drive to the main office (75 miles one way)three times per week plus go to two AA meetings per week but there is only one close by so that means a fourth trip the 75 miles. difficult child doesn't have a vehicle that will go that far and even if he did, he wouldn't have the gas money as he is not working but nobody will hire you when you have to be off 4 days per week. So he was supposed to have court tomorrow and the plan was that he would just sit out his sentence and fines - probably 4-6 months. He does have a wife and 4 kids but I guess they would have to manage.

So today he called and wanted $200 (which I don't have anyway) so he can not appear tomorrow, and change his plea to not guilty. He wants to fight the charges. In the first place he is guilty and in the second place he has no money for a lawyer.

My mother and I have helped him out from the time he started getting in trouble in his early teens. At one point my mother inherited $500,000. She spend most of it on difficult child and was broke when she died. He is now nearly 27 years old; doesn't have a job; has 4 kids; doesn't pay his utilities; lives in my house for free; and wants more help.

When I told him today I would not/could not help him, he got very insulting to me. Then he says I will never see my grandkids again as he is going to jail and wife is moving back to Oklahoma with the kids. Apparently the fact that he broke the law and I can't help means he is innocent and I am guilty. I have had it! I told him they would have to do whatever they need to do and it's not my problem. I know he will never learn to be responsible unless I make him and even then I have my doubts.

If it were only difficult child and his wife I'd be glad to get rid of them but I feel bad about the grandkids but at this point I can either keep on ruining my own life or write them off and let the chips fall where they may. I can't raise his kids; I raised my own and I'm too old to start over.

I really don't expect any great advice for him as he is getting what he deserves. I just need some moral support here and a place to sound off.



You have my support and prayers :) I wish I knew what to say, the rite things, but just know you and your family is thought of. Hugs


Active Member
Hugs for your hurting heart Mutt. I feel the same way about my difficult child. It does hurt a mothers heart, but in the long run I know it is the right thing to do.


Big hugs I can totally understand how much harder it is when there is grandkids. I have 2 grandsons im not allowed to see im fighting in court but that's another long story. I know how much it breaks our hearts but we cant be our difficult child s doormat s I will keep you in my prayers


Well-Known Member
Oh Mutt, I am so sorry for what seems to be going on. Hopefully it is just difficult child blowing smoke about the grandkids. His wife may very well want to stay put. Didnt she have some trouble down in OK?

Personally I am exhausted with these semi grown, almost 30 year old men and women who want to try to manipulate their parents. I include mine in that sentence. You are doing the right thing even if it is the only thing you can do. Maybe its good you dont have the money so you cant be tempted.

Hugs, I can so relate.


You have my support 100%. So long as difficult child's are blaming outward & throwing guilt & punishment around - nothing we say or do can change anything.

I am so sorry your heart is hurting


Active Member
Thank God he didn't kill himself or anyone else! I'm so sorry he's figured out a way to punish you for his bone head actions.


PS the moron who hit my van a couple months ago blew almost 3 times the legal limit - not a scratch on him but me 2 surgeries & 3 casts later and still have limited use of my right hand (was jacking up van to change tire when he hit) guess I should just be glad it wasn't my time or I wouldn't be here.


Well-Known Member
He'd be far better off to go to court and explain his willingness to work within the system and the difficulties he faces following through, get his probation, and work with his PO at his first meeting to discuss alternatives that would allow him to comply without 4 75 mile trips a week. Why would they want someone with a DUI to drive at all? I don't get it.

There are AA meetings available online. It's a pity he chose to make up his mind about what is available to him in the world and get nasty with you rather than face up to the consequences of his own actions. Typical difficult child, though. Here's a link if you feel up to sending it to him. Or finding someone else that will send it to him along with a swift kick in the pants for being such a selfish jerk.



Well-Known Member
I know it's hurtful, you're only good for what you can do for him. Hugs, it hurts, I get it and am so sorry.