Just needing some moral support

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by muttmeister, Apr 21, 2014.

  1. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of you may relate to some of this. I think I doing the right thing but it's hard.

    difficult child 2 got a DUI a year ago last January. He did end up with probation but in this state, if you're in a rural area, probation is almost impossible. They want you to drive to the main office (75 miles one way)three times per week plus go to two AA meetings per week but there is only one close by so that means a fourth trip the 75 miles. difficult child doesn't have a vehicle that will go that far and even if he did, he wouldn't have the gas money as he is not working but nobody will hire you when you have to be off 4 days per week. So he was supposed to have court tomorrow and the plan was that he would just sit out his sentence and fines - probably 4-6 months. He does have a wife and 4 kids but I guess they would have to manage.

    So today he called and wanted $200 (which I don't have anyway) so he can not appear tomorrow, and change his plea to not guilty. He wants to fight the charges. In the first place he is guilty and in the second place he has no money for a lawyer.

    My mother and I have helped him out from the time he started getting in trouble in his early teens. At one point my mother inherited $500,000. She spend most of it on difficult child and was broke when she died. He is now nearly 27 years old; doesn't have a job; has 4 kids; doesn't pay his utilities; lives in my house for free; and wants more help.

    When I told him today I would not/could not help him, he got very insulting to me. Then he says I will never see my grandkids again as he is going to jail and wife is moving back to Oklahoma with the kids. Apparently the fact that he broke the law and I can't help means he is innocent and I am guilty. I have had it! I told him they would have to do whatever they need to do and it's not my problem. I know he will never learn to be responsible unless I make him and even then I have my doubts.

    If it were only difficult child and his wife I'd be glad to get rid of them but I feel bad about the grandkids but at this point I can either keep on ruining my own life or write them off and let the chips fall where they may. I can't raise his kids; I raised my own and I'm too old to start over.

    I really don't expect any great advice for him as he is getting what he deserves. I just need some moral support here and a place to sound off.

  2. Confused

    Confused Guest

    You have my support and prayers :) I wish I knew what to say, the rite things, but just know you and your family is thought of. Hugs
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think you could get a lot of good help on Parent Emeritus. There are others in your shoes.
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Hugs for your hurting heart Mutt. I feel the same way about my difficult child. It does hurt a mothers heart, but in the long run I know it is the right thing to do.
  5. wg67

    wg67 Member

    Big hugs I can totally understand how much harder it is when there is grandkids. I have 2 grandsons im not allowed to see im fighting in court but that's another long story. I know how much it breaks our hearts but we cant be our difficult child s doormat s I will keep you in my prayers
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Oh Mutt, I am so sorry for what seems to be going on. Hopefully it is just difficult child blowing smoke about the grandkids. His wife may very well want to stay put. Didnt she have some trouble down in OK?

    Personally I am exhausted with these semi grown, almost 30 year old men and women who want to try to manipulate their parents. I include mine in that sentence. You are doing the right thing even if it is the only thing you can do. Maybe its good you dont have the money so you cant be tempted.

    Hugs, I can so relate.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lots of good thoughts, understanding, and prayers being sent to you.
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You have my support 100%. So long as difficult child's are blaming outward & throwing guilt & punishment around - nothing we say or do can change anything.

    I am so sorry your heart is hurting
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs. You ARE doing the right thing. It's hard... Magic wands are in short supply.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sorry he is trying to use your grandkids against you. You did the right thing. Hugs
  11. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Thank God he didn't kill himself or anyone else! I'm so sorry he's figured out a way to punish you for his bone head actions.


    PS the moron who hit my van a couple months ago blew almost 3 times the legal limit - not a scratch on him but me 2 surgeries & 3 casts later and still have limited use of my right hand (was jacking up van to change tire when he hit) guess I should just be glad it wasn't my time or I wouldn't be here.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    He'd be far better off to go to court and explain his willingness to work within the system and the difficulties he faces following through, get his probation, and work with his PO at his first meeting to discuss alternatives that would allow him to comply without 4 75 mile trips a week. Why would they want someone with a DUI to drive at all? I don't get it.

    There are AA meetings available online. It's a pity he chose to make up his mind about what is available to him in the world and get nasty with you rather than face up to the consequences of his own actions. Typical difficult child, though. Here's a link if you feel up to sending it to him. Or finding someone else that will send it to him along with a swift kick in the pants for being such a selfish jerk.

  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I know it's hurtful, you're only good for what you can do for him. Hugs, it hurts, I get it and am so sorry.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    {{hugs}} You know you are doing the right thing. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Take care.