Kjs, i know

[kris]

<span style="color: #333399">we've been tossing a raft of suggestions & guidance at you the past few days. i also realize that this can be as overwhelming as your current situation is for you. so my question is this:

have you been able to sor through any of these suggestions? what are your thoughts on some of the things we are saying?

it's important for us to get feedback from you so we can hopefully help you find a better, more peaceful place.

kris </span>

 

[Kjs]

Trying to read more on what is expected at school. What IEP is suppose to do. right now he is being removed from class for any talking, even if it is just plain talking. Then when he is told to leave he gets upset and yells things. When he gets frustrated or has missing work and needs help(because he wasn't in class) he shuts down. he says "I don't get it" and refuses to go on. Does not want anyone to tell him how to do it. He actually thinks he should know how to do everything. I am currently reading about the laws, and printing things to get organized for an IEP meeting. I did not know he was not being attended to properly.
right now..he called. He is getting upset and really getting to me. Because he has been consumed by this online game, because of him refusing to do work in class, missing assignments the way he speaks to me, I have taken away the keyboard from the computer. He is flipping out and yelling at me. Making me feel bad. I told him he will face consequences (for the first time in his life). I feel extremely guilty for taking away the computer. Right or wrong?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

With all due respect K, I believe you need to focus more on you than on how difficult child affects you.

You said he called just now, is he not in school today? I agree you need to prepare and educate yourself for the next meeting. Your difficult child sounds alike like my difficult child back in second grade. He would get upset at something small, shut down or rage, leave the classroom, miss instructional time, then upon returning would be frustrated because he missed lessons.

It's so important to get a handle on these kids and keep them in school. Go ahead and do your best to prepare for this IEP meeting. But you also have to focus on yourself. You are going to have to detach from interacting with your husband and detach from resonding to difficult child other than setting down the rules. When he responds negatively, shut down and walk away. Let him yell to the empty space all he wants. You lay down the expectations and the consequences and beyond that, nothing.

This may help you in the short run. In the long run you will have to find the time to take care of yourself. You could be dealing with serious anxiety and stress from dealing with your son and your husband all this time. Get a handle on that, please make an appointment with your doctor.

Sharon

 

[Lothlorien]

no, you are not wrong for taking the computer away. Boundaries are good. If he doesn't do his work, he doesn't get time on the computer. My suuggestion to you is this, however; Set the rule ahead of time. Let him know, during a quiet time, that if he does what he needs to accomplish, he will be allowed a certain time on the computer. If he doesn't get it done, he doesn't get computer time. Remind him when he gets home from school.

When he does get computer time, set a time limit. Set the timer and remind him 10 or so many minutes before then again at two minutes.

 

[Hound dog]

kjs

You are perfectly right in making difficult child face concequences for his behavior. Our kids having disorders doesn't give them a free pass. And your choice for dicipline sounds perfectly reasonable to me. (I would have done the same)

hugs

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #660000">heard the term *computer privelegs*? it is a privelege, not a right to have access to the computer or any gaming equipment. no, you're doing the right thing.

turn a deaf ear to the ugly things he say. use the old "i'm you'r glue. whatever you say to me bounces off & sticks to you." philosphy lol. might be a good idea to go read that detachment link i gave you yesterday.

now the big question what are you doing for YOU today???

kris </span>

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #660000">ICAM with-little dude's mom. you need to get yourself in a better place before you will be able to deal with-the myriad of other issues.

good luck with-the IEP meeting.

kris </span>

 

[mum2JK&TH]

Kjs, I definately know where you are coming from when it comes to the computer and video games. I know this may seem like an odd question but which game is it that he is obsessed with? Computer issues are big here, with one currently going on.

He sounds incredibly frustrated, as do you. Reminds me of my difficult child and myself. Mornings are the worst and if not properly tended too end up with he leaving for school upset and stressed and me wanting to run away, things then spiral down for him at school. I have to agree with one of the posts in another thread that he seems to be trying hard to please you and get your approval. It's funny how much they want to please us and with that brings the stress, the anger, the hostility...I am guessing husband does not have the same problems with your difficult child as you do?

It also seems like the situation at school is stressful. If he is convinced that nothing is going right, he won't try. My difficult child will argue and backtalk when in trouble. Main thing we have tried to tell the teachers is to not engage. He's looking for a battle and when you feed into it, he looks for more.

Your family is spiraling down in a negative cycle. I agree with everyone that you need to deal with you first. When difficult child was at his worst, I was put on medications too. I was not helping him, I was what was making him worse. Secondly, you and husband need to be on the same page, if your not, it'll never work. At this point in time you both have to realize that this is about helping him. If his environment is hostile then you can't expect him to act any different.

I would also ask for the school psychologist (ours is from the school board) for any doctors or clinics that offer teaching skills for both parents and children that they can refer you too. Look up chapters or organizations that may be able to help with councilling or even babysitters so that you can get out for some you time.

I wish you all the best with the IEP meeting. Keep your chin up, you are doing the best that you can do. We all make mistakes and all we can do is try better the next time.

One thing I find helpful too is to make sure I tell difficult child at least one good thing about him and something great that he did each day, no matter how small. They need to feel like they can do something right.

Keep your expectations realistic. It's not easy with these kids.

(((HUGS)))

 

[KateM]

Kjs, you sound so overwhelmed with all you are dealing with. You have received alot of good advice from caring people in this post and your others. I don't have any advice to add , except to emphasize the importance of putting yourself first and seeking support for yourself.

To answer your question, absolutely you are correct in taking away computer priveleges. These kids need boundaries and to see their actions have consquences. I have found with my difficult child that having clear consquences and maintaining a "neutral" (non-emotional)stance in discussions goes a long way in helping him reign himself in.