Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Goalkeeper21, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. Goalkeeper21

    Goalkeeper21 New Member

    I only joined this forum a month ago but I really want/need to say how amazed I am by the strength so many of the moms exhibit in light of their trying situations. It's been almost a month since my 18 year old son moved out to live wth his very, very young girlfriend. I cry everyday because our contact is minimal and when he does text me he is so very rude and disrespectful. I have second guessed our every decision and spend every sleepless night wondering if we will ever be able to reconnect with our son. He is supposed to start school in the fall on a full ride scholarship, but the girlfriend's family is trying to talk him into giving it up and commuting to the local community college (The girlfriend's mom will drive him everyday to and from school). I know he needs to make his own decisions but this one will truly break my heart. The girlfriend's family has seemed to have done a Hare Krishna brainwashing because he tells everyone that will listen that we regularly abused him (not true) and that it is soooo nice to have a loving family that supports him. How quickly he forgets that we paid thousands for travel soccer, private school, and a car (not new). It amazes me how quickly he can hurt those who have always supported him - we never miss any of our kids activities for a family he has only known 2 months. I often wonder how long the fairy tale relationship can last and how do we pick up the pieces when its over. But by reading so many of the posts I am truly getting stronger and just want to say thanks for all the wonderful moms who are truly the epitome of strength. THX
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Goalkeeper, thanx for the nice post!

    I cant remember if I welcomed you on your first post or not so if I didnt, welcome. The last couple of months have been a bit hectic for me so my memory isnt what it should be...lol.

    I sure hope your son gets the blinders off in regards to this relationship and college. Boy will he regret throwing away a full ride. Unfortunately at 18, they think they are too smart and we are too stupid so they wont listen to anything we tell them.

    Good luck...
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Goalkeeper:hugs:

    Your son is currently living the "honeymoon" phase with girlfriend's family. It will wear off eventually. It's that "grass is greener over there" thing. I'm going to guess girlfriend's parents give him more freedom, thus you guys must have "abused" him. phht.

    My easy child had a full ride scholarship to John's Hopkins Uni and the Medical school. She got pregnant a few weeks before graduation. She decided that she didn't want to be away from family during her pregnancy and with a baby so she turned the scholarship down. I tried hard to encourage her to go, her boyfriend (now her husband) told her he'd go with her, but she refused. So we came up with an alternate plan. She went to the local community college and graduated with her associates in nursing. She's still working on her bachelor's.....one quarter to go if life would just stop getting in her way. lol Then will come her masters.

    Life doesn't always play out like we plan it, whether it be with difficult children or pcs. If your son gives up this opportunity it will be a shame. But that doesn't mean he can't get a good education.

    You're right. He's old enough to make his own decisions, even when they're the wrong ones. Stinks. But not much you can do but pray he comes to his senses soon.

  4. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Welcome and many (((hugs))) to you. I know how it feels to be disrespected and treated like dirt by my difficult child who I gave everything to. Just like you, I have heard that my difficult child tells everyone that I abused her and am a mean person. Nothing could be further from the truth. They feel the need to say that because they know that if they told the truth then no one would take them in or give them a chance. I would be happy if I knew difficult child would go to college and be taken care of by her boyfriend's family! If they are that foolish they deserve to have her.

    Just wait till your difficult child acts out with the girlfriend's parents. What he says about you he will start saying similar about them and then they will KNOW what he's really like. My difficult child's boyfriend's parents let her stay there twice and that was the end of it. Now they are threatening to call police if she so much as steps on their property. Too late for difficult child, I already evicted her from my home so now when she does get out of jail she will still be homeless because I will NOT take her back in my home and be subjected to HER abuse of me and my home again. I don't care if she does have to sleep in a gutter, better that than me in the hospital because of a nervous breakdown or worse.

    Once the difficult child makes their choices and tells you to go to H, make them live with the consequences of their (poor) decisions or it will ALWAYS (in their opinion) be your fault and not theirs.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Goal Keeper -

    You are just as remarkable as any of us!

    As far as being disrespected and abused? Pick a day and tell yourself and your son - IT STOPS TODAY. When he texts back - Tell him - THE FOUL, NASTINESS - I DO NOT DESERVE IT, I'm NOT TAKING ANY MORE OF YOUR **** - and as far as I am concerned? You call me? It had better be with sincerity and the respect I deserve. Otherwise I'm hanging up. Then do it. He will probably either test your theory OR not call you. But what is the use of him calling 3 out of 5 times and three times is nasty and two times is begging for something? NOTHING - He's Mr. Big - let him figure it out. HE is actually the one that needs YOU - So let him come - and LET him be nice and LET him play by FAMILY RULES - Family doesn't treat family like he's treating you. If he were a punk on the street? Would you take it? Nope - so don't take it from him either. Right now begin detaching, allow him to make his own way, own life, own mistakes - and when he can talk to you decent and NOT ask you for something? Then start a dialogue. Until that happens? Don't even accept his calls.....get someone else to read them, and if they aren't nice - tell them not to tell you about it. Just have them say - Maybe next time huh? And let it go.

    This is the part where HE grows up - and YOU let him do it. That way maybe in a couple years or less HE comes to you and says "WOW Mom - did I mess up - I'm sorry. Otherwise - You are just going to have a lifetime of THIS - and misery and so will he.

    Hugs -
  6. Goalkeeper21

    Goalkeeper21 New Member

    Thanks to all for the tough love advice. I picked a day and laid down the law to my son. The only way we will talk is if it is nondegrading and respectful. At first he tried my patience by sending the same nasty text over and over, but I refused to respond. It took a couple of days, but the next text I received actually contained the words "thank you". I was shocked. We still have not even started to reconnect with our son as he still lives with his 14 year old girlfriend and her parents but I have to admit that I am in a small way happy with the little step I made in demanding his respect and actually getting it. I soooooo wish I would have done so earlier.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    First of all, welcome!! Second of all, don't ever kick yourself for not doing something earlier. It takes a long time to figure this stuff out and some of us never do, but the fact that you did it and he's showing you some respect is awesome!! Better late than never, right??? I think sometimes difficult child's use us as punching bags because for some reason they think they can and that we will always tolerate it, but it comes as a real shocker to them the day they realize they can't do that anymore. Stick to your guns and hopefully it will only continue to get even better.
  8. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Wait--14-year-old girlfriend??? Does no one in this situation see the dire legal consequences of this? If their relationship is sexual--and it very likely is, if he's living in her house--it's statutory rape. Someone needs to step up and at least very sternly warn him and the girl's parents that this is a VERY dicey legal situation.

    If he's got a free ride at a 4-year college but is considering rejecting it for community college instead--well, I don't know what I'd do, but I would be incredibly alarmed and vehement about this. This is the sort of mistake with a VERY long tail--please advise him emphatically (perhaps you already have) that this would be an *incredibly* unwise move. It's SO hard to get kids through college these days, given how expensive it is--it just makes me crazy to imagine a kid punting a full ride.

    OK, maybe I'm freaking out here--time for a cocktail. I just can't imagine how very alarmed I'd be at the double whammy of these two simultaneous concerns. Either one could blow up and have very lasting negative consequences.
  9. AHF

    AHF Member

    mrsammler is right on. The number of men who live THE REST OF THEIR LIVES with the stigma of being a sex offender because their 14-year-old girlfriend's broke up with them and decided to press charges is heartbreaking. Maybe you can't give him this news--but if an adult male can, it might sink in.