Lack of Boundaries

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by GStorm, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    I feel like I am going nuts. I have been to my therapist, primary care provider, and a substitute pastor, telling them all about how hopeless I feel. I pray about this issue with my son and let God know how hurt I am. Once I talk, I am okay for awhile and then it bothers me again and I feel sad that: my son has moved away, that I have been left holding the bag, and he has hurt me so badly & really does not seem to have a clue. It is now 4 a.m. I am getting up at 6 a.m. to go to my job as a counselor
    How ironic, huh? I am so hurt, angry, and depressed. I had thoughts of not wanting to live, but that is not the answer. I just need to keep giving it to God and not taking it back.
    The church service on Sunday talked about what we are going to do in the new year. It (the video) suggested GIVING UP....wanting to control, wanting it my way, and enabling. I just feel dumb that I went up to thus substitute pastor and blurted out my story. I am sure I overwhelmed him, because he referred me on to a counselor, prayed with me about R.J. but I just got the sense that he wanted to run away from me. I feel bad about that. I feel stupid and lonely. I think Satan is telling me to just keep rhis all inside,no one really wants to help, you made your bed by enabling it, so now you have to lie in it.
    God, help me. Any support is appreciated. I feel a tear going down my cheek.
    Gail
     
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Gail

    I am up with insomnia I often have when my heart is aching about my sons situation.

    You are not alone. This is a club none of us asked to join, but we are here together nonetheless

    It is difficult to discuss with many people. Hopefully you can see your pastors efforts to connect you with a counselor as a good thing. This is the subject of prayers but also of professional support

    You are doing the loving work of being the parent of a struggling adult child and it is painful. But it can also ease with support and time. Many of the veterans on the forum started out here despondent and exhausted from all they had tried and endured. Coming here and telling your story is such a hopeful and important step in becoming stronger for yourself and your child. Letting yourself grieve is part of the process of acceptance.

    I’m glad you found the forum.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I don't know what issues your son has, but I have found help at AlAnon for families. I go tonight for a meeting. It's not just for people who loves someone with an addiction... Some times the addiction is ours...in that we can't stop our behavior. I get so enmeshed in my child's problem, that I have problems.

    There is a book called CoDependent No More that is helpful. You probably know all these things, but so hard to live it.

    There is a wonderful post in the Parent Emeritus forum about detachment. It's always one of the first four posts. It has a lot of good information.

    Keep coming back to this site...it helps to talk to others who know what you are going thru. Ksm
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gail, welcome. I'm sorry you're going thru this with your son. When our kids go off the rails for whatever reasons, it is devastating for us parents.

    As a counselor you are likely aware of the supports available to us......You didn't mention anything about your son, but if he struggles with mental illness, perhaps NAMI might help. They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness and they can be accessed on line. They offer parent courses many of us have taken....they're excellent and can help us with resources, support, guidance and information.

    I found this site 6 years ago in the middle of the night..... desperate, scared and filled with sorrow about my daughter......finding others who share this journey was invaluable. Writing down my story was cathartic and offered me empathy, compassion and insights which helped me to survive and begin to learn how to let go and accept what I can't control. It's not an easy path when it involves our precious children. The grief we feel is staggering.....it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.....and yet......there is life after enabling.....

    I think many of us hear that same internal dialogue.....however, in the sharing of our stories, that dissipates......you're not alone, we're all in that same boat, just at different places in the fogginess of trying to love our kids without enabling them.

    Continue to share your story. Continue getting as much support as you can. I'm glad you found us. You are not alone.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Gail
    Know you are not alone. I too found this site it fits of deep dispare and insomnia over my son.

    It had been a try avid send of advice and warm loving people.

    You are right this is not the answer. I have been there too. It is a permanent solution to a temporary issue.
    Stay and post and get support here. And again you are not alone.
     
  6. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

     
  7. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you so much for responding. As you can see, it is the wee hours of thw morning. I think God wakes me up to get my support from this website and to give me time to spend with Him. I really appreciate your caring, your wisdom, and reaching out. God bless you. Gail
     
  8. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you so much for your support, reaching out, and carng.God Bless you,
    Gail
     
  9. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Well, it is an ongoing process of me dealing with my son. I continue to feel at times that I am losing my mind. Part of it is he starts to show some responsibility and that is when I cave. He continues to lie and I am monitoring whether he makes the car payment. He just got his first full pay check & as far as he is concerned, life is great. I am going to gave to stop the insurance for the car this month, know that he is driving a car that will need to be inspected again for him to get new state plates, & new car insurance. The car is pretty well trashed and he is still oblivious to what else needs to be done ( the right front wheel is on the rim, the catalytic converter needs replacing, etc.) So there is a risk of him getting in an accident, hurting or killing himself or others.I have told him all of this PLUS the expense DMV will charge if he does not gave these things taken care of. If the car was paid for and not in my name, it would ve different, but I know I am just going to have to bite the bullet and LET HIM NOT ME DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. I mean, really, how many times does he need to be told? So by Feb 20th, I am stopping the insurance. He says he will now be able to make the car payment. I want to make sure it is paid. Do you think I should still get him to deposit the money in my account & have the finance company take it out of my account automatically?
    When I talk to my son on the phone, everyrhing sounds reasonable and I start to cave & believe that THIS TIME, he will take care if it....but I am leary. I think that is a good thing dont y'all?
    GStorm
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    With his history, although you want to believe all is well, I would not trust him for at least one to two years of his living a responsible life. That is how long it took us to trust our daughter after she quit drugs. It takes time to change. And effort.

    Words are cheap. They are noise. Actions matter, not words. Actions over periods of time. Many of our kids are good con artists with great abilities to twist our conversations to their advantage and confuse us until we are dizzy. But we can't let them obscure logic.

    Maybe think about this.Why did you give your son a car in your name? Is he responsible? A careful sober driver? If he is not sober giving your son a car is ignoring all the safe drivers on the road whom he could kill. Why would you risk this tragedy? He won't pay and may be a liability on the road. Of course I don't know his story and did not read the whole thread. Maybe he is sober. I still don't know why you gave him a car in your name. It is risky.

    So I guess for me the short answer is that you need to be VERY leery and be driven by his actions, not nice sounding words.

    I hope you come to peace with who your son is at this time. Right now you can't trust him. Maybe he will get into treatment and change. In the current moment this is not who he is. It is good he is working right now. That is a good sign. How old is your son? The longer he had been at this, the harder it will be for him to change. But you, precious kind-hearted mom, also need to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are better off, as is son, if you stay out of his life and don't interfer with adult choices he must make. Nor rescue him from bad decisions. He needs to face consequences. You will not be here to rescue him forever.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi G

    If you feel that you must monitor his account to see if he is making the payments, this is a big red flag.

    The problem you have is that the car is in your name, so you are obligated to make sure it is insured.

    You are also obligated to make sure the payments are made, or it goes against your credit.

    Is there any way to transfer the car into your son’s name?

    I would work on disentangling myself financially from my adult son, as first priority. Even if I had to pay it off myself, knowing that son would not pay me back.

    I would be concerned about the liability, should son drive without insurance in a car you own, in case something happens.

    My step-son always make things seem better than they are: jobs, living situations, financial situations, his willingness to make payments and “play by the rules of society”. We have been sucked in by words many times, and the actions don’t back it up.

    So, yes, disentangling yourself from his finances will go a long way toward getting those boundaries set.

    Apple
     
  12. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    My son does not have a problem with alcohol &/or drugs, he lost his job and started spending money on porn....which I did not know about. He had worked for 15 years as a manager of a restaurant. I had already taken one car from him & he walked to work for 4 years. So, then my sister helped him get a car, which broke down. I figured he had shown himself as being responsible so I helped out. I already know I need to get disentangled from him financually. I want to know if I should drop the insurance before he gets it himself. One of my mottos is "Actions speak louder than words." And so now , I am having to eat those words and they don't taste too good.
     
  13. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

     
  14. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    My son does not have a problem with alcohol &/or drugs, he lost his job and started spending money on porn....which I did not know about. He had worked for 15 years as a manager of a restaurant. I had already taken one car from him & he walked to work for 4 years. So, then my sister helped him get a car, which broke down. I figured he had shown himself as being responsible so I helped out. I already know I need to get disentangled from him financually. I want to know if I should drop the insurance before he gets it himself. One of my mottos is "Actions speak louder than words." And so now , I am having to eat those words and they don't taste too good.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He worked somewhere for twenty years. Your son is middle age. in my opinion there does come a time to stop the money. Middle age men tend to be protective of their mothers, not financially dependent on them. He can walk to work. It's healthier and doesn't cost you anything. Yes, some 80 year old mothers still financially "help" 60 year old "kids." Do you want to be that person or him to be than man?

    I don't think we need to reward forty year old men for being responsible. They SHOULD be. If you really want to celebrate, take him to dinner. Forget the car. I don't think that is in his best interests or yours...

    Good luck.
     
  16. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I get nervous when I here of DCs working in the restaurant industry. My husband, other than his Army years, worked in the restaurant business. It is probably more rife with drugs than any industry other than the entertainment business.

    husband was considered to be very unusual because he didn't use drugs on the job, and later on because he didn't allow it in his kitchens.

    From fast food operations selling out of drive-thru windows, to line cooks using coke and Adderal to withstand the grueling hours and physical strain of their jobs, it's all over the place.

    If you go back in the past, Many famous chefs were addicts as well. Anthony Jourdain, who was a cocaine addict, is one who comes to mind immediately.
     
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If the car is in your name, I, personally, would not let the insurance lapse because of the potential liability.

    If the car is not in your name, I would stick with the Feb. 20th date and cancel the insurance, whether he has his own insurance or not.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GN, I think fast food is worse. If there was drug use going on in my restaurant you didn't see it. Not saying nobody did it....heck, they never drug tested and even hired one server who was wearing ankle bracelets for a felony, but there was no windows for drug deals. You came in the front door and got food at your table.I can see how that could happen at McDonalds more.

    At my restaurant one server lit up a joint on our property and he was fired on the spot.

    I don't think our managers were on drugs or all the kids who worked there. But some....ddefinitely. In sort of irony, one of our bartenders was in jail for a while and can't drive because of DUIs. Multiple.

    The restaurant industry is interesting, but not particularly stable. But they give chances to those who have cloudy backgrounds...I have no problem with that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I know of some people who allowed their son to drive illegally in their cars and both were charged. Also police in our area have sensors that can tell if a car is insured just by driving past it. You should be very careful with vehicles in your name. Tired mama
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  20. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you! That answers my question.