Lack of Boundaries

GStorm

Becoming Independent
If the car is in your name, I, personally, would not let the insurance lapse because of the potential liability.

If the car is not in your name, I would stick with the Feb. 20th date and cancel the insurance, whether he has his own insurance or not.
 

GStorm

Becoming Independent
GN, I think fast food is worse. If there was drug use going on in my restaurant you didn't see it. Not saying nobody did it....heck, they never drug tested and even hired one server who was wearing ankle bracelets for a felony, but there was no windows for drug deals. You came in the front door and got food at your table.I can see how that could happen at McDonalds more.

At my restaurant one server lit up a joint on our property and he was fired on the spot.

I don't think our managers were on drugs or all the kids who worked there. But some....ddefinitely. In sort of irony, one of our bartenders was in jail for a while and can't drive because of DUIs. Multiple.

The restaurant industry is interesting, but not particularly stable. But they give chances to those who have cloudy backgrounds...I have no problem with that.
 

GStorm

Becoming Independent

Preface: To Somewhereout there, this whole post is not responding direcly to you, so please don't take offense. I appreciate your response.☺

For you, Yes, these are the same thing my son as a manager said. As far as I know, he was not into alcohol & drugs. His addiction has been porn. After he lost his job, he was spending money that I had been given him to help with his apartment, etc.

So, when I found it out, I had to set strict boundaries, which has been very difficult for me. Also, I co-signed for his car ( I know, I know) and it has made things complicated. He is now in another state and I am not comfortable letting the insurance go until he gets it changed. (I have gotten feedback on this.)

Luckily, he has started back with the car payments. He is such a procrastinator, I do not want him dragging his feet about switching the plates to KY from NC and getting it insured. That is what I am saying. He may very well do it; however, it is agonizing for me until it is done & basically out of my control....unless the car gets put in his name, which will not be possible with his track record probably.

I know I have messed up getting the car in my name as well.I had to set boundaries before & he walked to work (4 miles one way for 4 years.) So, I thought he had learned his lesson, which I think he did. But losing the job in April and finding out he was using the money I gave him PLUS him being hospitalized and evicted was overwhelming.

Yes, he brought a lot of this on his own....and now, because of the financial issues, I am still involved, as much as I want to set boundaries. I am trying really hard to not beat myself up about this. So, (& this is not for you, Somewhereout there .because you were not saying this; but...if one wants to be supportive, please don't tell me I should not have co-signed the car. I have that part figured out.
Thank you,
GStorm
 
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GStorm

Becoming Independent
He worked somewhere for twenty years. Your son is middle age. in my opinion there does come a time to stop the money. Middle age men tend to be protective of their mothers, not financially dependent on them. He can walk to work. It's healthier and doesn't cost you anything. Yes, some 80 year old mothers still financially "help" 60 year old "kids." Do you want to be that person or him to be than man?

I don't think we need to reward forty year old men for being responsible. They SHOULD be. If you really want to celebrate, take him to dinner. Forget the car. I don't think that is in his best interests or yours...

Good luck.
 

GStorm

Becoming Independent
Wow, I feel like you are really beating me up!
I know about STOPPING the money! I know, I know, I know! I am dealing with my addiction to fixing him and shaming me ( as I read your response) is NOT being supportive. Of couse I want him to be a man & I thought he was being one as he was independent & HAD walked to work before. I am feeling bad and shocked that I got hooked by helping him out this time financially. Being aware and changing one's behavior does not happen over night.That is why I sought this website out, for support. It is fine for you to give feedback, but I think you can work on your delivery. Plus, this is so difficult for me, my hyoer-sensitive self is taking your words the wrong way. I am seeing a therapist, going to Al-Anon, & not giving him any more money. But it is still difficult.
Thank you for reading this post.
GStorm
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am not .trying g to beat you to, hon. You are doing the best you can in a bad circumstance. I have been through a lot too. I had to learn. Or not learn. And I made mistakes.

So I gently apologize if I seemed harsh. I was wrong.
 

GStorm

Becoming Independent
Thank you for acknowleding this. I am sure a lot if it has to do with my hyoer-sensitivity, as well as, already beating myself up.
Make it a great day for yourself.
GStorm
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I'm sensitive too and I beat myself up too.

These are our kids. We don't want to think the worst. I know.

Try to find some peace today.

Love and hugs.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Gstorm

This is hard and we all make mistakes. We all think if we just help this one way or this one time, they will be fine.

SWOT means nothing by it but it can come across as harsh.

Sometimes it's good to have one person be your momma and set you straight too! Try to look at it that way.
 

Guidance seeker

Active Member
GStorm - Please don’t feel too bad about how you have helped your son financially. Most of us here have done things that we deeply regret, feeling that we are helping our adult kids but realising afterwards that we wish we hadn’t - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You recognise this and are working hard at doing the best thing.

The whole situation is causing you such anxiety and distress. I encourage you to stick with this site because you can draw strength from it. I am fairly new here myself (joined about a month ago), I found it when I was feeling absolutely desperate about the situation with my 20 year old son and I found the support to be amazing.

I really hope you can get some peace from your worries.
 

GStorm

Becoming Independent
Gstorm

This is hard and we all make mistakes. We all think if we just help this one way or this one time, they will be fine.

SWOT means nothing by it but it can come across as harsh.

Sometimes it's good to have one person be your momma and set you straight too! Try to look at it that way.
You are right! The truth hurts! Thank you for your feed back and concern!
 
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