There is another thread (or two) on the topic of cell phones, I also added a couple of options I've heard about in terms of phones which are very difficult for a kid to abuse, but which still allow the sort of use that we as parents want. You know, "Mum, the bus left without me, I'm stranded" phone calls. Or "Mum, football practice finished early because the coach was sick. Can I get a ride home with Mrs Walsh? She's standing right here to talk to you." But these basic-service phones don't allow phone calls to anyone whose phone number YOU haven't put into the phone previously. No messaging, no photos, no internet. And, of course, there is info on those threads on how to limit services to more standard-type phones.
I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. And logical consequences. It's a policy that reflects life. If your child is mean and hits a friend, then that friend won't want to play with your child. Natural consequence, one that follows regardless of your repsonse (unless you sit with them to resolve the differences).
With difficult child's outburst it's impotant to remember that part of the problem is your son's inability (due to disability) to cope with anxiety, frustration and someone being "in his face". Added to this is his father's method of communicating and resolving conflict (yeah, right). I've learned to NOT react with anger or desire to punish, when my child explodes. I know from my own past experience, that even though I am a calm person, someone who has a great deal of self-control when it comes to not swearing, staying calm, resolving conflict, handlnig a tough situation - if I am REALLY upset, if someone makes me really angry, when I finally DO get sufficiently worked up - then all purgatory breaks loose and I make up for it. Even then I often can stay seemingly calm, although people who know me say even my eyes change colour when I'm really angry.
Example: I don't walk very well so I use an electric mobility scooter (little old lady type). We don't have footpaths on all our roads so I often have to ease down off the end of a path and use the side of the road. I was coming home from the shops and feeling relaxed and happy, when I got suddenly startled by a car coming dangerously close to me, it actually swerved to "buzz" me and they tooted their horn loudly while yelling something out the window at me. My heart rate must have instantly doubled, I went into full panic mode and swore loudly at the driver (who probably didn't hear me, he was probably too ar away and laughing too hard). I was then immediately disgusted with myself for losing control so easily. But it happens. The thing is, although it took a very big, sudden fright to do it, I lost control. Anyone can lose control, with sufficient provocation. A difficult child needs a lot less provocation, so it is difficult to help them over this.
The best way to help difficult child learn self-control is positive motivation. I didn't like how I felt when I was out of control. I would have much preferred to have stayed IN control and perhaps shouted something witty. Or had the presence of mind to note down the number plate and ring the cops. If I had come through that with the presence of mind I would have preferred, it would have been a win for me - "I survived the experience with my dignity intact."
A difficult child who has lost control doesn't like how he feels. I doubt he is trying to divide you and your husband, but he may very well know (as does difficult child 3, with us) that if he really wants something, he needs to ask Mum and not Dad. And whyt is this? Because he knows Mum is trying to help him stay in control, while Dad has his moments of blokey toughness and "I'm the man of the house, that's why" responses which only serve to aggravate the problems, not help the boy stay calm.
When a difficult child loses his cool and shouts at a parent, it's not good. What makes it worse is when a parent immediately sees this as insubordination and responds with more aggression and attempt to control. Buddy - you've already lost control, that is not the way to regain it.
A difficult child out of control is a difficult child who cannot be reasoned with until he calms down. You saw it yourself - your difficult child was trying to regain control but was only able to do so after he got to school and the principal came out. I bet that if the principal had been standing at your gate, difficult child may still possibly have got SOME control at that point but it would have been far more difficult because it was just too soon.
Losing his cool brings its own consequences, in how difficult child will be feeling inside.
What we do - we talk. Once difficult child is calm, we talk calmly about how we could have handed the situation better. How difficult child could have done it better, especially. To do this, if possible you need to talk to husband about how he reacted. It is OK for a parent to admit they contributed, if they can accept that they did. It won't undermine authority to do so; if anything, it gains respect from the child, it teaches the child that it's OK to admit your mistakes and it also teaches honesty about it all. What I aim for is an apology (voluntarily) from the child. If the child feels at all justified, you probably won't get it. But if you make it possible for the child to apologise at least in part, it can open the door to even more. "I'm sorry I lost my temper this morning," is a good start. It doesn't have to be directed to the person he's really angry with (his father) until he's ready to apologise to him. And sometimes it can take an apology from his father first ("I'm sorry I kept shouting at you, son, even after you got angry - I forgot that we now use different ways to handle this situation.") His dad can still have unresolved problems with difficult child (for example, whatever made him angry with him in the first place, such as leaving Dad's best screwdriver set out in the rain) which husband can add in with, "I was angry about the screwdrivers and we still need to discuss what we need to do about this."
The morning rush is the worst time to have to sit down and sort out a problem. No time for family meetings, everyone rushing around, people getting in others' way, people getting impatient with each other. It can trigger a easy child, let alone a difficult child.
Sometimes a problem can start purely from "get out of my way, I'm in a hurry," and escalate to WWIII in seconds. There's nothing to really resolve underneath this, except to try to set up better strategies to avoid this in the future. But if the trigger was, "I was trying to get ready for work and I discovered that difficult child had used the last of my shaving cream to fill my shoes," then that is something that at a later time needs to be sorted out. You sit down and calmly talk about it. In the process of talking about it, ask difficult child what he feels he should have done instead. Ask him how he can make it better. A good consequence in that scenario is difficult child having to clean husband's shoes (maybe all of them?) and go out and buy another tin of shaving cream with his own money. And apologise.
From difficult child's point of view - if you punish difficult child for his outburst, you shouldalso punish husband for escalating it. And if you go there, you can end up on a vert slippery slope indeed.
How will you handle husband over this? And if your method for husband is different, why is this? Is it a more effective method? In which case, why not use it for difficult child as well?
Just some thoughts for you. I realise you were mainly venting, sometimes there's nothing left to do or say but to wipe away your tears and get back on the horse. Just know you're not alone in this posse!
Marg