Letting go, Letting G-d

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by Copabanana, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am posting here a response I began on Lovemyson's thread because it began to go to Foo-land. I am needing to address my overwhelming sense of responsibility to make everything right for my son, do right by my son, and my inconsolable grief and self-attack when it does not work.
    I have been quite sad for the last couple of days.

    I cannot bear to be around my son. That is the truth. How he looks (hoody, slinking around, stained or ragged clothing); how he acts (shirking work, standing around, looking for hand-outs, manipulating, taking the victim, woe as me stance.)

    I despair because there is no way I can help him. I feel I should I want to. But I cannot.

    This gives rise to a feeling I know all so well: like an animal in a trap trying to escape, trying and trying, beating himself against the barrier, until exhausted he gnaws at his own limb and life...to end it.

    I know I upset people when I write stuff like this but this is the reality of the place I go to when I suffer in relation to a loved one where nothing I do or try works. And I feel it is my responsibility to fix it.

    It is this that I need to clarify and to refine for myself. It is no less than a worldview. A view of myself in the world. That I must change.
    I am seeing that this despair must come from the past. When indeed, I had no hope, no chances, no one else than my family. I was trapped. I must have felt true despair. Agony. That nothing I could do would, could save me or anybody else.

    I do not remember feeling this way. But there is no way that I would feel this intensely, this stereotypically, this way, had I not felt exactly this as a small child, in these circumstances.

    Someone I love has disappointed me greatly. Somebody upon whom I depend. Somebody without whom I am lost, bereft. I try and I try. I fail I feel as if I have failed at life.

    The paradox is that I turn: They failed me. Into I failed. That is the missing link.

    On the same thread I had earlier tried to tackle another peace of this.

    Here is what I wrote:

    I do not have time to make sense of it but I wanted to consolidate the thinking on a thread.

    I am seeing the need for a relationship with G-d. There is the sense that a human mortal will always fail. There is the sense of being able to turn over or share impossible burdens. There is forgiveness. There is faith not that the right thing that will happen, but that there is a force in us of goodness, creativity, purpose, hope that in the face of the abyss we can turn to and begin again. Renewal. There is the possibility of commitment not to personal strength or power but to the commitment to return to this fount, no matter what. That is always possible for us. Even in the face of evil. Personal choice to affirm.

    So the disappointment, the despair that I cannot do it, is just the beginning. What I am missing is the piece that I must not punish myself. Destroy myself because I could not. Nobody could. Except the choice to recommit to possibility, to hope, to renewal, to creativity, to purpose. And that cultures far and wide have depended upon belief.

    It is this I could never have because I was failed over and over again, not by myself but by those who could have, should have protected me. M is a highly religious man. I will emulate him. I will believe in hope. I choose to believe.

    My biggest obstacle is this highly stereotypical and relentless self-attack in these kinds of situations.

    I will learn.

  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I copied my last post on the Narcissism thread for here, because I realize it really was the beginning of this new thread.

  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I find the first thing I have to remind myself - multiple times a day - is: do not write the ending to the story.

    Whether it is my complex challenging kid's (or kids') story, or my own story, or some stranger's story...

    I do not know the ending.

    Whenever I start going down that path, I'm learning to recognize it. And in doing so, to stop. STOP. It's a PIVOT point. I do not have to go down that path.

    There are many options for the future. Some, I don't like. Some I do like. And usually many that I'm not even aware of.

    What is important is, what should I be doing today. For me. For my kids, hubby, FOO. What can I do today to make the world a better place. It's about TODAY.
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That you are seeing this is good Copa, it is a pivot point for you. In your childhood, you bore responsibility for everyones welfare, and the results of outcome. The weight of the world on your shoulders. How impossible.
    You are seeing that now and reflecting on it. That is the first step.

    You know Copa, when my two were home and they saw me going through similar emotions, the sadness and grief, feeling I had failed, they got worse. It was if they took their cue from me. I had already sunk the dagger, they pushed me over onto it.
    I took all the burden and sense of responsibility upon myself for their actions, and they jumped on that bandwagon right quick.

    You did not fail your son, Copa. Stuff happened that was out of your control.
    He is young, the book is still unwritten.

    Building a relationship with God is an awesome step. I am not a church goer, but I do have faith. Giving my two over to Him has been my saving grace. Yes, I do falter and despair, but for the most part am greatly comforted in knowing they are being watched over.
    It is too much for me to bear alone.

    Yes, there is all of that and infinitely more.

    You most certainly should not punish or destroy yourself, or think that there is no hope for your son. Copa, I am forever grateful for your introduction of Viktor Frankl here. What a gift he was to mankind. I try my best to think about my twos search for meaning, in that they may rise to their purpose, this helps me to carry on day by day.

    I came across an interesting story I thought you might wish to see.

    I am so glad for you Copa.
    There is always hope.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What a beautiful interview New Leaf. So touching that a person of his magnitude would be hurt and lack the confidence to go on.

    I know very well the Freudian Psychoanalytic perspective and the sense by those that hold this view of their correctness. For quite a long time I believed that. I held the same view of humankind. I have realized only lately the past decade that at the core of me, I believe something quite different.

    I believe as does Viktor Frankl and while I read his book many, many years ago I did not know myself well enough to know I viewed life in a similar way.

    In my work, too, I have been ridiculed. I am not so important that it be surprising that I be ridiculed, what is surprising is that I am quite kind and hopeful in my work. That is what I find remarkable, that kindness and hope would be shunned. But it is.

    I believe that is one reason why this site is so important. Because it does not cost so much to try, to risk to be close to others. We can persist and do persist to break through the bitterness and cynicism that it is all to easy to feel. While we use this bitterness as armor to protect ourselves, to protect ourselves from our beloved own children, we do not have to. And that is what we reach out to teach each other.

    While we move towards detaching and towards self protection the most remarkable thing we give each other is hope. More than care, more than support, we strengthen each other to hope and we support each other to find meaning.

    Thank you.

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    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Wasn't that something, Copa? I thought the same, imagine Viktor Frankl came through the holocaust and then had to struggle and believe in himself enough to go up against the giants of his world. Presenting his ideas at that time, despite ridicule.
    Yes, kindness and hope is a light in the darkness. It is uncomfortable for those who wish to remain in the dark. That is what I saw with the work I did with this non-profit. The leadership that took over just ramrodded through and used any means to get what they wanted. No moral compass or boundaries. The most surprising/disgusting thing is that it is a group that is supposed to be teaching children.

    I feel the same, it is a respite.

    This is so. I am forever grateful for the help and hope I have found here.

    Thank you very much Copa for this thread.

    Letting go and letting God is the foremost way I am surviving the choices and paths of my two. It is great relief to know that a kind, loving Supreme Being cares very deeply, loves completely, each and every one of us. That does not mean He will constantly shield and protect us from all calamity. It means to me that we have someone powerful who looks beyond our faults and believes in us. He believes in us and our potential enough to allow us to stumble and fall and learn from our mistakes.
    We count enough to be forgiven........

    I think that is the prime example of loving detachment........

  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I have been researching things for D H and have been unable to post to us as I would like. I will be back tomorrow, though.

    Copa, I am sorry for the pain. I wish I could take it away. This is your battle Copa, and at the end, you will reap the rewards of the victor. You are doing good work. I am so proud for you that you are able to follow the feelings and define their genesis. I always feel really alone, solitary, judged and condemned, when I am breaking through another level. This will pass Copa, and you will be on the other side.

    We are right here, Copa.

    Well, except for me.

    I have Tai Chi.

    That was a joke.

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  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    Can you move this thread of Copa's over to Failure to Thrive?
    [email protected]
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes, please, RB. Thank you very much for the new thread.