Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I am posting here a response I began on Lovemyson's thread because it began to go to Foo-land. I am needing to address my overwhelming sense of responsibility to make everything right for my son, do right by my son, and my inconsolable grief and self-attack when it does not work.
I cannot bear to be around my son. That is the truth. How he looks (hoody, slinking around, stained or ragged clothing); how he acts (shirking work, standing around, looking for hand-outs, manipulating, taking the victim, woe as me stance.)
I despair because there is no way I can help him. I feel I should I want to. But I cannot.
This gives rise to a feeling I know all so well: like an animal in a trap trying to escape, trying and trying, beating himself against the barrier, until exhausted he gnaws at his own limb and life...to end it.
I know I upset people when I write stuff like this but this is the reality of the place I go to when I suffer in relation to a loved one where nothing I do or try works. And I feel it is my responsibility to fix it.
It is this that I need to clarify and to refine for myself. It is no less than a worldview. A view of myself in the world. That I must change.
I do not remember feeling this way. But there is no way that I would feel this intensely, this stereotypically, this way, had I not felt exactly this as a small child, in these circumstances.
Someone I love has disappointed me greatly. Somebody upon whom I depend. Somebody without whom I am lost, bereft. I try and I try. I fail I feel as if I have failed at life.
The paradox is that I turn: They failed me. Into I failed. That is the missing link.
On the same thread I had earlier tried to tackle another peace of this.
Here is what I wrote:
I am seeing the need for a relationship with G-d. There is the sense that a human mortal will always fail. There is the sense of being able to turn over or share impossible burdens. There is forgiveness. There is faith not that the right thing that will happen, but that there is a force in us of goodness, creativity, purpose, hope that in the face of the abyss we can turn to and begin again. Renewal. There is the possibility of commitment not to personal strength or power but to the commitment to return to this fount, no matter what. That is always possible for us. Even in the face of evil. Personal choice to affirm.
So the disappointment, the despair that I cannot do it, is just the beginning. What I am missing is the piece that I must not punish myself. Destroy myself because I could not. Nobody could. Except the choice to recommit to possibility, to hope, to renewal, to creativity, to purpose. And that cultures far and wide have depended upon belief.
It is this I could never have because I was failed over and over again, not by myself but by those who could have, should have protected me. M is a highly religious man. I will emulate him. I will believe in hope. I choose to believe.
My biggest obstacle is this highly stereotypical and relentless self-attack in these kinds of situations.
I will learn.
COPA
I have been quite sad for the last couple of days.Are your husband and I afraid to die, of letting go, our responsibility for our sons? I mean, it seems to me to be that.
I cannot bear to be around my son. That is the truth. How he looks (hoody, slinking around, stained or ragged clothing); how he acts (shirking work, standing around, looking for hand-outs, manipulating, taking the victim, woe as me stance.)
I despair because there is no way I can help him. I feel I should I want to. But I cannot.
This gives rise to a feeling I know all so well: like an animal in a trap trying to escape, trying and trying, beating himself against the barrier, until exhausted he gnaws at his own limb and life...to end it.
I know I upset people when I write stuff like this but this is the reality of the place I go to when I suffer in relation to a loved one where nothing I do or try works. And I feel it is my responsibility to fix it.
It is this that I need to clarify and to refine for myself. It is no less than a worldview. A view of myself in the world. That I must change.
I am seeing that this despair must come from the past. When indeed, I had no hope, no chances, no one else than my family. I was trapped. I must have felt true despair. Agony. That nothing I could do would, could save me or anybody else.I am afraid that if I face today as it is, that he is impaired...I lose hope
I do not remember feeling this way. But there is no way that I would feel this intensely, this stereotypically, this way, had I not felt exactly this as a small child, in these circumstances.
Someone I love has disappointed me greatly. Somebody upon whom I depend. Somebody without whom I am lost, bereft. I try and I try. I fail I feel as if I have failed at life.
The paradox is that I turn: They failed me. Into I failed. That is the missing link.
On the same thread I had earlier tried to tackle another peace of this.
Here is what I wrote:
Are your husband and I afraid to die, of letting go, our responsibility for our sons? I mean, it seems to me to be that. I am afraid that if I face today as it is, that he is impaired...I lose hope. Which is what you are saying. Is it a question of faith?
This is an interesting question to me. On a number of FOO threads we have been writing about Joseph in the bible and wondering how he was able to hold onto his faith in himself, his belief in his intrinsic value, despite how he was treated. We came to the sense that it was because he felt he was unconditionally loved by his G-d. His image of himself was that. Unconditionally accepted.
I am not a religious woman. I am wondering after reading your post if I have been limited in that in ways I have not yet faced..
I do not have time to make sense of it but I wanted to consolidate the thinking on a thread.So if I look at my sense of reassurance when I saw my son tears, I can see that the tears I need to feel, the hardness I need to see is in me.
What I am saying here (I am clarifying to myself) is that the relationship I seem to be seeking to restore is one between myself and hope. Not between my son and myself. If I believe what you are saying (and I do) my relationship with my son is always there. It is I who doubt..
I am seeing the need for a relationship with G-d. There is the sense that a human mortal will always fail. There is the sense of being able to turn over or share impossible burdens. There is forgiveness. There is faith not that the right thing that will happen, but that there is a force in us of goodness, creativity, purpose, hope that in the face of the abyss we can turn to and begin again. Renewal. There is the possibility of commitment not to personal strength or power but to the commitment to return to this fount, no matter what. That is always possible for us. Even in the face of evil. Personal choice to affirm.
So the disappointment, the despair that I cannot do it, is just the beginning. What I am missing is the piece that I must not punish myself. Destroy myself because I could not. Nobody could. Except the choice to recommit to possibility, to hope, to renewal, to creativity, to purpose. And that cultures far and wide have depended upon belief.
It is this I could never have because I was failed over and over again, not by myself but by those who could have, should have protected me. M is a highly religious man. I will emulate him. I will believe in hope. I choose to believe.
My biggest obstacle is this highly stereotypical and relentless self-attack in these kinds of situations.
I will learn.
COPA