Hello. Obviously I am new here. I have been poking around a bit and the information and support here is tremendous. A little background: I am posting about my boyfriend's son, not my own. I have been dating this man for more than 2 years and his son will be 12 in a few days. Here is what I know: has been evaluated by a neuropsychologist twice, no diagnosis except "processing difficulties." Was in speech at school for awhile. For what it is worth, I have noticed a regression lately in that. He has started to pronounce his V as B, but my boyfriend NEVER notices it. 12 year old is intelligent, but struggles with certain classes at school, especially refuses to do homework. Good grades, just always seems resistant to homework, very literal, needs lots of help, etc. He is extremely manipulative. He taunts his sister (14 months younger) relentlessly and lies about it/pretends to be the victim. He does this in a way where he thinks he is being sly but I see it and sometimes boyfriend does too. He gets great pleasure in getting his sister in trouble and taunts her so she will "blow up" and get in trouble. I will see him actually smile when that happens and he avoids punishment for himself. He feigns complete disbelief if he is called on his behavior. He thinks the rules do not apply to him. He purposely annoys people, e.g., does the exact thing his dad will ask him not to do. He often still has full blown temper tantrums/rages at his age over seemingly silly things. (I know, silly to us, not necessarily to him.) He negotiates EVERYTHING and refuses to take no for an answer if it involves something he wants, eg., what movie to watch, what video game to play, whether to go bowling or something else. He has social problems at school and always has. He is insincere in his apologies and thank yous. He rarely makes eye contact with me (and others) but I have another theory on that. He craves sugar. He is disrespectful and freaks out to get his way. His mother has primary "care" though I would use that terms loosely. She is a narcissist with borderline tendencies (undiagnosed) and uses her kids as pawns in the divorce. They are officially divorced but she still goes into court on a regular basis for the primary need of keeping my boyfriend "engaged." SHe lies to them about their father and also tells them I am a monster and tries to get them to hate me, which is why I think he refuses to engage me; I think he feels disloyal to his mother. Son has been to therapy but I don't know much about that and it is sporadic and inconclusive except that the son has said he hates it. 12 year old dislikes doing things with the family unless it is something he chose. Addicted to video games. I hate not seen violence per se, just violent outbursts. When boyfriend had to put his dog to sleep last fall after 14 years (kids grew up with this dog) the son shed not a tear. That may mean nothing, but if there is anything that can get to us, it is animals. He shows other signs of lack of empathy like no visible affect most of the time, says things like, "I just don't feel like crying about it now" or "I care about dogs just not about cats at all." I would describe him as a button pusher. He lies a lot and I suspect he leaves his father's and goes home and lies about what he did or what his father said and does the same when he comes to his father's from his mother's. (I don't think everything is a lie, I think he lies if it will get him something, earn his mother's love, etc.) I do NOT live with my boyfriend. I have 2 kids, 13 and 14 and they really dislike my boyfriend's kids and use words like, "annoying" and "immature" to describe them. Both true. I have been thinking he has ODD but lately, this past year, his school stuff has improved. He has not gotten in trouble as much and is out of academic support (private school). His social stuff has been a little better too, though being at private school, his outside of school interactions are very limited. He has been sheltered immensely by his mother; she infantilizes them. He did not learn to ride a bike until 9 and just learned to tie his shoes at 11. No kidding there. (Sister also learned late but she has none of the same problems he does.) According to the divorce agreement, both parents have to agree to any kind of medical treatment (won't ever happen) so options are limited. Boyfriend is pushing to get one week on, one week off placement arrangement just to provide the kids with more consistency and support because other house is chaotic. In any event, he seems like he has symptoms of several things: ODD, narcissism, ADHD, autism. The larger issue for me is that this kid is absolutely unlikeable. I dread spending time with him. The lying, the screaming fits, the taunting his sister, etc. I find it most unpleasant. We waited almost a year before spending any time with one another (both families) as we know divorce is difficult, etc. I couldn't wait at first and now I don't want to spend any time with them. I feel terrible for saying he is unlikeable but he is. How can I support my boyfriend and make a life with him if I can't stand his son? My boyfriend wants to live together and start a life and I cannot imagine making my kids live with his kids even if it would not be full time (I have my kids full time but he does not). We talk a lot about different tactics and strategies but nothing works. Son could care less about punishment and reduced privileges. He never hangs out with other kids really except occasional birthday party so difficult to "keep him home." It is all so stressful for me because I know it is not his fault, not my boyfriend's "fault" and yet I am not sure I can bring that into my life. No real solution will work because his mom would never consent. She will disagree at the expense of her own children just to be disagreeable. Is there any hope? Anyone have any sage advice? I am so stressed out and don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings, but really, I can't imagine willingly spending more than the bare minimum time in that situation. As an "outsider" (non-bio parent) I really try not to intervene at all unless in some benign way, like distracting from a blow up or re-directing. As an outsider, I can also sense the tension rising and the meltdowns before my boyfriend can so it, in turn, creates tension in me! Right now they are on spring break and he took a week off work to be with them and I have hardly seen them at all because I dread it. Am I terrible or what? 
