losing my patience and my mind

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by losingmypatience, Sep 26, 2008.

  1. losingmypatience

    losingmypatience New Member

    Hi, I have a 10 year old daughter. She was misdiagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD. She has recently been diagnosed with a conduct disorder with compulsive tendencies. Since she was 3 her behavior has changed each year. Not always worse but definitely different. She is frequently suspended and always in trouble at home. She is always lying about something and for the last couple of month horribly angry. The last few days she has been antagonizing me. I cried last weekend because I couldn't contain it any longer. She now tells me " I hope you don't cry today". Not sweet but condescending. I'm afraid for me because I don't know what she is capable of anymore. I'm also afraid for her because she knows what buttons to push with me. Every night I'm exhausted and every day I hate getting out of bed because I never know what is in store for me.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Patience! I've got to give my difficult child 3 a bath so I can't stay long, but wanted to welcome you to the crowd!

    Grab a copy of Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and try it on for size. If anything, he gives you a real feel for how our kids brains work. It's not super long, and not a lot of babble, but some of the examples he gives from his private practice can really make you laugh!

    More will stop by, Welcome Home!

  3. Exhausted74

    Exhausted74 New Member


    I know exactly how you feel, and our difficult child's are the same age, going through the same thing. It's really hard, and many times I know I could just explode with not only the stresses of everyday life, but how we have to figure out ways to deal with our difficult child. Its so hard to do, and I feel your pain, but the only advice I can give is to read alot on the information you find/ or are given, and you MUST try your hardest to relax and take care of yourself. Many times, I have had to walk away from my son when he starts up.. and I hate doing it, but I have to keep my sanity for the other 3 children I have. When he is done, he comes to me, and apologizes. It's not easy at all..

    One other this is that , I too felt like I didnt want to get out of bed in the mornings, and was getting to the point where I actually didnt get out of bed. I kinda threw my hands up and gave up because I was fed up. I talked to my reg. dr. about this and she recommened that I talk to a mental health provider as well.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2008
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome! I'm glad you found us.

    What kind of doctor gave your daughter a diagnosis of conduct disorder? In general, it's a diagnosis reserved for the over-18 crowd and really not all that helpful in finding the appropriate treatment to help her. It is usually a description of behaviors that have an underlying cause (like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, etc). When the underlying cause is identified and treated (medications, therapy, academic interventions), the unacceptable behavior typically improve.

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us help you.

    Is she taking any medications? If so, what/doses? And are the medications making things better, worse or about the same?
    Is she in therapy?
    How does she do in school, both academically and with peers?
    Any developmental or speech delays?
    Any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?
    What exactly does "compulsive tendencies" mean? How do they manifest themselves?

    When you get a chance, please create a signature similar to mine below (go to User CP at the top of this page). It helps us remember the details of your family every time you post.

    Again, welcome.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i just wanted to jump in and welcome you and say hi! Yes i know it can be quite the challenge, and the days can seem long at times and it can be scarey.........

    the explosive child is a very good book. reading to understand it all does help alot. i sympathize with how you are feeling and know what it is you are saying in regards to the condescending way in which they speak it can be shocking at such a young age. just keep in mind that i often must do that you are strong and more than capable and try to enjoy the good moments as best you can so when the hard one's hit and they do often i know you will be able to ride them out better.

    welcome again, alot of great people here and a great place to just be you and vent

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Losingmypatience, welcome.
    I agree with-the Ross Greene book recommendation (you will be pleasantly surprised to see your child on the pages) and I agree to walk away when your daughter is getting to you. Sometimes you have to shut off your feelings and act like a robot. Sometimes when I hear my difficult child's voice, I pretend it's a yapping dog. It really helps!
    DO take care of yourself.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi! I am glad you found us. You iwll find lots of advice, an tons of support here. And some of us don't type that well, so forgivve me the typos!

    The Explosive Child book is very very helpful. I question the diagnosis your child is given because it doesn't seem to really explain WHY she is behaving that way. What kinds of docs have seen her and evaluated her? I also have found Love and Logic books to be quite helpful - you can check them out at www.loveandlogic.com . They saved my sanity.

    Remember - if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy! So take time for yourself when you can.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would be VERY leery of anyone who diagnosed a ten year old with Conduct Disorder, which is usually the result of untreated mental illness and not diagnosed in children under 18. Who on earth gave her this diagnosis? Are you comfortable with this? If it were my child, I'd have hope--she is still young--and I'd get a neuropsychologist evaluation. A Conduct Disorder diagnosis. isn't very helpful, and usually doesn't stand alone. I'd be looking for different answers. Any mood disorders or substance abuse on the family tree on either side? Any early developmental problems or social cluelessness? in my opinion the diagnosis. is probably not correct and, therefore, she can't get the proper help.
    Welcome :)
  9. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Conduct Disorder is a diagnosis given to children and teens under the age of 18, and to adults over 18 who meet some but not all of the criteria for a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. The personality disorders are generally not 'diagnosed' before age 18 partly because they depend on observation of a pattern of behavior over years, and of functioning that seriously impairs an individual's ability to manage in adult life.

    To add another point of view to the discussion, I would certainly think about how your child was diagnosed, and whether sufficient time was taken for evaluation. But if this was done carefully and other diagnoses were considered in the differential, I don't think the diagnosis should be rejected simply because your child is only ten. While diagnoses can change over time, and traits that meet criteria for Conduct Disorder may and usually will become traits that suggest another diagnosis as an adult, it is important to manage the current problematic behaviors appropriately.

    In the case of a child with CD, usual parenting methods such as love and logic, 123 Magic, and even the methods in The Explosive Child, just don't work. These are great parenting programs, but they aren't the right approach for a child who sees interactions in terms of power, who isn't bonded to an authority figure (for whatever reason), and who hasn't developed true empathy for others. They all assume basic reciprocal values and patterns of behavior that may not be present in a child with CD.

    We tried every program out there, including Ross Greene's program, with our difficult child. None of them worked. They were the wrong treatment. Unfortunately, using the wrong treatment allowed our difficult child's behaviors to worsen until our home was a nightmare. The only methods that had any impact were given us by a therapist skilled in treatment of attachment disorders, but by that time our difficult child was old enough that we could contain, but not alter, his behavior patterns.

    Getting more testing, i.e. neuropsychologist testing and so on, can give more information and information is always good. But you have to cope with behaviors now, every day. What has your doctor recommended for managing with your difficult child on a daily basis?

    {{hugs}} and warm thoughts. You are not alone in this. Feel free to pm me if you want.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! Glad you found us.