lurker new to posting

[Silver Lining]

I've lurked on this forum on and off for years and found it really helpful - thank you everyone! Now I'm finally starting to post.

My difficult child 1 had aggressive meltdowns for many years, but after a couple of hospitalizations, one arrest for battery against me, and lots of good therapy, he's been violence-free for two years. He's still an aspie, and still has difficulties, but they are so much easier to deal with when the violence is gone.

My difficult child 2 is in the psychiatric hospital right now - his sixth hospitalization in the last nine months. He has had big difficulties coming to terms with his GID - his first hospitalization he told me he wanted to wear girl's clothes, his third was to get him through going back to school wearing girl's clothes (couldn't stand wearing boy's clothes, couldn't stand the thought of people looking at him like he was weird). His fifth hospitalization was after he got the letter from school that they are going to have the Human Growth and Development unit, because he hates his body. But the GID is not his only problem - he has had school refusal and separation anxiety issues since he started preschool, and he gets upset and has meltdowns about lots of other things than the GID.

He was out of the psychiatric hospital only 24 hours before he was put back in by the police yesterday. I'd brought him to art therapy (he loves art), but he said he didn't want to do it, instead he wanted to go home and break his door and walls some more. When we got to the art therapy place (same building as his case manager), he started attacking me. It took a whole group of case managers to get him off of me, and they had to lock me in an office to keep him away from me. He hurt them too. He then went outside, attacked our car with a rock and his hands, and then started throwing rocks at people and property, before the police came. He's a sweet, kind, smart boy who loves his mom, except he keeps attacking me.

 

[cubsgirl]

Welcome!

I lurked for years too. This is a great group of people all trying to do what is best for their kids and provide great support to other parents.

Others, who are more knowledgable will come along with questions and comments on your situation.

I just wanted to say welcome and I am so sorry for what you and your difficult child 2 are going through.

 

[DDD]

Welcome. Glad you are ready to post and hope the family gives you lots of support. DDD

 

[Marguerite]

Welcome. I'm glad your difficult child 1 is doing a lot better now.

With difficult child 2, how long has he felt 'wrong' as a boy? I'm a bit wary of this, because it is easy to make a mistake and label a kid s GID (and accept it) when the very acceptance can paint a kid into a corner if it turns out to be just a confused kid and not really GID. You want to be a compassionate, loving and caring parent, but you also need to be careful to not lock the child in to the alternatives.

For example, if the child grows up believing e hs GID and that it means he hates being in the gender nature assigned him, then this can perpetuate it. Some kids might express, early on, that they don't like being whatever gender they are and it need not mean GID. I remember when I was a kid, telling my mother I wished I had been born a boy, because it was a lot more convenient (and looked like fun) to pee standing up. Later at school the boys got to do interesting subjects like woodwork, while the girls were not allowed to do them but instead had to do sewing (I hated my sewing teacher - she was a bully). But no way did I have GID. It could have been misinterpreted as such, though, if it had been known about.

My worry is, your child has an autism diagnosis as well which in my experience means that they tend to grab onto some ideas and stick to them like glue. The ultimate chauvinists.

I shared a flat with a bloke who was a cross-dresser. It was against the law at the time where we were, for a man to go outside dressed as a woman. It would have incurred indecency charges. But my friend found creative ways around the problem. For example, his Scottish heritage allowed him to wear a kilt. He found other skirts that were appropriate (cultural dress ie Tongan kilts; caftans) and often wore those. There ARE ways for a boy to wear androgynous clothing, or more comfortable styles (if they prefer female clothing). My friend said he preferred the feeling of freedom of not having his legs encased in cloth. However, he did take it further and asked me to help him dress and make up as a woman. Difficult, given his five o'clock shadow!

He was also very heterosexual. Nothing gay about him. He had a series of girlfriends over the years I knew him, finally married. His wife did not approve of me (because she blamed me for the cross dressing when she found out - got very angry because she felt I had caused it. Not so). We lost touch years ago. Last time I met them, they had been married for several years and had a little boy. He seemed to me to be very unhappy, but that would not have been marriage in general, just THAT marriage. She was very controlling and would have been preventing him from a lot of his favourite activities, including a lot of the very macho sports he had always been involved with.

There are ways of supporting a GID kid without locking them into it. But the autistic tendencies coupled with the GID really worry me. He sounds like a very confused kid, probably confused about what he is confused about. Which can be very challenging (I was going to say confusing, but thought better of it).

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

What is GID?

 

[Marguerite]

GID = Gender Identity Dysmorphia.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Silver Lining, welcome to our soft corner of the world. Sending some hugs your way tonight! Be sure you are taking care of you! Hugs.