M update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Sep 17, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, things seem to be swirling faster than I can keep up with them.

    The appeal was apparently a very unrealistic situation. Matt's counselor at his camp thinks that we should not wait on the appeal, because he thinks it is really unlikely. Plus we should not wait until he is actually 18 because we will have less legal power to move him. He thinks he should be moved now, before anymore of his roots sink into this placement.

    I have hired an educational consultant, to assist in finding the best placement for M. He flies out to meet M Friday on Utah, and then back to Dallas to meet with me next week. I will have to gather and collect all of M's testing from the last 17 years by next week - I hope I can get it all together, because some of it over the years has been misplaced. Once this guy has gathered all of this data he will give me his best opinions on placement for M. There are many over 18 placements nowadays, and it should not be a problem to find a good fit for him. Of course he could run from anywhere since he is legally "18", but he will be very far away from me, with no money, and no ID, and therefore the incentive is huge in this scenario for him to stay put and work the program.

    However, I am really worried about his emotional state during all of this. I have every worst fear scenario running through my head - and that is not good. I do not want him to become emotional unstable to the point of hurting himself or someone else, or try to run while all of this is happening.

    I am also really worried about myself. I am just not so Steely anymore. I feel my mind is scattering and fragmenting every day. Like I said in my last post, it is not so much about detaching from difficult child, it is more the day in and day out stress of all of these dramas from the last 6 months wreaking havoc on my nervous system. I feel like I am walking around in a permanent PTSD state. Every bell, sound, movement, motion triggers a reaction. And then there is work, where nothing ever seems to go right, even when I think it is, it isn't. I still need to find a new company, but that is impossible to cope with right now. I have this new dr and of course my counselor I am working with. But others can only do so much.

    Just thought I would update you. I never, ever thought my life would ever get this bad. I just wonder what on earth god has put me on this earth for - it feels like I am simply his voo doo doll at this point. I know that is not true. I know there is some reason. And that Matt has a reason too. It is just finding them.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Steely, no advice. Just want you to know I'm thinking about you and sending many gentle hugs your way.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you found someone who is going to assist you in finding something for M. Is it possible that you can get something like a durable power of attorney over him for now? That might keep him from running, if that is a concern. I'm sure that the ed consultant will have ideas.

    I am still worried about you, though. Any chance that you can get away for a few days to a spa or retreat that would be just for you? I know that it is really hard for you to not worry, but maybe if it was something enjoyable for just a day or two, it could help you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Be good to yourself.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    HUGS, Steely. I would say you probably are feeling some PTSD. I think you are handling things very well in regards to M. Please try to take care of yourself too. It's good to see you here!
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's good news that you've found, about other over-18 placements. It sounds like you've had some good advice there.

    As for you - I think you're own personal estimation that there is some PTSD there is perhaps a major understatement. What you describe - it sounds TOO familiar to me. And yes, when it gets to the stage where every little sound, sight, smell, noise - anything out of place seems to set you off again - yep, sounds like PTSD to the point where YOU need someone outside, to help you find your own way back.

    As for you not feeling so Steely - remember the fable of the willow tree, and the grass. The two are talking to one another, the willow tree bragging about how strong is its trunk, how many years it has been growing tall and pitying the grass for being so short, so soft and yielding.
    Then the storm hits. The willow tree stands strong against the wind while the grass is bent flat, blades rippling in the gale.
    But this storm is stronger; the willow IS tall, its top branches and added height that made it stand so proud are now its undoing - because it cannot bend like the grass, it breaks and falls.
    Next morning the willow tree is lying uprooted on the riverbank and already the grass is beginning to stand up straight again.

    Sometimes when we don't feel so strong in the spine, it's a good thing. And from my own recovery from PTSD, when you get to the point where you are now, it DOES feel overwhelming and you DO need help to begin to find your way out. But if you were feeling stronger, then frankly, I would be even more worried because you would be in even more danger of breaking much more seriously.

    Considering how bad you are feeling, considering just how much you have had to deal with in the past year - I am really impressed at how much you are able to do now for your son, in getting his files together, finding an advocate, gathering information and so on. You are managing to be effective, productive and positive despite your own problems.

    When I had my own PTSD is was a combination of personal experiences plus a major natural disaster that was incredibly traumatic for everyone in our area. My own issues compounding it meant that it hit me harder and faster than most others, which meant I was beginning to sort things out (with help) just as everyone else around me was going down with it.

    I normally lick my own wounds and refuse help. However, when I was finding I wasn't coping, when the slightest little thing or change would upset me or make me feel I was back in the trauma, I knew I needed help.
    I didn't need a lot of help, just enough for me to get a sense of direction, from where I could find my own way back.

    What I went through is not what you have been through. Nobody can compare. But what you are dealing with now, in terms of how you are feeling inside - that I recognise. That is why I really worry about YOU, even though I still see you capable of doing some really effective things for your son.

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Very appropriate that you mention the story about the willow. Steely used to be "WeepingWillow".
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Many hugs. I know the PTSD feeling and the worry, though ours was more that our son would kill us than that he would run. IF he ran it would be to come kill us, because that was how he was thinking. I have no clue the degree of your PTSD, though I am very sure it is worse than what I went through. I hope and pray that soon things will be better for you.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well of course you are feeling PTSD. You were having feelings about H, your parents and M prior to any of this. You have past EX junk most likely. You have stuff from your childhood... You have lots of PTSD. So when things like this happen, it tends to trigger and bring out the emotional side of us. Until we can regroup and rebuild. You have been knocked down emotionally right now. You are trying to get back up, but more and more chaos keeps trying to get at you. Searching for all of M's stuff will give you a goal. Kind of a distraction, even though it may bring up more stuff if you read it all.
    Sometimes just having an ally like this Ed. Consultant can start the ball rolling again, towards hope.
    If you don't feel he is safe and they don't seem to *want* him there or can't help him, I would be looking into other options as well.
    What kinds of placements are available for 18 and over? Have you looked into any yet?
    You are doing great trying to avoid worse for M. You could be doing nothing. For yourself or him.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job, Steely! You are a warrior mom even when you are down!
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I worry far more about you than I do Matt. You have had so much happen in a very short span of time. Matt very well may become violent. I don't think he will self-harm -- like my daughter, he's a survivor and has very good self-preservation instincts. Getting in a fight with counselors or group mates I could see. But I do understand and empathize wth your fears. been there done that.

    Hopefully, the ed consultant will help you find a place for Matt and he'll be smart enough to stick it out even when 18.

    Right now, though, you need to take care of YOU. You can't help Matt or anyone else with the way your life is going right now. There is so very much on your plate and you've had no time to recover from one pain when a new one starts. I know money is tight for you, but if you can find a way to take a few days for yourself, please do it. If nothing else, maybe turning your home into a mini spa (candles, soft music, warm baths, no phones, news, etc.) on your next day off will help a little. I'm hoping you have a therapist (sorry, can't remember) that you can talk to and be a good sounding board for you.

    We may not always give you the answers you want, but we're always here for you. Take care of you, please.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Steely,
    I'm glad you've found someone to help with-Matt's placement. Good luck getting all the paperwork together. How do you find time to do that when you work all day?
    I agree with-your PTSD assessment. I wish I could tell you to take it slowly but you're stuck doing all this paperwork and making phonecalls for Matt so it's sooooo hard.
    I'm glad you're seeing doctors, though. Can they temporarily up your medications?
    I like your voodoo doll comment. been there done that!!! My sister calls it Cosmic Pigeon Poop.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I have not gotten to read but a couple of your wonderful replies - but thanks so far.

    Do you have any ideas for me not mentally splintering from this PTSD other than doctors, counseling, medications, etc.? I am skating on thin ice I feel like.

    I like the spa idea, although maybe too expensive at this point. What else have you all done to glue yourselves back together?

    I will read more tonight. I have to go to work. I have spent the whole morning talking to the ed consultant. It is 10am and I am already exhausted.:anxious:
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely...Im glad you have someone looking into after 18 placements...and more than happy that there are places out there now. Hopefully they find the best place for him and he goes without a huge fuss.

    Please take care of you. I know how hard that is.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    To not mentally splinter?

    Get lost in something totally separate from this issue, even for a small period of time. Take a bubble bath with soothing music and candles. Listen to loud music of your favorite bands. If it happens to be raining...go play in the rain. Get ice and hold it in your hands and really feel the cold...then hit it with a hammer to hear it crush. Sit and listen to things...really listen...feel the environment around you, do you feel your feet, your legs, your heartbeat?

    I could go on and on...lol.
  15. No advice, just wanted to send you hugs and support.
  16. Love the sunshine

    Love the sunshine New Member

    To glue myself back together mentally, I...

    Paint. No picture in mind. I just spread paint on paper or canvas and watch the colors spread and mix together. The intent is never a finished product.

    Mold a ball of clay (or play-doh, whatever). Again, just to work with it. I never end up with a finished product.

    Play with my dogs, visit animal adoption centers/pet stores and give the animals love. There is something very soothing/uplifting to me about just being around animals.

    Take care of yourself, Steely.
  17. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<<HUGS>>> know I am praying. PTS is not a fun thing. But know there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Just keep

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmyUkm2qlhA"]YouTube - Finding Nemo - Just Keep Swimming[/ame]

    swimming ><>
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Steely, if a spa weekend is out of the budget, how about a massage here, a pedicure there, another massage... How about a yoga class?
  19. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am glad that you have found that next step (some help to find placement).

    The others have given great ideas on how to take some time for yourself.

    I know it is hard to get into your hobby when things are going bad (I had a hard time getting back into scrapbooking when difficult child's world fell apart) but it really is a good idea to keep up with whatever you love to do.

    How about purchasing a tub and start filling it with things Matt will need at his new home. Personal care items, phone cards, clothes, etc. Once you find out where it will be, call and ask staff what is allowed to bring in. He may need laundry detergent to do his own clothes?

    Go on a walk everyday.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If it were me, I'd sleep late, cook myself a good, old-fashioned southern breakfast (I can't help you on eating healthy :D ), pamper my body with a long shower, doing nails, etc., then get a good book that I really want to read and go sit in a park or at one of those Starbucks that's inside the bookstore and read a long time. I like to watercolor, but haven't done that in years- is there anything you used to like to do but haven't done in a long time?

    I say all this, but I have to admit, when difficult child was in detention, I didn't do anything but try to work on how to help him, try to figure out options, cry, talk to attny's.... I guess it's tough to get past that. Especially when we feel like they are going to need someone to do something, because no one else will. But I can tell you, both times after difficult child has come home from juvy, I sit here asking myself "why didn't I do such-and-such while I had the time?"

    So, any word from this ed spec yet about his ideas?
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2008