M update

[TerryJ2]

I love hugging my dogs. Sometimes I sit on the floor and just cry and hug them.

Steely, do you have pets?

Walking in the rain is a great idea.

When I'm depressed, I tend to just wander around the house when no one is home, read "eye candy" magazines (which means looking at the pictures), drinking tea, and cancelling/rearranging all of my appts. I have never, ever had anyone yell at me for changing an appointment. (Yet.) I have been d*mn lucky. But when I need a break, I need one. I just tell them that something came up and I have to reschedule.

Can you take a day off of work and give yourself a 3-day weekend?

DON'T watch the news. I personally think it's depressing.
DO watch America's Funniest Home Videos. They're so stupid and bizarre, they're hysterical.

 

[witzend]

Terry's right. There were times when Funniest Home Videos saved my sanity!

 

[Steely]

To not mentally splinter?

Get lost in something totally separate from this issue, even for a small period of time. Take a bubble bath with soothing music and candles. Listen to loud music of your favorite bands. If it happens to be raining...go play in the rain. Get ice and hold it in your hands and really feel the cold...then hit it with a hammer to hear it crush. Sit and listen to things...really listen...feel the environment around you, do you feel your feet, your legs, your heartbeat?

I could go on and on...lol.

WOW Janet........that is impactful. It is exactly what I need. To be in touch with reality, somehow.

I love Finding Nemo........my favorite movie. Just keep swimming.

My whole house as a spa, there is novel concept. First it would need to be clean, maybe I need to hire a maid, first.

And yes, I have 3 beautiful dogs, that I often sit and love on. In fact last night when I awoke in the middle of the night to a full blown anxiety attack, one of them jumped up next to me, curled around my back, and amazingly my breathing started to calm.

I have talked to my counselor today, and my dr. And at length the ed consultant - and I went to work. I have made lot's of progress - but yet I have vascillated from full blown anxiety attacks to peace. It is surreal. There is so much triggering every minute of every day, that I feel on edge by my own self

Last night I got a picture of Matt at the ranch..........and from afar........this picture was a carbon copy of my sister at that age. My sister has always been a tomboy, and Matt has his hair really long - and the 2 of them have the exact same facial structure. It just sent me right on over the edge. My reality became blurred, and every 30 minutes I had to remind myself that Matt was alive. He really is. Despite the fact I have not heard from him via the phone in a month, or seen him in month, or even received a letter from him in a week...........he is still alive. This is the hardest part in all of this.

I have a dr who is helping with medications, and now I am on more than I care to write about, but I am giving myself permission to be on these until the transition is complete and I am able to stabilize.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Go buy a coloring book and a box of crayons! I love to color. I get lost in it and it brings me back to my youth.

I like the clay idea. Why not make some homemade clay? Then just play with it.

Love the home spa too. Treat yourself to a new shade of nail polish. Fill a pot or tub with warm soapy water, soak your feet, and give them the royal treatment. Give yourself a facial (there are recipes for homemade scrubs all over the interwebz).

Read the comics.

Bake some chocolate chip cookies. Then mail some to me.

Sometimes just for fun, I open Microsoft Paint, close my eyes, and try to draw a picture.

If you can't find funniest home videos on TV, go to youtube and do a search for Japanese game shows. Or better yet, laughing babies!

Sending all my good thoughts and prayers your way.

XO

 

[DammitJanet]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=+1]Crises Survival Strategies[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]DISTRACT
(to reduce contact with emotional stimuli )[/SIZE][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]A useful way to remember these skills is the phrase
Wise Mind ACCEPTS [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]A[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]CTIVITIES:
Distress Tolerance helps you to feel better, and as you feel better and productive, your self esteem rises and endorphin's are released. When you do physical activity, you can get a good feeling because chemicals release when we exert ourselves. Do something physical like exercise, hobbies, cleaning, go to community events, call or visit a friend, play computer games, go walking, work, play, participate in sports, go out to a meal, have decaf coffee or tea, go fishing, chop wood, do gardening, play pinball. Do whatever works for you.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]C[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]ONTRIBUTING:
Contribute to someone, do volunteer work; give something to someone else, make something nice for someone else, do a surprising, thoughtful thing. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]C[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]OMPARISONS:
Watch disaster movies, watch soap operas, visit an ER waiting room, or a hospital waiting room, compare yourself to people coping the same as you or less well than you. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]E[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]MOTIONS
(Opposite Emotions): Be sure what you do will create the opposite emotion to what you are feeling. You could watch comedies like "I Love Lucy" or "Carol Burnett" or watch emotional movies or listen to emotional music. Read emotional books or stories.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]P[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]USHING AWAY
(use this skill last - as a tuning out): Push the situation away by leaving it for a while, leave the situation mentally. Build an imaginary wall between yourself and the situation or push the situation away by blocking it out of your mind. Censor ruminating. Refuse to think about the painful aspects of the situation. Put the pain on a shelf. Box it up and put it away for a while. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]T[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]HOUGHTS
(other thoughts): Count to 10; count colors in a painting or tree or out the window. Do anything, work puzzles, watch TV, read.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]S[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]ENSATIONS
(other intense sensations): Hold ice in your hand, squeeze a rubber ball very hard, take a hot shower, listen to loud music, sex, snap a rubber band on your wrist, **** on a lemon.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]SELF SOOTHE [/SIZE][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]A way to remember these skills is to think of soothing each of your FIVE SENSES [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With VISION:
Buy one beautiful flower, make one space in a room pretty, light a candle and watch the flame. Set a pretty place at the table, using your best things for a meal. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Go sit in the lobby of a beautiful old hotel. Look at nature around you. Go out in the middle of the night and watch the stars. Walk in a pretty part of the town. Fix your nails so they look pretty. Look at beautiful pictures in a book. Go to a ballet or other dance performance, or watch one on TV. Be mindful of each sight that passes in front of you, not lingering on any. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With HEARING:
Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to invigorating and exciting music. Pay attention to sounds of nature like waves, birds rainfall, rustling leaves. Sing your favorite songs, hum a soothing tune, learn to play an instrument. Call 800 or other information numbers to hear a human voice. Be mindful of any sounds that come your way, letting them go in one ear and out the other. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With SMELL:
Use your favorite perfume or lotions, or try them on in the store, spray fragrance in the air, light a scented candle. Put lemon oil on your furniture. Put potpourris in a bowl in your room. Boil cinnamon, bake cookies, cake or bread. Smell the roses. Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With TASTE:
Have a good meal, have a favorite soothing drink, such as herbal tea or hot chocolate (but no alcohol). Treat yourself to a dessert. Put whipped cream on your coffee. Sample flavors at an ice cream store. **** on a piece of peppermint candy. Chew your favorite gum. Get a little bit of special food you don't usually spend the money on, such as fresh squeezed orange juice or organic vegetables. Really taste the food you eat, eating one thing mindfully and focusing on its taste. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With TOUCH:
Experience whatever you are touching, notice that the touch is soothing. Take a bubble bath, put clean sheets on the bed, pet your dog or cat, have a massage, soak your feet, put creamy lotion on your whole body. Put a cold compress on your forehead, sink into a really comfortable chair in a hotel lobby or in your home, put on a silky blouse, dress, or scarf. Try on fur-lined gloves. Brush your hair for a long time. Hug someone.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]IMPROVE THE MOMENT : [/SIZE][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]A way to remember these skills is in the word IMPROVE [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]I[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]MAGERY:
Imagine very relaxing scenes or soldiers fighting and winning. Imagine a secret room within yourself, seeing how it is decorated. Go into the room whenever you feel threatened. Close the door on anything that can hurt you. Imagine everything going well. Imagine coping well. Make up a fantasy world that is calming and beautiful and let your mind go with it. Imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]M[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]EANING:
(create a track record of endurance) Find or create some purpose, meaning or value in physical or emotional pain. Remember, listen to, or read about spiritual values. Focus on whatever positive aspects of a painful situation you can find. Repeat them over and over in your mind. Make lemonade out of lemons. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]P[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]RAYER:
(walk & talk out loud or kneel and pray to your higher power, to God, Goddess, whoever) Open your heart to a supreme being with great wisdom, whatever that means to you. It could be God or your own wise mind for instance. Ask for the strength to bear the pain in this moment. Turn things over to God or a higher being. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]R[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]ELAXATION:
Find humor and laugh. Try relaxing each large muscle group, starting with your hands and arms, going to the top of your head, and then working down. Listen to a relaxation tape, exercise hard, take a hot bath, or sit in a hot tub. Drink hot milk, massage your neck and scalp, or your calves and feet, get in a tub filled with very cold or hot water and stay in it as long as you can tolerate. Breathe deeply, half-smile, change your facial expression[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]O[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]NE THING IN THE MOMENT:
Focus your entire attention on just what you are doing right now. Keep yourself in the very moment you are in in the present. Focus your entire attention on physical sensations that accompany nonjudgmental tasks. (e.g. walking, washing, doing dishes, cleaning, fixing). Be aware of how your body moves during each task. Do awareness exercises. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]V[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]ACATION:
Give yourself a brief vacation. For instance, from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., get in bed and pull the covers over your head for 20 minutes. Rent a motel room at the beach or in the woods for a day or two. Unplug your phone for a day, or let your answering machine screen your calls. Take a 1 hour breather from work that needs to be done. Look at a magazine, bundle up in a chair, eat slowly. Allow yourself to be a kid again - take a break from adulthood.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]With [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]E[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]NCOURAGEMENT:
Cheer lead yourself. Repeat over and over: 'I can stand it. This won't last forever. I will make it out of this. I'm doing the best I can. I can do it. I am OK.' [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]Thinking of PROS and CONS [/SIZE][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Tahoma,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-serif,sans-serif][SIZE=-1]Make a list of the pros and cons of tolerating the distress. Make another list of the pros and cons of not tolerating the distress - that is, of coping by hurting yourself, abusing alcohol, or drugs, or doing something else impulsive. Focus on long-term goals, the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember times when pain has ended. Think of the positive consequences of tolerating the distress. Imagine in your mind how good you will feel if you achieve your goals, if you don't act impulsively. Think of all of the negative consequences of not tolerating your current distress. Remember what has happened in the past when you have acted impulsively to escape the moment. Ask yourself, 'Will this event that is distressing me going to matter in 5 years?'[/SIZE][/FONT]

 

[KTMom91]

Definitely the color book and a nice box of 64 crayons. They have new colors in there.

Peanut butter play dough. Equal parts peanut butter, honey, and powdered milk. Play with your food.

Sing really loud with the radio.

Get a pedicure and choose some outrageous toe color that you never would have chosen before. I smiled every time I looked down at my teal blue toes!

Treat yourself to just a few very expensive goodies, either chocolates, tea cookies (my weakness), brownies...whatever. Make a nice pot of tea and enjoy the flavor of the goodies.

Make a fashion statement and change your hair color. My haircolor is subject to change without notice, from platinum blonde to burgundy, and everything in between. My favorite was the electric purple. The fifth graders liked it,too.

Take a tap or line dancing class. Something about pounding your feet on the floor, and the satisfying noise that goes along with it, is helpful to me.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!

 

[Marguerite]

You've had some good suggestions. However, I need to point out a couple of thigs.

First, there are two ways to deal with overwhelming emotions:

1) Distraction techniques. This includes humour, it includes being productive with your hands, it includes being so busy with tasks you enjoy (because they are the ones you can also lose yourself in emotionally) that you drag your thoughts AWAY from the confusing mish-mash of images, thoughts and feelings;

and

2) Dive in and deal with it (the opposite tactic).

I used to get a wave of depression (for want of a better term) and I would try to mentally explore it, as much as I could stand to, to try to determine WHAT the emotion exactly was, and WHY I felt that particular emotion right then. If I could identify a cause within myself, then I would try to have my own mental therapy session where I would explore it further, eliminate any negative self-talk, analyse any links to past memories which could be enhancing the emotional response, and so on.
If I could not find such a link then often it was because there WAS no link; in other words, it was a spell of endogenous depression, which was basically depression that just IS. And for that, I used distraction. Back to point 1)
[I did say in another thread, that I am a very pragmatic person!]

With the PTSD, the self-analysis got derailed because the scope was too great, and the images, emotions and thoughts which came rushing at me, often triggered by a sensation, a smell, a word perhaps, would be too overwhelming and too confusing.

However, something I concluded about PTSD - when you go through a major trauma, especially if it is a complex trauma (as mine was) so that images get confused, it can also drag in similar problems/unresolved things from the past and add them to the cake mix that is in the mixing bowl of your brain. The aim in therapy is to somehow reverse entropy - to get the individual ingredients miraculously separated back out of the cake mix and back into their packets, nice and clean. That takes a miracle and generally doesn't happen. The next option is to mentally backtrack over the recipe, to work out what went into the mixing bowl, and when.

I also determined - yes, all this was delayed in onset for some weeks to months after the trauma, but it emerges in pieces, in small amounts, as your brain feels you can handle it. If you don't grab the chance then it will bury itself again and it may take another trauma later in life to bring it all to the surface again. Each time it does this (without any resolution in the meantime) it is bigger and more confused, therefore harder to deal with. So it is important to deal with it as much as you can, as soon as you can. Your brain knows you well and generally won't ask too much of you. But I found - for once, I needed help from someone else, someone I could talk at and who would reflect back to me the message I gave.

I saw a psychiatrist with a good reputation for dealing with PTSD. He came highly recommended. However, he was no good - for me. I felt he gave me no feedback, I felt just as abandoned.
My next step - I had talked to friends who were psychologists, some who offered to help and then backed out of it (I think because they also were traumatised, each in their own way, and were just entering their own milder PTSD).
Third step, and for me, the best - the local church sent for counsellors from outside the community, as they recognised the trauma on a larger scale. I grabbed the chance early, and made use of the lovely man who was counselling our end of town. He did for me what the psychiatrist couldn't do - he gave me feedback. he also made it possible for me to once again find the end of the string of the huge tangled knot of thoughts in my mind, so I could begin to unravel it for myself.

Because of the various problems, I had already begun to bury the trauma again. It didn't all get dealt with. But I think enough got dealt with so I will recognise it when it surfaces again.

The steps in my recovery are probably going to be different for you, because different experiences have been involved, not only in the recent trauma for you, but through all the small unresolved issues in your life, which now are probably being included in the mess this is making in your mind.
Now, I'm taking a risk here when I say this - I do not mean to hurt you. I am remembering posts you made about the time your sister went missing, posts about your parents. I sensed long-term problems with your parents, possibly mild in their minds but not in yours. Because I sensed it in your posts then, I think it was very much raw for you at the time, along with everything else you were feeling. So I think it's quite likely that any past unresolved problems concerning your parents, as well as any issues concerning your relationship with them and with your sister, are all tangled in there now. They may even be a factor in how bad this is for you now. Your concerns for your son are also in there, because you were worried for him at the time as well as how he was taking all this.

If you can, try to identify the emotions you are feeling. it's not easy right now, for several reasons:

1) They're tangled together and confusing each other.

2) It hurts emotionally to try to think about the very things which are upsetting you; the act of trying to think about why you are upset can make you suddenly far more upset. This is another reason for asking for external professional help right now.

I had to go through this, because my family needed me to be able to function. As it turned out, I was getting a handle on myself just in time, just as their own PTSD hit my friends and family, a couple of months later. That doesn't mean I was over it by then - I certainly wasn't. But by then, I could finally see where the path was, and was able to look after myself again.

I had to continue to try to identify the emotions. There was still ongoing trauma - I won't go into details. I also had constant reminders, with news coverage, documentaries, etc as well as people talking about it. I HAD to find ways to cope.

The emotions - at first I thought it was extreme sadness, to the point of despair. I had a new baby so I clung to him like I'd never clung to anything else. He knew nothing of the trauma, so he became my lifeline. He also was to a certain extent my distraction, because I had to be a happy Mummy for my boy and play with him, talk to him, sing to him, stimulate his developing brain.
But sadness - why? What was I sad about? Of course there were obvious things I could point to, but somewhere in there, was more.

Then I realised that this wasn't despair - I could feel the adrenalin underneath, of ANGER. Large, spiky knobs of it. Old anger, too - it went back decades, it went back to childhood, almost to infancy. I tried to hold the mental images associated with the emotions, then I tried to remember what had been happening to me at the time I took that mental snapshot of my past. Then I tried to find a blanketing description of these events, and I realised that it came down to feeling unheard, not valued, of being made to feel insignificant and worthless. I accepted that being angry about this was good, it was positive, because at least it meant I was fighting it.

There are ways of handling this. I won't go any further, because I don't want to lead you in a direction that may not be the right one for you.

This process took me months. Perhaps it should have taken less time. I wish it had, I think I would have dealt with more of it in time, if I had. It took several years before the PTSD became controlled enough to not interfere too badly in my life. Whenever emotions rose, I did the soul-searching thing. When they buried themselves again, I stopped trying to follow them but simply got on with life while I waited.

Each time it all surfaced, it was always in a dose just small enough for me to handle. I would do what I could with it in the small time I had.

And so it goes. The emotions are still raw at times, but I know fully understand where they have come from, and why. I am also trying to learn from it in a practical way, to be careful to not leave the same legacy with my children.

I had a recent conversation with one of my sisters in which some family secrets were revealed. My parents are now gone, I can't talk to anyone in that generation and I really wish I could. But that secret, and the questions it raises, have given me a lot more answers to the murk of emotions I was struggling with.

Steely, you do what you can while you can. Build in the distraction activity for you as well, because you will need it to help you consolidate your progress. Also, continue with anything positive you can do to help your son. Value yourself and your efforts and do not let any of this make you feel worthless - you are not. This is a battle within your own mind, not a battle imposed on you by anyone else. There is no fault in this - it just IS. Do your best to feel good about yourself and what you do. Find the things in yourself that are worth valuing.

Look after yourself. It is also the most effective way to look after your son. You undoubtedly already know this, but the way PTSD can hit you, it doesn't hurt for someone else to keep reminding you.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

At one point in my life (as a teen) I was dealing with a lot and really really really wanted to hurt myself. I would take books and tear them into tiny little pieces. The books were old ones that the used bookstore I worked in had WAY too many of (no one needed 57 copies of Jaws, or of old harlequin romances, etc.... - no real literature was harmed, I promise!). anyway, sometimes I just ripped the books to shreds, and this kept me from ripping myself to shreds.

To pamper yourself you can do a salt scrub very easily. Be sure you have no little cuts on your skin. If you have cuts, do a sugar scrub - substitute sugar for the salt.

Use salt, olive or canola or vegetable oil, and a drop or three of essential oil. Mix them so the salt is well mixed, covered in oil if you will, but the salt should not be dissolved. Same for sugar. If you have coarse grain salt, or turbinado sugar these work well. You can massage your feet and hands with this, then shower it off. If your face is in need of exfoliation the sugar scrub is very nice.

Learn something new. Soapmaking is interesting, you can be creative but there is a lot of stirring which I find mindless and can empty my mind while I do it. I make a homemade soap with ground oats (old fashioned oats run through the blender of food processor until they are not powdered but chopped up some), and essential oils of cinnamon and vanilla. It is great to use.

If you don't want to go the whole soapmaking route, you can buy the melt and pour soap at the hobby store and mix in the oils and oats, even add some shea butter, olive oil, emu oil, or whatever you like to make it more moisturizing. This is a very quick way to have some really nice soap customized for you. You can add your favorite perfume instead of the essential oils if you like.

Make a rice bag with some cloth. Add lavendar from the bulk section of the health food store (or eucalyptus) with the rice. Just sew a square or rectangle, add the rice and lavendar, and sew it shut. Peppermint is also nice when added - if you don't have a health food store you can buy peppermint tea and open up a few bags into the rice bag. This can be microwaved and will be very soothing.

Learn to cross stitch (want me to send you a kit? or a pattern? Just let me know, I have patterns for most everything, and lots and lots of supplies I can share.) Or learn to quilt. Maybe take some of M's old shirts and make a tshirt quilt. If you want to reach out to him, make a lap sized quilt and send it. I did this when my bro was in a car accident. I was several states away and we couldn't afford for me to fly back and see him. I bought 6 bandannas and fabric for the backing and the batting for the insides. I sewed the bandannas together, then finished the quilt and tied it (little knots tied through rather than sewing a pattern through all of the layers). I sent it with a note that it was a hug from me. I even wrote that on the back of the quilt.

Try journaling, write down everything that seems too much to bear. Listen to music and let yourself cry if you need to. I have a friend that cries to Pink Floyd, while Amy Grant tends to help me cry. Whatever helps you let it out. Scream into a pillow.

Bake yourself a coffeecake.

Remember we care about you and M.

 

[busywend]

Perhaps you saw H so much in him because she is there with him, protecting him from harm and helping him grow.

 

[Steely]

Wow.
I am blown away by all of the love and great ideas.

Janet, I am printing off that list, posting it somewhere, and sending some portions to Matt in a letter.

Marg - wow. Your insight about PTSD is extensive, and you hit the nail on the head in every aspect. Every iota of what you said is true. In fact, later today, I think I will post on the watercooler the exact knots in my string that I already know are still not unraveled, in an attempt to decode some of this. I talked to my counselor last night, and it became striking how deep M leaving is tapping into multiple traumas that I have had starting in childhood.

Busywend, your one sentence made my heart leap for joy. You are SO right! That is what it is. She is there with him. That is why he looks so much like her.

I realized this morning the intensity of the incredibly striking, and serendipitous event of that book my old friend returned to me. I think I told you all about it -
but one hour before Matt lost it, and I had to call the police - a friend I had not seen in over a year just stopped by. She hugged me, and by then I was already crying. She told me that she wanted to return a book I had loaned her 2 years ago. I took the book from her hand, and I almost fell to my knees. It was a book H. had given me 3 years ago as a birthday present. It was not just any book, but a book by Natalie Goldman on how to write, because H knew I loved to write, and was always encouraging me to pursue that. It was a really meaningful present because at the time H and I had just resolved some of our own issues.

That book is still sitting on my coffee table, because an hour later M had knocked me down, the police were called, he was in a psychiatric hospital and than on to Utah. I saw it again this morning, and was once again blown away, as I realized H was there the whole time. I was blown away that it was important enough for her to know that she was with me in spirit, that she made sure I physically knew it. Just blown away.

She loved M more than anything - and when she first died I felt strongly she would never leave his side. You are right busywend - she is with him, so much so I can see it. And she is with me.

 

[Marguerite]

Steely - how much did M know about that book being returned? You were excited enough to tell us about it - what did you say to him? (if anything) I'm wondering if there might have been a trigger for him... he's young, he's male, they can often react aggressively when trying to deal (inappropriately) with grief.

Or his attack could have been any one of a lot of other things. But the timing does seem awfully close. It might be worth mentioning to his counsellors (or whatever passes for them where he is).

Marg

 

[Steely]

M knew nothing of the book. He was already escalating for days before that, and he was in his room when all of this happened. I think, although now that you mention it I am not sure.

I know he had already been telling me for 2 days the ways he was going to commit suicide, and he already taken a bunch of pills the day before. (He should have already been hospitalized at this point, but I was not thinking or operating correctly - obviously.) He was screaming at me for help!!!! The more I am able to reflect, I see how hard he was yelling at me to help him, and I just was so confused and numb, and overwhelmed I did not know which way to turn.

Once at the psychiatric hospital, and I told M about placing him out of the home, he started crying, and said,
"I knew this was coming."
"All I ask is that you find out who hurt H."
And he hugged me, and then said,
"Mom, you smell like H., please find out who killed her."

 

[Hound dog]

Steely I'm so glad you have someone to help you with difficult child's placement.

When life overwhelms me I have a couple of techniques to keep me from going into overload and falling to pieces.

I use the total emmersion. Doesn't matter really what it is as long as it's something I enjoy.

And or, I set small goals for myself inorder to "take the bull by the horns" approach. As in.......today I will call this person and take care of this issue....

Lots of times it's the combination of the two.

If I'm in that moment where you know that at any second you're gonna fall apart, I go into my room. I close the door. Turn on the fans to drown out the world and ly down. Sleep may or may not come. But I ly down until eventually I begin to relax and I no longer feel like I'm drowning.

Others had some wonderful suggestions I may try out myself. lol

((hugs))

 

[amazeofgrace]

still praying, check in when you can, we're thinking about you

 

[KTMom91]

Mnay hugs and many prayers for you and for M.