Manchild problems the saga continues

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by SoStressedIJustCan't, Dec 24, 2016.

  1. Yesterday was a bad day, it made me realise how crucial it is to let the situation with my manchild go. I have found 3 locations for AA meetings near me and I plan to attend next week. My husband had a back injury from last week at work and decided it was no better yesterday so he went to the dr. While he was there they took his BiPolar (BP) and it was really high. Needless to say I belive the pain and stress of our manchild could kill him. We ended up in the hospital until they got his BiPolar (BP) under control. It's was 181 over 94 when we left. When he was admitted it was 175 over 113. I'm going to try and get him to come to some meetings too. We all need it I think. Manchild and myself got into again yesterday because I wouldn't bring him to my house to bathe and clean up. He again told me what a lousy parent I am. I deleted the messages and refused to participate. I did tell him we need some serious time apart and he needs to start texting and calling other people, not me. Unfortunately, I know he'll still pester me.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon. I'm sorry about all that happened. Unfortunately the worry of living with and thinking constantly about them CAN kill us. And our getting sick over their plight in no way makes them more functional so what is the point? By the way, block son from your phone. Just do it. It will calm you down.

    I am a big fan of living Fantastic older years. We earned it. Our adult children are not going to listen to what we say. They know what we want them to do but they are no longer ten years old and do not have that child's desire to please us anymore. Most will give up a warm home with us in order to do what they like. Homelessness is better than listening to us.

    We have NO power to influence them. None. They change when they want to change and not due to our pleas or our disappointment.

    We are all adults here. They do what they want and to be healthy and happy we have to let go of their outcome and start living for us, not anyone else. Sometimes like you we get to see how the stress affects us.

    Very sadly it is rare for the types of adult children we have to express worry over us, like we do over them is it worth it when our despair wont help?

    I suggest therapy if you need it to get over the constant worry over an adult child. Al Anon is also very good. We must do this for ourselves or else we don't function. And this doesnt help our grown children function so it's lose/lose.

    Every one of us can change how we cope with our adult children. We do not have to suffer.

    Yes, we love them and remember kinder days. Yes, we are connected. But we can't change them and we are separate people and o it is not healthy for them or us to cling beyond a certain age...20? Helicopter parenting a grown kid is a recipe for failure and disaster.

    It is never a smart or healthy idea to try to hover over another person. They run from it.

    We often neglect our other loved ones for them. Marriages implode and adult kids who are doing well are neglected. We live in a toxic bubble dancing with our toxic adult child.

    I hope you can do what is necessary. Hopefully less stress will help your husband
    Your son has no right to make anyone sick.

    Big hugs and well wishes. Enjoy Christmas :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2016
  3. Thank you for the advise and kind words. Listening to everyone here I feel has made me a little stronger. I am going to go to AA next week, I'm excited and I hope I learned alot.
     
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I want to welcome you here. I read your other thread and this one, and am replying to both of them on this one, so you only have to read here. I am so sorry you needed to find us, and for your troubles, but I am so glad that you did find us. You will find a TON of support here and people who truly do understand, who have walked in your shoes. There isn't ANYTHING you cannot say here. Truly there isn't.

    I second the recommendation to block your son's number. His texts don't accomplish anything but to bring pain and anguish. NOTHING he tells you is the truth. You know that someone with a substance abuse problem is lying if his lips are moving or he is trying to communicate in any other way. They are incapable of telling the truth about even the smallest thing. If they tell you that the grass is green, you have to go and check it out.

    I want you to look up a member named Darkwing Psyduck. He is a very sweet young man who is around here sometimes. He is a recovering addict who treated his family horribly. He came from a difficult family and got into drugs. He has a very clear opinion, hates how he behaved as an addict, and would have clear opinions on your son's behavior. He also would tell you that you have NO business feeling ANY guilt or shame - those are what your son should be feeling. His posts can explain what is going on with an addict far more clearly than I can.

    By the way, I think the facial sores are likely to be meth more than cocaine. Short term use of cocaine is not likely to cause facial sores. Long term use can cause users to pick at their skin causing sores, or injection of drugs can cause abscesses, but if he isn't using needles this isn't likely. Meth on the other hand can cause sores after a very short time because of the impurities and the chemicals used to make it. Facial sores are a big tip off to meth use, actually. Google "Faces of Meth" to find some truly eye opening pictures of people on meth. A police officer started taking photos of people he arrested for meth use/possession over and over to show how it impacted them over time. Even he was shocked at how rapidly it changed their appearances. I know that the photos are used in some schools as part of the drug abuse prevention programs.

    I am sorry about your husband's blood pressure problems. The stress of your son certainly isn't helping. Just for information, this site used to use certain abbreviations for disorders, so the letters B P together are used to mean bipolar disorder. This is why it was changed in your post - it happens automatically so that search engines can help people find us. Those of us reading your post understand that you meant blood pressure. I hope that they can adjust his medication and that he can use techniques like meditation to help keep it under control. Maybe if you have a pet that could help? Time with a pet has been proven to lower blood pressure, so if you don't have one but he likes animals, maybe you could have one visit him? Just a thought.

    Alanon can be truly helpful. Please take a week or two and go to all of the meetings that you can before you choose which meeting is right for you. Each meeting has a different dynamic and feel, so some may feel better than others for you.

    I know in some ways it feels like you have to bury your son. Those feelings are NOT WRONG. You likely do need to mourn the hopes and dreams you had for your son. He is an addict and you have to let go of your idea of who he is. He isn't that person right now. That person is inside of him, but it is buried under the drugs and everything that eh does and says is controlled by the drugs, not by him or his morals or values or thoughts. You have to mourn those dreams so that you can move on to accept your new reality and build a new future for yourself, one that accepts who he has CHOSEN to be, and who he will CHOSE to be in the future. He is showing you who he is choosing to be. You have to accept that at some point. But you also have to figure out how to let go of all those dreams.

    I know it was incredibly hard for me. I had to let go of my dreams of who my brother was, and of who my son was (although my son's issues are not drugs, they were equally devastating). At one time I even took down every photo of my children from my home. I could not look at them. My oldest son looks EXACTLY like my youngest son, and having photos of only my daughter (middle child) up was just strange, so I took all the photos down and put up pictures of other things instead. I emotionally buried my dreams for my son, and for the family I dreamed of. Then I could rebuild my dreams around the children and family I actually had, accepting them for the people they were, and that they showed me they were. I think we are truly much happier now, but it was a long and awful road to get here. I am NOT saying you should do this. I am saying that I had to do this. That I had to do this to get to where I am now.

    Drugs/alcohol/his addiction are the ONLY ONLY ONLY thing he cares about. Whatever comes out of his mouth is what he thinks will get him what he needs to get his drug of choice. It isn't about getting money for food. Not a single penny that you give him will go for food. Letting him in for a shower is only to let him in to get his hands on your belongings either to get booze or medication or to get something to sell or to get money. Getting a shower is just the way to get access. Please don't be fooled by his begging and manipulation and ugly words and tears. That is all just fake to get what he wants - his drug of choice. You would NEVER let a stranger treat you this way. Why let your own child, someone who should treat you with love and respect, treat you this way?

    More than that, why let him treat your husband this way? Your son is a grown man and he is endangering your husband's life. The ONLY thing endangering your son's life is your son's CHOICES. Your husband is being endangered by your son's choices and by your husband's love for you. Please choose your husband and put some distance between you and your son. Block the texts and calls for a few weeks at least. Make it your Christmas gift to your husband. If you must take calls from your son, tell him that you will only take calls between certain hours, say two hours that are times when your husband is not at home. Tell your son that the very minute he says something ugly, abusive or manipulative, or that he asks for money or to come into your home, you will hang up.

    Then if your son calls outside of those 2 hours, don't take the call. Send it to voicemail or hang up on him. Don't speak to him. If there is a true emergency, he can have a police officer or someone from a hospital call you. You can then decide if you want to rush down to see him or not.

    In ALL of this, you have to do what seems right to you. You will get LOTS of advice. From lots of people. MANY people in your real life will call you mean, especially if they have spoken to your son and heard his sob stories. I say stories because what he says will depend on what he thinks will make them feel bad and give him what he wants. He will say awful things about you, and most will be terrible lies. IT seems to be part of the substance abuser difficult child handbook. You will need a very thick skin to endure all of this. We used to call it a Warrior Mom's Rhino Skin when I first started to visit this forum. That thick skin will help because it also keeps the nonsense your son will say from hurting as badly. You need to do what you can live with. Sometimes you will know that the right thing is to give him nothing, but you can't sleep knowing he is sleeping on the street in 12 degree weather, so you send him a sleeping bag. That is okay because it isn't all about your son. This is also about YOU and the rest of your family. you have to do what is right for the rest of you also.

    One book that might be a BIG help to you is called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. Many of us have read it and found it very useful.

    It is available for a very reasonable price and is very helpful. The kindle price is amazing right now! It even has a great workbook that is separate but also reasonably priced.

    I hope something I said helps. Please understand that I know that some of what I say MAY be helpful, and some of what I say won't be. I take absolutely no offense when what I say is disregarded or ignored. I expect it. I do hope that you have a Merry Christmas and are able to find some joy in the holiday, even if it is for a short time.
     
  5. Thank you so much for responding. Could my son have mental issues he's trying to self medicate with drugs and alcohol? He didn't seem to have withdrawals after being in jail for the last 7 days. However he's told me before he's got a rash on him from his boyfriend? I'm have no idea what that could be, not sure I want to know. I will get that book, I'm going to read as much as I can. I need to understand all of this as much as possible. You seem so stong and that's where I want/need to be. I've been dealing with these issues for so long is something like second nature now. It's sad. His life is going to change but my life will definitley change and for the better. That's my choice and I talked to my husband today about making our like great regardless of what the children choose to do with theirs. Together my husband and I will be happy, once we get through the sadness. It may take some time but I'm hopeful. I'm sorry that you had to go through any of this as well, but I'm thankful you can be here for people like me that really need some uplifting words. This site and all of the wonderful people are truly going to help me make my life better.