Manchild problems

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by SoStressedIJustCan't, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. I'm so glad I just found this site. I've been trying to find local support groups to no avail. My son has always had behavior issues. My mother and grandmother would always step in to save the day. I belive this is why I am where I am today with my son. We (my husband and I, his step father) put him out around 19. He would not work, didn't want to go to school, just party and sleep all day and night, while getting money from my mom. Well once he was out, my mother paid all of his expenses, I monetarily cut him off. Fast forward, he's now about to be 23, he has been in jail I think 6 times this year, he just got out again yesterday. He lived with my mother and made her life a living hell, when she called the police last week because he wouldn't give her, her car keys it was found he had a warrant and needles to say ended up in jail, thus getting out yesterday. Now he has no home, no car (my mother did a voluntary repo on the 6th car she's bought him) because he wouldn't help her pay for them. Now he's constatly calling me, texting his sister for rides, money etc. (His sister is a freshman in college but work when on breaks. ) I am always either mad, sad, worried or just feeling guilty about the whole situation. I can't seem to get him to understand his problems aren't my problems. He's got my house so stressed out I literally come to work and just cry. Any advise would be greatly appreciated, I can't take much more. Oh and to top it off he won't go anywhere without his boyfriend, and he's homeless too.
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    When he was in jail did they offer him any kind of rehab or treatment for the drug problem? Were the needles found his? I'm surprised they released him considering he's been in jail six times this year. In my city, even after six misdemeanors, you have to stay in jail 30 days. Did his boyfriend bail him out?
  3. No, they let him out on time served. His boyfriend didn't answer his calls note go see him, what a great guy!! He's been in and out of jail for speeding, diving wreckless, failure to appear, fighting. It's crazy that he keeps getting out. My mother bailed him out alot of those times, as usual. He does drink and do drugs but to what extent I don't know. His boyfriend is an alcoholic though, so I fear mine will be heading down that path soon :( I just can't seem to get over my heartbreak, it's very hard to say no to him when he wants something, something as little as food.
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    As far as food, at this point I would just make sure he knows where the soup kitchens and organizations are that serve the homeless. You mentioned he won't go anywhere without his boyfriend who is an alcoholic. The shelters and meal providers wouldn't let his boyfriend in if he's drunk. He may not be in need of money for food. He could be asking you for money to go towards something else. It's hard when he plays on your emotions, especially this time of year.
  5. I'm sure you're right, I thought I would be stronger than this. We live in a small town in order for him to go to a shelter he would need a ride to get there. I wish he would consider going to a half way house. He honestly tells me there's no problems he's just 22 years old. There's excuses for everything and it makes me sad and sick at the same time. I didn't realize how many others are having similar problems.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like he's an addict. People don't normally use needles for recreational use. That's probably why he is always in trouble. Any money you give him for "food" will likely help him buy drugs. It is unlikely he is just a casual drinker too. We mom's tend to be in denial. I know I was. Does he steal? Big red flag for serious drug use.

    in my opinion his boyfriend was smart not to bail him out and your mother is just making things worse. She bought him SIX (6) cars???? Unbelievable. She is either very rich or doesn't mind blowing the money she has. That blew me away. I'm glad she finally gets it.

    I am so sad for your heart, but your son is now a man who is breaking the law and refusing to live a normal life. You didn't make these decisions for him. You are not guilty of anything but loving him. You don't need that on your shoulders.

    It may be a good idea for you to go to an Al Anon meeting
    Trust me, substance abuse is part if not most of why he is in so much trouble. You either need to find a way to cope and to meet understanding peers or he will take you down with him. That is bad for him to see and for you to experience.

    Please remember to be very kind to a super important, kind person...yourself. You did not cause this and you deserve to be happy in spite of your sons struggles.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  7. I have thought of going to some meetings for aa. I wasn't sure if it would really help me or not, but it sure can't hurt. He has stolen small things in the past, like gas or the gas can or change from my change purse. Lately I noticed a bottle of whiskey was gone, he and his boyfriend swear it wasn't them. I know it was one of them. Anyway, my mother is now broke, I paid her bills this month. She's had filed bankruptcy due to her addiction of helping my son. It's a terrible thing to see, and the way he treats her is disgusting after all she's done. I just hope one day he'll grow up and get his life together, I was hopeful because he stated school this year, I think he went maybe two months and quit. He can't finish anything and it's always someone else's fault.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your mother. Her heart was in the right place. It is nice of you to help her out

    Your son is like.most of the adult kids on this forum. They blame everybody for their problems except the face in the mirror. And they all deny what they do.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Do you think the adults in his life could see a counselor or therapist together? Everyone needs to be on the same page so he can't play them against the other... Sorry you are dealing with all this...especially on the holidays. It seems to tug at our heart strings more when it appears everyone else's life looks more together.

  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Sostressed. Welcome.

    It is unimportant that he understand anything. The important thing is that you understand. Let me explain.

    The important thing right now is that you set limits to protect yourself, your home, your marriage, your other children, if any. Your mother unless she is very old or mentally ill is responsible for herself. She made these choices that undercut your authority, put herself at risk, and contribute to your son's harming herself; she will have to take steps to understand her motivations and to gain control.

    You can help her by modeling the process of detachment which you can read about on this site. (There is a page.) You might recommend Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous which are both 12 step groups.

    This is not uncommon on this site, where grandparents take a stance different from a parent, until they too are almost destroyed

    Your son will only "understand" that his problems are not your own, by your setting clear and definite limits which you enforce. It is not to his advantage to understand. Why would he want to? He wants the status quo to continue where he can walk all over others, make others responsible, and deny responsibility for himself or his behavior.

    Al Anon will help you learn how to do this. Almost all of us where in some version of the hell you are living. You can turn this around. And you will.

    I would try very hard to not get into conversations with him beyond words like, hello, goodbye, oh, so and most importantly: No!

    All of these arrests, injecting of drugs, you do not say which. Heroin? Do you know?

    If he wants to live life as a party, what in the world can you do about it? Except to move away from it. And let him live the consequences, as long as he chooses to.

    There is a great deal of help if and when he chooses to avail himself. In jail there are AA and NA groups, there is mental health and medical treatment. Religious services, and pastoral care are available. What can you do if he is uninterested?

    I encourage you to keep posting here, as much as you can. The act of posting helps. It gets the pain outside of you, so that you can begin to detach from it, detach from the power of your son in your mind. Posting on other threads helps too. You have a great deal to offer the rest of us. We are in similar situations as you. And know and feel the same pain.

    To close, I am glad you are here. Take care.
  11. Yes you're right, he is here now and we just had a big fight in front of his boyfriend and my daughter. He wanted to move in and I said no, so he started belittling me as usual. I told him I was done. I wish I could mean it. I really think I need therapy, this is not getting better. Yes my mother's heart was really in the right place he just took complete advantage of her.
  12. I went back and reread what I wrote, I meant needless not needles, sorry. I do know he does bars, I'm told those are Xanax and he came over the other weekend all broke out on his face. He asked me if the cocaine he tried could have cause it and I said I'm sure that's what caused it. I thank you all for listening I just feel helpless, I'm sad all the time and it really hurts. I am going to find the 12 step programs near me and see what I need to do to attend. I think it will help. Somehow I'm going to have to turn this into a positive. My daughter is really upset about all of this too so I may take her with me. My husband is ready for him just to go away. It's hard being in the middle. I never in a million years would have dreamt this life for him. :(
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Maybe you should not let him in the house. Your daughter doesn't need to hear that abuse. Neither do you. Would you put up with his words from anybody else? Nobody has a right to abuse you, and that includes your son.

    If you feel the need to interact with him, you would probably find that a public place is easier. First of all, then your other family members are not involved, secondly he is likely to tone it down in, say, a crowded coffee shop and lastly you can leave and go right home if he gets out of hand. He does not need to be in your home, which is your safe place and sanctuary. The boyfriend sounds like he only makes thing worse. You don't need him in your home either.

    You said you feel helpless. We all are helpless. Not one of us can willfully change a legal adult. Accept that you can do nothing. It is a relief when you realize this. If you have a higher power give your son to the higher powet...God, the universe, Mother Nature whatever you believe in your gut. If you have none just let go of his outcome because you have no other option. Release him to himself and hope he one day turns things around. We have serious limits.

    I hope you decide to shield your self and other loved ones from this son unless he gets his act together, which can be a long way off. Luckily you have another child. Please don't get so wound up with this one child that there is no quality time left for her.

    Do seek help so you can stand strong. Most of us have been in situations similar to yours. And we have learned to take healthy measures to protect ourselves and other loved ones. Be a hero. Be there for husband, daughter...and dearly love yourself because you deserve it.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  14. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm guessing his boyfriend's parents threw him out for the same reason and refuse to let him move back in. Good for you for standing your ground. It's hard when they're homeless. But, the addicted brain thinks it can't stop, and addicts will choose drugs over having a home and a good relationship with their families. If he uses drugs on your house, that could make you subject to arrest, not just him. They live for the moment, not thinking of life tomorrow or next month. People at the shelter can refer him to services to help him stop using drugs. But, only if he wants to take advantage of it. There is nothing more you can do for him if you've let him know where there is a soup kitchen. If he comes around asking for money for food, send him on his way with some sandwiches and bottled water or juice. Money would likely be spent on drugs.
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not want to be harsh. But I want to be direct. Please hear this as support.

    You are not in the middle. If you choose to, you can see that everybody is on the same side. Even your son. Especially your son.

    Your son does not want to have sores on his face. He wants the love of his family, even though he is misusing you. He is acting out because he feels he needs to or even wants to right now, but the child you love is still there.

    He wants you to fight for him, but not in the way that he articulates or demonstrates. He does not want you to give into his demands. He does not need you to capitulate to him.

    Think of him as in his terrible twos, 2 decade later. It is no different. You would never have let him run into the street. If he threw a tantrum, you would contain him with your body, but contain him you would do. You would not let him hit or bite his siblings or you, without a consequence. To protect him and to teach him, you would have acted. I know this.

    This is no different. Believe me. It just seems like it. Yes he has free will. Yes he is legally an adult. But he is acting like an unrestrained and undisciplined child. And you are his mother. You will always be.

    You are not responsible in the same way as 20 years ago. Your responsibility now is to not let him hurt you, your other children, or your family. Your responsibility is to absolutely not allow him to disrespect you or to abuse you and your home or your family.

    Every single one of these things, he needs. He requires. He cannot be allowed to mistreat the people who love him. You are standing up for him, his own best interests, if you stand up for yourself. Any contact that is abusive must stop.

    Do not argue with him; do not fight. I would not engage him at all if he cannot accept your authority. Not over him. Over your home. In your relationship, you are the boss of yourself. He is not the boss of you.

    It is this that your husband and daughter now see. It is not that you are in the middle, as you are still choosing to see yourself that way.

    Honestly, if your son is being so hurtful or if the family is being hurt by his presence or influence, I would call a time out for awhile until it can be determined what exactly you will need to be safe. For 6 months, I would not call my son, nor allow him here. When he called, I said hi, bye, so, and no. Then I set a very firm limit on what I would not talk about. If he crossed that line, I told him I would hang up. And I did.

    You are not alone in any of this. Not any of it. For right now, I think you need to get out of the middle of it. I envision you feeling pulled by both sides. But remember, there is only one side. The right one.

    Our dreams about our children are history, now. They make their own dreams. All of us are in the same boat now. It is hard, I know.
  16. If I could stop giving in, I'll be mad for a little while, then the guilt becomes overwhelming. I just hate the fact that he says I'm a terrible mom and so on, and I think he believes it. I found 3 places that hold aa meetings neat me, I almost can't wait. The boyfriend is nice but he's my daughters age, 18 and has nothing either. He's an alcoholic though, I've been told he's been drinking since he was about 11. I can't help him or mine, once my son leaves tonight I'm going to have to cut this off. I feel like I have to bury him, that's how much it hurts.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I would not encourage his coming to the house for anything, right now. There is food available at soup kitchens, and churches.

    This is the life he is choosing right now. To encourage him to believe there will be support at your house is to support his current lifestyle. That is what I think. What he is living right now is a direct consequence of the lifestyle he is choosing. He needs to get that. The more he has other people he can point to as responsible, the longer it will take to learn.
  18. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    We haven't had these problems with our adopted son yet, but I'm trying to prepare myself for what might happen in the next few years. He was born addicted to cocaine and has serious anxiety problems. Technically, he is an addict. We have warned him what could happen if he ever picks up a drug or even alcohol. His anxiety problems are under control now, but it wasn't always that way. My fear is that one day when he's having a panic attack, he might get Valium from a friend and get hooked. His therapist has given him strategies for the panic disorder, and they really help. I also fear he might try pot because it's going to be legalized. People think it's not addictive, but it is. He has a genetic predisposition plus he was born addicted, so even having a beer could open up a Pandora's box. He will be ridiculed and possibly socially ostracized for not trying pot and drinking, so I came on this site to see if I could help him avoid the temptations and work through the peer pressure he's certain to face. I have students who think there is nothing wrong with underage drinking, but if you were born addicted to cocaine, you're technically an addict.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Why don't you look at old threads. In the upper right corner of the page you will see "search." As search terms, enter words like guilt, despair, devastated, etc. Every mother here is has been where you are many, many times.

    What in the world did you do where you should feel guilty? All you are doing now is trying to save his life, your own, and your family.
    Who cares what he thinks? He is off the deep end. What kind of idiot with such a nice mother goes to jail 6 times in a short time? A very confused young man. He is not talking sense. Pretend he is delirious. Because he is.

    Stop listening to that garbage, that nonsense. You have to decide to STOP. This is a moral position. You are right. He is wrong. Find that place in yourself. I know it is there.

    Right now, go to a quiet place where you are alone. Pay attention only to your breath. Your breathing in and out. Try to visualize the boundaries of your body as you rest against the bed, chair, sofa. Keep paying attention to breathing in and breathing out. You will feel calmer, safer, more at peace.

    This will sound airy-fairy but it helps. Most of all stop talking to him for now. He is being destructive and hurtful. No matter how much you love him and how good a person he is intrinsically, he is out of control right now. And you will feel out of control around him. That is his plan.

    You may be having a little bit of a panic attack. Join the club. You will be OK.
    Stop this, too, please! These kinds of words and thinking only hurts you.

    All you are doing is setting a limit. Just like you did when he was a toddler. You are containing him to keep him safe, and your family safe. This is not an ending. It is a beginning.