Thank you everyone for your replies. I guess I am nervous about starting medications. But I'm concerned about the way things are going in our family with the way difficult child is now. I just put him on the bus for school and nothing is without fighting. Foot stomping, yelling, screaming, pointing and making other gestures.
Its starts at breakfast. I made waffles this morning, in the toaster so they are fast and he comes to the table and says "where are my waffles, they should be here by now." And this is not a schedule issue. He is 5 but one of the rudest and most manipulative kids I've ever known. Correcting him never changes his behavior. Rewards, time out, schedule charts, ect all the therapist's suggestions have not worked. Its like he truely enjoys treating people this way. husband and I are embarrassed to take him out to stores, restaurants ect., so we go out while he's at school. My 2 1/2 year old behaves better than he does, and is kind. Its like difficult child enjoys talking down to others and being mean. How can a 5 year old even be like that?
husband and I really think the issue is a personality disorder and like firehorsewoman said, that ODD is the catch all phrase being thrown around right now. But he's way too young to diagnose it. Sometimes we think we are crazy for thinking a 5 year old can do this! But he seems to fit maybe narcissistic personality disorder. I could type a novel and not describe the manipulation that at only 5 he is capable of. husband sees it too. And often we think he is only a kid, it must be us, that it must be our fault. And yet my younger son, we can already see the difference, from when difficult child was 2.
But at 5 its like he takes great joy is twisting words, and manipulating people around him and he is so cunning at it that people don't see it. He does it to my 2 1/2 year old but of course we step in and stop him. But I see him doing it to adults. And they are none the wiser. His teacher expresses that she has issues with him not being able to follow directions, and getting disracted, ADHD stuff. And that she notices he blames others for his actions. We have a huge issue at home with this. He will never admit he has ever done anything "wrong".
One time we had visitors, and difficult child was running through the room, no where near us, and difficult child tripped and fell while I was talking to our guest. And he started yelling it was my fault he fell and that I pushed him! And our guest looked at him like he was nuts. He does this often and husband and I worry he will falsely accuse us, a teacher or a peer in school of "hurting him" when in fact they did nothing.
But its more than that. Its not just lies. He doesn't physically hurt people except he does hit his brother, but its not like he's the kind of kid that I think would kill a pet just for kicks. Although I do worry if he thinks the animal (we only have fish who he doesn't acknowledge) did something to him that he might get angry. He does yell at his toys, furniture and other objects that he says are not doing as he says or not listening, and will throw them or kick them. Like if he's trying to get an action figure to stand up and it keeps falling over, he will yell at it, "I comand you to stand" if after yelling at it more it still keeps falling down each time he tried to stand it up, he will throw it or hit it.
He mostly though likes to manipulate people's feelings and actions to gain something, or just for fun to be in control. And if control is taken away from him, he then become aggressive, breaking things kicking things, hitting. And taking control away can be as simple as telling him "today's Monday, there's school today". And he says "oh, its Sunday you say, good thing I don't have school" and responding to him with "You are wrong, its Monday". And then he freaks out.
He'll argue about realities that don't exist. If we walk out side on a freezing day mid winter and I say to my husband, "wow its cold out today". difficult child will say "its sure hot out, why am I wearing this coat". But I don't HAVE to say something. Just walking out into the cold is enough to prompt him to say "wow its warm".
Ever comment between house hold members, to difficult child, not to difficult child, he says something contradictory.
We are all losing our minds here. We have thought about family therapy, but we know difficult child will manipulate that so that they don't see the real him. I have tried to record him, but it is hard because no matter how bad his melt down, or what he's doing, if he sees my phone out to record him, he stops. See, he KNOWS what he's doing. husband and I have seen him many many times, stop, then lie about his behavior. He can control it infront of the people he needs to. Which is why we don't think this is a spectrum issue. We thinks its a personality disorder or maybe mental illness. THe only behavior he can not control, that he displays infront of everyone is when he has a tic. He saw a neurologist, they are not actually tics, but compulsions. They are usually verbal and when he gets one it will stick around for a few days to a few weeks. And that he does everywhere.
Does anyone else have a child that can control their behavoir? The few times I have snuck and got him on tape (on my phone) for a minute or so before he realizes he's being recorded, he tells me that he is going to tell the doctor that its not him, but a boy that looks like him that I asked to act that way to get him in trouble.
husband and I are scared to see what difficult child will be like in 5 years or 10 years.
I think what I'm saying is I'm afraid medications won't help, and then I don't know what to do.